On my previous post, jmac got me remembering about a channel that taught me about sex.
Cinemax!
Back when I was younger(39 -- oh who am I kidding, last week!), Cinemax would show softcore erotica.porn late at night.
Actually they still do.
The plots are simple.
"I'm Detective Long Johnson and you're under arrest for being too hot to handle..."
"UPS! I got a package that will fit, so I want to deliver it!"
Haha, get it, package, deliver it, Long Johnson!
Them crazy script writers!
"What script?"
Exactly!
The sex is intense(really? No, not really!) and way back when, when my parents subscribed to Cinemax, I would sit in the living room and watch with my best friend, Zen D. Teddy Bear.
Zen tried to tell me about the birds and the bees but after watching 'Women in Prison Part Two' he began to rethink his thoughts about sex.
Actually, Zen wandered off confused and dazed, to be devoured by the next door neighbor's cat, Fluffy Poof Poof Butt.
The other night I noticed that Cinemax was having a free preview weekend.
"Hello Childhood memories!!"
The premise of the 1st film was that Dick Johnson and Virgin Gina have decided to get married. They're big time celebrities, I guess, like Dick is a rock star and Virgin is a movie star.
Both want to have wild hot sex.
In the belly button.
You'll discover quickly that most folks in these films seemingly, by their positions, are doing each other in the belly button.
And loving it!
Anyways, Dick and Virgin show up at the Villa NoTell in Las Vegas.
I know when I want to get away from the cameras, I run off to Las Vegas.
"Really?"
No.
Anyways, the manager is like, "We are very good at keeping secrets..." wink wink! Nudge nudge!
Cut to suite.
Dick comes out in a pair of very nice clean boxers.
Virgin is in some kind of hot lingerie with off-white stockings, lying seductively in the bed.
Oh my.
Panty shot!
Light kisses up her thighs. Stopping at her knees.
"You like this?"
She moans.
Maybe moans.
I don't know the actress at all.
"You like this?" he says, bringing an ice cube up her thigh, over her belly, through her breasts, and right into her mouth.
EWW!
It's Vegas baby! Trust me, the ice cubes there have been up somebody's ass!
What?
Then we get to the sex.
Dick is on the bed, moaning, like, "Oh babeeee......you like this?"
Dick's lines in the movie consist basically of "You like this?" and "Uh..."
Script?
DICK CAN'T READ!
Virgin is on top. Apparently, Dick's uh, belly button is very outtie!
And she likes.
Very much.
BOING!
After about a minute(Dick very fast!), we are back to the manager of the Villa.
His assistant, whose name is apparently, ASSISTANT, brings in an envelope.
"This was dropped off to me..."
It contains photos of Dick and Virgin from like two minutes ago.
GASP!
"How could this be?" manager shrieks.
Assistant shrugs and wanders off.
And apparently, Dick and Virgin just don't care.
They like honey badger.
They're belly buttons are itchy and need to be scratched!
BOING! BOING! BOING! SPLOOSH!
Two minutes again, more photos to the manager.
"Where is Assistant?"
Apparently Assistant has an itchy belly button as well as we are transported to the French Maid's quarters.
She is taking a bubble bath.
KINKY!
And she arises, like Venus in Detroit, and we get to see breasts.
And vagina.
It might be drawn on.
Assistant gives her belly button lots of boinging.
Five minutes.
I know, like a record or something.
No ladies, sorry, Assistant doesn't believe in licking the belly button before sticking.
BASTARD!
A few minutes afterward, we're on the top of the world babeee, wedding night ceremony.
Cause as everyone knows, the paparazzis do not come out at night.
Or do they?
Dick and Virgin make a beautiful bride and groom.
OR DO THEY?
Yes, they do.
And they say 'I do' like they were trained to do.
Well, Dick says, "Do you like this?"
But you just know in his language that means, I DO!
And we rush off to the honeymoon suite.
OH yeah baby, guess who is being naughty with the camera person? Hot blonde with a nice belly button.
