Night is my battlefield and dreams are my enemies. It has been this way for forty years now and surprising at it might seem, I have grown accustomed to the fight.
For the past twenty years or so I have heard the medical experts bandy about the term: Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It's nice to know they have a name for it now. It is even heartening to know there is now treatments for it out there. Just not for me.
There are many other symptoms of PTSS or PTSD(post traumatic stress Disorder) than just nightmares and over the past forty years I have learned to control them. I no longer flinch and look over my shoulder when I hear an approaching helicopter. I no longer dive for cover when I hear fireworks or any other loud, unexpected noise. The waves of overpowering anger no longer threatens to wash me away.
All of these things I have learned to control, never let out, never see the light of day and I have done it with an iron will. I bury them deep and never let them show. Feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem have been harder to control but I have finally managed, for the most part, to banish them as well.
All that is left is the Night and the Dreams.
It is when I go to bed, when the house is quiet and dark and my resistance is at its lowest that this old enemy attacks. Maybe it is the quiet that triggers it; back there, forty years ago, when it got quiet and the animal and and insect sounds in the night stopped, you went on guard....you were about to be hit and hit hard.
So it is that instead of being on guard, my body lets me down and falls into sleep. That is when the Dreams attack. I can not count the times I have come awake in a panic....drenched in sweat....breathing rapidly, having just been back on the battlefield and locked in battle. There have been times when I awoke to find my hands on my wife's throat while she calmly talks me back to consciousness.
Once I leaped completely over her body and landed on the floor next to the bed. I was crawling toward the door screaming: "IN COMMING, IN-COMING! GET DOWN!"
Now, having said all of this let me just tell you....I don't care anymore. As I said at the beginning, they now have a name for this crap and they even have treatments for it but...so what.
For many men and women, this is a blessing and I applaud it...just not for me. I have my own peculiar take on Vietnam and my personal experiences. I didn't ask to go to war....but I did. I got out alive so as far as I'm concerned me and the government are even. I want nothing from them and I will take care of my problems myself.
Veterans Hospitals can go screw themselves. I was in one once when I didn't have a say in the matter and I will never walk into one again. If I need to have an "Advocate" to help me fight the bureaucracy and get care, then they can keep it....I don't want it.
Many others manage to jump through the hoops and get help and I am happy for them...I just chose not to, thank you.
My country and the different administrations in charge at one time or another have all shown me what they really think of veterans. The day I stepped off the plane back in the World, I was greeted with egg tossing kids yelling and cursing me. As the years passed, political leaders turned a blind eye on those who fought their wars and their problems.
It got to the point where I could not walk down the sidewalks in the city of Houston without seeing dirty, hopeless, beggars some of who had purple hearts and bronze stars attached to dirty field jackets.....yeah, my country cares.
I saw on the news today that President Obama has awarded a unit citation to the survivors of an Army unit for an action they fought back in 1970.
That's nice.
Thirty-nine years after the fact. The commander of that unit had been fighting for seven years to get them some recognition.
I'm happy for them.
It's not for me though. I will fight my fights alone and I will care for my family alone and I will guard Almosta Ranch as my country. The rest of the country can go about their business and do what they want because I don't need them anymore. Understand this...I am not bitter. I am just a poor country boy who, once being stepped upon, will not give a person or government a chance to do it again. "No harm-No Foul" as they say in sports....just play on.
I am sixty years old and have, in all probability, about ten more years left to me so let me finish the fight without any help from The Man. Besides, what would I do if I were cured? Those old enemies in my Dreams have become almost like old friends by now....at least I know what to expect from them....they are always honest.
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Comments
I don't know why I'm telling you this -- perhaps because for my grandfather's sake, I am angry and can empathize with your pain. Thank god you have Melinda and Almosta Ranch. Just getting through the every day is a war in itself.
And I 2nd what wind said. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service to our country.
We are of the same generation, you andf I, though I am older. I was in and out before Nam became a household word. I lost friends over there, had others who came back wounded ... in many different ways. I once employed a tunnel rat; he will never recover from that. My best friend in grade school ... a volunteer ... died 10 days after arriving. He was 25. We were the same age, 20 days apart. There are thousands of stories, each one as significant as the other. You lived them, but thay are ours, too. Because we learn from them.
