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JANUARY 9, 2013 11:01PM

How to lose your mind in ten easy lessons: Insanity

Rate: 34 Flag

Dear diary,

Today is January 9th, 2013. 

I think I'm losing my mind, and not in that good way, where you go, "The invisible monkeys say you should go to Hell!" but more like, "Sleep? Who are you, this sleep?" and then go on a ten state killing spree.

For some reason, people like to say, "You gotta live..." but I'm still not sure why.  

It's not like I'm holding the world up on my shoulders and if I die, it would go sinking into the fires of Hell, though that'd be awesome and must remind myself that if someone asks, "How are you doing?" I can reply, "We're all going to die when the Sun finally gets it wish and devours our planet for brunch!"

Brunch is nice.

It's not breakfast, it's not lunch, it's just something in between.

It's brunch!

I would wander off down the street, past the Mexican Bakery ran by Jesus and his brother Juan, past the check cashing/pay check advance store front ran by Jillian and her ex-boyfriend whose name is not listed on his name tag, down towards the Walgreen where Matthew, who is going to school for 'Pyschology with a minor in Accounting', would tell me,

"The secret to sanity is to remember that invisible monkeys have no tongues, so how can they speak?"


Matthew also has spent some time in 'homes' that are not you know, homes.

They have names like Willow Pines, Happy Acres, names that should be on cemetaries but aren't.

He hasn't spent time in special wards, where they tie you down and read you stories about happy trees and stuff, but he said he came close with his last 'episode'.

Apparently, in some worlds, there aren't insane, sane, there are 'episodes'.

Episode 1 - Woke up naked at the governor's mansion.  Six months at Warm Springs for 'observation'. 

Matthew's are more like, "Held a gun to head while reciting the Pledge of Alliegence in a Walmart."

Before anyone asks, I'm not suicidal, well, more like, I don't want to die.

Also, knowing my luck, I would try and end up messing it up and being a vegetable for the rest of my life, which would last another 80 years.

"Hi! My name is Francis, I'm going to be your nurse today! Blink once if you understand."

I blink ten times which means, "Hello baby! Wanna sit on my face?"

She smiles. "Are we flirting with me today?"

I blink five times which equals, "I'd like to use your butt as an ashtray!"

She translates it as "I need an ice water enema!" and well...

Also, there's too many people out there, if I did off myself, who'd come to my funeral just to slap me and scream, "You selfish son of a bitch!"

But still, I walk through this thing called life, and a thought comes across my mind, as someone says, "You should wear a smile on the outside!"

"I'd like to punch you in the throat and watch you die!!"

And I smile.

A lot!

"There you go! That's better! A smile tells people you're happy!" this person says, waddling off.

Again, I smile, thinking of holding her head under the water of a stream, not letting up till she stops struggling.

People who pretend to be happy but really aren't, need more medication and help than I do.  If I'm not happy, and try to smile, it looks like I just farted, but not that good type of fart, a release, more like, "Crap, I just shitted myself!"

Why pretend to be happy?  

"Because it helps other people to feel happy themselves!" this person I want to drown says in response.  

Why would I care about that?

"You should! Then they spread the happiness!"

Like a disease? Happiness is a disease? Very few people want a disease!

She just shakes her head and frowns.

"Frowns are bad!"

Fuck you!

"Another dollar in the cuss jar!"

In some worlds, people still use cuss jars. In my world, they'd need a few hundred jars just on 'fart' jokes.

They could retire on my 'Fuck you and the donkey you rode in on!' alone.

Apparently using that phrase in a sales meeting is a bad thing.

"Two dollars in the cuss jar!" 

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I know this sounds stupid, but people chose to be happy sometimes. If they believe it sometimes it happens. It is a weird way to think, to look at different ways of being, instead of just being. I think it takes time to decompress. Sometimes years, but somehow people put themselves out there. It sucks, but they do it. Does what I am saying make sense? No? Okay. If I think of something better, I will be back. "I'll be back...."
If I kept a cuss jar, I could pay off my student loans. I'm so glad to read your posts again. Always, always you crack me up- regardless. Thank you.
Well, Tink, my opinion is that other people don't have any right to tell you to be happy! Sometimes there's not much to be happy about. Glad you havn't lost your sense of humor and wishing you happiness again, when the time comes.
If it makes you happy to be unhappy, why then you just go right ahead and be happy...... or is that unhappy?

Erk! Now you've infected me! Look at that - I'm smiling like an idiot! And I'm unhappy as hell! Happily so......

