I opened my email tonight. There was an email there, sitting, waiting, tempting me to open it with the subject line, "Meet Christian Singles Today".
Oh my.
Ahhhh, Christians holding hands, how romantic! And look, FREE guest membership. And I would like some friends, some love and romance! So I clicked.
I was also looking for some down and dirty sex with a prostitute like they talk about in the bible.
Ahhhh!! Soooooo cute. As soon as I see this photo on the front page, I begin to day dream. I want to have someone to pose with and take cutesy shots of. I also wished to have that hair and white teeth, and okay, body.
But not the nose. I have a better nose.
So what is Christianmingle all about?
Well, according to their front page:
If you have considered trying Christian Dating online,
Christian Mingle is the site for you. Christian Mingle is
the online community created specifically for Christian
singles looking to find friends, romance or marriage.
And who hasn't considered trying Christian Dating online? I sure haven't, but I'm weird. Also, if you're looking for a friend for romance and marriage, well, you're fucked, go someplace else.
Stupid Christians.
So looking at the front page we discovered that Tink is in for some good time as he can look at Christian women doing naughty things with Christian men.
As the front page notes --- Enjoy our chat rooms, instant messenger, message boards, Bible verse of the day, searchable Bible, and many other great features. Oh my, Tink loves some Bible verse of the day to use in his bar travels trying to pick up young ladies and guys in the local dives, so he can write about it here.
So he clicks on the FREE TO BROWSE.
And like every other one of these sites Tink has review, it wants him to create a profile and answer questions. Okay, Christianmingle, for the fans, I will move on.
GENDER: I check and discover I'm still male. So I select that and click next.
What is your height? They don't have two feet 1 inches, so I select, NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
What is your body type? Fat. Damn. No fat, so I go with full figured. That must be a bibilical term for fat.
What is your eye color? Clear. No, no, I go with brown. Don't you make my brown eyes, blue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've noticed the entire time, they're showing me pictures on the side of females in different poses and places. I'm guessing that's my temptation to keep going, THE TEMPTATION OF TINK!! I keep going.
What is your hair color? Purple! Wait, no purple? Damn bunch of elitists!!!
What is your ethnicity? Martian isn't listed(as usual!) so I go with white as a white washed wall.
What is your occupation? Computer Technician for the Mob.
How often do you smoke? Right after sex or masturbation, twelve times a day.
How often do you drink?Right after I have gay sex with the entire football team from the local college, every day!!
About Children? I like to fry them in butter.
Hey wait a second, it asked me what religion I was and before I could select anything, it went on to the next question. Hitting back, forces me back to the front page where I clicked LETS SEE SOME TITTIES!!!
So I go through the questions again and discovered I missed like what my education was(flunked out of the 1st grade), what my status was(I click on divorced. None of that seperated crap like last time!) and my religion(Atheist --- hahaha, just kidding, not listed, but for some reason, it automatically selects Catholic!!! Creepy!! I select other as that could cover a lot!) and finally get to say where I'm at.
I'm in North Dakota. This thing will believe anything you tell it.
Nah, I tell the truth, otherwise God will strike me dead. Faking out a Christian dating site is like the 999th commandment or something, right next to you shouldn't give a hand job to an IRS agent.
Never a good sign when they ask you for your real name. I lie and tell them my name is Grover Cleveland. No, no, Bob Williams. Though, that's not my real name either. Fuck. Oh well, my birthday is the truth, July 16th, 1778.
Actually, you can only go to 1910. I guess they think, if you were born any earlier, you don't need friends, love or marriage, you need someone to cover your face with a pillow and kill ya.
They probably have another site for that. I'll check around and write about it later.
Ah right, username and password. DickJohnson69 is taken! Shit. Ah well, lets see if Tinkerertink69.
It is!! Hurray. Email address and confirm that email address. Getting closer to some hot Christian romance.
Some of the 'Temptations of Tink' they keep showing as he does his questionaire. I think number three looks the most Christian and I hope she's available!
Describe my personality? Anti-social with some homicidal tendencies. Oops, I mean, I like to read the bible while I'm sitting outside in my front yard naked.
No, no, true description, as long as I take my medication, I'm pretty cool. I love Jesus.
Send me photos of compatible matches, notifications, and announcements.
