Democrat Senator Evan Bayh decided he doesn't want to play 'Catch the Sausage' anymore as senator in Washington, DC and will not be seeking re-election this time around, a position he has held for 12 years.

His ass hurts, I don't blame him.

Some think he'll run for governor of Indiana when that comes up in 2012, but really, who cares? It's Indiana, where we don't even have a governor. 

We do?

Awesome.

What does this mean for the State of Indiana?

This November 2nd, 2010, we, the voters of Indiana, will get a chance to vote someone new into the bucket up in DC .

Who are the candidates?

Tink has no ideas. 

He seen a TV commercial as a blip, paid for by The Betterment of Government through Anal Sex with Donkeys and it had no names except Walter Cherries of Rectum Falls, Indiana as treasurer.

And it just stated that the Democrats are all about killing old people.

So he went to indianavoters.com where he found all kinds of wonderful information.

Dog catcher for his area was up for re-election, but for this article, that isn't important.

Here are the candidates in all their glory:

On this side of the fence, the Republicans are throwing in a horse known to the world at large as Dan Coats. His website is called Coats for Indiana @ http://http://www.coatsforindiana.com/  I got confused at first and ordered a coat. 

Winter is coming.  And my coat is all chewed up.

Stupid neighbor's dog.

Mr. Coats told me over the phone that he didn't sell coats, he was running for senator of Indiana, could he count on my vote?

I told him maybe.  "Let me write my blog and decide after that!" 

"You write a blog? Where at?"

"Open.Salon.com" I proudly answered.

"Gay site?" he asked. 

"Sometimes.  Can I write about you?"

"Sure. I'm Open!" 

We both laughed.   

On the other side, the Democrats are throwing in their horse known to the world at large as Brad Ellsworth.  His website is called, "Ellsworth for Indiana" @ http://www.ellsworthforindiana2010.com/ Again, I got confused and thought it was a place to order Avon collectable bottles.

But to beat all, Brad seemingly sells collectable Avon bottles on the side and well, lovely dear, I got the Martha Washington bust to complete my Avon collection --- First Ladies in Avon Bottles.

"Hey Brad!! My name is Tink. I write a blog over at Open.Salon, ever heard of it?"

"Nope!"

"Awesome! Mind if I write about you and the senate race for Bayh's old knickers in the senate?"

"Sure!! Will you need anything from me?"

"Nope!"

And to top it off as a true three legged race, the Libertarians have thrown in their own horse by the name of  Rebecca Sink-Burris. Her website is called quite simply, Elect Rebecca Sink-Burris, which can be found @ http://www.electrebecca.com/ 

Electre Becca would be an awesome name for a band! 

"No, it's suppose to be 'Elect Rebecca'!" Rebecca said when I told her what I thought her website addy was.

"Sort of like the penis mightier than the sword huh?"

"Who are you and how did you get my phone number?"

"Name is Tink, I write a blog over at Open.Salon.com.  And Google is your friend!"

"Government spies!!!!"  The phone went dead and anyways, that was enough questions for me to write my award winning article, 'How to make a salmon mousse!'

Now that we know who the candidates are, we can move on to the good stuff, the whats and the wheres.

First the easy one, Rebecca's! Her website tells us nothing of a bio.  A way out tactic for a candidate as most of them always have something like:

Rebecca was born on the planet X'azan 2350 on stardate 1235.23 to her pod-links of Doloris and Henry. 

Before X'azan 2350 was blown up by some strange unexplained natural thingie like Superman's home world, she was placed into a pod and shot off into space, where she landed on Earth....

That's okay, Rebecca doesn't need a bio, she has issues. 

No seriously, she does.

Stop laughing.

This is serious. 

Hi Rebecca.  Tell US about your issues! (Tink note: It kind of sad when her Facebook like thingie only has 1 like on her issue page!! Uhm, Rebecca, you might want to remove that.   You want things to boost your ego, not make Tink cry!)

Jobs:  (Stolen from --- http://www.electrebecca.com/on-the-issues/ I'm basically just going to throw her job issues up because well, she has a lot of issues.  I know, I can't stop laughing either! Sorry Rebecca, we do that with all the candidates!!  We'll do this with the other candidates as well, otherwise, this article will be 12,000 pages long and well, the spammers will have to scroll all the way down to get to the comment section.  Just making it easier for the spammers!)

