Hello, greetings and salutations, today, I decided to kill myself, by quoting British financial laws if they were written by a cat on speed. A lovely thought, indeed.
I know nana is expecting a webcam of me killing myself, as discussed a few nights ago on his lovely post, "Tinkerer is a Bisexual Depressed Monarch in 19th Century England if time travel was possible and Tink got his sex change" or something to that effect.
An article he won an EP and cover for, but Ed changed the title to : THE DAY I GOT A SEX CHANGE IN 19TH CENTURY ENGLAND!
Ed sure does do some creative license on the cover these days(guess we can't read the word shit, so instead we say fluff!! Teeheehee!!!)
I'm sorry, this day, I felt the need to take a long nap on the couch in front of the air conditioning vent. Stupid 90s and even more stupider humidity!! PFFFFFFFFFT.
Also, I had to sell my webcam to pay my electric and water bill. Stupid being unemployed!! FUCK YOU CORPORATE AMERICA FOR NOT GIVING ME A CHANCE TO BE A ELECTRONIC WEB MEDIA EDITOR!!!!
I decided to post my newest endeavor. It would seem I have won quite a bit of money from Toyota of U.K. who seemingly holds lotteries!!! (Also, it seems Google and Pepsi of the U.K. do the same thing as I have recieved more wins of more money from them!)
If I get my winnings transfered, Scanner is going to have the best birthday party ever, thrown in the world's worse place ever, the hostel owned and operated by Reverend John(no last name needed!!!) in Nigeria. I mean, it was his kindness and sale of my email address to the Toyota company and others that led me to these wins, I figure, we should share some love and cake with him and his numerous women who are just looking for love, understanding, and to finish their degree in nursing.
I recieve my notification from Toyota. It would seem also that Pepsi and Google also have their notification of winnings at the domain, SBCGLOBAL.NET!!
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 2010 03:36:18 -0700
From: mfarek@sbcglobal.net
Subject: Your Email ID has been awarded £750,000.00 in the British Toyota Promo send:
To:
NAME...
ADDRESS..
Today, I recieved another 'You won (insert amount here) from Google and/or Pepsi" with the NAME ADDRESS.
For those, I responded
PIERCE JOHNSON
1313 MOCKINGBIRD LANE
They didn't ask for City, State, Country or anything else. I'm guessing they have super computers that can find my other information just by using the above information. I know Google can.
That site is amazing.
Anyways, I respond to MFAREK.
Awesome!!
Name: Pierce Johnson
Address: 1827 West Poplar Drive, New Burg, California, 87309 USA
Is that it? Usually when I win these lotteries they want my age, sex, occupation, phone number, blood type, anal or not, etc. etc.
Then the fun starts. I recieve an email from the customer care officer, HI PAUL!!!
From: toyotaagt_003@9.cn
To: hochi69@hotmail.com
Subject: Contact The Payment Bank For Your Winnings
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 2010 20:50:34 +0100
To redeem your winning funds, we have processed your claims and the winning amount has been transfered to our payment Bank for immediate transfer to your account or delivered to your house address.
Do contact our payment bank responsible for the transfer of your funds with your winning serial number M 7-4038-581. To contact them, make use of the following contact details below.
Bank Name: Citi Bank Plc
Contact Person: Mr. Mathew Jones
Direct Tel: +4470457 34835
Email : citi-bnk-plc1@hotmail.co.uk
(Tink note: You'd think Citi-Bnk of the U.K. would use a better email provider than Hotmail but hey, so does Help our Children Heal International(HOCHI69)!!!)
Contact Telephone number:
Mobile Phone:
Contact address
Nationality:
Occupation:
Date Of Birth:
Sex:
Amount won:
Thank you and once again, Congratulations!!!
Mr. Paul Adams.
Customer Care Officer
So I do what the nice Customer Care Officer, Mr. Paul Adams, asks me to do, I defecate and take a long piss!
Haha. Just kidding.
Awesome!! Send me my money right away!!!
Full AName: Pierce Johnson
Contact Telephone Number: 1-555-123-4589
Mobile Phone 1-555-123-6969
Contract Address: 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Semu California, 87309
Nationality: French Canadian
Occupation: Bull inseminator
Date of Birth: 12/07/1901
Sex: Only on every other Wednesdays
Amount Won: Seven hundred and fifty thousand Great British Pounds Sterling
Man, I can hardly wait, that's a lot of money!!!!! Scanner is going to have the best birthday EVER!!!!!
Citi-Bank responds!
