Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a senator, running the high seas, declaring war on skippers and getting booty.
Then I remember, that's a pirate life and I go back to watching American Idol and live blogging about it.
I've decided that I too want to become a senator, Senator S.J. Jameapecka of the great state of whoever will elect me.
To build my 'platform' I will move through the political scene, worshipping at the altar of the BullShip, discovering what makes the Scene run like a well oiled dildo up the butt of America.
And then I will blog about it.
I know, sounds like fun right?
Yeah, I know, not really.
Somehow a woman running for senate in the great state of Delaware has come to the national spotlight.
One word: MASTURBATION.
Okay, and witchcraft.
Sarah Palin seemingly likes her too.
I made a venture into the world of witch craft as well, though my journey involved some peyote and a woman named Nancy which I think will make for better press coverage when the time comes.
Christine O'Donnell, or Christine to her friends, seemingly is the newest version of Sarah Palin, the student to the Palin, if you must.
To me, she is a lust in my heart, and uh, well, that's about it.
Yes, I do have low standards.
WHO IS CHRISTINE?
Tink decided to find out. According to Christine's website (http://christine2010.com/ )
"As a woman of principled determination, with a governing philosophy centered on the core values of the great American tradition and a wide experience in taking on the liberal establishment, Christine O’Donnell is your candidate for U.S. Senate from the First State."
I wasn't sure what the core values of the great American tradition was, but I knew what the liberal establishment was(HI JOAN WALSH AND SALON.COM!!! I MISS YOUR HATS, BOTH OF YA!!!).
Christine has a blogger relationship seperate email account and I decided to write it, seeing how I am a blogger of some international fame(Hi Asteranagard in Iran!! I see you!!!!) and shockingly, I recieved an email back within minutes, (Disclaimer: No, not really. Seemingly my email is blocked by Republicans and Democrats alike!!! Awesome, I know!!)
"Hi Tink. Christine wants to do your interview. Call her at **number removed by request** **Okay, it was 1-800-stroke-u-cock** today at 10:45 am!"
I was stoked, I shot one off just so I'd be ready for the interview.
The Weather Channel women are still the best.
Tink: Hi, Christine, this is Tink from the world famous blog, 'My children were all killed by my masturbating in the 1980s through today' how are...
Christine: WHO IS THIS AGAIN!?!!!
Tink: Oops, I mean, this is R.J. Fistenstein. I talked to your blogger and new media relation person through email about doing an interview with you for my blog, "Die Liberal Scum! Die"
Christine: Oh yeah, you had me worried that you might be, **goes to a whisper** Communist masturbators. You know, masturbation is wrong, says so in the bible, better to flood the belly of a whore then lose your seed to the ground.
Tink: I've heard that. So first question, on your website, on your about section, you state, "As a woman of principled determination, with a governing philosophy centered on the core values of the great American tradition and a wide experience in taking on the liberal establishment, Christine O’Donnell is your candidate for U.S. Senate from the First State." What is the core values of the great American tradition?
Christine: Well, as you may already know, the great American tradition is what America is all about, freedom to be, freedom to do, freedom to kill commies in the streets whereever we may find them.
Tink: Oh yeah, but doesn't it also involve not allowing women or people who aren't of the white color frame not to vote let alone be free and all that jazz.
Tink: Yeah, back not too long ago, you wouldn't even be allowed to walk outside without a male personage in tow let alone the right to vote. Are you saying we should go back to that? Women should just get their asses back in the kitchen and make pie for their men while popping out 10 to 13 kids litter?
Christine: What? Where did you get that?
Tink: From you website, American Tradition!! Wooooo!!
Christine: That's not what I meant!
Tink: That might not what you meant, but that's what you said!! Translation is fun. Next question.
Christine: I think this interview is over.
Tink: Hello? Crap, she hung up. Stupid bad phone lines. (TINK NOTE: I almost deleted this part of the article, yeah, I do sound like a sexist asshole, don't I? Go with what you know!! Teeheehee!! I sure could use some pie!! Boohoohoo!!)
So now we decide to stand up and go to the real issues, where Christine stands on these issues(straight from her website!!!)
Jobs: Believes jobs are created when businesses are freed from endless taxes and bureaucratic red tape.
You go right on believing that.
Here's my stance, you give the companies freedom from endless taxes and that red tape, and they'll take those savings and give their CEOs and such big bonuses. There might be jobs created but it won't be for the typical working man, maybe CEO's kids.