CHANCES OF REBECCA WINNING THE ELECTION:  About as well as Tink winning the election and he's not even running.   But we do like her stance on gun control! (Tink loves picnics and guns! Teeheehee!)

(Again, stolen from her website)

"I am a lifelong NRA member and gun owner. I host an annual picnic and shooting party with fellow libertarians and close friends on our homestead in Bloomington, Indiana. Because I believe in liberty and freedom, every law-abiding citizen has the right to purchase, own, and carry a gun.

This stance is not one born from yesteryear or from a militia-mindset as many paint it from opposing views. Countless studies have shown that gun ownership is a useful deterrent to criminal activity. One such study found Switzerland to be among the safest countries in the world where all citizens must own a gun."

And killing old people! Teehee!

WILL TINK BE VOTING FOR REBECCA: Nope, but she is more than welcome to attend my 'Burn down Tink's old boss' boss' boss' homes up in Hammond, Indiana!!! Bring your flame thrower.  Every American should have a flame thrower.

THE BIO as bastardized from http://www.ellsworthforindiana2010.com/meet_brad go there and you can see a pic of Brad, his wife, and his daughter.    

Brad Ellsworth was born and spent his early years in Huntingburg, Indiana.  When he was still in grade school, his mom and dad loaded up the family and their stuff, maybe a pet or two, doesn't say in the official BIO on his web site about this but we'll assume they did, and they moved to Evansville, Indiana where his dad worked for the Warrick County's Alcoa plant.

His mom stayed home and wished she was dead , oops, I mean, stayed home to raise Brad, his brother, and his sister.

Brad went off to college, earned some degrees, worked in the paint and hardware department at the Sears to earn money to get that degree.

In 1982, he began his career in the Vanderburgh County Sheriff Office. And for the next 24 years, he cried or something.   No, no, he was really good at his job and very brave. 

So brave, they gave him medals that said, "Howdy Doody Rescue Ranger 1969". Worth $27.50 on EBay. 

In 1998, Brad ran for sheriff and won by a landslide. No, literally, his opponent was caught in a landslide and died instantly.

He was unopposed running for a second term.

Anytime anyone thought they would run for sheriff against him, Brad shot them and sent their body to Arizona where they still can be found today.

Brad built a porn site or something while sheriff to capture sex offenders. 

He is very proud of this fact. 

God love him.

Brad has represented the 8th Congressional District since 2007. He sits on some committees where they talk about pong all day and then go home for long vacations.

He uses the talents that made him a great sheriff(sending corpses to Arizona!) as a great problem solver representing the district since 2007.

If elected senator, he'll send more bodies to Arizona.

Brad and his wife, Beth, reside in Evansville, Indiana. They have a daughter, Andrea, who is old enough and smart enough to have moved to Chicago where she teaches blind and deaf monkeys how to be politicians.  

The family attends St. Agnes Catholic Church even though they are Lutheran.

So now that we know enough about you to date you, Brad, tell us about your issues.

Please, quite in the forum, this is a serious look at some serious issues.

HOSERS!

HAHAHA! THAT SHOULD BE HOOSIER, DUMBASS!

Sorry. Please, continue.

Brad doesn't break out 'Jobs' in his issues but we'll copy and paste enough from http://www.ellsworthforindiana2010.com/issues that you can compare to the others and make a (mis)informed decision if you should happen to be voting in the Indiana election(for those in the graveyards, well, your vote will be handled by each perspective candidate matter to who gets to which death record first.

If you're not voting in the Indiana election, you can just sit back and laugh at Tink's cutting and pasting skills.

Economy

Brad’s father was a factory worker at Alcoa, who taught him the value of hard work and honesty. Brad followed his father’s example – working on the loading dock at Sears to pay his way through college – and has never forgotten those early lessons.

For too long, our economic policies have put profits over personal responsibility, and rewarded greed over a job well done. To get our economy moving again, Brad believes we’ve got to get back to the values that made this country great: working hard and playing by the rules.

