DISCLAIMER: No Tink doesn't believe it's okay to hump an animal outside the bounds of marriage, so you Christian freaks out there just settle down and have a long draw on some cinnamon sticks! Thank you! 

A long time ago, in a far away place known as ButtFalls, Indiana, a co-worker and I were sitting around the old IT office late one night.

I had gotten stuck working a double shift as there was suppose to be some changes in the time and the Big Cheeses wanted two bodies down in the deep, dark and cold confines of the computer room just in case bad things happened.

From out of nowhere, the conversation turned into a discussion of co-worker's life OUTSIDE the box that was known as Lilie's Casino, Whorehouse and DVD Rental shack.

"I like animals!" he said, from where I don't know.

At 3 AM, just the two of us, it was a strange way to start a conversation that should have been like, "Would you like to go and get some breakfast now?"

"That's nice!" was my response.  I was playing Solitaire, the game of bored computer technicians the world over if Need for Speed isn't available.

"No, you don't understand! I REALLY like animals!"

My co-worker, who we will call Haggen but his real name is Andrew Holdenstein, went about his business of cruising naughty sites with 'Goat F*ckers' in the titles.

Yes, he wasn't just messing with me, Haggen loved to 'Hump' the farm animals.

His 'best girl' was a fine looking sheep named Bella.  I'd tell that love story here but that's not what this post is about.

According to a study sent to me by our very own Jane Smithie, having carnal relations with a fine specimen of animal lust may not only be wrong(if such a thing is wrong, I don't want to be right! What?) it could cause cancer, of the peepee!!

EEK!

SEX WITH ANIMALS LINKED TO PENILE CANCER

For many people, bestiality is a bad joke, but for some it could be a matter of life or death, according to a new study finding that men who had sex with animals in their lifetimes were twice as likely to develop cancer of the penis as others.

Life or death?!

My god people, did you read that?

Screw a monkey, twice as likely to develop cancer of the penis!!

And get scratched really bad doing it!

Trust me, I'm not a doctor, but I know these things!

My god, you could go out and screw a transvetite hooker in the ear, and you're less likely to get the penis cancer then if you went to the San Diego Zoo and screwed an elephant in the butt!

Sit there, and think about that, my god, half the southern states will be dying off of penis cancer.

Lonely ranchers in states like Wyoming and Montana will soon be dead too.

All because they decided, "Hey there ain't nobody watching and I really love LuLu!! BAAAAA!! to you as well my love!"

The researchers found no association between penile cancer and the number of animals the men used over time, the species (which included mares, cows, pigs and chickens, among other animals) or the number of other men who also participated. However, the higher rate of reported sexually transmitted diseases in men who had sex with animals could be a result of group sex, said lead author Stênio de Cássio Zequi, a urologist inSão Paulo. More than 30 percent of subjects practiced SWA in groups. 

Wait, group animal sex?

There's some strange mother truckers up in Brazil!  Here in the states, most of us 'Animal lovers' like to keep our affairs of loins of lions a private affair, lots of cooing and such things.

The real fun part of this is, somewhere, some grant was giving out to produce this study. 

Even funnier, some scientists were sitting around one day wondering the secrets of the Universe. 

They could picked anything to study, a cure for cancer, a true cause of global warming(I'm still thinking monkeys farting is causing the biggest percentage! I really should do a study!), etc. etc.

What do this brillant thinkers come up to study?

Does fucking a goat cause penis cancer and if so, does it matter if it's done in a group?

Thirty U.S. states, under their animal cruelty legislation, have enacted laws that prohibit sexual contact between humans and animals, according to Michigan State University College of Law.

Those states to avoid if your love happens to be an animal?

Well, according to Wikipedia(yes, there's an article on there for EVERYTHING!!!):

Zoosexual activity (bestiality) is officially illegal in 32 states. Zoosexual activity is a misdemeanor in the following states:

• Alaska
• Arkansas(what?!)
• California(youse can screw a tree though!!!)
• Florida(Damn!! I thought...well never mind what I thought about Florida!)
• Iowa(damn!!!!! How do the politicians get laid then?)
• Maryland
• Maine
• Minnesota(but there's lakes to you know, wooo!!)
• Missouri(WHAT?!?!)
• Nebraska(Corn fuckers!)
• New York(unless it's a prostitute, then it's okay!!)
• North Dakota(What the hell do they do in the winter?)
• Oregon(though ducks are okay!!)
• Pennsylvania
• Utah (I got nothing. I love Utah!)
• Wisconsin(Jesus Christ, it has SIN right in the name!!!)

Zoosexual activity (bestiality) is a felony in the following states:

This means when asked why you're in prison for, you can proudly say, "I fucked a cockerspaniel and I liked it!"

Of course, the prison tattoo might not be a good idea with that saying, in the Free World, those kind of things are frowned upon.

Go with, "I killed a whole school room full of nuns! AND I LIKED IT!!" Get less stares!

• Arizona(but it's okay to shoot an illegal immigrant!! Hurray!!)
• Delaware(Be aware, sex with sheep get you 10 - 20!! Boo!!!)
• Georgia(Again, then how do they get dates?)
• Idaho(Trust me, in Idaho, you better off having sex with the potatoes than any animals or human beasts!!)
• Illinois(The hell?!)
• Indiana(Oh oh!)
• Massachusetts
• Michigan(No!! Not you Michigan!!!! WEEP!!)
• Mississippi(No, not really! Really? Sheesh!)
• Oklahoma(Boooooo!!!)
• Rhode Island(You can Rhode ya sista, but no Rhode no horse!!! EWWWW!!!)
• South Carolina(No chickens but again, your sister is fine to go!!! What?)
• South Dakota(you bastards!!!!)
• Tennessee (but...but....HOW YOU IMPREGNATE ALL THEM ANIMALS THEN?!?!)
• Virginia (Might be for lovers, but not if your lover is an animal!! WAAAA)
• Washington(The State.  D.C. tis okay to have sex with a politician or an animal!!! Whooo!!!)

The remaining 18 states (and DC) do not have laws prohibiting zoosexual activity. Two states had laws against zoophilia that were declared unconstitutional by state courts and were subsequently invalidated: Montana and North Carolina.[25] In Kansas, a law against zoophilia was repealed.[25] In the District of Columbia, a law against zoophilia (listed under "sodomy") was repealed.[55]

Bestiality is a felony in Puerto Rico[56] and is illegal in the U.S. Virgin Islands.[57]

Unconstitutional?

Damn right, I remember my civics classes, as written in the 999th admendment to the Constitution,

Thomas Jefferson wrote, "It shall be every person's right to fucketh an animal if they so want, completely natural in the course of things, as long as both human and animal constent to such acts, then no law shall be passed hindering the act of animal love..."

So them other 32 states can go fondle their monkeys! Thomas Jefferson said it was okay!!

As long as the monkey agrees to the fondling!

Otherwise, sooooo wrong!

Good night and have a better tomorrow....