Yes my dearest friends and reader, Tink has gone suicidal. Life has pushed him over the edge and here he is, sitting at the computer, ready to live blog his end.
Gather about as he begins his trip down death's road. First off, I'm eating red meat, the bad kind, the ones your doctors tell you shouldn't eat. Oh yeah, I'm doing it right now, mmmmm and it's fucking good. Oh god, if I knew suicide was like this, I would have done it years ago.
I know what you're thinking, "Don't do it Tink! We love you! Well, maybe not love, more like lust after in that unholy breaking every commandment in the bible!"
Now, I'm eating cake, not that low sugar, no frosting cake, but the bad kind, the kind with rich chocolately frosting, mmmmm, sugar and fat, the two most guilty pleasures in the world, right next to masturbation and sex with sheep(My doctor, who now posts here, says masturbation can lead to Communism! )
Life without masturbation and porn is like a life without sunshine, who wants to live without sunshine?
Nobody! That's right. Stupid doctors always saying, "To prolong your life, you must not eat this....etc. etc." Fuck that, who wants to prolong their life if they can't do the good stuff, or eat the bad stuff, or whatever.
So I'm ending my life, right now, I'm now drinking wine, not that stuff that is suppose to be good for you, give you a strong heart, but the bad stuff, the stuff that makes you drunk and lust after your cousin in that bibilical way.
Yeah, that bible is all about nailing your cousin or performing stuff on your sister but damn if you look at your neighbor's wife in a naughty way. Oh my.
Yes, I'm going to kill myself, don't try and stop me. I figure if I do it right, I'll die in about 30 to 40 years.
Yeah, it's going to be a long blog.
While I wait for death's embrace, I did get a great Private Message --- it comes from David Mary or Mary David, who the fuck knows how she wants to say her name but damn if I ain't going to be rich before I kick the bucket!! Whoooooo!!
I am David Mary a widow from Spain.I am married to Mr Bennett David who worked with Spain Embassy for seven years before he died .We were married for years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only two weeks. Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to r e-marry or get a child outside my Matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (5Million US dollars ) on the safe deposit box with the bank in abroad. Presently, this money is still deposited on the safe deposit box with the bank vault house .Recently; my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next few months due to health Problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this Fund to church or better still a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church that will use these funds to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this Money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. The lord he will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the BANK in abroad I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the original- beneficiary of this Fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or Christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein Hoping to hearing from you soon. I have set aside 30% for you and for your time and 10% for any expenses if there is any then remaining balance for the word of God. Remain blessed in the name of the Lord. Here is my email address david_mary81@yahoo.com
Yours in GOD,
Mary David
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Comments
Put the cake down, Tinky.
As for the cake and frosting and wine....DON'T DO IT! You could also get GASSY!!!
You don't know where you are? A whorehouse somewhere?
Can you look out the window and read the street signs? Does your phone have GPS? I will send a mob of OS peoples in flak jackets that will surround the place, they will break you out and then you can go to Newfoundland and hunt seals as soon as the ice freezes. How are you with a club?
Damn it, that he/she seems to be messaging a lot of people on here!! CRAP!!! :-( ;)
Aftershock, who cares, gassy or not, I'm eating the cake and drinking the wine and damn, I don't think there's going to be any riches, ~pout~, s/he is just spamming everyone!! WAAAAA!! There should be a way to report people like this on Open!! :-( ~giggle~
nana, I'm going to eat red meat, drink wine, eat cake, get blowjobs and just off myself that way!! Oh yeah, bring me some popcorn too! WOOOOO! ;)
Kate, thank you very much, I'm a tink of my word!! ~nodding~
nana, ~:( If it means anything, I'm sitting here naked, listening to Disturb, while drinking wine, and viewing very naughty porn! ~boohoohoo~
1_irrated_mother, ~crying real tears~ That'd just be too weird even for me!! ;)
rita, no way, I won't accept any help, I'm making a ham sandwich right now, with real cheese, mayo, and white bread! No vegies except for maybe a dill pickle!! :-'( ~grin~
Ablonde, I'm pretty good with a club. Mmmmm, baby seal, I haven't had a baby seal since I was a child!! ~tears~
Drew, ~tears~ Nobody loves me anymore, my wife left me last night for a hockey player and a night court judge and three strippers all named Wilma!!
