As everyone knows, I'm the Pip when it comes to international love stories.
I get them in my email box, all fluttery with the 'Tell me more about you!' and when I do, they usually just skip over my tales to add their own depressing 'My dad is dead!' Blah blah, what the hell?
What about my dad's untimely death at the bull he was trying to inseminate!! God!
Queen Jobe, the newest love interest to Mr. Ed Fartes(there's a princess now trying to get information from Ed, which he sent, in the Internationally accepted ID Card seen below...she called it crab!!! Crab is good right?)
The Internationally accepted ID Card except by Princess Roukia, the bitch called it Crab!!! Seriously! Got all hostile on me, like, COMPLY WITH THE QUESTIONS!!! "Send me a scan of your passport or driver's license!!" Uh, like any government in their right mind is going to give me any of those things!!! Sheesh lady, look at my face, does that look like the face of a driver or pass??? Hell no, that's the face of a super model!!!
I don't think Roukia is a real princess anyways, and told her so in my latest reply. She didn't even send me her 'International Princess Card' so heck, she could be some male scammer in Trenton, New Jersey trying to get my crab!!!
It's a nice crab, I've named him Sam!
I know, I know, you want a Queen, not a princess, and not even a nice princess at that.
So we begin at the second chapter in my relationship, the response to my response.
SUBJECT: My Dearest(I'm guessing she's into that whole S&M thing, awesome, me too...oops, I mean, Me too!!! Teeheehee!!)
FROM: YOUR QUEEN
How are you today?, my name is queen Jobe.
I am 24 years old girl 5'8 "tall from Gambia in West Africa.
I am presently residing in the refugee camp here in Dakar Senegal with my younger brother Kumba as a result of the political crisis which happened in our country that lead to a (10) ten years imprisonment of my beloved father Baba Jobe
My father Baba Jobe is the chairman of the leading party (APRC) of the president Dr. Alh.A.J.J Jammeh of the republic of Gambia, West Africa.
I and my younger brother are the only surviving soul of my imprisonment father. We managed to make my way to a nearby country Senegal where we are now living as refugees in order to secure our life since we don't have any other alternative.
Please i will like to know more about you, your likes and dislikes and what you are doing presently for a living now. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail.
Attached here is me and my brothers picture.
Waiting for your reply as soon as possible.
Your Love q
Unlike the "princess" Queen wants to know more about me before stumbling through a poorly written script.
I tug at the bait, slightly, not wanting to scare off my true love(my male love, John, seemingly has lost his email addy to those cursed deleters!! WAAAAA!!! I really thought we had something going there!!)
SUBJECT: I LIKE BIG BUTTS (Not really, I just hit reply but well...)
FROM: BIG BUTT LOVER 89
I am doin' fine, thanks for asking.
I am 40 years old man 6'2 tall from Muskinass, Alabama where I inseminate bulls for a living. It's a nice job, keeps me slim and fit as I must be able to run really fast in my profession.
My daddy was killed by my greedy sonsubabitch uncle cause he wanted all my daddy's money but daddy weren't no fool, he puts it into a bank where no one could get access to it till I turned 59 or found a woman to inseminate with and bear a child to name Clitus, which was my daddy's name.
I keep hoping to find that woman soon as that money, 38.5 million dollars, would sure help me out to go back to school to become a nurse or something, my dream is to sing at Radio City Music Hall in New York City.
Thank you for replying, I likes to read emails. Winter time is slow for bull inseminating,
I know, sad story indeed, and you would think Queen would jump at a chance for all that money, maybe she fears child birth or that our children will come out looking like mutant flies or something.
She replies quickly.
SUBJECT: RE: darling i need your assistance with love and confidence
FROM: YOUR QUEEN BEE
I think we do well, they are more than happy to respond. mine is a little 'hot here in Dakar Senegal. It's like living in prison, I hope, by God's grace, we will be gone soon. I do not have the whole family, now I can go, one only now Rev.John Mark is the pastor here (Christ for all Churches) in the field. It is very good for us since our arrival here, but we do not live with him, however, leave the hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men and one for women.
Pastors Tel number(+221.774-371-504). If you call, say you want to talk to Mrs. laurita Jobe he will send for me in the inn. As a refugee here, we do not have any right or privilege to any thing is the money or whatever because it is against the law of that country.
I speak English and have a certificate in general nursing school in Baku, Gambia institutional planning. I am the only daughter of the president of the largest party Baba Jobe (APR) Alh.AJJ Dr Jammeh President of the Republic of Gambia, West Africa, with the hope that you have read / heard on CNN, President Yahya Jammeh has organized a lead sentences The Special Commission, Judge Paul A. and my father was his best friend (Baba Jobe Joof) 10 years in prison for the last five years, the mile two prisons, the capital of Banjul, Gambia. The Commission and the President leveled a charge against my father for embezzlement of funds by the Government of Gambia (equivalent to 30 million Dallas About $ 15 million (15 million U.S. dollars) .. It is not true, because the their is no evidence against him. African presidents and celebrities are friends of my father and many other top business people in Africa and Mohamed Grems Benco
West Africa (PLC) is Gambia with the money to pay the amount the government says my father, all his efforts to liberate my father was in vain, because he had been told by the president of our country, the Gambia to prevent the case so that coordinates with the nation of U.S. and UN have taken all the wealth of my father of all our homes, cars, etc.