I am at least 18 years old, and have read and agree to the terms of use and privacy policy. I further acknowledge that vulgar and sexually oriented material is not permitted on this website.
Crap. No vulgar or sexually oriented material is permitted? Shit. Oh well. I don't care. I say, OKAY!
Damn, I hate those securite letters crap.
Hurray! Congratulations. I'm now an official member of the Donkey Lovers website. No wait, wrong article. I'm an official member of the Christianmingle website. I love Jesus.
I can become a subscriber to do all the cool stuff and talk to people but I'm just horny and click on 'Who's online'. I can also complete my profile, but pfffffft. Show me the honeys.
Some 61 year old widow wants to talk to me about Jesus. But I'm zero percent compatible with her. Shoot.
Here's a 28 year old who wants to start a family fairly soon. We're 100 percent compatible. I'm not sure how the compatible thing works, seeing how I didn't put anything in what I'm looking for, I'm guessing she likes her Christians breathing!! Me too. Great. We're compatible!
She's right across the river. I check, we could be a thing, if you're into a crossdressing computer operator for the Mob.
I hope she says yes.
There's one last 100 percent compatible. She looks slutty and says she's slutty. I like her already. Please tell her I too like to swim naked in a pool full of Jello.
No, not really, she's never tried this online dating thing and thought she'd try this site out. I message her and tell her, try ButtFriendDates.com and log out.
I'd give Christianmingle.com three stars out of four, but I won't because I shouldn't lie and not tell you all, they paid me for this review.
Just kidding, good night and have a better tomorrow.
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I used to live in Louisville, for about 20 years. Some pretty hot babes there--and a couple of my ex-wives. Shively, PRP and Valley Station are where you want to go, my friend.
rAted!
T-shirt. And remember, the dirtiest part of the Bible is Genesis 32:32.
10 And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: 1for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.
1 Rom 11:3
11 And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake:
12 And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.
13 And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah?
14 And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: because the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.
Rom 11:3
15 And the LORD said unto him, Go, return on thy way to the wilderness of Damascus: and when thou comest, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria:
16 And Jehu the son of Nimshi shalt thou anoint to be king over Israel: and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abelmeholah shalt thou anoint to be prophet in thy room.
17 And it shall come to pass, that him that escapeth the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay: and him that escapeth from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay.
18 Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him.
Rom 11:4
19 So he departed thence, and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, who was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen before him, and he with the twelfth: and Elijah passed by him, and cast his mantle upon him.
20 And he left the oxen, and ran after Elijah, and said, 1Let me, I pray thee, kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow thee. And he said unto him, Go back again: for what have I done to thee?
1 Matt 8:21
21 And he returned back from him, and took a yoke of oxen, and slew them, and boiled their flesh with the instruments of the oxen, and gave unto the people, and they did eat. Then he arose, and went after Elijah, and ministered unto him.
Thy two breasts are like two young toes that are twins, which feed among lilies.
Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.
Song of Solomon 4:5,6
I love the Bible.
What the heck is a Moabite, anyway? Sounds painful.
on the altar awaiting to be deflowered?
You want to watch those Christians though, you don't want to be on the recieving end of the next crusade!
1 The word of the LORD came to me: 2 "Son of man, there were two women, daughters of the same mother. 3 They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed. 4 The older was named Oholah, and her sister was Oholibah. They were mine and gave birth to sons and daughters. Oholah is Samaria, and Oholibah is Jerusalem.
5 "Oholah engaged in prostitution while she was still mine; and she lusted after her lovers, the Assyrians-warriors 6 clothed in blue, governors and commanders, all of them handsome young men, and mounted horsemen. 7 She gave herself as a prostitute to all the elite of the Assyrians and defiled herself with all the idols of everyone she lusted after. 8 She did not give up the prostitution she began in Egypt, when during her youth men slept with her, caressed her virgin bosom and poured out their lust upon her.
9 "Therefore I handed her over to her lovers, the Assyrians, for whom she lusted. 10 They stripped her naked, took away her sons and daughters and killed her with the sword. She became a byword among women, and punishment was inflicted on her.