~weeping~ I'm going to do it right now, I'm going to stay up all night and watch pornos!! Yeah!! Yea!! And then live blog about it, right here, on Open!!!
Where it won't get even noticed by the Folks up in the Ivory Tower, so I'll go play in traffic!!
~crying even more~
You are beautiful and sooo talented. Everyone here loves you sooo much, for no good reason, but but but, we do!
:-(
Sure, I'll have some Ganache!! Yeah, I had to google it but isn't that what Google is for? That and looking for naughty pictures!
Also, anyone wanting to talk to me can call me at 1-800-wet-teen, just ask for Sandy. I can pass for an 18 year old high school cheerleader. Pffffft.
99 cents a minute and I'll talk dirty to you. About pigs playing in the mud.
*TEARS*
I love you all.
Kyle D, ahhh thanks, I luvs steak!! ~nummy nummy~ ;)
I am reading your post now. Can I be the soloist in your church? I can sing "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "Gilligan's Island." Let me know if you want an audition tape.
I'm sorry to have kept you awake with thoughts of my suicide, now go back to bed, and have dreams about uh, my wedding??? NO, wait, that's even worse!! ~TEARS~
Ablonde, I'm thinking about doing it quicker if Cindy will sing, and if nana will do his impression of Richard Nixon for the 'Final Words on Tink'.
And Natalie will say, "Goodday mate!" and bring in a couple of wombats and maybe a roo or two.
~even more tears~
My funeral is going to be the coolest thing to hit the airwaves since, well, Elvis' pelvis!!
;)
I'll recite an edgar allan poe poem, fitting I think.
And I could just wander off!! ;)
Theo, *hug* Sorry, not offing myself off the quick way though, going to take the long road for my suicide, lots of red meat and bad wine and girls named Dizzy and Tat!! ;)
Leave no corpse, is what I say, and let the big catfish have a good meal of kitty cat! Give your life some meaning.
I know because I'm a doctor!!
P.S.
Thanks for the mention peterhead!!!! Remember, your exam is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Don't be late!
DEAR VALUED COSTOMER/ CODE: AWB33XZS
We wish to inform you that the diplomatic agent conveying the consignment box valued the sum of $3.6 Million United States Dollars misplaced your address and he is currently stranded at your International airport now. You are advice to reconfirm the following informations below so that he can ableto deliver your consignment box to your doorstep today.
NAME: ====================================
ADDRESS: =================================
MOBILE NO.:===============================
NAME OF YOUR NEAREST AIRPORT:=============
A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION :==============
Please do contact the diplomatic agent with the above email below with the informations required.
Contact Person : AGENT DONALD PARKER
EMAIL;{donaldparker1@live.com}
He is waiting to hear from you today with the informations.
NOTE : The Diplomatic agent does not know that the content of the consignment box is $3.6 Millions United States Dollars and on no circumstances should you let him know the content. The consignments was moved from here as family treasures, so never allow him to open the box.
DR. FREDRICK SANCHEZ (FOREIGN DELIVERY DEPARTMENT DHL BENIN)
DHL CARGO DELIVERY OFFICE BENIN DU REPUBLIC,
Phone Line: +229-98-283-043
Tinky Tink, I already have a box that is my family treasure so I'm not responding...I do expect an invitation to your funeral though...
"Life without masturbation and porn is like a life without sunshine, who wants to live without sunshine?"
I got that piece of crap, too, and you, Tink, are one fuckin' funny guy!
Am in china now recived treatment in the hopital i dont known how you can help me.Please i need your assistance.May GOD Bless You And your family.