They'll still outsource jobs overseas. Unless it becomes cheaper to keep the jobs here, which sadly is happening due to the recession, India tech support now wants 2 bowls of rice, American tech support will take bowl of rice which company charges 5 bucks a bowl to be taken from paycheck.
Yeah, some of you will say, "But yeah, those CEOs will take those bonuses and create jobs by buying Lexus or mansions! More than what some piddly little worker will do with buying an IPod or food." and I say to that,
God bless the System, man!!
Security: Believes terrorism is an act of war requiring the full force of our intelligence and military resources rather than granting terrorists precious Constitutional rights and outsourcing our foreign policy to the U.N.
So you don't like it when we outsource our foreign policy to other countries eh?
I say we should just nuke the world, and get it over with. Seems to be an easier solution.
Debt: Believes heaping trillions in debt on the backs of our grandchildren is immoral and that Congress is elected to make the hard choices to preserve our nation’s future prosperity.
Good thing I don't have any children, so I say, keep heaping baby!!! Teeheehee!! Sorry. I guess technically I have children, and soon, will be a grandfather, so okay, I'll give you this point.
(Don't ask about the technically part -- it involves some intricate details involving a cyber-adoption of a 23 year old Russian model!!!!! And yes, the wife knows!! Teeheehee!! She also has cyber-son who well, in about a month will become father so again....WE'RE GOING TO BE GRANDPARENTS!! WHOOOO!!!!)
Taxes: Will fight to remove the crushing tax burden faced by American families and businesses and dramatically simplify the tax code.
How you going to do that? Oh kill off the accountants huh? Hmm, that would seem like a good plan, but some of my best friends are accountants. Maybe we should look at other ways!
Life: Strongly believes in protecting the sanctity of life at ALL stages.
So you don't believe in killing off stupid people? Yeah, me neither, be lot less politicians on both sides if we could do that!! Good point.
Wait, ALL stages? Damn, so I should have filled the ass of a goat instead of just shooting it into a sock earlier?
Energy: Supports a market-based approach to energy solutions that will keep competition high and energy prices low.
Yeah. Sure. Me too. While we're at it, I believe in a place that has chocolate rivers and lollipop forests. P.S. I think I'm falling in lust with you, Christine. Be right back.
Welp, I'm back, killed a few generations of Tinks, which most say is a good thing. Teeheehee!! The Idiots are Taking Over already, so why add to the problem?
Values: Believes our country was founded on core values of faith, family and freedom and will fight to defend those values. Will always fight for maximum choice for parents about where to educate their kids, including private, parochial and charter schools or in the home.
Me too. But again, which faith? And what is the definition of family? Is a heterosexual widow raising their kids after the death of a spouse considered a family under the Republican Pledge? All I keep hearing is "One man, One Woman" in that definition?
Should Safe Bet Amy just go head and become straight and get herself a man?
A man named Fred, with blue eyes and big muscles so she can swoon and such over him such as "Oh Fred, my hero!!" while she cooks pies and churns butter.
You go ahead and tell her that. She carries a gun.
Spending: Believes unrestrained government spending is eroding our freedom, destroying our economy and ceding our sovereignty to foreign debt- holders like China.
Me too!!!! But ceding our sovereignty for oil is still okay, right? Awesome.
Accountability: Denounces corrupt pork-barrel politics, including earmarks, and will fight for increased transparency and performance information for every Federal program.
Every politician says this in some variation. And so will I, I believe only pork barrel projects that help me are good, all the others, BAD!!!!! Super bad if you need the technical term.
Healthcare: Believes that the solution to the healthcare crisis is less government meddling in the doctor/patient relationship, more competition in the insurance market and more choice for families about their health plan.
I believe there should be death panels. Too many old people feeding on my share of the glorious teet which should be mine. Stupid old people!!!
What? Oh yeah, except my friends who happen to be 'aged' like fine wines or rancid cheese. No death panel for them, unless you know, they want to die!
A lot do for some reason.
I think they need more medications.
Gun control: Christine’s strong support of 2nd Amendment rights has earned her an “A” rating from the NRA.
Guns don't kill people, bullets do!! Hahaha. Sorry. I loves me some guns. So we agree on this, stupid people, they should be shot! Into the sun! AWESOME!!!
So what do I think about Christine? She seems nice. Would I vote for her? Probably not.
Why not? Beats me.
Good night and have a better tomorrow.