Well, thar’s an old sayin in Tennessee ... I know it's in Texas ... probably in Tennessee … that says "Fool me once ... shame on ... shame on you ... if fooled, you can't get fooled again" or sumthin like that. Acorse a feller's got ta be able ta feel shame in the furst place, but I don’t spose I awter git into that neither.

What I mean ta say is ol’ Abe wudn’t all that smart, kawz I managed ta fool a whole lot of peeple all the time. Hell, I’m still foolin’ a lot ‘em – there’s millions a Markins that’d vote fer me again kawz they say I'm jist like them – cept fer me bein' a millionaire and all.

So let me jist wine up this here furst part by sayin’ I wuz mighty proud ta trooly repersent all them ignernt Markins.

•           •           •

Chapter One – Doors of deception

I’m the kind a feller don’t like ta show what’s goin’ on inside a me; you leave too many doors open, and you never know what sum cat’s gonna drag in and let outa the bag. I will say this – that feller Froid woulda had a field day with my family. We wuz almost as dishfunkshunal as the Reagan’s.

I come by my powers a deception honest; there's a long line a deceptors on my old man’s side. My momma wudn’t eggzackly what you’d call purfick neither, and mixin’ them two together wuz sumtimes like mixin' fire an water – or is that water and ice? I kinda fergit that stuff. Anyhow, all mixin might exsplain why my hole family’s kinly screwed up.

Maybe I wuzn't the brightest bulb on that string a lights, but I’m a hole lot smarter’n my bruthers Neil and Marvin. Fact is I’m a hole lot smarter than a lot a folks gives me discredit fer. Like I always say, it’s a mistake ta misunderestimate me.

*** 

I ben misunderestimated ever since I wuz a kid – exspeshly by my old man. He mighta thought he wuz God’s gift; but I’m here ta tell you, he wuzn’t no angel. There’s a bunch a stuff I could tell on him about how he practiced deception on my momma, but I ain't gonna. This ain't about him – it's about me.

Nope, I ain’t gonna talk about the old man – even if he is a hard-ass. He's one a them old-school guys who thinks thar’s a place fer everything, and everything’s always sposed ta be in its place. When I wuz a kid, everything had ta always be jist perfect. He didn’t never let up on me, and I couldn’t never do nuthin ta suit him, so I jist quit tryin’.

The old man always said I wuzn’t good fer nothin’, that I awter git in line behind my bruther Jeb. In a pig's eye! When we wuz kids, I usta beat that fat little [expletive deleted] like a red-headed step-child – which he jist might be, but that's another story.

Git in line behind my brother Jeb's sorry ass? Hell, I'd sooner spend the rest a my life humpin' Hillry Clinton.

***

My Momma’ll prolly kill me fer sayin’ this, but she and Hillry got one thing in common – they both married men that wuz  a hole lot better lookin’ than they wuz. Takes a strong women to stay hitched to a good lookin man. I know Laura had to be strong lotsa times.

In a lotter ways, Momma wuz jist about the opzit a the old man. She wuz always jist a little bit wacky, and I giss you mite say I take after her more than the old man.

Nuther way I take after her is she didn't never hold back frum sayin' zackly what wuz on her mind. She wuz sorta like Martha Mitchell and that [expletive deleted] Molly I-vins, who rode me like a Shetlin circus pony right up till the day she died. Good riddance, I say.

Yeah, Momma wuz one crazy coot sumtimes – and I think sum a that mighta rubbed awf on me. I know sumtimes I get my foot stuck purty far inta my mouth kawz I don’t think before sayin’ sumthin’ like what I’m about to say next.

***

Yor prolly not gonna believe what I'm fixin' ta tell you, and I prolly awt not tell it. But after I do, maybe you kin unnerstan why as a young man I mighta got started awf on the wrong feet.

