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Smell my Paws! Does that smell like poo to you? Writer? No way! I'm a guy with a cat who knows my passwords and likes to blog!! What? Oops, I mean, I'm a cat who likes to blog. Smell my paws!!! French prostitutes? Only on Tuesdays!! Lets cuddle!!


Tinkerertink69's Links

MARCH 27, 2012 4:10AM


Rate: 27 Flag

I'm not sure I want to post what I was going to post, a repost, from awhile back, but still, would it be worth the time?

It seems the hamsters who make the wheels spin around here are out boozing with the guys from Microsoft and I think Ed I Tor has been kidnapped or sold off to Huffington Post for a $1.95 and some old bagels.

Seriously, where's the Open Calls so Tink can be ignored in earnest and not just by sure will?

And for that matter, where the hell is Will? I miss him!

I mean seriously, if the job of Ed I Tor is just to change the cover from Depressing to Even More Depressing, I can do that!

Watch this:

"My womb imploded at the mere mention of Rick Santorum and I curled into a fetal position and wept for hours at the thought of my undies being balled up into my ass, even a lotus position later on at the YWCA would not help to forget that.

The ember of the burnt trees still glowed with Hell's eyes as I skied through the mountains, trying to forget my love affair with some fellow named Andrew or was it Steve? Who remembers these things.

Four days later, I stood in the cabin with a bowl full of honey on the table and a headless squirrel in my hands... "


I'm ready for the Cover! Put me in coach!


Ah well, here ya go, I wrote this piece a few years ago, posted somewhere else but I decided to re-post it as my 'Lifetime Movie' is still in the works.





I stood in the darkness, near the edge of the moonlight, staring out from the under growth of the forest.

A feast walked by, some would call her beautiful.

And in my days as a human, I would have too. 

Her eyes were green, like that of the far deep emerald oceans of my homelands.  Her blonde hair rolled down the side of her face, touching and glancing off her pale white skin.

Here I was, this hideous beast, ready for my next meal. 

Her smell of lilacs drifted on the air, into my nostrils. I felt the saliva beginning to roll down from my mouth. 

She stopped, looked around, she probably could sense her own demise, from my fangs, her life blood would be drained.

I stopped, that last second, from jumping from my hiding spot.

I didn't know why, my body wanted to, wanted to spring upon her, feast on her delicate flesh and drink of her blood like it was the finest wine I had ever had. 

But there I was, stopping.

Aye, my dear reader, I was hungry beyond the Gods' for I hadn't eaten for past the several weeks, as the king had put to his forest that no man, woman or child shall enter this cursed place due to some demon feasting upon the citizens of the land.

The nerve of this demon, I thought the first time I had read the notice posted on a tree near my lair, encroaching in on my terrority.

And then I was to discover that these men, these mortals, were calling me, Bshala, first of the kingdom of Talance, bearer of the seven seals, a hero of my own land, these peons, these, shall I burn my last unsinful act and call them asses, were calling I, a demon?

Such disrespect for their protector, a protector who had been a faithful guardian for more years than I could remember.

I pulled myself back into the shrubbery and pouted.

I could be eating a fine feast of possible virgin flesh but nay, I was lying on my belly, my head placed in my front legs, and I closed my eyes and slept. 

I didn't dream like most of the wolflings did, or so I was told.

I dreamt of my previous life, in my homeland.

There was my wife, lovely as always, a blue ribbon tied into her hair, to keep the weave of it tight.

She waved at me, our small child, Aeregan, stood by her side.

He waved as well.

I waved back, smiling, I wanted to run to them, hold them in my arms, aye, my arms, like they were before the transformation.

I couldn't run, nor even move. I just stood there, looking at them, waving, smiling.

And then I heard the hoofs of  ten or more horses, moving to the side of me. 

Each horse carried its own knight who brandished a weapon of their choice, a sword, a lance, whatever they could carry and kill with.