From: citi-bnk-plc1@hotmail.co.uk
To: hochi69@hotmail.com
Subject: Welcome To Citi Bank Plc( Choose Transfer Option)
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 2010 05:24:02 +0000
CITI BANK PLC
Citi National House,
2 Triton Square, Regent's Place,
Surrey, KT138UA, United Kingdom.
Tel: +4470457 34835
Fax: +44 8007314814
After receiving confirmation from the British Toyota Company that you are one of the PROMO WINNERS, we are presenting you with the following options with which you would prefare to receive your winning funds of £750,000.00 (Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand Pounds Sterling Only) in our possession. You are to make your preferred and affordable choice from the options listed below for us to remit your funds to you in your country.
Citi Bank Plc Options
Account Opening Fee:..................£25
V.A.T:......................................£50
Bank commission:........................£40
Insurance:..................................£50
Mailing/freight cost ........................................£30
Handling Fee...................................................£40
Insurance.......................................................£50
Vat.................................................................£40
Bank Commission:...........£20 Pounds Sterling
V.A.T:.............................£75 Pounds Sterling
Insurance:......................£100 Pounds Sterling
Your urgent reply will be most welcome.
Managing Director/Chief Accountant
Confidentiality Note:
Thank you,
Ed.
Yeah, just take them fees out, and transfer my money. Everybody is happy!! Right?
From: citi-bnk-plc1@hotmail.co.uk
To: hochi69@hotmail.com
Subject: PAYMENT MOTIVE (READ CAREFULLY)
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 2010 12:44:58 +0000
CITI BANK PLC
2 Triton Square, Regent's Place,
Surrey, KT138UA, United Kingdom.
Tel: +44 703 597 0591
Fax: +44 800 731 4814
Managing Director/Chief Accountant
Copyright © 2010. CITI BANK PLC All rights reserved
Secondly, don't try and hustle a man who has had over 50 years of experience in the banking industry, 37 years of that in the U.K. which seemingly you are part of as well, I know my rules and statues and will inform you of this in this email ----
YOUR POINT #1 --- Under section AG-7309 of the Banking Law of United Kingdom of 1982, you surely can have the winning check reissued by the lottery issusant, in the amount of the winnings minus any and all legitmate bank fees as declared under subsection A-1 of said banking law.
If a banking institution says they cannot do this, they can be charged with fraud charges and any and all peoples involved can and will be processed and fine under the due process of law, this includes the seizure of any and all properties, including personal properties of any employee involved in said unlawful charges including but not limited to the value of said lottery issued winnings and the loss thereof to said person/s.
YOUR POINT #2 --- Sorry to inform you, there is no British Lottery Affairs Commission, at least not since 1998 when the newly formed British Financial Affairs and Banking Commission was instituted under the Financial Act and Appropiation Committee Act of 1993.
I don't know where you are getting your information from, but you might want to get some updated legal guides for your bank, before you end up costing them not only a lot of financial grief or loss of personal property for yourself, but yours and yours institution banking license, which I have already ran through The Banking Commission of the United Kingdom and it seems, they are already in the process of some big fines against you for trying the same thing you are trying against me.
So please, process my funds immediately into the account with my information I have already sent you. You can call me at 1-800-328-6328(TINK NOTE: anyone who dials this number will get a gay sex line!!!! Teeheehee!!) and we can discuss this like civilized bankers and financial users.
Thank you,
Ed
First thing, who knew Ed was part of the banking industry for so long. Second, yeah, Ed is blowing poo out of his mouth and thirdly, yes, that phone number is really a phone sex line. In another series of email by another Nigeria lover in the same Reverend's hostel, I used a 1-888 number that lead to a certain Mistress Andrea who is very "strict" and demands that all Her "bitches and cunts respect Her and Her mighty whip!!!"
I was afraid that this would lead to another lover running away, but no, she said that the good reverend would call the number to talk to me!!!
I hope Reverend "respects The Mistress or he gets the whip up a boy's ass!!!". Teeheehee!!
You'd think Mr. Jones would give up and transfer the money, right?
You'd be wrong!
From: citi-bnk-plc1@hotmail.co.uk
To: hochi69@hotmail.com
Subject: BANK TO BANK TRANSFER PAYMENT DETAILS
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 2010 00:47:12 +0000
CITI BANK PLC
Citi National House,
2 Triton Square, Regent's Place,
Surrey, KT138UA, United Kingdom.
Tel: +4470457 34835
Fax: +44 800 731 4814
Confidentiality Note:
Tricky little bastard, pretend I selected option 3 and move along with your script. Well played my CitiBank friend, well played.
But Ed has other tricks up his sleves. Mostly crap, but still...