When I wuz just a kid, Momma had a miscarriage – now don’t go gettin’ the wrong idear, it weren’t no ‘borshun ner nothin’ like it. Maybe it wuz God’s way a sayin’ there wuz already way too many Bushes. I can’t say that fer shore, but I do know the Lord works in mysterious ways – I mean, didn’t I get ta be Prezerdent stead a my bruther Jeb the Chosen One?

Anyhow, like I said, Momma had this miscarriage, and then she went and stuck that poor little thing in a jar. Is that wild or what? Then one day she up and shows it ta me – and like I said, I wuz just a little kid, and it shore shook me up.

I gotta admit, when she done that, it scairt me ‘bout half outer my senses, and sum people say it was way worser than that. I wuz screwed up so bad, I took ta writin’ poetry fer godssake:

Little George Bushie
Sat on his tushie
Wasting his life away
Because his momma
Caused him great trauma
By jarring her fetus one day

Why Momma done that, I can’t say fer shore. She said it wuz ta swear me awf borshuns, but I think maybe it wuz ta scare me awfa makin’ babies myself.

Only other reason I can think of is maybe she wuz havin’ sum a that post partum depression – kinda like that PTSD stuff all them soldiers catch frum goin’ awf ta war in I-rack on account a all that bad intel George Tennit gave to me and Dick. But I giss I awter save that fer another chapter.

Besides, Turdblossom tolt me not to talk bout no depression, neither, or I might end up wurs'n Hoover.

•           •           •

Chapter Two – My wurst furst deceptions

I talked about sum a my wurst furst deceptions already in my furst book I pretended to rite, so I ain’t gonna git inter all that here agin. But maybe I awter talk about it sum.

I ain’t the sort a feller that likes to brag on hisself, so it’s hard fer me ta tell the bad parts about me, too. But much as I hate tell'n on me, I made sum bad deceptions when I was a young man.

Back then I wuz inter whiskey and other wild wimmen. That wuz the days when I usta think things go better with coke. But like I said, I ain’t gonna git inter all that here agin.

***

One a my furst big deceptions wuz gittin inter collage, but that was really the old man's deception. He pullt sum strings to git me inter Yale where he went. They call that a Legacy Admishin; it's kinder like Firmative Axion jist for rich folks – sorta like how John McCain got inter Anapplis.

Ta tell the hole truth and nuthin but the truth, I didn't want ta go ta collage in the furst danged place. I didn't need ta go ta collage ta know nuthin, but it shor helpt.

Long as I'm tellin the truth, let's jist say I warn't zackly no summa come loudly student. But I wuz mighty good at fraternizin – summa my fraternizin buddies said I majert in beer drinkin.

It all werkt out purty good fer me, tho. After I becomed Prezerdent, they axed me ta come back ta Yale an speechify ta sum collage students that wuz gradiatin. Here's what I tole em :

"To the 'C' students, I say, you, too, can be president of the United States."

Corse themYalies bein so smart an all, I didn't hafter to tell em it helps a hole lot if yer old man wuz Prezerdent for you wuz.

***

One a my wurst deceptions wuz when I wuz sposed to be in the Nashnul Gard but wuzn't. After I snuck thru Yale, I wuz fixin to go ta lawyerin skool down thar with them Texas Longhorns. But fer sum reeson, they wudn't let me inter that place.

So the old man dun anuther deception ta keep me outer that war in Vietnam. He knowed sumbuddy that knowed sumbuddy that snuck me in line ahead of a lotta good old boys tryin' ta git inter the Texas Air Nashnul Gard.

I dun a lot a deceptions when I wuz sposed to be soldierin', but forchewnately, a lot of them records come up missin. Prolly the least said about all that the bitter.

My biggest regret bout them days wuz I didn't git ta be no pilot like John McCain. But I did git ta dress up like one when I wuz Prezerdent. It wuz right after I whupped Sydam Whosane and went on that aircraff caryer an anounct Mishin Complished ta the hole wide world.

I'm fixin ta brag on that deception sum more in jist a minute.