I watched in horror as one knight, wearing the armor of the Darkness ruler, Lord Haston, shoved his lance cleanly through my wife, her eyes went wide and then closed, one last gasp of air, a death cry, then she was gone, to join Mother Goddess Aeras in the after world.

Another knight, with his sword, severed off my son's head and held it high, he chuckled, like a small school child would playing with a toy.

I jumped from the images and awoke, my heart was beating fast, hard, almost exploding from my chest.

I eyed the darkness, growled a low rumbing growl and pushed my ears down low to my head.

I could hear the hoof beats of horses, somewhere, out there, then the loud grunts of lowly humans, possibly searching for the young lady.

"Darlene!" one of the men yelled out, I could see their forms beginning to approach clearly.

I could smell their scents, mostly a mix of bad booze and the hint of rosemary, possibly their attempt at sprucing themselves for this day, searching out the fair maiden.

"Father! I'm here!" the lady shouted in return.

She stood near the bushes of my lair, I still wanted to jump out, and grasp her by the throat, drag her into the underbrush.

The men would be unable to stop me quickly enough and I would have a meal.

I still couldn't.

I felt my muscle tighten, wanting to spring but I did not. I laid there, almost dozing off into another restless slumber.

"Why, my silly daughter, did you go out here, into forbidden land?" The man in the front said, dismounting his horse and hugging the girl tightly.

I smelled his kind before, noblemen from the king's court, specifically a sheriff if I wasn't mistaken.

The others smelled of shoe merchants and possibly a fish monger in the crew. 

I slinked back as far as I could into the shrubbery.

I smelled the scent of a wolf killer, a hunter to the human race. 

These men of 'honor' hunted my kind, in sport.

And here one sat not but a jump spring from me.

I could easily have my feast and this time there was no stopping.

I sprang forward, I heard the lady gasp, her father pushed her back and drew his sword.

I was still in the air, then I felt my teeth grasp the hunter's throat.

He tried to pull his own sword, but I was too fast, a perfect machine, if I had to say so myself.

I felt his blood burst out from my fangs meeting his skin, I tasted the flow of his life on my tongue.

I would feast this night.

It would not be of a virgin but the hunter's flesh was as good or better than some knights I had tasted.

I made it in good time, even with the almost dead hunter's body dragging underneath me.

He gasped a few times as I jumped over a dead tree blocking the path.

I could hear the others trying to follow me, to free their comrade, but it was too late, I was in my farthest lair and took my bite into the still warm flesh and ripped some off and devoured it.

I could see the forms of the men pushing through the brush, swords drawn. 

I smiled a little, some blood rolling from my mouth and falling to the ground. 

I ate, till my belly was about to burst, and then I ate some more. And after I was finished, I curled up into a tight ball of fur and drifted off to sleep.

The dreams came, as they always did.

I was in the village of Marlotown, a fair ten day travel  from my original hometown.

A man stood in front of a mirror, trying on hats, tall ones, short ones, variety of hats.

I recognized the face as being me, in my previous life.

Another man approached.

I could see something in his hand, a dagger of some sort.

He walked up behind me and pushed the dagger to my back. "One false step and I shall kill you!" he whispered into my ear. 

I awoke before the dream could finish, I heard the sounds of silence, too silent for a night such as tonight.

There were a few manko birds feeding off the tossed bits and pieces of my dinner but there was also a sound, slight, almost not noticeable by regular ears but mine, they were warning me, the knights were moving, for revenge.

I growled slightly and the birds scattered, they knew this wasn't the place to be but also that soon, there would be more deaths, more food than any of the birds could possibly eat in one lifetime, let alone one day.

I spotted the first knight, to my left.

He was a good tall fellow and by the look of his face, barely old enough to be a scribe, let alone a king's guard.

He shouted to the rest, "I've found its trail!"

My eyes grew to slits, targeting him.

I moved out of my lair and into the night air. 

 I sniffed once, for a count, more than the scent.

I could smell four of them, possibly five.

I moved quietly through the under brush, and then stopped, listened. 

