Okay, the other day, I did a profile on Dr. Rand Paul, republican candidate for the senate seat in Kentucky. 

Go ---->RAND PAUL FOR DOG CATCHER <------- here to read it, if you missed it(HI ED I TOR!!!!)

Hundreds of people hit it.

Which around Open equals to about 12 folks with their various alter.egos.

A good hit indeed.

This led me to write about other elections but the format in those were different, I covered all the candidates with equal shoddy reportage of them through their website.

Their own words with some bastardizing by yours truely.

Dr. Paul's opponent never got a in-depth look, as he so richly deserves.

And the Democrats made it known that they noticed, writing me, saying, "You bastard!! You wrote about Paul, but not Conway? WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON, TINK? WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON!!??"

I told Mr. Howard Dean I was on my side but I would correct this little problem, very easily, as I already had Mr. Conway's pics as I was going to do a blog entry on him but instead went off and had some day old bread smothered in a light cheese sauce, all deep fried in butter.

Good for the soul.

Yeah.

But bad for the tummy. 

Stupid tummy aches.

I was reminded of the big race by a spot on the local TV station(HI WAVE 3!!!) that this next Monday at 7pm, Dr. Paul and Secret Agent Conway will debate each other, or do battle with rusty knives, whichever gets the biggest rating hit, on said channel(HI WAVE 3!! Now where's my dollar?).

I might watch it and report back to you, my loyal readers, the fun times that were had.

Or I may forget about it and just get drunk and howl at the moon that night.

At the beginning, Rand, or Dr. R.P. to his friends, had a commanding lead on Conway, but then something happened.

Dr. R.P. opened his mouth and said stuff.   Rule number something in the campaign trail should be 'Never ever open your mouth and speak your mind, especially if you lost it in 1978!'

So as of the last time Tink paid any attention, Conway and Dr. R.P. were neck to neck, almost dead even if you factor in the percentage 'I don't have a clue, can I vote for the dog piddling on the cop over there?' that are still mostly undecided.

http://www.jackconway.org/

First off, I got to admit, Jack is smart, at least in his website url.  A lot of these candidates choose names such as BOBWILLIAMSFORSENATE2010.COM which is nice, until the election is over and now, your sorry ass losing web campaign is litter on the Information Super Highway.

But Jack, he's smart.

If he loses, he can re-use the website name for his next campaign, or, for his personal website where he'll talk about how wonderful his bread pudding with maple raisin sauce is.

Good for you Jack.

WHO IS JACK CONWAY?

Without even looking at his website, I know, by name alone, Jack Conway is a secret agent, a spy, the kind of agent who only has 24 hours to save the world from some dastardly evil foreign government with plans to 'Rulz Ze Vorld!'.

 "Jack Conway can beat a man to death!! Jack Conway is God!" Jack Conway shown here, in a speech giving to the 'Lets Beat The Competition!' rally in Buggletuss, Kentucky.

"Jack Conway will FIST the competition into submission!!"

Jack Conway has a record of getting results for the people of Kentucky. Elected in 2007 as Attorney General, Jack previously served as Deputy Cabinet Secretary and Deputy General Counsel in Governor Paul Patton’s administration from 1996 to 2001.

Damn, I like my storyline better.  Attorney General? What the hell is so exciting about that? Breaking up little old ladies' poker games doesn't sound like fun at all.

Not when there are terrorists with plans to nuke LA with a bomb they stole from the Nuke Depot in Alabama, being transported to GodDamnit, Idaho, and Jack Conway only has twenty four hours before it blows.

Boop. Boop. Boop.

Sorry. 

(NBC, call me, do I have a show for you!)

Jack has always considered the highest duty of a public servant to be protecting those who are unable to protect themselves. Since the voters of Kentucky elected Jack as Attorney General, his office has increased Medicaid recoveries by 600%, taking on pharmaceutical giants and recovering more than $100 million for taxpayers. He has advocated for consumers and saved Kentucky families over $150 million in proposed utility rate increases. Jack has taken on the big oil companies for gas price gouging, and in his first year as Attorney General, increased elder abuse and neglect investigations by 300%.

See, a Republican writer would have cut off this paragraph to just include, '...increased elder abuse and neglect....' and even I, a Communist, had to giggle when I read that without the investigation.

I know, he increased elder abuse by 300%!!! Some elders I know would pay him $$$ to abuse them.

They kinky that way.

Jack is a proud Kentuckian. His father, Tom, was born on a family farm in Western Kentucky’s Union County. He put himself through law school at night at the University of Louisville, while teaching history and coaching at Fairdale High School. Jack’s mother, Barbara grew in up in Louisville’s South End, the daughter of a union blacksmith.

Tink once dated a proud Kentuckian, married her too!! Teeheehee!!