*** 

After I made my deception about skippin out on the Nashnul Gard, I wuz scairt they wuz gonter run me off to Vietnam. But my old man made anuther deception. I still don't know he dun it, but he got me inter Harverd Bidness Skool. I martickalated thar awhile till finly they gimme one a them Masters in Bidness Admenstruation.

I wisht they'd a taught more bout bidness at Harverd, seein as how what they teacht me didn't do me no good. After collage, I started a bunch a bidnesses usin uther peeple's munny, but they all got ruint when I couldn't find no oil even in Texas. Corse it prolly didn't help matters that I callt one a them bidnesses Ar-bust-o.

Summa my storkholters got all upset with me when I solt out jist befor them bidnesses went belly-up. But that's another story, and I aint' gettin inter nun a that cept to say I'm mighty thankful to Jim Baker for the deceptions he made to keep me outer jail at the SEC .

I'm also mighty glad the Markin peeple didn't pay no tension to nun a my bidness deceptions; they jist went ahead an electored me thar Prezerdent anyways.

Chapter Three – Cumpashnit cunsurvative deception

After all them wurst furst deceptions, I had my run-in with Reverent Mister Billy Graham on the beach at Kenny Bunkport. Praise the Lord, he saved me from a life a self-deception and spendin’ eturnity in Hell lookin’ like a piece a burnt toast. Right then and there’s when I decidered ta becum a cumpashnit cunsurvtive, and I bin one ever since.

If I had any doubts God was on my side after I took religion, they disappeart right after God tole them fellers my old man put onter the Supreme Court ta make me Prezerdent. I figured I owed God big time fer doin’ such a big favor fer me and the Markin people.

That’s why I sold my sole to them nice folks on the Christian Right like Ralph Weed and Ted Haggert and James Datsun. Turned out I couldn’t give them feller’s much a what they figured they wuz gonna git fer sellin’ out their religion, but that wuz mostly Turdblossom’s doin’.

***

Besides Reverent Mister Billy Graham, I got to give credit to my momma fer helpin me become a cumpashnit cunsertive. She teached me to be concernt bout uthers, an I giss sum a that big ol’ heart a hern rubbed off onter me.

You remember back a little bit a go when I tole on Momma fer stuffin’ that fetus in a jar and showin’ it ta me when I wuz jist a kid? Well, that's whut kawzed me ta make one a my furst big deceptions when I becum Prezerdent.

At the time, thar wuz a hole bunch a them athist scientists spearmintin’ on the stem sells a them poor little defensliss mbrios. But I put a stop ta that right awf.

Maybe you remember when Turdblossom lined-up sum good, godly folks to come on TV with me and show off them mbrios that got dopted and turned inter real live chillern. Sum folks said that wuz one a my finest deceptions.

But like always, there wuz a bunch a naysayers that crittersized what me and Turdblossom was tryin' ta do. They said we wuz jist puttin on a dog-and-pony show cuz there weren’t but a hanful of them mbrios that got dopted and turnt inter chillern.

Well, all I can say is, thanks to my deception that hanful a mbrios got saved, instead a endin’ up like all them thousands and thousands a uther mbrios that got flushed down the toilet kawz I wudn’t let them athists scientists spearmint on ’em no more.

***

Yup, Momma sure taught me a lot about cumpashin, exspeshly where poor black folks is cuncerned. She taught me it wuz a good idear ta let them peeple work things out fer themselves. That way, they learnt to take care a themselves and not hafta live awfa the guvmint all the time. Nobuddy could ever accuse Momma a bein’ another danged Communist like Eleanor Rusevelt.

Momma and me showed our cumpashnit streek right after God took out Hiz mighty vengince on New Orleens cawz there wuz so many a them gay fellers down there pokin’ each uther in the butt. I knowed that kawz Jerry Falwell er Pat Robertsun er one a them preachers on TV said so, and preachers cain't lie less'n they git burnt in Hell.

Now, fer anybody goes ridin’ awf ta the rodeo on me, I ain't got nuthin' pursnal against no homos – I'm just sayin' maybe Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertstun knows more what's on God's mind than sum fudgepackin' athist prevert like Christopher Hitchens.

