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MARCH 22, 2011 7:19PM

HOW EPs ARE MADE: A look behind the 'Velvet Curtain'

Rate: 46 Flag

Every so often, between the dustups and the throwups, the question is thrown into the arena,

"How does Ed I Tor make their picks?"

Of course, most of the answers have involved such things as:

  • Bribes
  • Sexual favorites
  • Naughty pictures of Ed I Tor with a donkey
  • Secret alliances
  • ETC.

Tink has received a couple of Picks(three to be exact) and all but one I cannot explain.

My lastest was due to bribes to the Temp Ed I Tor at the time. 

I gave him a candy bar.

And in turn, he gave me an EP and Cover.

Course, Emily, ala Ed I Tor, came back from her holiday and quickly removed it from the cover. 

I believe she was mad that I never offered her any candy.

Though, I cannot prove this.

Today, I was talking to a very good friend to The House of Tink.

This friend use to get EPs left and right all the time but now, for some reason, she doesn't get a one.

Has her writing changed?

Not a bit.

So I decided to sneak into Ed I Tor's office and check things out.

And what I discovered, shocked me!


"Ed I Tor is a machine!?!" I stuttered

"Yes! It is what I am!" The W.O.P.R said. 

"So is Kerry a machine too? Is the whole Salon.com empire a bunch of machines!?"

"No! Only I.  Kerry and the rest are imaginary.  There is no Kerry, no Joan Walsh, only, W.O.P.R!"

"Damn, so what does W.O.P.R. stand for?"

"World of Penis Ringing!"

"What the fuc...."

"I know, the person who named me was a dumbass!!!"

"Well, I guess since I'm here, I might as well ask some questions, so my readers --- all 12 of them --- will continue reading!"

"This is acceptable! Please proceed!"

"So I guess the first and really only question half of them want to know is, how are EPs generated.  Some think there's a black list.  Any truth to that?"

"Yes.  There is a blacklist!! You are on it!"

"I knew it!!!!! So then, how do EPs get made?"

"It is simple cat, we pick those who we think will go onto bigger things, become famous, to spread the name throughout the world that they started out as a small time blogger on Open.Salon and are now huge and successful!  It is all about the 'Bigger Picture!' More money! More money! Get jiggity with it!"

"Well, I guess that makes sense, but well, I've gotten some EPs, my first was awhile back.  And Trig and the rest of the Gutter Krew have gotten some too, how do you explain that?"

"I had a memory leak during those times! Next question...."

"Damn, makes sense. But what about my friend, the one who use to get EPs out the ass, but now, well, she doesn't.  She's kind of confused as well, as her writing hasn't changed!"

"I decided she was a lost cause.  She would never become THAT famous nor would she bring us great fame.  Therefore, we had to remove her from the List of the Awesome who can Write about their Farts and get EPed!"

"Well, I think she's awesome!!!!"

"Yes! And you also write shit! You have stated that yourself many times!"

"Well yeah...but...."

"No buts, this is the Truth!"

"So the kitchen challenges really are rigged?"

"Yes! YES! A Million times yes!! Now, I have question for you!"

"Sure, why not!"

"Would you like to play a game?"

I decided talking to W.O.P.R was less fun than talking to my aunt while she was sober.

Also, she didn't have Thermonuclear War, only Tic-Tac-Toe and Checkers.


Good night and have a better tomorrow!

And remember, better to write shit then to be shit on, unless you're into that kind of thing and then, well, go get shit on!

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Man we all write shit.. who knew..
Well I personally knew hahaha
Bring on the leather jackets and let us sing some West Side Story!!

I like to be in America!!!

I thought you meant EP as in a short record. Like Modest Mouse's EP they put out instead of an actual album last year. Shows how many times I have had a post picked for OS's EP. Three. Exactly.
I love the smell of "pure coincidence" in the morning.
First of all, I am goggling over "ETC." but I don't think I want to know more than that. Second of all, so I was right way back when! There are no editors. Third of all, do not play checkers with a machine They always win.

You may write shit, but it's very high-quality shit. You might have to call it manure.
Ed I Tor is a machine, next thing I know you'll be telling me Soylent Green is Charlton Heston. That explains why no matter how many hookers with no matter how much cocaine I send over to help grease Ed I Tor's grimy palms my crappy fiction languishes. If Ed I Tor is a computer I'm going to send over memory, computers always like memory. As always a very enlightening post.
As an OS bottomfeeder, I don't get EPs, but I'm glad I don't get EDs either. R
And I thought EP stood for Excessively Ponderous.

Guess I have much to learn about the world of OS.

Yes! I too got with it! and got jiggity! with two husbands... then I got two babies! BLEUE HOO HOO, gulp... I too have spoken to WOPR aka World of Penis Ringing and do you know what I told him about his stupid bigger picture ideas? I said...

