On my previous post, jmac got me remembering about a channel that taught me about sex.
Back when I was younger(39 -- oh who am I kidding, last week!), Cinemax would show softcore erotica.porn late at night.
Actually they still do.
The plots are simple.
"I'm Detective Long Johnson and you're under arrest for being too hot to handle..."
"UPS! I got a package that will fit, so I want to deliver it!"
Haha, get it, package, deliver it, Long Johnson!
Them crazy script writers!
The sex is intense(really? No, not really!) and way back when, when my parents subscribed to Cinemax, I would sit in the living room and watch with my best friend, Zen D. Teddy Bear.
Zen tried to tell me about the birds and the bees but after watching 'Women in Prison Part Two' he began to rethink his thoughts about sex.
Actually, Zen wandered off confused and dazed, to be devoured by the next door neighbor's cat, Fluffy Poof Poof Butt.
The other night I noticed that Cinemax was having a free preview weekend.
"Hello Childhood memories!!"
The premise of the 1st film was that Dick Johnson and Virgin Gina have decided to get married. They're big time celebrities, I guess, like Dick is a rock star and Virgin is a movie star.
Both want to have wild hot sex.
In the belly button.
You'll discover quickly that most folks in these films seemingly, by their positions, are doing each other in the belly button.
And loving it!
Anyways, Dick and Virgin show up at the Villa NoTell in Las Vegas.
I know when I want to get away from the cameras, I run off to Las Vegas.
Anyways, the manager is like, "We are very good at keeping secrets..." wink wink! Nudge nudge!
Cut to suite.
Dick comes out in a pair of very nice clean boxers.
Virgin is in some kind of hot lingerie with off-white stockings, lying seductively in the bed.
Light kisses up her thighs. Stopping at her knees.
"You like this?"
I don't know the actress at all.
"You like this?" he says, bringing an ice cube up her thigh, over her belly, through her breasts, and right into her mouth.
It's Vegas baby! Trust me, the ice cubes there have been up somebody's ass!
Then we get to the sex.
Dick is on the bed, moaning, like, "Oh babeeee......you like this?"
Dick's lines in the movie consist basically of "You like this?" and "Uh..."
DICK CAN'T READ!
Virgin is on top. Apparently, Dick's uh, belly button is very outtie!
And she likes.
After about a minute(Dick very fast!), we are back to the manager of the Villa.
His assistant, whose name is apparently, ASSISTANT, brings in an envelope.
"This was dropped off to me..."
It contains photos of Dick and Virgin from like two minutes ago.
"How could this be?" manager shrieks.
Assistant shrugs and wanders off.
And apparently, Dick and Virgin just don't care.
They like honey badger.
They're belly buttons are itchy and need to be scratched!
BOING! BOING! BOING! SPLOOSH!
Two minutes again, more photos to the manager.
"Where is Assistant?"
Apparently Assistant has an itchy belly button as well as we are transported to the French Maid's quarters.
She is taking a bubble bath.
And she arises, like Venus in Detroit, and we get to see breasts.
It might be drawn on.
Assistant gives her belly button lots of boinging.
I know, like a record or something.
No ladies, sorry, Assistant doesn't believe in licking the belly button before sticking.
A few minutes afterward, we're on the top of the world babeee, wedding night ceremony.
Cause as everyone knows, the paparazzis do not come out at night.
Or do they?
Dick and Virgin make a beautiful bride and groom.
OR DO THEY?
Yes, they do.
And they say 'I do' like they were trained to do.
Well, Dick says, "Do you like this?"
But you just know in his language that means, I DO!
And we rush off to the honeymoon suite.
OH yeah baby, guess who is being naughty with the camera person? Hot blonde with a nice belly button.
Yes, it could have been drawn on too!
"ASSISTANT, HOW COULD YOU BETRAY MY TRUST!?" screams the manager after the discovery of who has been allowing the photos.
"Belly button itches!"
What did I learn from this?
Belly buttons get you in trouble!
Avoid them at all costs.
Cinemax taught me all about women in prison, siblings loving their siblings, California is a great place to go if you want belly button sex and being a pizza delivery boy is awesome.
Also, sex can kill.
Well, actually, pyscho ex can kill.
And Detective Dick Johnson is on the case.
He even have belly button sex with pyscho ex.
"Do you like this?"
Course, not too long ago, Sears tried to sell the "BEST OF..." women in prison movies among others.
American Family Association went on boycott and Sears pulled them off their site before I could order any.
AFA, you suck!
And not in that good way neither!
"Do you like this?"