Anyhow, in case you fergot, here’s the cumpashnit words Momma said bout all them black folks hole up in the Superdome after Hurrycane Katrina:

"…so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them."

Some folks misunderstanded what she thought she said, and she took a lotta heat fer it at the time. But I respecketed Momma a lot cawz she didn’t never pologize fer sayin’ what she said – even after the you-know-what hit her fanny and the [expletive deleted] Lib-roll media went ahead and made a big deal outer sumthin’ that wudn’t nothin – jist like they always do.

And doncha know, they dun the same ta me kawz a that hurrycane, too.

***

I’ll admit ta one mistake with all that stuff that went on with Hurrycane Katrina – I knowed that [expletive deleted] Brownie wuz a [expletive deleted]-up frum the git-go, but I had no idear he wuz as ignernt and discomptint as me. Corse I couldn’t let on at the time.

I axed Turdblossom what I should do, and like always he showed me how ta dump the blame on sumbuddy other’n me. Furst thing you gotta always do, he says, is say the opzit a whutchu mean – he says that makes it lots eazer ta stab sumbuddy in the back later.

That’s the onliest reason I ever said “Heckuva job, Brownie”. Most people got that wrong – I wuz bein’ sourcastic when I said that. He wuz dead ta me already, but I couldn’t let on jist yet.

Karl and me kinly misunderestimated the re-ackshun ta all them black folks that drownt down there cawz they couldn’t swim too good. How wuz I sposed ta know them levees wudn't hold? Ain't that what them Army engineers gits paid the big bucks by the wasteful Fedrill guvmint ta take care of?

And who's idear wuz it ta build a town underwater in the furst place? Sum Democrat I betcha. And people say I'm dum!

Who knew the [expletive deleted] Lib-roll media wuz gonna climb all over my arse just kawz a that stoopid pitcher with me lookin out the winder a Air Force One? What’d they speck – the Co-Mander and Chief wuz gonna go traipsin' around in all that [expletive deleted] muck with all them [expletive deleted] West Indians?

(PS – If yor wonderin' why I'm sayin' West Indians, it's kawz I promised Laura I wudn't rite down the N word in my book.)

***

Like things wudn’t bad enuff already, then that no-count, hip-hoppin’, mother-[expletive deleted] Con-yeah West got all up in my face on TV and said I hated West Indians. That wuz a dam dirty lie! Didn’t I higher a coupla them in my admenstruation?

Now, I gotta admit Colin and Condi ain’t half as dark as John Boner. Fact is, they look a whole lot more like house [expletive deleted] than field hands. Anyhow, I hate ta admit it, but that [expletive deleted] young buck Con-yeah really got unter my skin.

That thar wuz the low point in all my years a sacraficin’ fer the Markin peeple. Why that wuz even worse than when I tried ta give up golf fer a hole week outa respeck fer all them soldiers dyin’ over in I-rack ‘cawz that [expletive deleted] lyin’ dog George Tennit gave me and Dick all that bad info about WMD.

The point I’m tryin’ to make here is if yor gonna be a cumpashnit consurvtive, you got to be willin’ to make some hard deceptions. This here’s one of them hard deceptions:

If yor gonna do right by black folks, you got ta let a few of ‘em drown sose the rest can lurn ta swim upstream.

•           •           •

Chapter Four – Furrin policy deceptions

I lurnt a lot about how to make furrin policy deceptions frum my old man. Sum folks fergit he usta run the CIA back when we started sneakin’ all them WMD ta Sydam Whosane so’s he could stand up to the Ayatollah Co-mainy. That’s why I wuz so shore Sydam had WMD – hell, my old man still had the receipts!

But like I tole you to begin with, my old man and me never really got along too good, so he wudn't never a role model fer me, exspeshly after he chickened out back there in the Gulf War and didn’t take out that Sydam  when he had the chance.