(*If you understand that, we're both bat-shit crazy*)

"This life thing is a tricky goddam bitch!" - Jesus, when getting chased out of another town
This whole attitude is everything nonsense started with the Declaration and that silly "Life, Liberty and pursuit of Happiness" thing; it's unfairly skewed toward optimists. It should be amended to read

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness, or alternatively, the pursuit of Scrooge-like Crotchetyness, Negativity and Abject Misery, aided and abetted by copious use of illegal substances.
Hell I lose my mind nearly every day, people avoid you and if you wear old crappy clothes and hold your hat in your lap they give you money. Tourists are idiots and they're fun to fuck with and that makes me happy. That and medicinal green leafy substance.
No problem with sleep here, since I retired and drink more beer and smoke more pot I fall asleep 10-15 times a day until a tourist wakes me up throwing money at me. Almost dinner time have to go, wait it's 3:09 AM time for a beer...................o/e

I wish I had a monkey I could really make some money then.
You don't have to smile, but perhaps avoiding Matthew might be a good idea? Best wishes, Tink!
If I kept a cuss jar, I'd be in a penthouse in New York by now.
Take care of yourself, Tink. xoxoxox
One day at a time, Tink. It will get better. r
You gotta live cause your death will cause misery. Also, so many mysteries and maybe a good meal or two. You've been through a great loss . You are going to get hit with that whole no timeline healing stuff. And, you are going to feel as if all you hear is platitudes. Good to see you in such fine form, Tink. Thinking of you and sending fond vibes and a platitude or two your way.
I'm glad you're writing and hope it helps. Take care.
Sheila, it makes sense but right now, I want to punch this lady in the throat and watch her die!! :D ~hug~

Maureen, thank you and I know!!! I probably could buy a Senator with my cuss jar money!!!!!! :D

trilogy, ~nodding~ Thank you!! Plus, I giggle when I shove a pen into a person's eye when they screw up the computer again!!! :D

sky, we both bat shit crazy!! But who cares!! :D

cheshyre, Jesus gets chased a lot!! :D

Margaret, exactly!!!!!! :(

Them bears should be able to bare their arms!!!!

o/e, monkeys are awesome!!! :D

Emily, but he has great meds!! :D

Joan, Me too!! I'm not taking care of myself!! Too tough!! Lady from across the hall comes over and uh....wait...no she doesn't!! :( :)

Gerald, I hope so...........

fernsy, thank you! ~gathering up all the good vibes~

jl, it has helped. Started a journal.....
I had that disease, torture man, torture. Wait a minute, Happy Disease? My mind must have wondered, I read Bullhead Clap. Now that is torture my friend, torture. (But I had a great time in cracktown tracking down a crackwhore with the right kind of Bull.)
Failing and being a vegetable has been one of my fears as well, so I can understand. And, if I had a cuss jar, I'd have enough money to quit this job and would be replenishing said jar as I was walking out the door. Can't leave without letting everyone know what I think of them, can I?
Listen to our good and wise uncle Toritto.

If anyone tells you to "be happy", I will be glad to supply their F U Donkey so they can ride the F out.

Milwaukee's Art Kumbalic taught me the answer to life's most difficult questions;

"Don't say no, just say, "WHAT THE FOCK!""
Nobody can tell you how to be happy, so I got nothing on that front.

Looking back on the couple of times when I was so afraid and alone I could touch the hem of what crazy might be like, if I allowed myself to steep in whatever it was that came up: grief, rage, terror, it didn't stay for long. My daily fitness walk turned into my daily stomp–one mile up and one mile back, every step an angry outraged life sucks stomp. Anyone who'd glance my way would inspire an extra stompity-stomp and a good fierce glare.

There was always a point on the walk when I would be taken in by some lovely sight, a bird song, a fat squirrel staring at me, and realize that I'd forgotten to stomp. Life is weird in that way–how as organisms we can hold both grief and awe at the same time.

Thinking of you.
No matter what all we well-meaning and sincere folks say about you needing to "live" and "be happy," you will get through your grief in your own way and in your own time. It's just that none of us knows a damn thing about the right way to support you, so we say all kinds of nonsense. Maybe there should be a "nonsense jar." In the meantime, my friend, keep cussin' and pffffftin' and telling us to f*ck off. We know you love us anyway.