Yes, it could have been drawn on too!
"ASSISTANT, HOW COULD YOU BETRAY MY TRUST!?" screams the manager after the discovery of who has been allowing the photos.
"Belly button itches!"
What did I learn from this?
Belly buttons get you in trouble!
Avoid them at all costs.
Cinemax taught me all about women in prison, siblings loving their siblings, California is a great place to go if you want belly button sex and being a pizza delivery boy is awesome.
Also, sex can kill.
Well, actually, pyscho ex can kill.
And Detective Dick Johnson is on the case.
He even have belly button sex with pyscho ex.
"Do you like this?"
MOAN!
Course, not too long ago, Sears tried to sell the "BEST OF..." women in prison movies among others.
American Family Association went on boycott and Sears pulled them off their site before I could order any.
AFA, you suck!
And not in that good way neither!
BASTARDS!
"Do you like this?"
SHADDUP DICK!!!
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
B Stone
Steve Kenny
john guzlowski
Ernesto Tinajero
Ramona Grigg
Kathy Gori
Salon.com
Comments
You kwazy kat.
Why do males like porn so much?
Fluffy Poof Poof Butt?
Tink, are you getting it on with the Youtube kitty?
Stupid rate button!! GRRRR!! ~:D
jmac, exactly!! ~;D
phyllis, ~nodding~ And the neighbors wonder why their cat is sooooo mean!! ~:D
Victoria, EXACTLY!! Paint is hot!! ~;D
oooooooo noooooooo loooong long Johnson!! :D
That's just hot!! ~;D
You're transforming from "Kwazy Kat" into "Zex Kwaaaazy Kat"
(*Way to go Tink! But don't tell anybody I said that*)
.
i say to gals:
"got cinemax"?
they say, "huh?"
i say well, listen, a soft core paradise is in store for you,
and i think u, dear goofy gal, would prefer
soft.
"ha, yeah welll i dunno. i got my inclinations, mister!"
"what, like violence?"
"no but maybe a bit of activity from you limp noodles now and then? a nice spank?"
'oh hm. i got objections............." i lie..........
"what, like, moral, man?"
"not so much moral as aesthetic and, of course, holy..."
"you are as holy as a damn 3 dollar bill. come here"
"oh, i will try....."
That you can get actual hardcore porn with only an Internet connection, through places like Redtube, hasn't gotten through to the guys running the local EconoLodge. As long as the sexually inhibited salesmen keep booking rooms there, those movies will always be made.
And nookie that stings
These are a few
Of my favourite things...."
Thank God for Cinemax. How's the younger generation going to know how to reproduce?
1. You have a great future in Hollywood, actually the San Fernando Valley as a writer. But you know about the stupid starlet. She had sex with the writer to get the part.
2. Well now, Mr. Tinkerertink69. We know EXACTLY what you've been watching in your hotel room in Trenton, NJ.
So how did the assessment go?
James, spankings are good ways to relax!! What? :D
Firechick, wasn't he? SWOON!! :D
I also learned that the best time to show up at women's prison was laundry day!! ~:D
neutron, ~nodding~ And they charge you for it!! Pornhub I can get it for free!! ~:D
Kate, teehee!! ;D
Chicken, yes! :D
Boaner, I don't know!! WE'RE DOOMED!! :D
lefty, exactly!! "How to Crotchet - Parts I - IV" Man, what fun!! ~:D
Julie, not too good, I blew up the virtual plant!! :( ~:D
Linda, man, those were the days!! WOoooo!! :D ~huge hug~
nana, me too! The Sears Catalog too!!!
I think they're waiting for my birfday next month and are going to do a ALL TINK CELEBRATION COVER!! Wooo!! ~:D
Sally, PORNAMAX is an awesome name!! ~:D
V. Sister Mary Ryan flunked me out of Catholic School!! PFFFFT!! She needed to get laid....:D
Gerald, ~nodding~ Me too!! ~:D
JALI, ME TOO!! ~:D