It is another beautiful day, a Saturday, the day before the 4th of July, thirteen more days till the most important day in world history, the day Tink was born in 1971 to Ethel and Gary Czakawaski in a place called Spokane, Washington.

Or Duluth.

Or maybe it was Poland.

I forget and it doesn't matter unless I run for President and then I have ten birth certificates to throw at the tea bagging monkey truckers who will DEMAND that I show it to them RIGHT now!!

Mother truckers, I'm the President of the F*cking United States of America, I own YOUR asses, not the other way around! I want you dead, YOU'LL BE DEAD!! Nobody questions Dictator for Life Ramone R. Tinkerer!!! NOBODY!!!

Yes, a beautiful day indeed!!

As most of you, my dedicated reader, knows I have been the lucky bastard to have not one, not two, but hundreds of Nigerian princesses call me "Their one true love!!" and that is just these last couple of days.

How did I get so lucky?   How did I step into this world of dead fathers, evil step mothers, refugee camps in Dkalalaksasa, Laos, and fine young reverends who for some reason allow these folks to use their computer and phones?

Open.Salon.com is how.  One little private message from a woman who wanted to "move away from here" and who "love does not matter age, creed, other stuff inserted here...." and a response from HOCHI69 paved the way for hundreds, if not thousands of folks to come to the virtual door step of Mr. Edward Fartes asking for help, and help he provided.

I haven't shared all of my stories in this genre, some of them were too heart breaking to tell you, my beloved readers and friends, you would cry too many tears, wrote letters to Ed I Tor demanding that she/he/it send you these folks with their love letters, and then Ed would come to me and go,

"YOU PIDDLE ON MY ROSES AGAIN!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!"

But today, I have decided to share one of my love stories with you, to show you, that yes, Pablo, there is love out there, briming full of money, but sadness too, real bad sadness, the kind that make you go BOOHOOHOO!!

Chapter one

FIRST CONTACT IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT!

Love, sex, money, power, it all begins with the first email, that introduction into a world, a world where men are men and women are women, or sometimes men are women and women are men, and etc. and etc. and etc.

My first introduction to a woman known to us now as Amanda was a simple email, one that I knew, that even though it was in my junk folder, would be full of excitement, even if I confused her with someone else sending me a pic when in fact she didn't, but who cared of my slip up, the script must go on.

To: amanda_v3@katamail.com
Date: Thu, 1 Jul 2010 16:22:33 +0200
Subject: Hello
From: amanda_v3@katamail.com


please write me
back,I have something
to tell you.

Nuova grafica e nuove funzionalità! Crea subito Gratis la tua nuova Casella di Posta Katamail

Ah, a simple message, but one that just translate into the beginning of a well written spy novel.  I responded with the same style of message, one that would begin a well woven mystery novel.

FROM: HO CHI MINH

TO: AMANDA

Hello!!!
 
I am writing you back.  How are you? I am fine!! I like cheese.  Well, will write more later,
 
Love,
 
Ed

The first move in this online game of chess had been set in motion.  What would be her next move? Kissy kissy time? Not so fast my friend, first I would have to put a ring around her finger, or however that song goes!

From: amanda_y4@hotmail.com
To: hochi69@hotmail.com
Subject: Thanks
Date: Fri, 2 Jul 2010 07:22:53 +0000

Dearest One.

Thanks for your mail,I know this mail will not come to you as a suprise since we have not had a previous correspondance, please bear with me.i will realy like to have a good relationship with you, and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you, I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here and after reading your profile.,I am Miss AMANDA Harry F. Moniba 25 years old girl from Liberia,the daughter of Late Dr. Harry F. Moniba the former vice president of the Republic of Liberia and standard bearer of the Liberian National Union ,
My father was died by car crash on Wendsday night, November 24,2004 while he was traveling from Jackson, Michigan to Ohio (USA). .

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment I, m receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father.Meanwhile I wanted to escape to the Europe but she hide away my international passport and other valuable travelling documents.
Luckily she did not discover where I kept my fathers File which contains important documents. So I decided to run to the refegee camp where I am presently
seeking asylum under the United Nations High Commission for the Refegee herein Dakar, Republic of Senegal.

I wish to contact you personally for a long term business relationship and investment assistance in your Country.
My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$5, 700, 000.00 in Bank with my name as the next of kin.
 However, I shall forward you with the necessay documents on confirmation of your acceptance to assist me for the transfer and investment of the fund.As you will help me in an invsetment, and i will like to complete my studies, as i was in my ist year in th university, when the crisis started. It is my intention to compensate you with 10% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my investment capital.
This is the reason why I decided to contact you.

Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest I will put things into action immediately.

In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. iam staying at the female hostel.Awaiting your urgent and positive response. Please do keep this only to your self please i begg you not to disclose it till i come over , once the fund has been transfered.Pls i will give you my picture next order time that i will email you ok

Yours Sincerely,

Amanda..

Oh Amanda, you came into my life, oooooh Amanda, I felt a Rod Stewart song building up, but I would save it for my Broadway musical, MAN, THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF DIRECTOR OF SUCH AND SUCH BEING KILLED OFF AROUND THE WORLD!!!

I knew Ohio, it was a tough state, many folks were killed by car crashes there, too many to count.  My own uncle Timothy was killed by numerous car crashes there, too many to count, too many deaths for just one man.

I wrote back to Amanda, my peach pie, my loving cup, in a length that her message deserved.

FROM: HO CHI MINH

TO: AMANDA CUM AND SQUIRT

I am ready, lets do it!

And my words must have touched her, in places I cannot describe on a family site such as here, except to say, in the fine words of Oprah and a few thousand writers of bad erotica including myself, I TOUCHED HER VA JAY JAY AND MADE HER WET WITH LUST...

Amanda responded quickly!

From: amanda_y4@hotmail.com
To: hochi69@hotmail.com
Subject: All About Me
Date: Fri, 2 Jul 2010 22:06:58 +0000

Dearest One,
 
I have really been touched by your message  Dear, Since when I sent my life history message to you, I have been wondering high what your reaction will be, Because we have never meet or known each other before,
 
But despite that you replied me with sympathetic and couragious words. I have choose you to assist me not by own doing   Honey. Through my late fathers WILL it is compulsory that I must execute this transaction with a foreigner and for this reason I have taken my time to pray and fast about this communication before I ever contacted you for this transaction and for your help to make me come and complet my Education in your country. I just believe after prayers that I will meet some one like you, Now by my mere trust I have found you,
 
I am sure the you will not let me down. I wish you could help me out from this disgusting environment ,i will greatly treasure your help to me ,it is not a thing of joy living with my experience ,Having a happy home today and tommorow ,a sad home and becoming a refugee ,i know the saddness it send through my spine writing to you about any thing that recalls the memories of my parents.
 
My Father had a two wives before he demised ,
my mother was the second ,the first one couldn't raise him an issue after four years of their marriage that emerged in him the idea of getting a secong wife that happened to be my late mother as i was told ,After the marriage of my mother ,she turned hostile and aggriesive till the extent my father had to sent her packing and rented an apartment for her in the town.
 She came back with her things after the news of my parents death ,she has been more or less hostile to me and want to deny me of all my fathers asset ,i am just like being in a wicked circle that nothing in the house pleases ,hence my decision to leave all the assets to her and came to this refugee camp where i am currently staying .
All my plead to you is your assistance please. i came out with the certificates that my father was isuued to when he made a deposit with one of the Bank firms ,and i have confirmed from the Bank about my statue as the next of kin being my parent's only daughter. they adviced me to come with the certificates of which my father deposited the Money with ,
 
but due to my inabilitiy and lack of resources ,i decided to contact you for a help please ,i will be very glad if you should consider to help me please ,there is no other hope i have for a survival apart from this ,my step mother has taken possesion of all my parent hard earned asset without considering me , please take into consideration to help me.
 
Firstly I thank you for your indication of helping me now, because I so muchly love to complet my education in your country, You will be managing the funds for me while I will go back to school,
I want to go striaght to the point, I am mailing you from the office of the Rev.Father in the camp, I have confide on him, I did explained a bit about my situtation to him but not everything, He gave me the access to his computer twice a day just to help me because I told him that I want to get out from africa as soon as possible, But firstly I must get the funds transferred into an account abroard, Since I don't have any body abroard I decided to contact you,
 Only if you will be honest and kind to my situtaion and assist me with all sincerity in your heart.
This is Rev.Fathers telephone number :+221-76-63-25-952 When you call tell him that you want to speak with Mis. Amanda. the Liberian girl, Tell the Rev.Father that you will like to speak with me. i have no acess of income here to make call, i will like you to send to me your full data such as .