"Watch yourself my friend, " another knight, older than the rest by my senses, yelled back from farther away and covered from sight with the trees.  "This wolfling is a fast and deadly killer!"

I smiled, as closely as any wolfling could actually smile.

The man knew to respect my deadliness.

I stalked closer to the youngest one, his sword swoshed over my head as he cut the high grass in front of him.

I was close enough to kill him but I didn't, I move farther to the side of him and watched his movement through the grass.

"Crass! Crass! Watch where you fly that sword! You almost hit me!" one of the other knights yelled at the young man. 

He sighed, deep, sadly. 

His name triggered a image to pop into my mind, I as a young soldier in the king's army, another young man next to me, same garb as mine, only dirtier and more tossled.

"The Order Guardian will surely have your head for the way your shirt looks!"

He sighed, almost cried. "I know! I know. My mother tried to wash it, which made it worse!"

He looked down at the ground, shuffled his feet.

I smiled and threw him a shirt, cleaned and pressed and he smiled as well and put it on.

"You know we're going off to war, with the dogs Ravensquires!" I could hear the young fellow speaking as he put on the shirt. "We shall destroy them!"

I nodded. Smiled. 

Then as if by the commands of the Gods, I was back in the present, watching these men search for me, or at the very least the remains of the killed hunter.

They found neither and I could sense them moving away from me.

 The youngest trailed behind and it would have been so easy to remove him from the life pool but I moved in the opposite direction and made it back to my lair, to fall asleep into a dreamless sleep.

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Hell! You think you've got problems! You didn't even stop by to comment on my latest post!
lefty, I hadn't? I should recitify that or something!! ~:D
This had better have more parts to come Mr. Writertink........!

sky, so far I got eight chapters typed up. ~nodding~ :)
You must be a nicer cat?
Tell editor a lil' black lie.
Wear yellow/pink bow tie.
"You sure have cute ankles."
You have to compliment.
Be nice in compliments.
It may work. Purr more.
No one is perfect. None.
Ay Kerry Cute Tummy.
I want to know more! What's the deal with the knife in the back, for example. Really good story.

As to Ed I Tor, shouldn't Emily be having kittens soon?
Art, I tried purring but she hit me with a broom! Purring in human must mean, "Hit me repeatly with a broom!! " :(

phyllis, I got some more chapters on the ole computer(I started writing this YEARS ago! And just re-stumbled on it!! :D)

And, you might be right on the babies!! I forgot!! ~runs to find out~

Tink, the rest please......
Love among the beasties is one of my favorite topics. You do this well.
Want Depressing?
Cranky kidnapped Editor and is holding out in the Adirondaks demanding new, LL Bean Adirondak Chairs in Blue and Pink, whichever way the spawn decides to become.

You have my attention! I would love to see more and found all though I am at work and should be working I sat and read the entire story. I would love to see where this leads...
Nice writing Tink. But then everybody on OS but Ed I Tor knows you know your way around a keyboard. Are you sure you don’t have a wolf pelt laying around somewhere that was given to you by the tall dark man?
I had no idea!! Here I thought you were just some cantankerous old alley cat and underneath all that snarky charm beats the heart of a romance writer.
You know I never thought of that.. maybe they don't want us challenged anymore? Maybe we are already too challenged as it is.
Would you like some peanut butter with that wombat?
You're always funny Tink and should be on the cover everyday! Oh, wait. The cover isn't even updated everyday ... Maybe the ed i tor job is just freelance now? Or very part time? Hey, time's are tough in the land of content. I'm perfecting my burger-flipping skills in anticipation of a new career post-journalism fall-out. (Ya want fries with that?)
So then what happened????? (BTW, the opening alone to this was worth the click. Hilarious!)
BTW -- nice job with the fiction. Keep it going. When you're ready to publish, I'll edit for you (everyone needs an editor, Tink, even you).
At least you got a good meal out of it! As far as the ED I Tor, all I can say is, "Oh where, oh where, has our ed-i-tor gone, oh where oh where, can he/she be?"
Moana, as soon as I can!! :D

