THE FIRST POST OF 2012 BY TINKERERTINK69: Notify your neighbors, hide the children, pay the help and make sure they're legal in case you run for mayor or something. 

Image: Tink in nude sketches his sister: 2012 ---  

TYPICAL LIVES OF AVERAGE PEOPLE EXPLORED

By

Doctor Randell S. Schwartz --- He's a real doctor!

CHAPTER ONE

PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET WHILE SHOPPING AT A GROCERY STORE WHILE SHOPPING FOR WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION 

Henry was an average male person of the age of 42 who still lived at home and was between jobs as a male model and dishwasher for the only bar and tuna sandwich delivery in the town of Scuttlebutt.

He liked to write love letters to imaginary people he thought might have lived in Hollywood, California or Duluth, Minnesota.

He would build model rockets in his parent's basement as he drank apple soda bottled in Mexico but sold throughout the world as 'Doctor Andy's Bowel Blockage Medicine'.

He had once gotten an award for his blog on 'alien probe victims and the people who declare them on their taxes as dependents' but that was in 2010, when his blog was 'Highly picked to be gone in 2011' by Ladies' Home Journal.

"They hate me because I tell the truth! The aliens are out there...probing!" he said to his friend, a stuff teddy bear he had named in 1978 as Mr. Puddles.

"Don't ever leave me Mr. Puddles!"

"I won't!" said the bear in some language only audible to Henry and his imaginary girlfriend Matilda.

Susie Clark Anderson was an average female of 22 who wanted to be a male model or a dishwasher for some town's only bar and possibly tuna sandwich delivery.

She had once dated a boy who decided it was better to kill himself then try to live in a world where watching Star Trek was not a sign of being ‘Super-uber-awesome-cool!’

She decided one dead boyfriend haunting her 23 hours a day was enough for her.

And yes, she wondered what he did with that one hour he would disappear only to reappear wearing a sombrero and riding a donkey.

Susie tried to write letters to imaginary lovers who she thought lived in Hollywood, California or Duluth, Minnesota but they all came back, ‘Refused --- Return to Sender’

It had made her sad that her imaginary lovers did not want to receive letters from her.

Very, very sad.

Sad enough to start a blog where she discussed the ritual mating habits of the typical American Red-tailed jackass or Steve, her stuff teddy bear she had since she was one year old.

Steve told her about life.

“Suckers are born to be sucked!”

Susie would nod.

No one else could hear the teddy bear and her parents did not think much of her sitting there nodding at the teddy bear, even as she did it when she 22.

“She’ll grow out of it!” they said to their stuff teddy bears they had since they were one and only they could hear when they said such things as “Don’t you think that’s kind of strange?”

Ian Stinson was a normal sixteen year old boy who would masturbate to the Weather Channel and then write long love letters to imaginary lovers he thought may have lived in Hollywood, California or Fargo, North Dakota.

His parents killed themselves soon after Ian was born for some strange unknown reason.

“That’s one ugly baby!” was supposedly their last words, according to his grandmother, who had raised him the best way she knew how.

“Enemas are good for you!”

And every day, when he awoke, he would get an ice water enema and every night, before he went to bed, he would get a hot sauce enema.

Bedtime was at 4:56 PM and he would awake at 2:34 AM.

“You’re going to be a somebody!” his grandmother would say, right before she shoved hot pins into his eyes.  “Cleanse your soul!”

Ian would become a somebody, a serial killer, who started with his grandmother.