Umbrellakinesis wrote >>
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I'll just mail you the cash. What's your address?
david mary wrote >>
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Thanks for reply me back.please i will need your email address to give you the detail to send to the bank so that they can release the money to you.And please i will want you to used the money with the instrution i listed in the first mail.hope to here from you soon.(david_mary81@yahoo.com)
Umbrellakinesis wrote >>
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Sure. I'll give you a million dollars. Just tell me where to send it.
david_mary81@yahoo.com
david mary wrote >>
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HELLO
I am Mary David a widow from Spain...
According to the above, Mary David is now in China! Perhaps this is a version of "Carmen Sandiego"...?
Stay tuned for the next spine-tingling installment!
Rated.
Oh, and don't do it Tinkie. We'd be lost here without you.
Your suicide plan is excellent. Bravo!
Rated!
R
Leonde, wait, if he's already at the airport, why does he need to know where the nearest airport is? No wonder he's lost!!!
;') You're on the invite list for the funeral!! ~nodding~
C.K. Yeah, I took a shower today too, rebel!! I even dropped the soap!! Giggle!! ;)
Patton, I think it's a grand idea. From now on, Sunday will be Suicide Day. Live blog the event!! ;)
Life is good, I try to mention you at least once every post!! ;)
Michael, I am now dead, Heaven is pretty cool, there's fire everywhere, it smells like sulfer and there's these guys in red jammies and holding pitchfork. I'm guessing Hell is Greek for Heaven, cause that's what the sign said over the entrance. ~;)
Umbrellakinesis, damn, China, Spain, that chickee gets around!! ;)
Torman, red meat for ya, and whatever else. Yes, it's good to kill yourself!! ;)
JK Brady, ahhhh, but I must, there's still plenty of time for making people laugh, by showing them pics of myself naked.
;)
Mary, damn right!! Who wants to live that long if you're stuck eating all the good stuff that tastes like dried dirt!! PFFFFT!! :)
Andy, ~taking a bow~ Thank you!! ;)
scanner, that's my dream death and how my corpse shall be used. Either that or medical experiments involving my rectum, I'm proud of my rectum!! ~:D
Duaneart, thank you, I try!! :)
tai, I'll leave the front porch light on for ya!! ;)
john, so you're in the same place I am? Damn!! ;)
Stim, so does yours!! WOOOO!! :)
cave_canem, pffft on that. If folks were meant to eat dirt and stuff, it would have tasted good. ~nodding~ :)
GJI Penguin, I want to live forever, or die trying!! ~nodding~ :)
I'll start forwarding the messages on to you, so you don't feel left out. :)
Lunchlady 2, I'll add you too to the 'Give me money' list. I'm not sure how I got so popular with these folks, but they sure do like sending me messages. Woooo! :)
femme, but Google says drano goes with everything!! :( ~grin~
Not sure why, but Dr. C tells me that's how it is, and it must be right, he's a doctor!! ;)
How could you consider committing suicide from red meat, when you've just received such a lucky message from the person whose husband was killed by the Spanish Embassy? And can you tell me why you have such luck in getting such fantastic spam messages, when I haven't been contacted by a Nigerian in months, except for those phony Microsoft alert messages?
You should start getting twenty to thirty messages in about a week.
Thank you for writing.
;)
I know, I know, hahah in the article, but pffft on the title. :-( ;)
This will all go to corrupt, murdering dictators if I don't help, but....
I don't have time. So, Tink.... I'll forward.
Plus, I imagine you could use some male enhancement, so I forward that critical information as well. Plus, why take chances with wood? Only the best, name brand, pills, complete with consultation (15 seconds with a real doctor) can be yours.
It also seems like some really attractive women from less developed countries are looking for you, so I can also forward that.
Hell, I'll just forward my entire email account!
You will then go to hell, dead but rich, happy, with an erection that will last you well into the next life.
odetteroulette, oh my yes!! :)
older, eeek!! Those are just plain wrong!! ~Boohoohoo~ ;)
Nick, damn it, I get those already, there's a whole village in Nigeria who are waiting for my responses so they can fill my bank accounts up to over flowing.
But I'll take what I can get!! Whooo!! ;)
Outside Myself, I'm sorry, my next few posts will be sad, about my love life. You can cry then and not blush.
What? :)