It's been 10 years now. I'm married again and am happy. But...do I still grieve and get depressed? You bet your ass I do. It gets better but it never goes away. Grief is a personal passage and you don't need to smile. I tried to smile too much at the time, just to make everyone else feel better. Makes more sense to be yourself and let time help.
Ahem...oh, ahemmmm? Hi, there!!! My name is Doowayne, you know, Doowayne from the goverment? Yup, that's me alright heh heh heh. What ? Doowayne. D - o - o - w - a - y - n - e. Pronounced Doo - Wayne. There. Got it? Lemme hear ya say it? Huh? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!! There, that's better. Yup. Doowayne from the goverment. I'm here to help you!!!
dang...that's my cuss word. I was raised by a woman who wanted to be Amish.

Write, curse, scream, yell, write more. I only know you through the magical blog world, but I love you.
Life tosses people into adventures of survival. I see that you still have fastballs, curveballs and spitballs in your arsenal.

Every day is a journey on a long and rambling road. if you need the cuss jar to make it I will even contribute and we can have a cuss fest.
I am here for you god dammit.
The journal's a great idea. You can always tell a journal the truth.
Tink you are the undisputed champion of comedy on OS. Its to bad you don’t live in NYC, or at least somewhere that is on a known map, you could make a good living doing stand up with this material and possibly land a cable deal!
When someone who has nothing to do with work tells you to smile, tell them no. Yes, they want you to feel better but saying no will, in fact make you feel better because you will be in control of the situation. That tiny little bit of control will feel good, and eventually, some day, you will look up and realize that life still has some good stuff for you. Start with the small stuff. Take care of yourself.
When someone who has nothing to do with work tells you to smile, tell them no. Yes, they want you to feel better but saying no will, in fact make you feel better because you will be in control of the situation. That tiny little bit of control will feel good, and eventually, some day, you will look up and realize that life still has some good stuff for you. Start with the small stuff. Take care of yourself.
The reason I don't smile much is that I know there are lots of people who want to have their butts used as ashtrays. Although sometimes that makes me grin.

I think it's a very good thing that you are authentic about how you really feel. I am astonished that anyone is telling you should be smiling right now when you are grieving.
Smiling on the outside shows that one is happy?


(Clang goes the Susan B. Anthony in the cuss jar.)

Worth every penny...
But what if the invisible monkeys speak sign language? And the only word they know is the erect middle finger with the other fingers folded down, would I have to leave a real or imaginary dollar in the Cuss Jar? R
Cranky gets royalties every time his name is mentioned.

(10% out of every jar)
SCANNER, it's all about the disease my friend!! :D

theig, exactly!! :D

toritto, ~nodding~ I know I'll be something, takes time and even then, never goes away, there always be this hole in my heart!! ~nodding~

steve, ~nodding~ Frucking A!! :D

heron, I stomped the squirrels. Their families now mad at me!! :( :) Walks are awesome.....

Thank you!!!

L, ~nodding~ I loves you more and more each day!! ~group hug~

Christine, ~nod~ I figure there will always be a hole in my heart!! :( I want my wifey back!!!! I keep saying that for a month now, and will keep saying it. That and God is a wussy!!!!! ~nodding~

Matt, Dooooooowayne??? :D

Mime, ahhhh thanks!!!! The Blog World is the best!! Can be anything you want, except Don Johnson!! Don't know why, just can't!! :D Curses!!!

Lyle, and an atomic bomb!! Woo!! :)

Linda, ~huge hug~

nile, exactly!!!!! Journals are awesome!!!! Even when they fall into the wrong hands, nobody can read my writing anyways!! :D

Jack, I know!!! Indiucky gets my humor but well, TV networks too afraid to come into the area, afraid they'll get 'courted' by the goats!! :D

phyllis, it does work!! :D

Makes them mad, but pfffft...:D

Stim, ~nodding~ Those folks are the true keepers in our lives!! :D

Diary, yeah, these are the same people who say, "Someone has the case of the Mondays!!" :D

Linnnn, I know, right? Means they insane!! Fuckin' A!! ~two clangs~ :D

Trudge, you'd have to put three in the jar, two for the monkey, one for you for having to translate!! :D

Larry, Cranky is a very rich man!! :D

Seer, time heals all wounds, according to the prophets who stand on the street corner at noon!! I hope they right.....well, not really. Pain reminds me of a great love I still have!! ~nodding~ Each tear a reminder of how much I still care......
Tink...speechless but full of compassion.
Take care Beloved...I hear you.Keep calling!!!
Heidi, I'll keep calling!!!!!! Thank you for answering!! :)
Seer, I keep hoping........~nodding~
You good and today your GREAT! I lost mine in one step BTW!
........(¯`v´¯) (¯`v´¯)
............... *•.¸.•* ♥⋆★•❥ Thanx & Smiles (ツ) & ♥ L☼√Ξ ☼ ♥
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