November 2nd, 2010 is fast approaching and with all the politicans trying to win votes with their pretty mail stuffers, wild and colorful television ads, nifty websites and knocking on your door just as you ready yourself to watch the weather lady, Tink is reminded, "Man, my political pieces sure do get a lot of hits, LETS DO ANOTHER ONE!"

So I pulled out my handy dandy atlas and my really nifty random state picker(my tail!) and soon I discovered I would do a blog on, the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Well, that'll never do. 

There's no races there except for Supreme Tuna Fish of the World and really, it's no contest, Paulie the Tuna, hands or fins down.

So a new random pick was instituted.  The winner?

KANSAS!!!!!

This is what people think of when they think of Kansas, Dorothy riding her bicycle down a dirt road, the tornado readying itself on her to take her off to the Land of Oz.

Or Nana's house. Whichever happens first.

 

Kansas as seen by StateMaster.com. Hi Dodge City!

Tink went on Google and discovered this site: http://www.uselections.com/ks/ks.htm  for all of his state election needs. 

It seems like a pretty good site and even has a link on how to raise a non-racist child.

If you wish to raise a racist child, you will have to go to a different site, may I recommend TakingBackAmerica.org? 

What is Kansas all about?  According to The Unemployed Prick (http://theunemployedprick.cz.cc ) Kansas is full of God fearing atheists who like to pretend they're a hot rock band but they aren't.

Some might disagree, putting them up with the Rolling Stones, Cream, The Jaba Baba Twist and Shout, but that's a topic for another blog. 

It seems like Kansas Senator Sam Brownback (R) is running for governor in 2010.

Yes, Brownback does look like he should be running for sheriff of Podunken, Kansas doesn't he?

So who are the candidates that will try to get the vote of the people to screw them in the ass repeatly without even a kiss?

Supposedly, there's four, according to uselections.com, and tonight, Tink will review all of them by their own websites!

Again, sounds like fun right?

"No!! Sounds painful!!! And I so do look like a governor!!"

Shaddup Brownback. The people have spoken, you will be sheriff of Podunken.  

No bullets though, you might shoot yourself.

The Republican:  Jerry Moran, congressman, Ex-State Senate Majority Leader and Attorney.

The Democrat:  Lisa Johnston, college professor and pyschologist. No, seriously, that's what it says. 

The Libertarian: Michael Dann, no other information available. Guess who's getting a Google search first?

The Reform Party: Joe Bellis, software process analyst, Tea Party Activist, who likes puppy dogs and kitty witties, playing soccer with everyone in the world, and cross dressing on the side.   

 MICHAEL DANN

http://www.bellisforsenate.com/

Well, we know they're a libertarian, and we all know what that means!

SEX ALL NIGHT IN A HOT TUB!!!

No wait, that's Jersey Shore.

 Here he is, Michael Dann, or, according to his website @ http://www.mikedannforsenate.com/  , he likes to be called Mike.

He seems friendly, smiling, an American flag in his lapel.  God bless ya Mike, you seem like a friendly insurance salesman who'd be eaten alive in Washington DC by the likes of Senator Max Baucus, or Mitch McConnell or that guy from Maine.

Yes, my friend, Washington is broken, we need it fixed, before it reproduces again.

How will you fix it if elected?

Drag it out into the corn fields and shoot it? Awesome. Works for me.

WHO IS MIKE? (Tink note: as always, the stuff ripped and stolen from the candidates' websites are in italics, it makes it easier to skip the non-important babble that way!! Thank you! Cookies and punch will be served at the end of the debate!! Free beer tomorrow!)

"Although born and raised in southwest Ohio and living in several other areas of the country for 21 years, Mike settled down in the Lawrence, Kansas area 18 years ago." 

...where he killed Nazi vampires with his teeth along with his side kick, Denise Northwood of the River Valley.

Hey I was pretty close. 

I figured he was an insurance salesman. 

 Everyone in Kansas who wears a flag in their lapel and smiles like that is either an insurance salesman, part of the Mob, or dead.

Look it up on Google.