Nosiree, I took fer my role model Marka’s second most favrit Prezerdent after me – Ronald Reagan. I kin tell you fer shor that stuck in the old man’s craw, exspeshly since he wuz already steamin’ fer havin’ to suck-up to Reagan sose he could become Vice-Prezerdent.

The old man said Reagan wuz a phony, said he wuzn't never a cowboy nor a soldier neither, said he wuzn't a very good actor, neither. Well, jist goes ta show what the old man knows, kawz Reagan wuz a good enuff actor ta git hisself re-elected twice – jist like me.

The old man said Reagan didn’t know nuthin bout furrin policy, but I lurnt a lot from him; like the time he swore he wouldn’t never talk to them tear-wrists, and then he turned right around and traitored arms fer hostages.

Danged if he didn’t git away with tellin’ that whopper! I figured if the Markin peeple would buy that one, they’d buy anything.

***

One of my hardist furrin policy deceptions came right after I got back frum my furst big vacation, and them [expletive deleted] ragheads took down the Twin Towers in New York City and tried ta kill me and Dick in Washington. Lucky fer me, I wuz awf sumwhere's else readin' a book– that's what they call iron-knee I think.

You know, I never got ta finish readin' My Pet Goat – I wunder how it turned out? Giss I’ll hafta ask Laura, she bein’ a libarian and all, she’s read bout everything there is.That's anuther reason I don’t hafta to read nun.

Speekin a goats, some folks tried ta make me the goat fer what them [expletive deleted] ragheads done on 9-11. Well, ever one knows that wuz all Bill Clinton’s doin’ cuz he wuz too busy gittin inter that young gal Moniker when he shoulda been gittin inter them tear-wrists. But he didn’t, so right outer the box, I had a mess on my hands.

Ol' Teddy Rusevelt said to talk tough and carry a big stick, and that's what I dun. Jist like John Wayne, I lookt strait inter the camra and said “Bring it on". After that I didn't have no choice but ta send the Army awf ta Afgannystant ta kitch Osamma bin Loudin and the rest a them tear-wrists.

It wuz a purty quick war, but we never did kitch Osamma like I promissed.  That's why I hadter go back on TV after awhile and make anuther deception, and say he wuzn't that portent no more.

***

Like I said, I lurnt a lot about furrin policy frum Ronald Reagan. So right after 9-11, when Marikins still had the beejezus scairt outa themselves, me and Dick decidered it wuz the perfeck time ta make-up some stories sose we could go steel a bunch a oil frum I-rack.

So we tole George Tennit to cook up a story bout yeller cake and sum loomynum tubes and WMD, and another story bout how Saydam and Osammy wuz best buddies. We figgered nobuddy wuz dumb enuff to fall for them whoppers; but bless their hearts, the Markin people shor did.

Well, not all Markins. Joe Wilson refudiated the story bout yeller cake, but we fixed him by havin Turdblossom and Scooter git the word out that his wife Valerie Plum wuzn’t jist anuther dum blond hangin’ around Washington lookin' to git hitched to sum big shot.

Sum other people said them tubes wuzn’t no good fur makin’ WMD, and the weapons inspeckters said there wuzn’t no weapons to inspeck. But me and Dick and George refudiated everbuddy who dared to say sumthin different. Heck, we even talked Colin Powell inter goin’ along with our whoppers.

***

Me and Dick's buddy Don Rumsfelt cooked up sum stories, too. He said it'd be a ezy war, and we could giterdone right quick, said and it wuzn't gonna cost nuthin neither. We'd maybe hafter to put up $72 billion up front, but we'd git alla that back an a hole lot more oncet we stolt alla thar oil.

Turned out Rummy wuz awf in more ways than one.

First awf, them ragheads liked dyin, that way they could git sum of them 72 virgins which their evil lyin religion says they'll git fer fightin us In-fy-dels. So I had ta keep sayin “Stay the corse” even when I wuzn't shor which way the corse wuz – cept fer the gulf corse.

Turned out it was a hole bunch easier to scare Markins than it was to scare them [expletive deleted] ragheads. Plain fact is, we had to dang near drown a couple a them Al Kiters to git em to tell us some more stuff that warn't true.

