I opened my email tonight. There was an email there, sitting, waiting, tempting me to open it with the subject line, "Meet Christian Singles Today".
Ahhhh, Christians holding hands, how romantic! And look, FREE guest membership. And I would like some friends, some love and romance! So I clicked.
I was also looking for some down and dirty sex with a prostitute like they talk about in the bible.
Ahhhh!! Soooooo cute. As soon as I see this photo on the front page, I begin to day dream. I want to have someone to pose with and take cutesy shots of. I also wished to have that hair and white teeth, and okay, body.
But not the nose. I have a better nose.
So what is Christianmingle all about?
Well, according to their front page:
If you have considered trying Christian Dating online,
Christian Mingle is the site for you. Christian Mingle is
the online community created specifically for Christian
singles looking to find friends, romance or marriage.
And who hasn't considered trying Christian Dating online? I sure haven't, but I'm weird. Also, if you're looking for a friend for romance and marriage, well, you're fucked, go someplace else.
So looking at the front page we discovered that Tink is in for some good time as he can look at Christian women doing naughty things with Christian men.
As the front page notes --- Enjoy our chat rooms, instant messenger, message boards, Bible verse of the day, searchable Bible, and many other great features. Oh my, Tink loves some Bible verse of the day to use in his bar travels trying to pick up young ladies and guys in the local dives, so he can write about it here.
So he clicks on the FREE TO BROWSE.
And like every other one of these sites Tink has review, it wants him to create a profile and answer questions. Okay, Christianmingle, for the fans, I will move on.
GENDER: I check and discover I'm still male. So I select that and click next.
What is your height? They don't have two feet 1 inches, so I select, NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
What is your body type? Fat. Damn. No fat, so I go with full figured. That must be a bibilical term for fat.
What is your eye color? Clear. No, no, I go with brown. Don't you make my brown eyes, blue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've noticed the entire time, they're showing me pictures on the side of females in different poses and places. I'm guessing that's my temptation to keep going, THE TEMPTATION OF TINK!! I keep going.
What is your hair color? Purple! Wait, no purple? Damn bunch of elitists!!!
What is your ethnicity? Martian isn't listed(as usual!) so I go with white as a white washed wall.
What is your occupation? Computer Technician for the Mob.
How often do you smoke? Right after sex or masturbation, twelve times a day.
How often do you drink?Right after I have gay sex with the entire football team from the local college, every day!!
About Children? I like to fry them in butter.
Hey wait a second, it asked me what religion I was and before I could select anything, it went on to the next question. Hitting back, forces me back to the front page where I clicked LETS SEE SOME TITTIES!!!
So I go through the questions again and discovered I missed like what my education was(flunked out of the 1st grade), what my status was(I click on divorced. None of that seperated crap like last time!) and my religion(Atheist --- hahaha, just kidding, not listed, but for some reason, it automatically selects Catholic!!! Creepy!! I select other as that could cover a lot!) and finally get to say where I'm at.
I'm in North Dakota. This thing will believe anything you tell it.
Nah, I tell the truth, otherwise God will strike me dead. Faking out a Christian dating site is like the 999th commandment or something, right next to you shouldn't give a hand job to an IRS agent.
Never a good sign when they ask you for your real name. I lie and tell them my name is Grover Cleveland. No, no, Bob Williams. Though, that's not my real name either. Fuck. Oh well, my birthday is the truth, July 16th, 1778.
Actually, you can only go to 1910. I guess they think, if you were born any earlier, you don't need friends, love or marriage, you need someone to cover your face with a pillow and kill ya.
They probably have another site for that. I'll check around and write about it later.
Ah right, username and password. DickJohnson69 is taken! Shit. Ah well, lets see if Tinkerertink69.
It is!! Hurray. Email address and confirm that email address. Getting closer to some hot Christian romance.
Some of the 'Temptations of Tink' they keep showing as he does his questionaire. I think number three looks the most Christian and I hope she's available!
Describe my personality? Anti-social with some homicidal tendencies. Oops, I mean, I like to read the bible while I'm sitting outside in my front yard naked.
No, no, true description, as long as I take my medication, I'm pretty cool. I love Jesus.
Send me photos of compatible matches, notifications, and announcements.
Crap. No vulgar or sexually oriented material is permitted? Shit. Oh well. I don't care. I say, OKAY!
Damn, I hate those securite letters crap.
Hurray! Congratulations. I'm now an official member of the Donkey Lovers website. No wait, wrong article. I'm an official member of the Christianmingle website. I love Jesus.
I can become a subscriber to do all the cool stuff and talk to people but I'm just horny and click on 'Who's online'. I can also complete my profile, but pfffffft. Show me the honeys.
Some 61 year old widow wants to talk to me about Jesus. But I'm zero percent compatible with her. Shoot.
Here's a 28 year old who wants to start a family fairly soon. We're 100 percent compatible. I'm not sure how the compatible thing works, seeing how I didn't put anything in what I'm looking for, I'm guessing she likes her Christians breathing!! Me too. Great. We're compatible!
She's right across the river. I check, we could be a thing, if you're into a crossdressing computer operator for the Mob.
I hope she says yes.
There's one last 100 percent compatible. She looks slutty and says she's slutty. I like her already. Please tell her I too like to swim naked in a pool full of Jello.
No, not really, she's never tried this online dating thing and thought she'd try this site out. I message her and tell her, try ButtFriendDates.com and log out.
I'd give Christianmingle.com three stars out of four, but I won't because I shouldn't lie and not tell you all, they paid me for this review.
Just kidding, good night and have a better tomorrow.