My dear readers,

I have been reading articles galore lately(all 2 of them!) stating that Open.Salon has been going down hill. I have read that people are leaving because the cover has become a collage of sensational press stories about gay leprachauns adopting little willie and changing his name to Sid Caesar and overused videos of Ed I. Tor having sex with a teddy bear dressed up like Wayne Newton!

People, people, people, this is the stuff that attract new readers and writers to our little family.  When I started writing on here, it was still full of hope and dreams and a doctor.  She might not have been a real doctor but if you had a sexual problem, you just had to send her a private message stating something like, "My penis fell off, what should I do?"

And she'd write back, "If you're not Jewish, get yourself to a hospital! If you are a Jew, then just sit there and die!"  She had an issue with the Jewish faith, not sure why, maybe she had a bad experience as a child.

Open began to grow, to proportions that no one could ever predict.  There were people coming in from the left, the right and the middle.  There were ads, lots of them, then there was RamaDama Linglong coming in at 3am EDT trying to sell Colon Cleansing. 

I rated that post.  My colon hasn't been this clean since forever. God love you Open!

The articles began to change, such headlines as 'I WAS A NAZI TEENAGE DRAG QUEEN' began appearing, mostly from Tink, but still Ed never wrote back, but that's an article for another night.

There was sex talk. Well, there has always been sex talk, but the sex talk became more about sex and less about cake and pirates.  Committees were formed, names were taken, and some people left for better waters, mostly New Jersey.

People got together and said, "We won't read Tink cause he mentions double ended dildos make fun toys for blind children!"  No, no they didn't do that, it was more like, "I wish Tink would write more articles about how double dongs are great toys for blind children."

I almost typed blonde children but I corrected it, because, that's what I'm all about, accuracy!

Or not. Matters what mood I'm in!

Then the truely awful happened, people started not coming to Tink's weekly performances of Hamlet, nor were they reading his daily comic strip, 'The CrossDressing Computer Operator!' 

They weren't picked for the first ever Cartoon Saturdays nor the Crossdressers Sundays issue of the cover.  Tink was sad, really sad, like 'I am sad! Tears! Boohoohoo! I am not worthy to even be a fart or a burp from the person who sorts the Editorial staff of Open.Salon's garbage!!' and I was just about ready to off myself, in such a manner deemed dramatic to the standards set forth by the "Guidelines for Open Mannerism", when I said to myself, "What?" and went back to cruising porn and then decided to do what I do best, write horrible articles that will be read, hopefully, by my 137 fans, most of them in Canada and some island off the coast of Africa.

I'm not sure why, but I seem to get a lot from that island(there's like 10 people listed there, so "Hi! Come on over, we'll do lunch!!  Also, my Canadian and other fans are invited too.  I could handle my readership in the back yard!!").  They hit my post about Joan Walsh's hats and then stayed for the rest.

 I have not come here tonight to criticize the masses or Ed, I have come here to try and attract readers, most of them gay accountants from Brazil. Again, I'm not sure why, maybe they like my tongue!

Tonight's post, instead of angry words to Mr. Wilson for his 'You lie!' towards the president(come on people, all politicians lie, you know the old joke, how do you know a politician is lying? Their lips are moving!!' and we'd all laugh.  So he had a stupid moment that will probably ruin his career.  Haven't we all done something stupid that ruined or almost ruined our careers? I have, I said, 'Yes, I will come work for your I.T. department lady!' over a job with the government. I know, way fucking stupid!), or recipes for the best sex you ever had with a three hundred and seventy pound whaler, I will write instead about :

Gratuitous sex!

 OH MY!! NOT ONLY A NIPPLE, BUT BARED KNEES AS WELL!! OH NO, EVERYONE, COVER THE CHILDRENS' EYES!!!

Gratuitous violence!

 "To the neck of his worthless self, I thrusted my sword into.  His breath gurgled with the flow of blood from the wound.  I called him a worthless dog to his face, a liar to my self, and to my lady's virginity the dog had never touched but said to the crowds he had before me and my love's wedding day. He would die as he had lived, a bitch!"

CAKE MADE TO LOOK LIKE A DRESS!

 mmmMMmmmm!! Cake.  Cake you can wear!! Oh my!!!

SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES!

 A PICTURE OF TINK BEFORE HE WENT AHEAD AND ATE THAT 10,000 POUNDS OF DEEP FRIED LARD! Ooooohlaaaalaaaaaaa!!!!

Some folks have written me, asking if I have my own editing staff at Lesbian Lunch Publishing, or a staff of readers.  I can assure you, there's just me, myself and four bottles of Jack Daniels a night to write the stuff I write.

I do have fans, a big one sit right next to my computer to keep me and my wine cool!  Some of my fans aka readers have tried to read everything I have written since day one here. 

 "Oh god it hurts when I pee!! I shouldn't have tried to read every Tink article ever written in one sitting!" reports die hard fan Joy Anne of Walla Walla, Washington!

I also was lucky enough to get a sneak peek at the newest Megan Fox movie, something about lesbian sex or something.  No, no, not really, on either count,  the movie company just sent me a big bag full of money and said, 'Tink, make us look good!' so, with full disclosure, I begin my movie review --- A Two fer One Post!! Soooooo beautiful!!

Jennifer's Body - an unbiased review of the world's greatest movie, ever!

I could say I have seen this movie and was taken back by the awesome script, the beautiful story and the grand performances by everyone including the 'Best Grip' but I can't, I would be a liar.  This movie goes beyond all that and everyone in the world should go see it, like twice, maybe even three times, four if you can stand sitting on the edge of your seat!

Megan Fox is the next Katherine Hepburn, maybe even better. Who the hell wanted to see Katherine Hepburn in a cheerleader outfit while she killed boys?  I thought not.  Megan Fox has no comparison, she is her own unique character, hot, sexy, a nuclear scientist bent on destroying the world, a fact few people know besides me, her publicist and her mom.

Jennifer's Body is the next 'Guess who's coming to dinner' , 'Gone with the Wind' and 'Porky's Revenge Part I, II and III!' all rolled into one big blob of awesomeness that cannot be missed, according to movie reviewer John Kants from the Portland Suns Time of New Walka, New Jersey! And would John Kants from such a big newspaper, read by more than 43 people in the Tricounty area lie to you?

Of course he wouldn't! And neither would I.  Go see Jennifer's Body with someone you love, and someone you don't, and then someone you never met till today! 

Buy lots of popcorn and soda pops and nachos and hot dogs.  Tink also gets a cut from the concession stands!

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Oh Tink, you're sleeping with the director of this movie aren't you?" and my answer to that is, "There was a director to this? Yeah and the next thing you'll be telling me they had an actual writer on board too!! PFFFFFT!! Juno my ass!"

Oops, I meant, tell them Tink sent you!

And that's my contribution to the downfall of Open.Salon. If you see Ed, tell him I said hi, he's not returning my phone calls.

Good night and have a better tomorrow.