AS BOYS GROW (1957): As I call it, 'Coach Explains it All' a trip back into time when HERE'S THE PENIS was just a way to say 'Hello!' and Tink wasn't even a cum stain on the bed sheets yet!

When I was growing up, way back when before the dinosaurs ruled the earth, our coach didn't pull out charts as if by magic, or the very least that he carried charts of the reproductive system of the male and female bodies where ever he went, just in case someone did ask him about, you know, sex!

Our coach was an old military man, possibly the War of 1812 or before then even, who was waiting for the embrace of sweet, sweet death.

Coach, or Mr. Stephenson when he wasn't in his grey sweats, which he seemingly wore everyday even when he wasn't in school, was 'mandated' by the school board of Tuskybutt Falls to 'inform' us of our 'budding' into 'sexual beasts who will destroy their parents' hopes and dreams for the future'.

Sex education as it was meant to be.

The word was so dirty, Coach would stop before saying it each time, just trying to get it out before it soiled his mouth.

"We will be talking about...sex..."

"What's that coach? Text?"

"No, we will be talking about...you heard me...smart ass!"

Our coach never had little sit down gab sessions on general topics let alone pulled out diagrams of a male's penis and screamed, "HERE'S THE PENIS!"

If Coach had, we probably wouldn't have sat there calmly and wide eyed.

And I'm fairly sure me and my buddy Billy Morris, wouldn't have had the below conversation afterwards in the ball park.

“Say, you know something?”
“No, what?”
“I had a wet dream last night.”
“Wet dream? What’s that?”
“Oh, you know, when sperm comes out of your penis.”
“Sperm?”
“Yeah. Sort of a sticky stuff….”

(As stolen from HERE)

Our conversation would have been more like:

"Say, you know something!"

"No what?"

"I fucked your sister last night!"

"Yeah? Was she any good?"

"No, not really..."

Laughs inserted because we had just learned the term 'fuck' from watching his sister masturbate to a Sears catalog.

We learned more from the Sears catalog than we ever did from Coach when it came to sex.

Though we did learn that communal showers were a time to wash quickly and don't look at others.

And if you do drop the soap, don't bend over to pick it up.

"Are you a homosexual?" Coach would scream at the boys who had an apprehension to disrobing and wandering into the showers with the others.

"Are you?" in reply would get you not only detention but many more laps up and down the bleacher's steps.

God them steps, damn them to Hell!

At that point in my life, I realized I liked girls, for whatever reason, I didn't know why, but I knew I wanted to see what the magic was below the belt, so to speak.

One day as I stood in line to get my carton of milk and a peanut butter sandwich from the lunch lady(God, the lunch lady, she was magical, a peanut butter sandwich you'd swear was made by God just for you, delicious was too small of tribute to this sandwich but back to sex talk at 4:30 in the afternoon on Open.Salon!) when Margie came up behind me and said, "For a dollar, I'll show you mine!"

"Your what?"

Yes, I was dumb and still am! Teeheehee!

"You know!"

I think I knew.  But then, maybe I didn't.

"Meet me out at the play field after school!"

So, there I was, with Margie.

I was going to see her...down there...sex education as Coach would have explained it if he had had Margie as his teaching aide!

The dollar was exchanged.   And she began to slip her panties down from underneath her little skirt.

And then, from somewhere, a voice.

Reverend Johnson from the church next to the school.

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING THERE!? STOP IT!!! JESUS OH GOD, STOP IT!!!"

We ran, me in one direction, she in another.

"YOU KIDS ARE GOING TO BURN IN HELL IF YOU CONTINUE DOWN THAT ROAD TO SIN..."

How I ran, fast as I could.  I made it down a street, around a corner, almost to the arcade before I stopped.

And that was when I realized, "Hey! I lost my dollar!"

Next time, on SEX ON OPEN.SALON AT 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON EASTERN TIME, I'll tell you about how I lost my virginity to my right hand.

Good night and have a better tomorrow!