Corse that warn't zackly legal, but I'm proud ta say, I never let the law git in the way a me doin my doody as Prezerdent. An anyhow, Secretary of Torture David Addington got that young'n John You ta rite up sum fancy lawyer deceptions post itso facto.

I hope Jim Baker won't git too mad at me fer sayin this, but one thang I lurnt from bidness and pollertickin – if you pays em enuff, you can git a lawyer ta justerfy jist about anything.

***

I’m sorry to say my furrin policy deceptions didn’t work out zackly how me and Dick and Rummie figgered. Fer instant, we didn't never git back nun a that $72 billion we wuz spose to git after we steeled that I-racky oil.

Fact is, we hadter go inter hock big time ta fight that war, and danged if didn't take near that hole $2 trillion dollars I borried frum the Chinee. But at least I didn't hafta raise no taxes.

In hindersight, I kinly wisht I'da dropped the big one on them ragheads like Harry Truman done ta all them Japs. But Dick talkt me outer that – he said that mighta ruint all them oil wells we wuz fightin’ the war fer in the furst place.

Ol' Dick made out pretty good, tho, on account a he got a heap a money slipped over to his buddies at Hallyburton vyer all a them no-bid contracks. That jist goes ta show, bidness er politicks, it ain't whatcha no; it's who nose ya.

***

Now, you might think that wuz a pretty rotten thing ta do, tellin them big whoppers an startin a war jist to steel sumbuddy's oil. But me and Dick is both oil mens, an we know what's good fer oil mens is good fer the country.

Sum folks crittercized me fer my furrin policy deceptions bout I-rack an all. But that’s the way Prezerdents always duz. Do I hafta bring up that hole Golf O’Tonka thang fer you Democrats?

At least I didn’t lose no wars while I wuz Prezerdent; I jist kep on stayin the corse till I could dump them wars onter Prezerdent Obomber. Yup, I’d say I dun a heckuva job with my furrin policy deceptions.

•           •           •

Chapter Five – Finanshill deceptions

Finanshill deceptions wuz hard fer me to make even though I’m the onliest Prezerdent who ever had one a them MBA's frum Harverd Collage. It shoulda bin obverse that finanses wuzn't my thing after I run alla them oil compnies inter the ground. But I lurnt a long time ago ta never misunderestimate the ignernce of the Markin peeple.

Like I said before, I lurnt a lotta stuff frum Ronald Reagan, exspeshly bout eekernomics. Thanks to him, Marka wuz rid of all that regularation holdin’ back big corprations frum bein’ able to pray on little peeple that don’t know no better.

So I’d like to take this oppertunaty to say, if it wuzn’t for Ronald Reagan givin me such a headstart, I wudn’t bin able ta git dun what I dun to the peeple durin’ my time as Prezerdent.

***

My old man said Reagan wuz an idjit, said all that talk bout deregularatin' and cuttin' taxes ta raise revnews wuz Voodoo Eekernomics. Well, if the old man wuz so dam smart, how come he didn’t get re-elected twice like me and Reagan?

Can't say fer shor, but maybe he woulda got re-elected twice if he hadna listened ta all them pinko commie economists like that Jack Klugman feller. But the old man did listen ta them so-called exspurts, and that’s why he went ahead and raised taxes after he promised real hard he woodn't.

Read my lips, old man – if you wanna git re-elected twice, don’t never raise taxes – exspeshly on the Have-Mores. If you gotta git sum money, sneak in there and take it from the little peeple. They don't pay attention like the Have-Mores.

Better yet, jist borrow sum money frum them heathen Chinee, and let sumbuddy else worry bout it down the road when you ain't Prezerdent no more. That's how I dun it.

***

I hate ta give credit ta a Democrat, but I kinly liked the way Harry Truman done when people tried to git on him bout his deceptions. He jist gave 'em hell, and let the buffalo chips fall where they may. When the [expletive deleted] Lib-roll media tried ta pin stuff onta him, he jist snapped right right back at 'em and reminded 'em who wuz boss. He usta say, "The buck stops here".