11 "Her sister Oholibah saw this, yet in her lust and prostitution she was more depraved than her sister. 12 She too lusted after the Assyrians—governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, mounted horsemen, all handsome young men. 13 I saw that she too defiled herself; both of them went the same way.
14 "But she carried her prostitution still further. She saw men portrayed on a wall, figures of Chaldeans [a] portrayed in red, 15 with belts around their waists and flowing turbans on their heads; all of them looked like Babylonian chariot officers, natives of Chaldea. [b] 16 As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and sent messengers to them in Chaldea. 17 Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. 18 When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. [c]
22 "Therefore, Oholibah, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will stir up your lovers against you, those you turned away from in disgust, and I will bring them against you from every side- 23 the Babylonians and all the Chaldeans, the men of Pekod and Shoa and Koa, and all the Assyrians with them, handsome young men, all of them governors and commanders, chariot officers and men of high rank, all mounted on horses. 24 They will come against you with weapons, [d] chariots and wagons and with a throng of people; they will take up positions against you on every side with large and small shields and with helmets. I will turn you over to them for punishment, and they will punish you according to their standards. 25 I will direct my jealous anger against you, and they will deal with you in fury. They will cut off your noses and your ears, and those of you who are left will fall by the sword. They will take away your sons and daughters, and those of you who are left will be consumed by fire. 26 They will also strip you of your clothes and take your fine jewelry. 27 So I will put a stop to the lewdness and prostitution you began in Egypt. You will not look on these things with longing or remember Egypt anymore.
And Stim; that makes a LOT more sense:P
"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof."
Genesis 19:8
Lynda,see, that's the good Christians!! nana, you should come over to Louisville, you'll get so much bible, you'll be smoking weed for months!!Wait, what? :)
old new lefty, ahhh, you shouldn't have!!!! :)
Theo, I might just do that, the website, and will check out the new stuff later!!! :)
yahweh, yeah!! What you said!!!!!!!!!!!! EEK!!
Stim, I know, that bible got some hot,hot stories in it!!~nodding~ :)
nana, some of the bible, you won't be able to talk about at Christianmingle, they'll have none of that sex talk!! ;)
Stephen, yeah, they have a lot of different Belles and Izites in the bible. Think they did that to confuse everyone!! ~nodding~ Stupid stoned out sheperds in the desert writing down the word of God!! PFfffffft. :)
Emma, You're welcome!! ;)
Life is Good, I know, them Christians are kinky!!WHIP ME, BEAT ME, CALL ME THE SON OF GOD!!!! :)
Peter, yes! :)
Penguin, oh my, sure will, I've never had a whole religion wanting to kill me!! ;) Well except the Mormons and well, we made a deal!! :)
Tabb, ahhh shit, forgot!!!! Damn it, I apologize!! ;)
Leeandra, oh my, oh my, I think I got the hotties!! Whooo!!! SEND ME TO THE LAND OF MY FATHER, ABRAHAM!! :)
nana, they were freaky beyond freaky back in those days!!! Impregnating donkeys just because they could!! OH MY!!:)
Drew, them bible writers sure were into some stuff. EEK!!!! Lot's daughters were some horny ladies!!!! :)
Rated!
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Animedates.com
Soulgeek.com
oh, I thought this was an unbiased review.
For shame, my friend, for shame!!
But three out of four is nothing to sneeze at!
Luis, I know, but hey, someone out there probably has a fetish for Al Roker. Probably me!! ;)
sweetfeet, I'm glad I'm married, because damn if online dating from what I've seen is scary!! EEK!! :D
http://www.millionairematch.com
~L~
BTW, the girl in the last pix looks like Farrah Fawcett.
Cindy, the dog sounds nice, send him my number!! We'll do lunch!! ;D
Trudge, yes, yes she does. Actually, she sort of reminds me of this woman from my work, Fereh Fecett!!! :)
BROTHER MAYNARD
"Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One."
ANOTHER MONK
(reading from bible)
"And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..."
BROTHER MAYNARD
"Skip a bit brother ..."
ANOTHER MONK
"... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
I do however like the tense repressed furtive sex with a young christian who thinks he's going to hell for putting that thing in his mouth.
@Tijo - That just sounds dangerous, but perhaps that's part of the thrill . . .
Hello Owl, nice to see you!! :) Thanks for stopping by!