That’s why Brad supported tax cuts for 95% of working families, and worked to reduce health care costs and cut government red tape for small businesses. He also supports investments to rebuild our roads, bridges and schools, and will continue fighting to ensure all Hoosier kids have access to a quality education that prepares them to compete in today’s global economy.

Haha. Good one my friend, working hard and playing by the rules!! You know what that gets you, right?

Dead. 

From working too hard and dying from a heart attack. 

Or asbestos exposure.

HOSER KIDS!!

Teeheehee.  I know.

Fiscal Responsibility

Brad and Beth, along with every other Hoosier family, make tough choices to balance their family’s budget, and Brad believes Congress should be held to the same standard when it comes to the nation’s budget. That’s why he fought for pay-as-you-go rules that ensure government does not spend beyond its means.

As Sheriff, Brad ensured the new Vanderburgh County jail was built not only on-time, but also under-budget, and he believes government contractors should be held responsible for meeting their deadlines and budgets too. That’s why he’s working to streamline the contracting process and increase oversight of government contractors to ensure the taxpayers’ dollars are being used wisely.

How did he ensure that the jail was built under-budget?

He used oatmeal to hold the cookies together.  Bricks are too expensive to be used as building materials here in Indiana.

Sorry. Continue.

Small Business

As Sheriff, Brad saw firsthand the ways small businesses and the hard-working men and women they employ strengthen our communities. He strongly supports tax relief to help Indiana small businesses in this tough economy. In addition, he also worked to reduce health care costs by supporting tax cuts worth up to 50% of the cost of providing coverage. Brad introduced legislation to lower payroll taxes for small businesses who hire new workers, and is working to cut the government red tape that often prevent small businesses from growing and creating jobs.

Brad, did you ever kill a man with your bare hands like they do on television?

No?

Loser.

Continue.

Gun Rights

In addition to being a lifelong hunter, Brad served as a law enforcement officer for over two decades. Those experiences reinforced Brad’s belief in the importance of protecting Hoosiers’ Second Amendment rights. He opposes any legislation that would impose burdensome regulations on responsible, law-abiding gun owners. In fact, the National Rifle Association gives Brad an “A” rating for his strong support of our Constitutional right to keep and bear arms.

Brad also hunts convicts on his secret island retreat where he demands everyone calls him Dr. Brad Ellsworth.  USA Network is optioning the TV series, which they are naming Dr. Brad, Medicine Woman.

They changed A LOT from the original premise.

NRA gave him an A on his stance on gun control.

They gave the same to Rebecca.

And Tink got an A from them as well.

NRA give you an A if you say, 'Guns are good, mmmmkay?'.

CHANCES OF BRAD WINNING THE ELECTION: Better than Rebecca but if I was a betting man, I'd go down to the river and smoke some weed.  Or kill old people, Brad's favorite hobby when he's not hunting convicts for sport.

WILL TINK BE VOTING FOR BRAD:  Nope. He's too sheriffy for me. I like my senators like I like my wine, in a bottle.  Wait, what?

THE BIO as bastardized from http://www.coatsforindiana.com/meet-dan/  You can go there and watch videos of Brad saying stuff like, "I'm a communist who likes to play with Obama's balls. Vote Coats!"

Dan Coats was, at one time, called the 'The Thinking Man's Conservative' by the Washington Post.

Dan Coats likes to push little kids into the Ohio River and watch them drown.  That's how I translate his statement stolen straight from his website, "Dan Coats has dedicated his life to public and community service and the Hoosier values of faith, family and freedom." How the hell do you translate it?

Oh. Really?   So no pushing little kids into a river to watch them drown?

Shoot. Was THIS close to voting for him.

A graduate of Wheaton College, Dan began his service to the United States of a F*cking America in the U.S. Army before attending Indiana University School of Fuzzy Bunny or Law, whichever sounds more silly where he recieved his JD and killed old people who got in his way to being associate editor of the  Law Review.

Dan worked for a Fort Wayne life insurance company(you know what that means, yep, he killed old people!! I don't ever want to grow old, people always trying to kill you!!!!) then served as District Rep. for then Congressman, Dan Quayle!!

Dan was elected to serve both the United States House of Representatives and the United States Senate.

Dan stepped down in 1999 from the Senate honoring a term limit pledge.