Please listen to this, was again four months ago I visited my father in prison, so he told me about a bad dream he had in his life in prison. It is also considered a secret to me our last hope (6,700,000) $ 6,700,000, which he deposited in a bank in Europe, he used the name of my younger brother Kumba as the next of kin, for security reasons. He asked me to leave our country, the Gambia with my younger brother with the necessary documentation, as my mother, Mrs. Ida Jobe died after suffering from high blood pressure, 06 February 2006 and left only me and my Kumba brother less. I decided to run to the refugee camp here in Dakar Senegal where I am presently seeking asylum under the United Nations Commission for Refugees Kumba with my younger brother.
I would like to contact you personally for a long term relationship which can lead to a better place in the future if we can collect the same order of truth with confidence and sincerity. My father taught me how to recover the money he deposited in Standard Chartered Bank in London (SCB) of the bank, seeking a foreign partner abroad, that m 'and help my brother to transfer money to your account in our name the person who will help us invest the money in a well at home or outside your country. Finally the person who will take care of me and my younger brother Kumba.
My love, I accept it as my father and all I have in life. I sincerely ask for your help to get money from the bank. Its advantage for us is 20% of the total, while 10% will be used for the overthrow of all expenses incurred during the transfer of money into your nominated bank account in your country on our behalf, then you are going to help you invest remaining 70% is. I contacted the bank the money and told me to find a good man and manager, to be held in our favor as a friend and administrator to transfer the money because he was instructed by my father for the issuance of money.
I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person who knows is the Reverend because he is like a father to me. In the light of your brand, I like you to keep it to yourself and not tell anyone because I'm afraid of losing my life, my brother's son and the money if people gets to know.
Remember that I give you this information because I trust you, because I like to call me like I said, I attribute to say.
Have a nice day and think of me, please, I'm waiting to hear from you soon
Your love Queen
Oops, I may have lost track of the story as I assumed her daddy was killed, but he's actually in prison.
Oh well, who cares?
FROM: YOU KNOW WHO
SUBJECT: MY ASSHOLE ITCHES
I am so sorry hearing your sad tale, after reading it, I tried calling the number you gave me and a woman named Tilda Anderson answered, she was a mean un, let me tell you! She started screaming at me, that if I ever talked to you again to tell you to stop giving out that number as that ain't no Rev. John Mark's number that it's Tilda Anderson and if she ever finds you, she gonna rip your vagina out and shove it up your butt!!
That doesn't sound too good, no siree my queen!!
I checked the number and made sure I dialed it correctly but it was right.
I looked up on the Internet for Rev. John Mark and discovered a number and dialed it. He was like, "Hello!" and I was like "Hello! My name is Ed Fartes..." and before I could say anything he said, "...and you want to talk to Laurita dontcha?"
"Yes sir!" I responded and then I heard the sigh.
"I'm sorry Ed, Laurita died last night, horrible, the same gang that killed her entire family, killed her too. Her brother, whom you call Sam, escaped into the night. It was horrible, just horrible, last night, I decided there was no God and I have denounced my Fathership, I would now be called Sandy Buttz and will move to England to start my life as writer of erotic fiction starring bull mooses!"
"There has to be a mistake!!! I just talked to her in email...."
Then I heard the gun fire, screams, then nothing. A man with a deep voice came on the phone. "Everybody's dead!! Tell us the bank numbers and contacts!!"
I quickly hung up the phone and ran fleeing into the night to the police station!
"Rebels have killed my girlfriend and her reverend!!" I told the night watch.
He began writing my tale down. "....Queen Jobe was her name?"
"Yeah, well no, that was her online name, her real name was Laurita Jobes!"
"Mmm,okay, and she was in a refugee camp overseas, and then the reverend fellow who was helping her was murdered too, while you were talking on the phone?"
"Yes! Yes!" I said, breathlessly.
"Sir, have you been drinking? Taking any drugs?"
So, I guess now, I'm writing to a dead woman, my love, last breath gone from her sweet sweet lips, before I could kissy kissy!! I shall now go into my bedroom, to weep, perchance to cry,
Your love, 4-ever,
~Weep~ I feel so lonely now, Queen is dead, Princess is mad at me, and John, apparently dead too.
But Wu from China U seemingly says I've won the Turkish Lottery. I told him no thanks, spend it on some nice girl from Guam, buy her some pretty beaded in the crotch panties and give her some loving down there.
And then reported him as a phishing scheme.
I so love The Internet, without it, I could get such lovely responses like:
Date: Sat, 14 Jan 2012 20:40:08 +0100
Subject: Thank you.
With all due respect Mr. Fartes, kindly advice to re-read my below message and comply accordingly and more so, what I requested was a scan copy of your international passport or driver's license and not some kind of crab.
Princess Roukia Sawadaogo.
Which I respond as such ---
What I sent is an Internationally accepted ID, way better than a passport or driver's license, and I didn't send you crab, not yet anyways.
Now with all due respect, Princess*(but I'm highly doubting that at this time as you have yet to send me the internationally accepted Princess ID!!! For all I know you could be some scammer in New Jersey trying to get my crabs!!!!) kindly re-read my below message and comply accordingly!!
Seriously, isn't Princess Roukia some Anime character???
I got a Queen!!
His name is Steve in the RealWorld!!
Good night and have a better tomorrow....