"Mike is married to a western Kansas girl, and has two adult sons and 4 grandchildren.  When not working or spending time with his extended family, Mike enjoys flying, hunting, and fishing."

A Kansas tradition if I ever heard of such a thing. 

WHAT ARE MIKE'S ISSUES?

Again, these politicians have lots and lots of issues.  More issues than I do when I forget to take my medication.   Tonight, we'll keep with the basics, fiscal and jobs and such.

Of course, as always, if you want a good laugh, just go to the candidates' websites and read their issues which they have kindly marked as 'Issues' on the side bar.

Mike actually has quite a few fans on Facebook.  One of them seemingly muslim.

The current federal deficit is irresponsible.  It has become so through the reckless spending over the past 20+ years by both parties.

Excuse me Mike, but I think that should be over the past 200 years.  Continue.

The federal budget must be balanced as soon as possible.  I propose an immediate freeze on all federal positions (including currently open/unfilled slots) and contract employees.  I also support the reduction and elimination of a number of federal programs to achieve a balanced budget, in addition to selling non-productive government assets.

Ooooooo, he going to sell all the politicians, including the President?

Awesome.

Wonder how much a president is going for these days?  Back in the early days, you could buy one fairly cheap.

A bottle of whiskey and a mule in some cases.

A $1.95 in others.

Matter the presidency.

I support the immediate passage of legislation requiring a balanced budget every year, and that any increase in federal expenditures should be restricted to no more than the annual inflation rate as measured by the CPI plus the percentage increase in population.

I like your 'Selling Politicians for a Better Tomorrow' idea better. 

Mike, Washington is a spending bitch.  No matter the party, or what they say is their stance on this issue, they're going to spend money on things such as bridges to nowhere, pretty undies for their brother, whatever.

It's part of the 'Plan' which was laid down on paper by the original 'Founding Fathers'.

Benjamin Franklin stood on some hill and said to Thomas Jefferson, "Let us buy this piece of land and build a Taco Hut!  And we shall call it Washington DC!"

And Thomas, being the great thinker or something, said, "And we shall go into great debt that future generation will be unable to pay unless they sell their souls to a foreign nation!"

And everyone agreed that was a grand idea.

Also pay raises all around for them, being such grand thinkers or something.

Mike likes to babble, so I won't cut and paste his entire list of issues involving even the economy. 

Basically he says, we should go out and kill Nazi vampires.

WOULD TINK VOTE FOR MIKE:  Nope. Lets move on.

WOULD TINK ENDORSE MIKE FOR A MILLION BUCKS: Hell yeah!!!

http://www.bellisforsenate.com/

WHO IS JOE BELLIS?

There's not much on Joe's website about him. He likes the premise of 'KISS', not the band but 'Keep it simple stupid'.

Though, he might like the band KISS too. 

'Beth' being his favorite song.

But according to his header, he's a Conservative, Constitutionalist, Pro-life, reform party.

He also believes we should bear arms to protect ourselves from the Government.

A Tyrannical Government. 

Those bastards.

I never understood why our government would be afraid of our bare arms, but maybe they were traumatized as a child.  Old Unca James came barreling down the stairs, with his arms bared and was like, "Who goin' to kill you? THE SHADOW CREEPER is. Teeheehee. Tickle tickle!!"

That my friends can scar a child for life.

Moving on.

WHAT ARE JOE'S ISSUES?

He has a lot of them.  I mean,  A LOT OF ISSUES!!! Mostly anger.

"I have held commitment to each of the following principles, values and issues for many years. Long before it was either fashionable or popular.  In 1992, I first suggeted the need for a tea party. In 1998, I used the quote from the movie "Network",

and gave up on the Republican Party as the vehicle of change for our nation. I have been and contiune to be criticized  for this opinion. Even today's tea party movement still holds allegaince to the republican party.  Please read the following statements that I agree with and have committed too. If you agree with me on these statements I would encourage you to stand with me and say:..."

You can go here --> http://www.bellisforsenate.com/issues.html and read the rest of what you need to say. 

