INDIANAPOLIS – While stumping at a VFW hall in the capital of Indiana this afternoon, Republican Vice Presidential candidate and emerging heart-throb Paul Ryan inadvertently left his Iphone on a lectern and departed in a motorcade destined for the Indianapolis airport.
Eloisa Calderón, a member of the facility’s cleaning crew, recovered the phone and hours later handed it over to her supervisor. Before doing so, however, Calderón, a Guatemalan immigrant, forwarded various of its contents to news agencies who were, according to insiders, bored to tears by Ryan’s instant messages with family, friends and colleagues.
This reporter obtained a copy of several messages from Ryan’s Iphone, which are reproduced in their entirety below:
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WillardMitt4U: I can appreciate sarcasm, but let’s give the whole “Stench” thing the heave-ho, mister.
VeepStud2012: Aye aye, Captain Stiff Trousers.
WillardMitt4U: I’m not fooling. I’ve had it up to here with your antics.
VeepStud2012: It’s a cell phone. I can’t see where you’re pointing. Do you mean your neck or your crotch?
WillardMitt4U: Now look here!
VeepStud2012: OMFG! Tamron Hall’s on the phone. Laterz . . .
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DanQ-Indiana: Dont let em presher u into talking about important stuff.
VeepStud2012: Well duh, I know, but how do I get out of it if they ask me about, like, numbers n shit?
DanQ-Indiana: #s arnt important.
DanQ-Indiana: Geez no.
VeepStud2012: Not cool man.
VeepStud2012: “Geez.” It’s short for Jesus and that’s taking his name in vain.
DanQ-Indiana: No dummy, its short for Geezus H Crissmas.
VeepStud2012: Tell me again that you were the Vice President.
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LizaRyan2003: Can Briana and me go 2 da movies
VeepStud2012: What’s playing?
VeepStud2012: Hell no!
LizaRyan2003: Y not
VeepStud2012: Cuz its about foreigners.
LizaRyan2003: Aw come on Dad
VeepStud2012: No way dude.
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ChristieGovJersey: What up Home Skillet?
VeepStud2012: Dude!Keepin’ it real. Sup?
VeepStud2012: Right on
ChristieGovJersey: Right on
VeepStud2012: Kick it tonight
ChristieGovJersey: Darn straight. Where @?
ChristieGovJersey: On it.
VeepStud2012: Peace out.
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BidenRulez: Rofl – you got served.