He then joined Bob Dole in killing Nazi vampires.  Or something.  Tink really has been working on this piece much too long for his usual, throw the crap at the screen and see if it flies so is getting REALLY loose with the translation.

Also the whiskey and cokes he had earlier are starting to wear off.

In 2001, he was named Ambassador to the Federal Republic of Germany. His second day on the job was September 11th, 2001 but he held firm and killed off the remaining Nazi vampires.

No, not really. There was still some left, where they ran off to Seattle and became like  part of the Twilight saga or something.

Dan left Germany and went to work for some lawyers, served as president of the Big Brothers and Sisters of America as well as serving as many other organization such as Center for Jewish and Christian Values, which he co-chaired with Senator Joe Lieberman. 

Dan and his wife Marsha met in college. They are the proud parents of  three grown children and the grandparents to seven.

So Dan, now that we know enough about you to commit you to the home(the bad kind of homes, the ones they show on 60 Minutes!), what are your issues besides trying to run away from the death squads who are trying to kill you, because you're old?

Seems Dan doesn't break it down like Rebecca does, with like, HERE'S MY PLAN FOR JOBS, KILL THE OLD PEOPLE, TAKE THEIR MONEY, FLEE INTO THE NIGHT LAUGHING WITH GLEE.

Dan's about kicking cans or something. 

You can find his full issues including PDF file downloads, videos, slide presentations and his Match.com profile at http://www.coatsforindiana.com/issues/economy/  You will also find out why he's running, but nothing on gun control.

NRA gave him a F-  (I have no clue what they gave him, but I  can imagine it wasn't very good for missing the assignment of writing about guns in a positive light!!!)

ECONOMY AND FISTING RESPONSIBILITY  oops, meant FISCAL.  TEEHEEHEE!

While Democrats – including my opponent incumbent Congressman Brad Ellsworth – focused on their health spending bill for the better part of 2009, Americans were concerned about the economy and jobs. Nearly ten percent of Americans, including Hoosiers, are out of work and yet, Democrats are recklessly spending money, piling on debt and adding to our deficit at rates we have never seen before. For instance, in June, our debt topped a staggering $13 trillion for the first time in our nation’s history.

The days of kicking the can down the road and passing our problems on to future generations have slipped away. We are facing very negative consequences not just for the future, but also the present, if Washington doesn’t get its act together quickly.

First, in order to turn away from our present disastrous course we must STOP the fiscal bleeding. Spending at our current levels cannot be sustained and will only add to the growing number of problems for future generations to fix. Therefore, we must put a halt to any new programs – regardless of how popular they are – until we get spending under control.

Second, I propose we take the necessary steps to incentivize our economy. We have to look at tax reductions for businesses, simplifying our tax code and creating tax incentives for innovation. We must grow our way out of the recession, not spend our way out as President Obama has repeatedly insisted we do.

Finally, it’s important to remember that this crisis is so deep, so devastating, that the solution must rise above politics. Difficult, and perhaps unpopular, decisions must be made today in order to ensure a better tomorrow.

I think we have to ask ourselves an important question: Are you willing to make the tough decisions for the future of our county and for the sake of your children and grandchildren? In my opinion, recent elections have shown most people would answer ‘YES!”

Can't we just kill those children and keep shoveling up the debt?  Nope, guess not, you're pro-life.

Stupid hitch in the plan.

CHANCES FOR DAN WINNING THE ELECTION: Really good. According to polls, which are always right(hahahaha) Dan is leading the way super hard into this election.  Evan Bayh is trying to help old Brad but it doesn't look good for the Democrats.  If I was a betting man, which I am, I would go over to the lake and do some bass fishing. 

WILL TINK BE VOTING FOR DAN: Nope.  He's old.  And you know what that means, yep, he's going to have to kill himself.  I'm sorry, it's in the rule book, the one I stole from Sarah Palin which she got from Arizona.

Cindy Ross never told me Arizona was THAT tough.

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?  Well, if you're a Democrat, it probably means you'll be a losing a (D) in the list of senators.   And if you're Republican, say hello to an addition of an (R) to that same list.

What does it mean for Tink? He'll be voting for Janet Wiggums from across the street for dog catcher.

Good night and have a better tomorrow.