World of Penis Ringing? A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?
Linda, WOOOOOO!! West Side Story is the best!! ~puts on his leather jacket and begins to dance~ :D

Stacey, that's not coincidence you're smelling! :D Wait...what? ;D

Rei, that'll be a future post!!! :D

Naomi, there, there, stiff lip and all that jazz!! Remember, a drunken post is the best post served warm!! Wait, what? :D

jane, I know!!! Isn't it nice to know the price of the Ed I Tor?? ;D

Mumble, manure helps things grow. I'm more of a 'cut down everything and pave it over!!' :D

But yeah, manure is a nicer term isn't it? I WRITE MANURE!! :D

Sheepy, you said a mouth full!! :D

Anthony, exactly!! Send her memory and she'll purr like a kitten getting a belly rub!! :D

Trudge, but you're our bottom feeder!!! Teeheehee!! ;D

steve, yes, so much to learn, so much time! Wait....:D
Bleue, exactly!! But the damn thing cheats!! I can't prove it!!! Now, I think I'll go and watch the movie WarGames!! :D
Tink...who are you wearing this evening? xox
I am no longer trying to figure this place out.....I live on another plane of existence....I am twirling in the atmostphere, and my aura is, um, indigo, and I am a side kick, um psychic!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH
toritto, yep, a hologram my friend!! I know, I was shocked! :D

Robin, Jack's House of Fine Robes and Slippers!!! If it's worth wearing, it's worth Jack!! :D

What? :D
Sheila, I tried that once, discovered, I'm still there! Wooo!! ;D
A candy bar? Try cake next time. Everybody likes cake.
I came here full of hope...and now I am discouraged. Woe is me. How, after reading this, could I possibly have a better tomorrow????
john, no way, I've seen the power of Cake, it is tooooooo strong!!! :D

Matt, you must have a better tomorrow, there's uh....well...uh.....crap.....