Chicago Guy, I'm not stopping, just taking a breather!! :D

Deadly, thank you very much!! :D

Jonathan, damn that Cranky!!! :D

Lunchlady, I'll have to post the rest then!! :D

Jack, maybe!! ;D

JMac, ~blush~ :D

Linda, lots of peanut butter please!!! :D

Cindy, oooo and a milk shake!! :D

Mary, everybody gets milkshakes!! :D

Cindy, ~nodding~ I need lots of editing!! :D

jane, I'll hold your hand!! ;)

Erica, I think Kerry sold her to Huffington Post for some magic beans!! ~LOL~
Great opening! I think the editor pulled the old 'dropped off the kids at the neighbor's place for the purposes of just running out to get cigarettes and then never returned' move. Yep, we've been abandoned. We should make our own Open Calls and nominate our own "Editor's" Picks. Anarchy!
couch, sounds about right!! ANARCHY!!! :D
Give it up cat, Ed I Tor has no shame and cannot be guilted into putting you on the cover. Like you show up for my crap every time.
bobbot, I show up for your crap when you put out those tasty tuna treats!! Should I put them out for Ed I Tor????? :D
Did the wolfling eat Ed I Tor?
What fun! I don't know which I enjoyed more (and I enjoyed it all!), but the notion of Ed being sold to HP was a particularly tasty delight for me.
"Crass! Crass! Watch where you fly that sword! You almost hit me!"

I am stealing this, just to let you know, for my next installment of "Penis Fish". It's the one set in the dark ages....

You're too talented for your own good.

Of course, now all we want is to hear more about your affair with Andrew and Steve. Not to mention that headless squirrel. :)


P.S. Please send my best regards to your lovely wife.

::walks away clutching the beads, praying for the safe arrival of the kittens:: :)
Open Calls? You want frickin' Open Calls? What about the 2 that have been wayyyyy over there on the right hand side for the last 2 months? Yep, there's an Ed I Tor issue here.
Here's something to howl about:
Speaking of Open Calls, I just made one: So What's in My Camera Phone?.
Bravo! Brilliant! You should be on the cover. No, seriously, I want to know more about your wolfling. He is a real character, with motives and history and all that good shit. Complicated, too. I love him already. I fall in love easily, but still. Ask him if he eats middle-aged ladies who were once virgins, but that was some number of guys ago. Don't know the number, but it's large. So were some of the guys.
Tink... Yes, more please. However, methinks you are in dire need.

In need of: A White Albacore Tuna sandwich with shredded iceberg lettuce, sliced tomato, a piece of thinly sliced creamy Havarti cheese, on fresh sliced sourdough French bread - accompanied by your favorite very cold cerveza, and a medium bag of your favorite chips.

That ought to end your depression. I find that it works quite well.
Stim, sadly, I believe so!! WAAA!! :D

kit, and Kerry got 25 cents for her!! He'll update us in his next post! ~:D

zuma, I am honored!! :D

Diary, ahhh thanks!! ~leaves a big box of beads for her~ ~:D

(Shhh, I get them on discount!! :D)

Walter, I know!! I did those already, got completely ignored too!! I wrote about Occupy my Bathroom! And "I was an unemployed call girl"

Neither one on the cover!! What the hell? :D

Trudge, I got some nudie photos of the Walmart girls!! Whooo!! Thank you sir!! :D

Sirenita, heck, come on over and I'll eat ya!! ~wink wink nudge nudge~ :D (I heard that on a TV show once, still don't understand it, why would someone want to be eaten?! :S :D)

Berries, NUMMY!! Now I'm hungry!! ~tummy grumbles~ :D
someday we will play d&d together, oh yes we will...
That's quite a story you've got going. Well done.
Julie, ~nodding~ :D

Kate, those aliens are AWESOME!! :D

jl, thank you very much!