You just got home, hard night inseminating bulls.
You barely get through the door, pigeons have broken into your apartment and stole your last wine cooler.
You haven't even had a chance to get out of your pantyhose (nothing says professional bull inseminator like a great pair of L'eggs!) when the phone rings.
Your mom wants to come over and have a gab session(like why haven't you giving her any grandchildren. Could it be the fact you have no boyfriend let alone a hubby? And her reply is "So? That didn't stop my friend's daughter from giving her some grandchildren!") and the hell, your furniture is dusty and you didn't get to the store for some food, so all you have is a can of Spam(tm), what are you going to do?
Your cat is too busy picking out new carpet for his 'summer home in the Hamptons' to help you out.
And apparently, your 'maid' was just your imaginary friend from your childhood(which lasted up until last week when you finally got some "help" for your "issues")
So what are you going to do?
Welp, with a little help from your friendly neighborhood Google, you'll not only have dusted furniture, but you'll have a meal fit for a king, and you're wearing part of the equation on your legs right now!
(And if you do have cream cheese on your crotch, you have an appetizer as well! Just steal some crackers from your neighbor! They keep their doors unlocked for just such an emergency!)
=== PANTYHOSE AND SPAM ===
A meal and dusted furniture? HOW CAN THIS BE!?
Step one: Open your can of Spam. MMMMMM....Spam!
Step two: It's all about the Goop, so rub that Spam loaf all over your furniture, your furniture will thank you for it.
Rub some of that Spam all over your neighbor's furniture too! Teach them to leave their doors unlocked so their cousin can feed their cat!
Step three: Buff the furniture with your pantyhose. You might want to take them off before doing this but hey, if that floats your boat, don't!
Now you're thinking, "But Handy Homemaker Tink, you said, I could have a meal too! How can this be?"
Step four: Dust off the Spam and heat it up in the Microwave. If you don't have a Microwave(cause the roving gang of wolverines stole it!), place it in your arm pit, and hold it there till your body warms it up!
If you don't have time to dust it off and heat it up, go back to your neighbor's place and steal another can of Spam and plop on plate.
Either way, enjoy.
According to the Expert at Green My Ass, the Spam cleaned furniture, when dry, will not smell.
And your mom?
She still insists you give her some grandchildren.
Next time, we'll tell you how you can get your mom some grandchildren.
It will involve breaking into your neighbor's place and just stealing their kid(who happens to be 19! Okay, you may have to go down a floor and steal their kid --- she's 16 months!) and tell your mom, "Uh, his father is Asian, they advanced more quickly than regular babies!!"
She'll believe you.
Your mom is insane.
Tink Notes: This post was inspired by a good friend (HI DONKEYLUBER69!!) to the House of Tink over at Facebook, where all the great posts usually are inspired!
If it wasn't for the Orphans, I think I would quit Open and start my own pizzeria!
Pictures were stolen from PantyHoseandSpamLoverscombined.com except the picture of your mom trying to give her imaginary grandchild a ball.
That was acquired by StatesEvidence.com.
If you want more ideas about how to use Spam and Pantyhose together, just search for "your mom" at Google.
Seriously.
She's famous!
Good night and have a better tomorrow...
Tink's "sons" home for the holidays!
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Comments
Be nice now and remember the old adage you learned in Sunday School.... No, Tink, not the one that says "Incest Is Best"; the other one......!
.
Once folks read this tip, Spam will be like gold...
r.
The day is just beginning but by tonight I will have had some sort of real life encounter with the following: a cat, sunglasses, SPAM, pantyhose and an employee at a stud farm.
And, I thank you sir!
Your cat is too busy picking out new carpet for his 'summer home in the Hamptons' to help you out.
now that Tink had me thinking hahahah
HUGGGGGGGGGG
I can't believe you went ahead with this.
Yes I can...
Them sons are blinding me.....
bears an incredible resemblance to me. Except
I am no longer growing the facial hair. Clean cut kid, me, now.
Some people, very ignorant people, say there is not a God.
I say to them: look at that first picture, of the nice gal
in her grown up clothes. There is no way those
legs are descended from monkey legs.
I mean, have you seen monkey legs?
I would like to take a measure of
her inseam. I think is is a mile!
.
Good. Grief! Now with my former neighbors who lived upstairs in my last building who constantly left their door unlocked, I used to visit my good friend Alphonse there, drop off groceries and cook for him and all his friends during the holiday break at my university. I just had dinner with Alphonse last night and he asked me to visit again and said that all his friends really miss me.
That's understandable since I cleaned his entire apartment, except the two bathrooms. I had to draw the line somewhere.
I will never forget the first time I walked in to his living room and saw the mess everywhere. He has three roommates--Justin, Justin and Harry who hardly ever clean a single thing.
Alphonse was way too busy last semester to clean up after the three of them, but since my friend let me use his laptop during the break when all the university buildings were locked up tighter than a drum, I scrubbed for days and cleaned up the mess in his apartment.
Alphonse was so happy about that and all his friends, the international students we know, are so pleased because they can actually walk around and even sit down in the living room now, and there aren't all those health code violations all over the kitchen.
Alphonse said it looks like home now.
I guess that's just one of those things that can happen when you leave your door unlocked and you have someone like me for a neighbor.
In an Italian home, like mine, we cleaned and kept house ourselves. My grandmother only would have allowed someone else to clean the house over her dead body. It wasn't until after my mother died that my father had someone come to the house to clean once a week because the woman he was dating then (the woman who turned out to be his second wife) insisted on it.
I am one of those people like my grandmother who thinks it's important to clean up your own mess.
You know what I mean?
XOXOXO
P.S. Please send my best regards to your lovely wife.
Frank, I know, right? :D
phyllis, yes you can!! ~:D
Jonathan, for a nice Spam made like mama use to make :D!! Speaking of that, Happy Belated Birthday!!!
mhold, and that's the reason I keep writing!! ~:D
Gerald, ~nodding~ Memories, aren't they great at rehab? Mine sure are!! I won BEST BREAKTHROUGH last week!! ~weeping~ Cousin Frank coming out of the closet on Easter was the best day ever!! ~:D
mical, ~nodding~ Today's lunch involves some noodles in a cup with flavoring package, no spam today!! :( :D
Linda, got me thinking too, why doesn't that cat invite me to his place in the Hamptons!! ~:D
Natalie, I know it was, and now ZE VORLD KNOWS YOUR FACEBOOK NAME!! :D
Mission, they my pride and joy!! :D
Walter, exactly!! Christmas 2012 is going to be the best, just right after the end of the world!! MMmmhmmm!! ~:D
Stim, I think you did it correctly!!!!! Now eat the pigs when they get in closer! Wait, what? :D
Firechick, I know, right? I got some pretty handsome sons don't I? Take after their mother!! ~:D
zuma, you could ask!! :D
James, I know, right? :D Damn nice legs. Monkeys have some nice legs too, if you're a monkey too!! ~:D
Erica, if you need carpet picked out, cats are the best!! Well, except for me, I went with orange shag in 1999. Sheesh. Nobody ever heard of RETRO? :D
sky, I know I can get it cheaper than the generic canned meat product and the generic stuff doesn't dust my furniture that well, melts it, so...:D
Damn, Canada sounds expensive!! ~:D
cc, you welcome!! ~:D
Diary, you can come over and clean my house anytime you want(I already cleaned the bathrooms!!! :D) ;)