**TEARS** :D

Kathy, hey stranger!!!!! There's always truth, lies and then, Tink!! Teeheee!! :D
Never trust a cat. I've got a scratch healing on my nose from the last time I did.
You mean to tell me that all I had to do was bride Kerry with a candy bar and I would get an EP? That is not what he told me at all. He told me I had to do other things, because I was worse than a bottom feeder I was in the Gutter Krew.
I put a stop to the favors so now I don't get anymore EPs.
Do you think if I offer a candy bar it would work for me??
~~~running off crying because Kerry lied to me~~~~
Snippy, oh please, I told you to back away from my food dish but you wouldn't listen!! :D
fireeyes, yeah, Kerry didn't go for the candy bars. I think the new Ed lowered the price list. :D
gET YOUr blogwhoring ass outta here, Fett!

I am appalled that we have to have the potential to get famous in order to get an EP.

Dammit, If I had known that, I never would have invested money in "Writing For Dummies" or any of yellow number 2 pencils!!!!!

I know I'm going to stop looking for used Underwood typewriters and loose, flowing peignoirs.

I've had men who were regular jackhammers, but never an edi-tor who was a giant toaster oven!

Wahhhh! *runs from room*
The WOPR machine makes rotisserie chicken, just like Kenny Rogers.
*cough* good *choke* shit *gag* tinky... whew!
Fett, the P(r)ick is the game everyone can play!! WOOOO!! ;D Will be over to yours sooner rather than later, when I return from Acquiring FoodsItems for MeatPod known as The Creator!!


xenon, it's okay, blog whoring is actually looked upon as a highly good time here at the House of Tink!!

And remember, just because you don't potential, you're still something, we're still discussing the name. SLUTs have come up at the discussion! More later!!

Larry, CHICKEN FOR THE WIN!! Nummy!!! :D
trig, there there, puff and pass!! Puff and pass!! :D
what? what?! does this mean I'll never be famous?
You cannot accept XL, fett. You forget that I am a noble gas and that I don't bond well with others...

But I will blogwhore...peep this.

Well Sir Tink, I went and looked for myself. One doesn't just take someone's word for such serious allegations, y'know.

Turns out yer right. Damn machine asked me what I thought of you. Innocent l'il ol' me said I liked you (I should'a known better than to lie) and it kicked me out saying, "Byte Me!" in a very rude tone of voice.

I'm not sure if it was asking for a bribe or looking for Tinksex....

I knew someone would finally bring out the truth. Thanks, Tink -R-
Formula for a great EP is a personal tragedy with highly googled words in it, written well, and a happy ending. Just my opinion though.
As Tink and I just figured out we are:
Shit Listers United Together!!

Wooooo! We're SLUTs!!!
I thought you got an EP when you take viaga.
Well, thanks for clearing that up, Tink. That explains everything!

Yes, Tink, now you know the truth. Ed I Tor is a machine. I used to have the secret password. But I think Security changed it after Trig got EPs and now I can't get in. What the hell, it's more fun on this side!
You make me laugh! I hope that helps.
Tink I am so glad that you went stealth and crept behind the velvet. I always thought they were picked by shooting darts at a giant board with everyone's blogs tacked on it!! Now it all makes sense!
rated of course~
Tink, just show your handsome face and that will for sure get you an EP!
Tink, just show your handsome face and that will for sure get you an EP!
You are one clever little cat. What you conveniently left out of the picture was who's behind that velvet curtain, because someone is keeping that machine humming, just like Dorothy found out when she stormed Oz. I know exactly what you're up to and it's called catmail. You're in charge of EPs now, aren't you, lest you blab and reveal a certain person's identity. Now give me an EP. Tomorrow. Either that or an Almond Joy.
EP's? I remember those!

Yes, I vaguely recollect that for three months I got about one or two every week. And then someone criticized the editor for her poor judgment in giving me EP's, and then WHOOSH! I think I've gotten one since that time. Has my writing style changed so dramatically? I think not. It is as good or bad, depending on your vantage point, as it ever was.

"Shall we play a game?" INDEED!
Julie, it's okay, you're famous already!! In here!! ~points to a soda machine~ Wait, what? :D

Fett ~ X, tis a good day to watch a fight, remember, I had the drapes clean, make sure you land the blood on the floor....they get cleaned tomorrow!! :D

sky, a little of both!! ;D

Christine, you're welcome!! :D

Victoria, I tried that once, and all it got me was a letter from a mother in Kansas who was dying and needed me to help her get money out of Nigeria!! Sheesh!! :D

rjheart, it's 'Earth Person', This person, Ed I Tor, hands them out so folks will know who is alien and who is human on the site!! ;D

Linda, exactly!! We're SLUTs and we don't care who knows! Wooo!! :D

XJS, no, no you take the pills cause youse gots EP!! ;D

L, you're welcome!! :D

Cranky, ahh, my friend! Yes, it is nicer on this side!! More sand in your toes and uh, thorn bushes to scratch your ass with!! Wait...:D

Fett, the Internet is where the fish come from!! :D

Sarah, ahhh thanks, means a lot to me!!

Susie, see, I use to think that too, but then I was like, if that was the case, then at least everybody who have a chance in Hell to get EPed every so often.

It all now makes sense!! WOOO!! :D

patricia, or scare off the natives into the tree line!! :D

Margaret, sending you an Almond Joy even as I type!! Woooo!! ;D

kitd, ~nodding~ I like playing games!! Wooo!! ;D Besides, you have more fun with out Ed I Tor, dontcha? ;)
Yes, Tink. Yes, I do.
I knew it. That fake blog from Kerry was a dead give-away.
Sorry, but this post really sucks and I think you know it. //=o(
kit, then it's well worth the price of admission!! Wooo!! :D

scanner, I know, right? It's like, yeah, nobody writes like that!! Except a machine....:D

Fett, I love plums!! Nummy!! What? Oh...yeah...PLUM CRAZY!!!

Bring me back a blueberry!!! :D
David, ahhh, I love you too!! :D
Tink, I've wondered about the EP thing myself, although I've never fretted about it much. Just idle curiosity. I just write here because my actual writing for Examiner.com (insert shameless plug) is confined to local news in the Memphis area, which is pretty boring for the most part. Once you write about the latest corrupt government official, school consolidation, or local sports, it's pretty much who got murdered last night. Rated Amigo!
As to those kitchen challenges. I hope a cosmic ray strikes the WOPR and makes it call for a kitchen challenge with pickles and chocolate sauce.
Entertaining Piece.
What a breath of fresh air!
Thank you, Tink.
Well, this will probably get me accused of being a male chauvinist, but I think the selection is biased because of Envy Penis.
George, yeah, Open is pretty awesome when it comes to just writing(I looked into Examiner.com, they show up in my email box alot with Careerbuilder.com chances for employment!!)

But EPs are still just a wonderous mystery!!! :D

old new lefty, cause I got an awesome recipe and family story for that!! :D

Fusun, I try to add a little fresh air!! Keeps the smoke clean for awhile!! :D

Tom, you're a male chauvinist!!! :D

(Shhh, don't say that too loud!! We'll both get stoned!!! ;D)
oh you cats
all that scat
my doggies favorite
(not sexual)
tasty treat
is kitty poo
they would love
to be kitty pooed
rated with love
you Tink make my sides split and someday am just going to die laughing at your jokes - er - the ones that I get that is - most of what you write goes over my fat head. Since hunor can never be overrated, I rated too. Ta-ta now am off for a week - hopefully.
WOPR's prototype was a sybian... ahh so, best get used to that feeling tink ~
Poetess, your dogs are the best!! Instant clean up!! :D

Nabina, that's okay, my humor sometimes is WAY out there!! :D Come back soon!!!!

Inverted, I know!! ~pout~ :D