Tink note: I originally posted this in 2009, I believe, but with today's changing standards about sex(is it really okay to dress your 4 year old daughter up as a tiara slut? Apparently so!) and unicorns and stuff, I thought, REPOST.REWIND.REMIX was in order.

Enjoy.

Coach explains it all! "An ejaculation!"

I don’t think my parents ever gave me that talk about the birds and the bees aka the sex talk. 

I think they tried before I was thirty, but after thirty, they figured it was probably a lost cause.

My wife thought the same thing as well. 

I think there was an attempt at sex education in my high school days, health class, those were good times.

Ours were thrown in between YOUR LIVER and TAKE A BATH EVERYDAY and both sexes got to watch each others movies.

Sex: Duck and Cover!

I know I have heard that in some worlds and times, that the boys got the YOU ARE BECOMING A MAN with such great lines as “You might notice hair starting to grow in places where hair didn’t use to be!” done by 1950s voice actor MITCH DONALD and boy was he right!

Right there on my toes! 

The girls got something called THE BUTTERFLY.

This one freaked me out the most.

The line “Girls, you’ll soon be transforming into a butterfly!” just gave me nightmares.

Who the hell wanted to be in the throws of passion and your lover transforms into a freaking butterfly?

God, I’d end up squashing and killing my lover and be taken off to prison, cause, really, who is going to believe you killed your lover who just transformed into a butterfly. 

Spending time in the bath tub can be lots of fun!

Again, it’s probably a good thing I don’t have children, because well, again, my parents never did the whole sex talk, except, I did find my dad’s collection of magazines, Hustler and Penthouse giving me my first real glimpse at the female and male nude body and the interaction between the two aka “Look man, they’re doing it!”

Playboy taught me how to hook up my stereo system with the Hi-Fi sound all playboys should have in their homes.

And that even the Playboy models don’t look that good in person.

That’s when a boy learns about airbrushing and in this day and age, Photoshopping!

I still think I take after Larry Flynt more than Hef in my taste for wine from Wal-Mart and my gals, who seemingly also shop at Wal-Mart. 

I am a pervert and freely admit it.

I was born this way, not created by the magazines or movies or websites I later went to. 

There’s nothing wrong in using the whole chicken. 

So I could only imagine if I had children and they came to me asking about, you know, that whole, stick shaft A into slot B.

I mean, I can hardly put one of those pre-fab bookshelves together, I’d probably mess that kid’s mind up before he or she EVER made it to sex education.

I know I perverted my wife, well, at least according to her parents.

So anyways, I thought, just because, I don’t have any children of my own, I would corrupt the world and write this TINK’S BIG BOOK OF SEXUAL ADVICE. 

Someone smart and famous once said, I like sex. 

I know I do.

I could probably be diagnosed by someone with a PhD in back of their name as being a sex addict.

There’s nothing wrong with being addicted to sex as long as you remember, the gerbil doesn’t like being up there. 

I’ve actually had sex which a lot of computer operators even close to my own age cannot say.

I’m not sure why, but computer operators just don’t get to have the opportunities to have sex.

I think it has something to do with the hours we work, at least the ones I know. 

Sex is a natural, fun, and exciting way to exercise, especially, if you get another person involved, though there is nothing wrong with masturbation, it’s how most of us guys lose our virginity, is to our right hand, and how your loveable Tink dated most of his life, with his right hand.

Though, sometimes, he cheated on Righty with her good friend, Lefty.

He felt bad but that only lasted about three seconds, the actual amount of time most men think about NOT cheating on their wife.

I kid, it’s more down to two seconds. 

Of course, this is the same amount of time, most men, including the author of this fine guide on sex, think about other things OTHER than sex. 

Of course, to the world, it’s bad to ACTUALLY cheat on your spousal unit or SO(I’m not sure what that means, but I heard Doctor Drew use it once so decided, why not!?) and therefore you shouldn’t do it.

It’s okay to think about the woman from accounting in a three-way with the other gal from marketing and you, but whatever you do, no matter how seemingly open your wife is, DO NOT MENTION THIS TO HER.

Trust me, being in a coma, no matter how they make it look in those soap operas, is not a fun thing to be in. 

Of course, your wife or girlfriend is probably different and in that case, she’s probably already cheating on you, so she’ll be dumping your ass for being too “vanilla” for her.

Trust me; it happens to the best of us! 

Also, never tell your woman, even if you think it should be a compliment, that her vagina reminds you of a character from Sesame Street.

Again, trust me on this one, no woman wants to hear that her ‘flower’ or ‘butterfly’ looks like Meep.