Hello, greetings and salutations, would you care for some tea?
Now that the niceties are out of the way, I am very upset and happy at the same time, first off, you seem to have me over a barrel, in my previous email, I stated U.K. financial law, and I was sure you would come back to me, saying, Toyota couldn't do that, reissue the check and I was poo out of luck but nope, you have taken my advice and got some new law books, the transfer fee is legal to bank to bank transfer.
But I will not be rushing down to my Western Union office just yet, I notified the Toyota Award Company to tell them of your transaction fees, they were needless to say quite upset with your bank, calling you something, which I cannot repeat hear but it rhymed with Dock Puckers.
A Ms. Sarah Clampuse, Director of Lotteries for Toyota Services, was who I was put into contact with. She stated that they would take the 195 pounds from the winnings and then transfer the funds to a special account (AZ7806109228S109) that is set up at your bank. She has stated the money is already in the account and should have been transfered to my account as soon as I contacted you, without any fees or transaction.
So tell Mrs. Joan Brown that she might as well go home and have some tea, as I won't be doing any Western Union transfers.
So please, transfer my money to my account as soon as possible. If you have any questions concerning this transaction, Sarah said you can call her at her summer retreat in Nigeria at 00221777975941. (Tink notes: This is the actual phone number of Reverend SoandSo who has a hostel in a Nigerian refugee camp! I've used it a few times in my responses to other lovers and lotto holders!! I was told by one lover who PMed me here, that the Reverend was a good man but lonely too!! So I'm trying to find him friends!! ;) )
Also, if you have any legal questions as to trying to send anymore fees my way in this transaction, please look up Section 97, subsection 32 of the U.K. Financial Reform Bill where it states, "...if sender of reinbursements sees fit, they may by pass transfer fees to the sendee by taking the fees from stated payment and sending the bulk of the remaining payment to a special account for said banks to release to payee without any charges to payee from the bank stated on said account...." (Tink notes: Man, U.K. financial law is tricky isn't it? Has a answer for every thing!!!! Teeheehee!!!)
Thank you in advance,
Ed
So that's the end of Wha? for today, I'm hoping my love interests get better as I've told a couple of these "Financial Managers" in Nigeria I'd rather have love as I have way too much money now.
The love stories are more fun, exciting, and new. The transfer funds one are like poorly written scripts you can find only in Hollywood, or Nigeria.
Good night and have a better tomorrow....
P.S.
I love the new added suggested tags that have been added: For-Sale? Really? AWESOME!!! Videos? Even better.
I'm still waiting for my mass spam comment deleter and report spam in the comment section, but hey, I CAN NOW SELL STUFF ON HERE!! Woooo!! I have some cheap cocaine for sale, if anyone is interested. Nudge. Nudge. Wink. Wink.
Oops, I meant to say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCANNER!!!!! ~many spankings from Mistress Andrea, RESPECT HER YOU COCKLESS BITCH AND TAKE YOUR BEATINGS LIKE THE SLAVE YOU ARE!!~
Yeah, you don't have to thank me my friend, your wife told me what you wanted for your birthday!! ;)
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Comments
I wonder if Mistress Andrea takes cheques?
Not to worry though for I am [que music] CPA Chick! You can tell by the "C" on my cape (bite me, nanatehay, it doesn't stand for THAT you dick weasel!).
And as for that sissy bitch Mistress Andrea, I had her crying like a little girl just the other day!
How's that for tricks?:)
rated with hugs and I don't have a webcam either
The Canadian scammers (no, not scanner!). When they call, remember to give them your bank account number slowly and articulately. Canadian crooks tend to be more polite and sensitive than the ones in Nigeria or even the UK.. They also seem to have mastered spelling in English except those pesky u's showing up where they don't belong (honour) and the "re"s where it should be "er", but then they are so very sweet and attentive to your Grandma, calling every week until she decides they are ultimately the most trustworthy boys they know, not like that wastrel grandson Ed! Could you go after them next? Your extensive knowledge of banking laws in every country in the world should cause them to cease and desist. Man, you are really good! I know you can stop crime in its tracks after reading this post. At the very least, you might actually drive someone to suicide. R
xoxox
What does it mean if I heard that entire exchange narriated by Sam Neal in a Brittish accent?
Yup, back to the Event Horizon for me.
Nice title though. Very catchy!