If you seen the movie Network, you know the scene, you'll need to rush to your windows, open them up, and scream outside to those who will listen, "I wear short shorts!".

WOULD TINK VOTE FOR JOE:  No. He has too many issues.

WOULD TINK ENDORSE JOE FOR A MILLION BUCKS:  Sure, why not.

http://www.lisaforkansas.com/

WHO IS LISA JOHNSTON?

 At first, I thought her website was lacking the details. For some reason, her menu bar would not load up on my com-pu-ter, so I was just left with a 'Volunteer to Help Lisa' button and a video.

I thought I was going to be left with nothing to report on Lisa and would have to make up 99 percent of her life and stance, instead of just the 90 percent of what I usually do with the other candidates.

Why is she running?

Because she can. 

Well that and she thinks Washington DC needs a tough leader.

One with a riding crop.

And who wears leather laced corsets and calls herself, Lady Kinky Boots.

Is Washington ready for that?

Fucking A.

"Dr. Lisa Johnston has spent the last seventeen years working in higher education teaching and supporting students. For the past seven years she has worked as Assistant Dean for Student Academic Services at Baker University where she both teaches courses and oversees a variety of support services for students. Prior to holding this position she served in a variety of administrative, teaching, and academic support roles at several different universities. She has earned a Ph.D. in Educational Policy and Leadership from the University of Kansas. She also holds Bachelor's and Master's degrees in Psychology from the University of Central Missouri and the University of Kansas."

She can spank those senators who so richly deserve it, just wallop them till they cry and then she can analyse their dreams and tell them, "Yep, you're pyschotic!! Dreaming about your sister like that!"

"But I'm from Kentucky..."

"That's still no excuse!! Naughty boy!!"

"Lisa lives in Overland Park with her husband of eleven years, Kyle, who is the Web and Digital Creative Director for Garmin in Johnson County. Kyle is a lifelong Kansas resident who was born and raised in McPherson. Lisa has lived in the Midwest her entire life and has lived in Kansas for the last thirteen years. She grew up in small towns and rural areas in northern Missouri and southwestern Iowa where she spent time on her grandfather’s family farm. Having lived in all types of communities puts Lisa in a position to better understand the concerns of people throughout the state, which is essential for a statewide office."

Kyle's web menu bar finally loaded up on my computer.  I have to admit, I love reading these 'about'. 

Every candidate should have one, even the reform party candidates.

They should make us think about granddaddy's farm, even if our granddaddy didn't have a farm.

He was a cake baker in Hog Jowel, Oregon, but we still think about his farm. 

That he dreamt about.

And only talked about it once. 

On his death bed.

"Lisa believes that we need more tough-minded, outspoken leaders in Washington who are committed to doing what is best for their state and their nation and who do not just stick to politics as usual. Given her background in higher education and status as a Washington outsider, she hopes to have the opportunity to bring a fresh perspective to Washington."

Ah Lisa, beautiful words.

I imagine you saying them in your green flowery blouse, head held high, a smile of fearsome predatory stance.

And they'll eat you alive in Washington.  Them senators are hungry for fresh meat.

Have fun, if you're elected!

WHAT ARE LISA'S ISSUES?

View her issues here ---> http://www.lisaforkansas.com/issues

I would cut and paste her stances here but for the most part it's the same bullshit these candidates say, "I'm for reducing the budget, creating jobs, making everything peachy keen..." and then we all sigh, nod our heads, wonder why we didn't think of that in the first place.

Damn it, it sounds so simple, could it really be that easy?

Should be, but it isn't.  Politics is a game nobody should play.

Take for example, you have a bill, it seems good, should be good for the country, lots of jobs while protecting companies from dying, etc. etc.

Senator Blowhole steps in, says, 'I'll vote for it, but first you have to put in my pet project of setting up a breeding farm for pigs in my home state of Alabama or Alaska, one of them states with an A in it!'

Soon, the nice bill that should have created jobs ends up weighing 6000 pounds and gets voted down by Senator Dipshit and his followers who say, "It'll hurt America!!" because it has too much pork.

Hello, Senator Dipshit, you added your pork to the mix as well, you moron!!