Well, the bucks didn't quite stop during my admenstruation, but I got 'em slowed down to a trickle. In case you ain't herd, that’s what they call Trickle-Down Eekernomics.

I prolly coulda got the bucks stopped completely if I coulda got my hands on that Soshul Scurity like I wanted to. Right after I got re-elected twice, I made anuther deception and tole everbuddy right on the TV that the peeple dun gimme a man-date to privateer Soshal Scurity.

I'da dam shor dun it, too, but them chickenshits in Congress wouldn't do no such thing kawz they wuz too scairt a old people. Scairt a old people! Can you madjin! Whatta they gonna do after you dun took all their munny – gum you ta death?

That's jist one more reason we need lots more jenuwine cowboys like me in Washington instead a them panty-waist Wall Street lawyers and them firmative axion communty orgnizers.

***

I knowed my finanshill deceptions wuz good, kawz that jeanyiss Alan Greenspin kept sayin’ they wuz, and wudn’t nobuddy sayin’ otherwise – at least nobuddy who counted fer sumthin. Hell, all them smart-money boys on Wall Street wuz happier'n pigs in shit kawz a the finanshill deceptions I made.

Even that nasty ol’ coot John McCain said the fundymentals of the economy wuz sound – right up till the day Hank Paulson got his panties all in a twist kawz it looked like sum a hiz buddies at Goldman Sux wuzn't gonna get their million-dollar bonuses one quarter.

Them [expletives deleted] Wall Street boys ain’t nuthin’ but a bunch a silk-shirt sissies. Us oil men know how ta take a hit and just fold-up our tent and git out while the gittin’s good. Hell, I dun it three or four times myself.

Fact is wuzn't much a nobuddy got thar income increast durin my admenstruation cept for me and my friends the Have-Mores. The Prezerdent's celery doublt when I tuk orifice, but that warn't my fault neither – Bill Clinton dun that, too – with sum help frum Republicans in Congress. 

Like I said, the Have-Mores made out purty good durin my admenstruation – jist like I promised em when they gaved me all them big ol campain donashurns. Sum peeple say they got more than a mite hoggish, but that's jist they way it is with them fellers.

Corse them gittin a mite hoggish kawzed lotsa uther folks to hafter borry on thar homes ta try ta stay afloat eekernomicly, and that blowed-up anuther one a them dang bubbles that evenchewly haster splode. Bad thang wuz it sploded while I wuz Prezerdent and made me look kinder foolish.

But that wuzn't my doin neither; that wuz them evil fellers on Wall Street. Them ingrates woodn't do right even after we took all them reggerlations off'n em. Their doin's made me hafta wunder if the old man wuzn't rite bout Voodoo Eekernomics.

It didn't help nun that lowerin taxes fer the Have-Mores didn't cree-ache more jobs ner increese revvynews like them Chamburr a Commurse boys said it wood. That's anuther reason I hadter borry all that munny frum the Chinee and the Japs and the Sawdees an crease the deffercit.

But derspite all the nativity bout all that frum the [expletve deleted] Lib-roll Media, cain't nobbudy say I didn't kep a lid on that ol' boogieman inflation. Nobuddy give me near enuff discredit fer that.

Corse ain't much a nobuddy gettin' much credit these days 'cept fer my friends the Have-Mores. But like I said ta begin with, finanshill deception ain’t as easy as it looks.

•           •           •

Chapter Six – Lessons lurnt frum deceptions

A lot a peeple wuz surprised at how much stuff happened while I wuz Prezerdent. Lookin' back on all that stuff, I made one or two deceptions that don't look so good in hindersight. The worst one wuz givin' that medal ta that [expletive deleted] loser George Tennit.

It wuz dang hard bein' Prezerdent– hardist job I ever dun. You got ta make so many deceptions all the time, and peeple spect you ta know stuff. I gotta admit, I learnt a lot a stuff, but most of it I didn't wanna know in the furst place. It was kinly like school, only you couldn't play hookie.