Again, there are exceptions and if you find that exception, you should probably stop looking for dates at PBS.COM.

Some advice for the ladies, don’t ever tell your man, he has a cute penis. 

You might as well say, he has a tiny dick and knee him in the testicles.

Also, saying his penis looks like a character from Sesame Street is okay, as long as you don’t say, the tiniest character you ever knew, make it a big character, like Big Bird or something. 

Also penises aren’t cute, they’re manly!

Enough said.

Okay, now you got the basics of sex down.

At the very least, you will be able to walk into a sex club in the Orient and be able to talk to a transvestite hooker about Sesame Street and how your sexual organ looks like Meep. 

Now, I’ll give you some terms so that you too can write in depth articles, sellable articles, about SEX ---- DON’T TOUCH IT TOO MUCH, OR YOU’LL GO BLIND!

ORAL SEX --- This is where two people, mostly spousal units, stand on the opposite side of the hallway and scream “F*CK YOU!” at each other.  SEE ALSO HALLWAY SEX.  I kid, sort of.  Oral sex can also mean watching your wife eat an ice cream cone.  Mmmm.

ANAL SEX --- What your boss gives you in lieu of a raise during review time. Also see IRS, TAX TIME.

INTERCOURSE --- Something about golf.  Since I don’t play golf, I don’t know too much about this term.  If you meet a golfer or know one, ask him or her about INTERCOURSE and then pass the information on to me. My wife said she knew about it but not from me. I think she might have been insulting me and my penis, but I’m not sure what my Mr. Happy Man has to do with golf nor did I know that my wife played golf.

FORNICATION --- What the good pastor at the church screams a lot about and seemingly is against.  “There are people who right now, are, fornicating out there, instead of being here in the church!” I sometimes wish I was fornicating instead of being in church.

EJACULATING --- What a pilot does when his plane is going down. My wife is yelling “I wished you go down sometimes on my Sesame Street character!”

GOING DOWN --- SEE EJACULATING OR SESAME STREET CHARACTER.  I have heard that sometimes it helps to be able to breath through your ears. I’m not sure why most people laugh and nod at that but, I do the same, just so I don’t look stupid!

MASTURBATION --- My best friend through my life.  I was once called a Master Debater. I laughed then too.  My mom once told me, if I masturbated too much, I could go blind.  I would have stopped when I had to get glasses, but it seems to have stopped there, so, I guess I’m safe.  I haven’t gotten hairy palms either, I check my plants every day!

POOL BOY --- The boy/guy who keeps showing up at your house at the exact moment every day when you are leaving for work. He says that he’s there to look at your pool, it’d probably be more convincing if you had an actual pool and even then, your wife always greets the pool boy in her best teddy and black stockings,  the one she won’t wear for you but I digress. You think there could be something else going on? Nah.

PIZZA BOY --- Same guy as the pool boy and your wife is allergic to pizza.  Again, probably nothing.

SEXUAL DEVIANT --- What your wife calls you when you finally answer her question, “What are you thinking about?”  It’s also what the divorce lawyer calls you in his opening statement to the judge.  Also, see WHAT THE PASTOR OF YOUR CHURCH CALLS YOU, YOUR THIRD THROUGH TWELFTH GRADE TEACHERS AND OH YEAH, THOSE COLLEGE PROFESSORS CALLED YOU, ETC.

LESBIAN --- FOR THE MALE READERS, what your ex turns into after sleeping with you. Could just be me! I like to believe I’m just that damn good, so she’s now looking for the best in the female world.  Yeah, I say I’m not good at telling lies, but I am!

GAY --- FOR THE FEMALE READERS, what your ex turns into after sleeping with you, just tell yourself, he had the best in the heterosexual world, so now he’s looking for Mr. Right.

MR RIGHT --- He doesn’t exist in the heterosexual world, but I’ve heard he might in the gay world. No, not really. My gay friends lie to me to get me into bed. And I fall for it everytime!

MS RIGHT --- is already with Mr. Right.

FETISH --- some very good cheese.

CONDOMS --- Good for making balloon animals out of or water balloons. 

CYBERSEX ---- Typing naughty stuff in a chat room to a guy pretending to be a hot chick. See also HOW YOUR DAD IS HANDLING RETIREMENT. If you should happen upon HOTCHICK4U tell “her” hello and you’ve read some of his son’s writings. God, I wish I had someone tell me that was dad before I…never mind….moving on!

Yeah, there’s other terms you’ll probably run into, so, when you do, just call up your parents or your pastor and ask them.

That’s how I got most of my definitions above.

"Your mom knows all about blowing goat balls! The secret is to swirl..."

Good night and have a better tomorrow.