Rated
nola, I know, the queen wanted to invite me to tea, but I've been busy, with Greece asking me for advice, Obama, and others!! ;D
Awesome on the persuaded to be single...I could use someone to spend all that money!! ;D
Matt, yeah, me too, after I was done writing the above*(which for some reason just has the confidential statement on the one email but still reads good so...:D) I went and took another nappy poo. I must have been tired....;D
scanner, yeah baby, but we can still write blogs about it though, right? As long we put "Fiction" in the tags right? ;)
Hope you have a good un' my friend, I'll take a nap for ya!! This job searching stuff is tough work!! EEK!!!
Bernadine, yes!! ;D
sixtycandles, sadly, She doesn't, She says she accepts Paypal though!! ;D
Bleue, I get that from a lot of people!! ;)
jane, ~nodding~ Yeah, I had to give them some address, and the Munsters will hold my mail for me!! ;D
FusunA, ~:D Yeah, hey at least you gave me most the time, a lot of people can't stand the way my mind works ALL of the time, including my wife!! ~;D
Amy, I love you, if I had my Lesbian Licenes(which got revoked last week....who knew that saying "Pfffffffft" was a revokable offense for the Lesbian Committee!! Boohoohoo!!!!!!) I could say that all lesbian like, instead, I have to say it all like well, gay man with a bad lisp!!!!! Stupid regulation!!! :( ';D
Linda, ahhh, that'd be great, I like cake, especially with people in them, especially ladies!! Oooohlaaaalaaaaa!! ;)
Lunch Lady, anytime I get a smile from you, is like getting a sunshine in December!! ~huge hug~ :)
Cranky, I know!!!! I sure could use some love, my butt is aching for some....loving....teeheehee! What? No I meant, I SO COULD USE SOME UH, what's that word? Oh yeah, cheese cake!! Nummy!!! ;)
nana, ahhhhh, I love you too my friend!! Next week, I promise, shotgun blast to the scrotum!!!! Dedicated to you, and you alone!!!!
~smooch~
;D
poor sinner, it was from Frank Gifford. He's my hero. ;)
Sheila, my, my, it was a lovely day, the prince and I played a rousing game of Cricket on the greens, and after wards we told bawdy jokes about English pubs and wenches, teehehe!! ;)
rainee, stupid Canadian scammers!!!!! They are the worse, they seemingly are very tactiful at their scams!!!!! I am ready to do battle anytime, anywhere, as my knowledge of Canada is much(I've watched hours of Canadian Broadcast Television which included but not limited to those 'stop action animation' shows such as David and Goliath(where the dog turns into a lion!! AWESOME!!!). ;D
Dr. Spud, coming from you, that's a compliment I accept with honor!! ;)
grif, god damn it, my friend, how would I do that? Blog it AFTER I've killed myself, the After Life Waiting Room doesn't have High Speed Internet, it'd take me forever to update the images!! Sheesh.....by the way, BP called me, they want me to accept a hit contract out on you. I told them, Okay....~smooch~
;P
Doug, ahhh thanks. You're welcome!! ;) P.S. welcome to my world, remember, drinks are free and so are the drugs!! ;)
Ghost, about as real as my posts go!!!! :D The responses to my emails are real. I couldn't make this stuff up. Spanks are always nice!! :D
Dave, yeah, anytime my friend, anytime!! :D
LadyMiko, ~taking a bow~ ;D
(I haven't had any coffee, and am drinking caffeine free diet coke, so I have no excuse!! WAAAAA!!!!!! ;D)
Fay, if you want to get a bunch, I'll send you one of mine to respond to, I guarentee with the first response, you'll have hundreds of emails from lots of fine folks offering you the chance to pose as some long dead rich dude's relative. :D (Make sure to use an email account you don't care that will soon be getting such items as 'Hit contract out on you' or 'FROM THE DESK OF MADAM FRENCHISE SENATIE!!' :D)
I thought I was the only one with a special friend who is incredible rich but just can't get at that money, just so awful for poor old them...
We are in love you know, she told me as much. At our wedding we are going to serve horse crap and crackers.
**TEARS** I came close to wedding a nice lady from Russia, where insanity is a good quality for the father of future children, but then, she was executed for crimes against something. Very sad.
Love is a tough thing to find and hold on to!! I hope your love lasts as long as the good Reverends' Internet connections!! ;)
old new lefty, I know, it helps that I slept with a member of the Royal Family. I won't say who, except to say, "Horse face!" ;D
xenon, I am dead. Here. Remember, puff, puff, pass!! :D
Luis, sadly, I tried to help the state of Cali, but that governor of yours was like, "I cannot understand you, all I hear is meows and such...." Pffffft. California needs a gov who can understand cat!! :D
Drew, I love you too snooky butt!! ~smooch smooch~