The bottom line is this: Governments have always used their soldiers as pawns; expendable, sacraficial, collateral that can be damaged as the need arises. Those of us who haven't fought seldom understand what that sacrifice can mean; not at the time. But we learn, and you need to know none of us want people like you to endure what you have. It may have been tough when you came home. But you have our undying gratitude today ... and all the support we can give ... because we've learned. You sacrificed for us, we know it, and we love and respect you for it.
As I reread my post, I was not happy with the tone it held. I did not intend this to be a whiny post or a "Poor Me" post, but I simply wanted to write about a part of my life without judging the actions of others. My wife has been after me to write more about it and to be truthful, as usual, she is right....it helps.
To those of you who were not there, let me be clear about this....I hold no animosity for anyone who was able NOT to go. In fact, I am happy for all of you. This is not about "Us against Them". I just wanted to explain my own admittedly off-beat approach to living with the problem and my feelings about our government.
Again...this was not about blaming anyone or whining and wanting a pat on the back. It is just me trying to put to words some things that have ruled my life for forty years.
I love each of you....thank you for listening.
There's so much power in putting your feelings on paper and especially around here where there's so much love coming back at you. So write all you want in whatever attitude you want. I already feel that I know you well enough to trust you to say something you're feeling and not a bunch of accusations or other crap like we hear from ignoramuses.
Melinda's right! WRITE!
I hope you also know the deep respect I hold you and all your band of brothers in. I salute you and them for the sacrifices you have endured for your country. A country, sadly, that regards troops like equipment: use them till you've used them up, then discard them.
Rated.
C. Burg....I am afraid we will always have war with us. The future children are always on my mind.
Ken...of course I know that you were on the other side back then but it doesn't lessen my respect for you now. Salutes are not needed, my friend...we are standing side by side.
Kyle...You have no idea how glad I am that your brother didn't have to go. I am glad whenever I hear of anyone who didn't have to go to war. Most men such as myself don't really want praise, what we really want is peace of mind.....such a small thing but so hard to find sometimes.
R
you have a lot of courage
Kathy....No. No courage, just an old man who is set in his ways and needs a little peace of mind and soul.
It's incredible to me to remember how young most of you were during that awful war. It breaks my heart.
I hope you have sweet dreams on occasion.
This is a good time to tell you that through your words I have come to know you a little and that I care about you and your family, your wife Mel, your ragtag cluster of hairy beasts that you gently love and care for. You are becoming my friend. I am proud of that. I read some of your posts to my husband so he can know you too. You're a compassionate human being of great character and one of the reasons I'm so glad to have stumbled across OS and somehow wrote a post that you answered and we made an acquaintance.
Once upon a time, you served our country to protect me and mine, all of our countrymen and women, without hesitation. You need to know how much I appreciate and honor your service and sacrifice. And how much, from the bottom of my heart I wish for you health, happiness, peace and quiet and good times.
And not just for you Torman, but since we're talking about veterans, all of you. Those people had no business taking their anger out on you, but at the time, rather than speak honestly to genuine concerns about that "action", our government made it Americans vs Americans. So people took the bait. Five will get you ten, if the opportunity arose, they'd come right up to you and apologize, if they've matured and are not cowards nomatter where they stand on that (or any) war. Wrong then is wrong now but in retrospect, with some years under the belt, we can often see reality and truth a little more clearly.
The government owes you bigtime. It owes all veterans. We all owe you. And we all know it. I wasn't one of those people. Far from it, but I understand what and why. And as pathetic as this may seem, I think we learned something from that period of time, as a country. We learned to cherish our soldiers, to care about them, to see them in clear light as our neighbors, our countrymen and women and our protectors.
I wish the system served you better. But lets face it, at this point in time, it barely serves itself. Being a hope and change kinda gal I hope it changes for the better. I think it's starting to. It may never get radically better, but lets hope. Why not. Doesn't cost anything.
And with that I will say, I'm glad you're up to reading this ridiculously long comment. Feel better my friend. Come back soon.
That line alone speaks volumes. You, my friend, are who you are—with no pretenses or apologies—and I applaud that.
I've always maintained that a prerequisite for our Commander in Chief should be prior military service. Those who have served, along with their families, know all too well the sacrifices that come with the territory. Thank you—for your service to this country and for being who you are.
Peace and blessings...
We get all patriotism mixed up with sentimentality at times, it seems. I respect your take on your service. I believe it fits the times.
Rated.