Lately, I've been the go-to guy for advice.
"Hey, do you think it'd be okay to date my cousin?"
Sure, why not? What could go wrong!
"Do you think meth is okay for a 8 year old child?"
I've been talking to my previous team leader from my previous job as a massage therapist or a grocery store.
"You've been in love, how did you find it?"
I didn't! I stopped looking for love and all that other stuff years ago, then my wife said, she had found love and I was like, AMAZING!!! HOW DID YOU DO IT?
My friend, who we will call Abby(but her real name is Bob!), laughed and said, "You so silly!!! Why didn't we ever get it on?"
"Because I might be gay and you're definitely insane! Also, I very rarely sleep with my boss, let alone date them!"
She laughed again.
That's my gig, I make people laugh.
I try to give good advice too, like, maybe, just maybe, you should at least date someone a month before you give them your heart.
Butt sex is acceptable at the 3 week mark, but not love.
Abby did not say I LOVE YOU, the fellow, who we'll name Joe, decided to throw that out on their first phone conversation which went something like:
JOE: I LOVE YOU!
JOE: LET US RUN OFF TO PARIS!!!
According to Abby their first date the other day was magic, both sat quietly acrossed from each other.
JOE: You know when I said I loved you?
JOE: I retract it!
ABBY: Thank God! I thought I was going to have to kill you!
She told me, "The magic we felt over the last three weeks, the feeling of being one, soul mates forever and ever, just went poof when we met!"
I told her...
Actually, I rolled on the floor laughing my ass off.
"Three weeks? Did you get a promise ring?"
Like I said, four weeks, soul mate, three weeks and below, butt sex.
I also told her to be careful out there, too many con artists out there trying to steal money or get free butt sex.
Damn those con artists!
So if you feel the need for love, or pave over your heart to forget those loves of the past, sit back, take off your pants, and listen to the love song I listened to when me and my cousin Wendy broke up!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!