That's why I took so many long vacations, but it seemed like ever time I did, sumthin' always went wrong. But there wuzn't none a that my fault, so why do peeple all the time axe me ta pologize fer sumthin’ I never dun?

I lurnt sum good ad-vice ‘bout pologizin’ from a real Markin – John Wayne. In that movie where he played a straight-shootin’, gun-lovin’, god-fearin’ cowboy, the Duke said, "Never apologize; it makes you look weak."

So I ain't never pologized kawz I figured I looked week enuff already.

***

Speekin' a week, that feller Obomber has shor ben takin’ a whuppin lately. I tried ta tell that boy when he took over he wuz gonna have a hard time follerin' a Prezerdent like me that wuz so good at makin deceptions. But no, he thought he wuz smarter'n me.

Well, he thought wrong – at least I knowed better than ta take that job when things wuz in such a godawful mess. That's why I follered Bill Clinton. 

Sum folks have wundert why I ain't had much bad ta say about Obomber. Well, I promised him if he wudn’t go after me fer waterboardin’ them [expletive deleted] raghead tear-wrists, I wudn’t say nuthin’ bad about him in publick, and I giss that means I can't say nuthin bad in this here book neither.

I'm a man a my word, jist like I tole that feller Pewtin when I lookt inter them soleful eyes a his'. So all I will say is I’m sorry that commie Democrat Franklin Rusevelt screwed things up to where I couldn't git re-elected but twice. Otherwise, I woulda run again and saved Marka – jist like I dun after 9-11.

***

One reason Obomber’s havin’ such a hard time is Turdblossom and the rest are tryin' ta give him all the credit fer what I dun on my watch. But Turdblossom says that's good fer pollticks and fer my leg-see.

Nuther thing – Obomber keeps hollerin' about how the Republicans won't give him no help. Well, maybe they would if he wudn't so danged uppity.

Fact is, Obomber thinks way too much ta suit me and the Markin peeple. That's why all them old white folks voted aginst him in the mid-terms. It wuz vindercation fer me when they turnt right around and put all them Republicans back inta orifice that wanted ta go back ta doin’ things jist like I dun.

I ain't never bin the kinda feller who wastes a lotta time thinkin' – like I said, I purty much jist foller my guts. But I gotta admit, I had a lotta time ta think on things since I ain't had a country ta run. And you know what? I think I will go down in history as one a Marka’s most remembered Prezerdents.

***

Ta tell ya’ll the truth, so help me God and Reverent Mister Billy Graham, I ain't shor I woulda wanted to be in orifice when them pansy-boys frum Californny whupped my Texas Rangers so bad – and I ain’t even gonna talk about them Cowboys. All that woulda ben too hewmilitatin' on me personally if I'da ben Prezdnet.

Nope, I wouldn't want none a that ta have rubbed awf on me and ruint my chance ta be comishner a baseball one day soon. Meantime, it looks like them Cowboys could use sum help, so maybe Jerry Jones awter let me take a stab at runnin' the team – I mean look what I dun for the Rangers.

I’m purty shor I could do ta baseball or football what I dun ta the country. And there’s a lot more I could say about what a good Prezerdent I wuz, but all this writin’ is cuttin’ inta my brush-cuttin’ and bike-ridin’ time, so I better start windin' her up.

But for I go, let me jist say thanks ta all the little peeple who had the good sense ta re-elect me twice kawz I dun such a good job on 'em the furst go round. I don't wanna brag on myself too much, but I don't think the Markin people are ever gonna fergit what I dun to ‘em.

•           •           •

[Much of the text in the original is undecipherable; subsequent chapters will be published as translations from the original Crackerese become available; should this post or its creator come up missing, please contact the FBI and the ACLU immediately.]

For a review of the pack of half-truths and out and out lies Bush affixed his name to see The World According to Georpe.

©2010 Tom Cordle