(1) your Home adress----------------------------------
(2) your full name --------------------------------------
(3) your phone number---------------------------------
(4) your fax number------------------------------
(5) your age -------------------------------
(6) your Occupation----------------------------

On receipt of this email will i forward to you all the contact of the Bank where this Money is deposited by my late father for you to make contact with them and ask them the possibility of releasing the money to your acount, i am looking forward to read from you.
After the transaction we will work for my comming to your country. also send me your pic.

my regards love
regards

yours sincerelly
Amanda.

Now, before I go on with Amanda's story, I must explain something. I have three love stories going on right now, with the exact same story, except the names have changed, the reverend father is still there in all three stories along with the refugee camp.

Amanda did not send me a picture.  But, Mary K. and Joy, also in the assuming same refugee camp, sent me pictures.  To be truthful, their likeness to each other was uncanny.   Twin sisters you could not find more exact if you tried, even down to the same background scenery and clothing.

 (Mary Kipkalya: Her daddy was killed, murdered, death death, by angry leprachauns, or Chinese nationalists, or maybe that was someone else.  Good friend to Reverend Father) (Miss Joy Jose: Her daddy was also murdered, killed, death death, molested by pig farmers or again, that could be another story in the email folder.  I have noticed that there seems to be a lot of wicked step mothers trying to get the money.  I'd be shocked into actually sending money if one of these folks ever said, "...and my father's second wife, my step mother, was very kind to me, and tried to help me get my money, but she was gunned down too by the same rebels who killed my father...")

This all needed to be said, because my next responses to Amanda are well, confusing even to me, especially after I discovered my mistake!! Oops!

FROM: HO CHI MINH

TO: AMANDA HUGENKISS 

Dearest lady of my heart,
 
Here is the information you have requested --- giving freely!
 
(1) your Home adress---------------------------------- 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Hollywood, California, USA
(2) your full name --------------------------------------Edward Fartes
(3) your phone number--------------------------------- 1-800-328-2625
(4) your fax number------------------------------1-800-328-8928
(5) your age -------------------------------38
(6) your Occupation----------------------------CEO/DIRECTOR HOCHI69
 
Dearest honey bunches, I sent you my picture and told you, that I was shocked that you look exactly like my sister Mary in the pic you sent me, down to the same face, look, clothing, even the same scenery in the back!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT  WAS UNCANNY!!!!

I was going to send her my universally accepted work ID card but decided to hand type it in, plus my id card does not have my official phone numbers on them(Eat-cock and my fax is eat-twat) which is always important when dealing with international bank transfers!

 HELPING OUR CHILDREN HEAL INTERNATIONAL, Helping the world to heal one child at a time since 1969!!!! Below is one of the children we helped back in 1982!! She is now a teacher at Little Falls Elementary School in Little Falls, Kentucky.

She also dances at Big Mike's Titty Bar,Massage Parlor, Tax Services and Bait/Liquor store in Crawfish, Kentucky!!!! 

  HOCHI69 HELPED ME BECOME A WHAT I AM TODAY!!!!

Amanda seemingly didn't mind my little slip up and kept going.

From: amanda_y4@hotmail.com
To: hochi69@hotmail.com
Subject: Contact this bank now
Date: Sat, 3 Jul 2010 09:20:50 +0000

Dearest Darling,
 
Thank you for your mail I will really love to meet with your sister when i come over there to join you, Here in Senegal is like one staying inside prison, and i don't want to continue like this , once the the bank start up the transfer process i will start up too for my arrangement to meet you face to face.
 
My intention is to have a good future, and a good living,and promise i will give all the respect that a wife will give to her husband i will never disappoint you when i come over to your place,
Honey I believe in my heart that your help to me will bring something good to you, and i assure you that if God will use you to help me out of this situation, i will never forget you in my life and with what you have said in your mail to me i now have the confidence to go ahead with you. Bellow here is the contact of the bank.
 
Beside i have brothers and sisters but i am the next of kin of the Money, Don't worry they will be no question at the bank OK,
 
              Contact:
                       BANK MANDIRI SN.

                  Avenue Abdolaye Faiga
                            Dakar

                         DAKER SENEGAL.
                 
                     Tel:+221 76-34-20-784.
                     Fax:+ 221 76-34-20-78.
                     Email: bkmandiri@accountant.com
                     
                            
Looking forward to hear your responce from the bank.God bless you ,
Please Call the Bank, When you get them on the line, you can tell them that you are calling unbehalf of the fund of Dr Harry F. Moniba from Liberia with.