Just don't tell my wife. I'm trying to get my own show on TLC!!

Teeeheeheee!

Jack holds an undergraduate degree in public policy from Duke University and a law degree from The George Washington University. Jack is married to Elizabeth Davenport Conway. They have a daughter, Eva Louise, who celebrated her first birthday on July 21, 2010.

Wifey likes to call Duke, Puke University.  Teeheehee!!

I don't get the joke either.

Them Kentucky Wildcat fans can be stupid sometimes.

WHAT ARE JACK'S ISSUES?

Jack Conway wants to fist you if he's elected senator.

Isn't that great?

No, no, no, that's not his issue.

His issue is he wears his pants too tight.

Haha. Again, just kidding!

Seriously, he doesn't have too many issues listed on his website,

Cutting the deficit --- We'll assume he's for that and he has a plan to do it.  Something about your mom and a Chinese swinging basket.

Small Businesses --- He's for them too, get them some easy access to credit so they can build their world famous porn site.

Protecting Social Security ---  He thinks we should do that.  For ourselves, fuck the child, let them fend for themselves.  Just kidding, he's for killing off the children too, along with the old people.

 And from this picture, I don't think sixtycandles' great aunt Mitilda likes Jack very well. 

"Kill me will you? I KILL YOU!!! With my evil glare!! Die Jack, Die!!"

Jack is all about the abuse of the elder, putting them in homes featured on 60 Minutes.

 Go Google it. 

Wall Street Reform --- He thinks we should shoot Wall Street bankers instead of giving them bailouts, and on that issue alone, I WILL VOTE REPEATLY FOR JACK CONWAY!!!

(For a real look at his stand on the issues, go to http://www.jackconway.org/on-the-issues/  and you can click on each of his issues for a better explanation!)

WOULD TINK VOTE FOR JACK CONWAY:  Nope, he sure wouldn't.  Why not?  Too much violence in his campaign, not enough love and/or chocolate pudding.

WOULD TINK ENDORSE JACK CONWAY FOR A MILLION BUCKS: Yeah, vote for him, even if you live in Montana or Illinois or Kansas, VOTE FOR HIM, AND VOTE OFTEN!!!!!

Okay, on my last article, someone asked 'Why don't you profile yourself, Tink!' and I responded,

'I do that every day!'

The Tink Fan Club(based out of Turtle Creek, Alabama) giggled with delight.

So okay, here it is, the piece you really haven't been waiting for but what the hell, read it anyways...

http://theunemployedprick.cz.cc/

WHO IS TINKERER R. TINK?

Tink was born in the high mountains of Nebraska, along with his sister Collete, and his brother Jasper, to the parents of Hank and Lorraine Milkens, on a cold July day, twenty feet of snow, up to a mule's ass, if the mule was 40 feet tall.

Tink grew up in small towns across America, as his family fled from the cops. 

His father like to bootleg copies of the band Kansas and well, Kansas didn't take it too nicely.

Once Tink got of the age, he went to college,  the University of Bugtussel, in lovely downtown Bugtussel, Kentucky, which is also uptown, and midtown.

Bugtussel is so small that when you drive through it, you're leaving it as well.

That's their official city motto.

That, and if the water is yella, drink it down, if it's brown, toss it out!

After graduating from college with a degree in underwater basket  weaving, Tink knew what he wanted to do with his life.

He wanted to snort cocaine off the belly of a Arabic boy, possibly around 17 or 18.

After doing that, he decided, "Hey, that was lots of fun! Lets do it again!" and for five years, he did it, over and over again.

Soon, though, he knew what he wanted to do, that didn't involve cocaine or an Arabic b0y, and that was to run for senate.

He talked with his wife and ten children, asking the important question,

 "When can I use the bathroom?"

WHAT ARE TINK'S ISSUES?

Do you have to ask?

If you do, go back and look at his blog.

Read it.

Smell it.

Yeah.

Got more issues than a dog has fleas.

Oops, I mean, I HAVE A PLAN TO SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM THERE IS, ELECT ME, AND I WILL SHOW YOU MY PLAN, WHICH INVOLVES STRIPPERS THROWN OUT OF WORK BY LOUISVILLE'S NEWEST, "NO MORE TITTIES IN THE TITTY BARS!! NOR ALCOHOL....10 DOLLAR SODA POPS!!! EEK!!!"

WOULD TINK VOTE FOR TINK: Nope.  He has too many fleas.

WOULD TINK ENDORSE TINK FOR A MILLION DOLLARS: Why not? If Tink can find the million dollars, I'd take it.

Good night and have a better tomorrow.

P.S.Remember, write in Tink in the write-in space on your ballot on November 2nd, 2010, whatever you feel is the best place for Tink.

Dog catcher works.