I live in Southern Indiana, right across the mighty Ohio River from Louisville, Kentucky, as most of you know, and in this region, we get more of the Kentucky Political Scene(now forever known as KPS(or Kentucky Political Shit) than the Indiana Political Scene(IPS, well, you get the joke!).
I've been here for 12 years, going on dead, it would seem and like any other place, the politics is cut-throat, man against man, lesbians wanting to knife the gay club kids cause they stole their parking spot.
You get the picture.
Indiucky is tough.
This year it's a little different as now we get both states political hopefuls slamming each other on the TV screen. Yes, dear reader, it is going to be a long campaign season, which seemingly started back in 1776 or something.
All the candidates, Republican, Democratic, Tea Party, Coco Party, Jesus Saves(under DOS 3.0), ETC. ETC. ETC. seemingly are for 'Change'.
What kind of change? I'm not sure, but that other guy they're running against is seemingly the biggest asshole in the entire universe.
How do I know?
The TV ads tell me so.
I thought as a public service to my dear readers(Hi Sid!!!) I would traverse the World Wide Web and do an in depth look at some of these politicians who are now running these ads.
Today's victim is a man who made Kentucky politics a national one(Mitch McConnell? Not today!!!), your favorite doctor of eyes, ears and sometimes asses, when he feels like it, Rand Paul!!!
Who is Dr. Rand Paul?
According to his website --- at http://www.randpaul2010.com/ ----
Rand Paul is a leprechaun who has been married to his wife Kelley, who seems human but probably isn't, for 19 years.
She's originally from Beaver Falls, Kentucky or something.
For some odd reason we are told this in the ABOUT section. I think if I could, I'd vote for her.
That's a lot of years and they have 3 sons to prove that hey, Republicans can so have sex, at least three times. More times than Rand's opponent has had, by the number of kids in his family, only one.
The sons' names are Bippity, Boppity and Boop.
Rand is the third child out of five to his parents, Carol and Ron Paul, who actually didn't have the heart to tell him but he was found in the rock patch in Lake Jackson, Texas, where he grew up.
He graduated some colleges and became a doctor in Pacman and Space Invaders and did some work in Atlanta as an intern and fondled nurses at Duke University Medical Center, after which, he and his wife moved to Bowling Green Kentucky in 1993, where they began procreating, and oh yeah, he started his practice or something.
In 1995, he battled lions and tigers and oh yeah, started an eye thingie for poor kids to get eaten by lions and tigers, I think, I could be wrong, I'm just skimming his ABOUT page over at his official website.
Rand also is all about the seniors and their sight.
He developed a new way to gouge out the eyes of 60 and over patient called, 'RectoDeFiberANator' which he has successfully blinded 250 folks in one day, a new record according to the Book of World Record.
His official statement, "After 60, you've seen everything you'll want to see, so why put yourself through the pain of seeing yourself turn old and stuff!" (Legal Disclaimer: Not really? But wouldn't it be funny if he did!)
In 1993, Rand found a bunch of Kentucky tax payers and they told the rest of Kentucky how their tax dollars were being spent on cheap prostitutes and/or horses.
They wrote a pledge too. Something like, "We think Erik Estrada is peachy keen!!"
That was pretty radical for 1993 when most people would have gone, "Erik awhoa?"
No comment needed.
Again, Rand is a dedicated something, maybe a father, and a husband, but not on Wednesdays, that's the day he goes out and steals peoples' souls(this according to his opponent's web site!).
Regularly he also volunteers to coach his sons' teams, but they are always like, "No thank you pop, you suck as a coach, why don't you go run for senator or something!!!"
Rand and his family attend church at the Church of Romantic Devils or something, where his wife, Kelley, you remember her right? is deacon or plays the accordion.
These website sure do put in a lot of information.
Rand Paul is a hard-working, dedicated physician, not a career politician. His entrance into politics is indicative of his life’s work: a desire to diagnose problems and provide practical solutions. (TINK NOTE: Copied and pasted straight from his website so all those supporters out there won't kill me and according to campaignmoney.com, there's enough out there to gain Rand millions in contributions. No, I'm not afraid, actually, I'm planning my own campaign for Senator of the Great State of Wisconsin! SEE PREVIOUS POSTS!!!! )
"Hey honey, check out what that bastard Tink wrote about you on his blog?" I SHALL DEVOUR HIS SOUL!!!! "Oh honey, you always say that!!! Kids drink your sodas!! And Bippity, stop stealing your dad's shirt!!!"
Next time, we'll bastardize some other politician's web site, maybe Jack Conway, who the Kentucky Police supposedly support.
Cause Rand Paul says drugs are good or something.
We might just skip that and go straight to your mom's website, Mrs. Jane Cackaway for City Council!!
She's a slut.
Good night and have a better tomorrow.
PAID FOR BY MAKE TINK A MILLIONAIRE
"Oh no he didn't!!"
"Oh yes he did!!!"