ACCOUNT NUMBER...015038201034.
Bank Code: 0094.
Code Gulchet: 01009.
RIB: 1.
Swift Code Ecofsnda.

You are representing me as my foreign partner as well as the next of kin to the fund OK, and ask them the possibility of transferring this fund to your position in your country.
Please do your best to make sure that you make contact with the bank, i will advice you to call them on their telephone number and at the same time send an email to them for them to know our seriousness, what ever you discuss with them OK, get back to me so that i will be
knowing what is happening.My prayer is for God to grant me my pursuance and by the grace of God he will surely see us through.Please once again keep it only for yourself, for my safety and security.
The most important thing is to make sure that you make contact with the bank let us hear from them before any other thing will be done.Go ahead and call them.Expecting to hear from you the responce from the bank soon. Please take good care, and put me in your daily prayers, love you and i cant wait to meet you face to face also send me your photo.
God bless you,

Regards,

Amanda.

Damn, we're moving pretty fast.  Went from just a bank transfer to hints of marriage and possible sexy good time. 

I still didn't send her my pic.  But I decided to write off to the bank.

FROM: HO CHI MINH

TO: BANK OF COOLNESS AND TRUST --- C.O. OF DR. TUTU MANAWANNAKISS

SUBJECT: let us have sex --- oops, I mean, I AM THE REPRESENTATIVE OF AMANDA HARRY

Hello and greetings,
 
I am Edward Fartes, representative of Amanda Harry, and have been trusted by her to act on her behalf in the benefits of transfering her father's estate, Doctor Harry S. Nutz, of Liberia, who died and was killed most brutally by angry pygmies or maybe by his second wife, who knows, who cares, lets just get this transfer on the road.
 
Here is the following information:
 
ACCOUNT NUMBER...015038201034.
Bank Code: 0094.
Code Gulchet: 01009.
RIB: 1.
Swift Code Ecofsnda.
 
Thank you.
 

I need to add to my resume that I have been involved in numerous foreign bank exchange and transfers. I've done so many, I know what the next part of the script is!

I write to Amanda telling her of what I have done!

FROM: HO CHI MINH

TO: AMANDA SQUEEZE YA NUTS INSIDE ME

Dearest love muffin and my chocolate cherry pie,
 
I think you would love my sister, she is just like you in so many ways.  I told her I was talking to you, and showed her your picture, she was shocked as well at how much you both looked alike.  I cannot wait till we meet face to face, to hold you, to kissy kiss you till the day light breaks, to call you my sweetum pudding puff with extra whip cream all over your face.
 
I have contacted the bank with the information you have sent, I will tell you right now, to get ready your father's death certificate and bank statement as I have done this before and that's usually the next step, then I will expect a transfer fee of something like $2,539.88 to be sent to Dr. Amumu right away, which I will do as soon as I can get down to my local Western Union office to make the final arrangements.
 
Soon, my love, we will be together, and we can begin our life as brother and sister....
 
Yours 4ever,
 
Ed

This is not the end, far from it, soon an email will be recieved from the Bank of Ethopia stating that they need the death certificate and bank statement(Mary K. sent me hers really quickly, I would post it here but it really must be seen in its full 3000kb file format, the vibrant colors, the flag of Africa, the  poorly Photoshopped text, a thing to truely see!!!), then after I respond to that, they will ask for the transfer fee, Mary's bank asked me for $2,689 or something, I sent them this ----

FROM: HO CHI MINH

TO: THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF BANKING AND PANCAKES, NIGERIA BRANCH 109 

Dear Ali,  I have informed my International Fiance and Overseas Holding Division to send you the transfer fee stated below in your email, Dr. Walter Timothy, PHd, Western Unioned the money to you and your bank for the amount describe plus a bit of a helper fee for yourself, which you can do what you want. 
 
I am forwarding you the information that I was provided by the good doctor ----
 
MTCN : 622 155 4897
Sender's Name:Doctor Walter Timothy acting on behalf of HOCHI69
Question: Who can make it rain candy?
Answer:The Candy Man Can!! THE CANDY MAN CAN!!!
Amount: $5,326.37 USD
 
Thank you for your promptness in this dealing,
 
Your friend,
 
Ed

So far, the bank has yet to contact me on whether or not they got the money. So if you want, go ahead and rush down to your Western Union shop, you must sing the question and answer before they are authorized to release the money!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!