Stupid bastards.

You all suck walrus penis.

Sorry, Lisa, I went off the tracks in your section.  

WOULD TINK VOTE FOR LISA:  Nada.

WOULD TINK ENDORSE LISA FOR A MILLION BUCKS: Oh yeah!

WOULD TINK LET LISA DESIGN HIM A WARDROBE: Make that hell yea!

http://www.moranforkansas.com/

WHO IS JERRY MORAN?

As all these candidates do, Jerry wants you to join his Facebook page, which I gladly do.

It's nice to have friends.

I can also join Jerry on the Twitter trail, reading such classics as:

"Had a great time meeting voters at all the events this weekend, including Sen. Apple's BBQ in Louisburg. Less than 1 month left until Nov. 2"

I almost feel like I already love Jerry and I haven't even hit the About page yet.

I know, Twitter makes me feel giddy.

By the way, what the hell is Twitter?

I probably should get an account for my senate race too, huh?

"Had great time on the potty, Senator Mitchem sure did like to stand in the bathroom and ask, 'Handjob?'  Wonder what a handjob is?"  Tink4Senate@twitter.com

Jerry has a nice family photo at his about page. Very classy.

 Here's Tink with his aunt and uncle.  Also, very classy.

"Jerry Moran is the leading candidate to become Kansas’ next U.S. Senator. Jerry has spent his life working for commonsense Kansas principles, like reducing the size of government, reducing Washington’s out-of-control spending, lowering your taxes, and preserving Kansas values."

I asked my friends from Kansas what the values were there.  They all answered the same,

'Sex with undercover police officer in Kansas City, very cheap!! Good value!  Also, abandoned dance club with glass dance floor, very nice!'

Yes, I do have a special group of friends. 

I don't think that's the values Jerry is talking about.

"As someone who has lived in Kansas his entire life, Jerry has a unique appreciation for the Kansan way of life and has always put Kansas’ interests ahead of Washington’s pressures. He does this every single weekend, traveling back to his home in Hays where he lives with his wife Robba and two daughters Kelsey and Alex, both Kansas State University students. "

He only masturbates on weekends?

Damn.  Good control.  I usually masturbate on days that end in Y.

KSU sucks though.

Go University of North Dakota!!

You can read the whole thing here ---> http://www.moranforkansas.com/about-jerry

Or just go to Google and type in 'University of North Dakota' and bask in the awesominess which is UND.

I know, sounds like a feminine itch problem.

WHAT ARE JERRY'S ISSUES?

http://www.moranforkansas.com/jerrys-stance-on-the-issues

I'm getting lazy, they're all the same, blah blah blah, fat cats in Washington, ObamaCare is bad, blah blah blah, having sex with your mom, she's a slut, on and on, 99 red balloons...

Jerry also wants to kill the illegals.

Or maybe I'm just getting tired and am confusing which candidate is which. 

After awhile, they all seem the same, they have issues.

Lots and lots of issues.

By the way, if you change one letter in the addy, you could have moronforkansas.com!!!

God bless the USA!!

WOULD TINK VOTE FOR JERRY: No way, letting his daughters go to KSU? Pffffffft.

WOULD TINK ENDORSE JERRY FOR A MILLION BUCKS:  He sure would.  JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

So what does this all mean for the political scene this mid term election?

Probably not much.

The same game will be played, put your dick in the voter's ass, pump till you stop, repeat process.

Kiss hand. Shake baby around re-election time.

Or vice versa.

The one thing we can do as a voter is VOTE!!!

Get out there and vote for Lambert for City Council or Cindy Scmoe for Senate.

Whatever.  

Just vote.

Go out to the polling place, bare your arms, shake your fist, dress up like the Queen of England, whatever.

GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!! 

Unless you're Republican, then stay home.

Haha.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

Even if your candidate loses, you have the right to bitch and moan about the other guy's lousy job as mayor.

Your candidate would have done a whole lot better job.

If you don't vote, you lose that right. 

Sorry, it's in the Constitution or something.

Go Google it.

Good night and have a better tomorrow.