What a horrible turn of events! My God, I can only take so much before I reach the breaking point and I think I am almost there.
As some of you, who have followed this blog for awhile might know, I have been out of work due to illness for two months now and truthfully, I didn't think it could get any worse that what it gotten....I was wrong.
You see, I own four pair of pants, not counting the dress slacks and sport coat I have hanging up to be buried in. That dear friends, is my problem. A few days ago I got out of bed and took my shower...everything was good. Then I went in and grabbed one of my four pair of pants and pulled them on....BIG TROUBLE.
The damn pants no longer fit. I couldn't button them! Well, hell, the wife must have screwed up the wash and they shrunk. No problem, I just reached in my drawer and pulled out pair #2....SAME DAMN THING!
There I stood, with both hands straining to bring the button in contact with the button hole and there was this space of about an inch or so of chubbiness that just would not allow the two to meet.
Well Shit!
Had to drop back to plan B....I grabbed my baggy warm-up pants and threw them on...what the hell, they were a little snug too! Nothing for it now....I am forced to do what no man should have to endure...I have to go on a DIET!
It has been a week now. A week of no bread, no sugar, no fried foods and worse of all....no PEPSI! Look, I don't care what the health freaks out there try to tell you; man was not meant to live on lettuce leaves and fruit. Hell, if that was the case we would all have four legs and spend our time out in the pasture grazing with the freaking horses!
I have lived my life by certain iron-clad rules....
1. A meal is not a meal without meat....deep fried meat is best, but meat.
2. If at least three pieces of bread isn't within arm's reach, dinner ain't ready yet.
3. Potatoes are the only editable vegetable and potatoes ain't worth a crap without lot's of gravy on top of them. Unless of course the potato is baked, in which case spoonfuls of butter and sour cream are required...cheese too if you got it.
4. A meal without sweet tea or Pepsi is.....well...just not eaten. I don't drink water unless I can intake it in the form of ice cubes over which PEPSI is poured.
All these requirements for living are now absent in my diet. Couple that with the need for exercise and you have a perfect storm. The thing is though, I am finding it easy to get more exercise because after one of those pitiful excuses of a meal I have to eat, I spend hours walking around the house LOOKING FOR SOMETHING EDITABLE.
If this goes on too much longer you will be able to find me out in the pasture with my horses, fighting over some clover!
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Comments
R~~
If you want a diet that rich in carbs, fat and sugar, you have to do hours of heavy labor.
Scanner.....You got that right! It's all her fault. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AHP...at one time in my life that might have been true, now however, all I get is laughed at.
Deborah... if this is the 21st century I think I would be a lot happier in the 19th.
Chuck...they are ditched, but I swear my stomach thinks my throat is cut.
Malusinka....Hi and welcome to my blog. As for hours of heavy labor, well I did that in my youth. Today I am more into ceberal push-ups.
I feel your pain. I should have done a diet a month or two ago, and I usually try to knock off a pound of two before the holidays so I can gain a pound or ten and not feel bad on New Years Day. It's all wrong this year.
Well, being no example to speak of, i can give advice. And first i'd say to try sweet iced tea with made with splenda (which is delicious). broil the meats or pan fry in olive oil and serve them over a salad, hot, which makes the vegetables actually taste good and not like vegetables.
cut back on the grease and step up the exercise. that's what I advise. what i'll do is another story. i'm afraid this year i'm going to the dogs, literally. me and them, just being big hipped bums for a while.
Just me...Do you know how much ridicule I would open myself up to if I did that? My dear, sweet, wife would have a field day.
Mypsyche....Like I said to Just me...my wife would have a field day with that action.
RW....Yeah, I'm thinking procopius is definitly on to something good!
NFCM...I will have to try that trick of slapping the meat on top of the salad, God knows it can't hurt.
Owl...Thanks, but can you mail me a cupcake?
if you have an iphone or blackberry download the loseit! app. It is awesome and will keep you on track. good luck.
My advice -- buy new pants.
R
(OK, whew. I got that off my chest. Now I can say - you named four of my favorite things on the planet. I'm with you, fella!)
John B....Forgive me, it was just my weakened state that caused me to utteer such a nasty word.
Kyle D....Yeah it sucks...but then sucking is a lot like eating...wouldn't mind sucking down some gravy right now.
OM...I am SOOO sorry. I didn't even realize how it looked until I read your comment. The blub stops before I mention the Diet thing. I really do apoloize for scaring you hon.
I COULD SEE THIS PUBLISHED IN A COMMERCIAL MAGAZINE.
Buy new pants - a little chubbiness probably suits you.
Rated. We've all had pants we mourn, for various reasons.
Kathy....Thanks, I may submit it to Chubbies Annoymous for their monthly magazine: "FAT FACTS".
Linda...Heck girl if I could afford new pants I would be happily chubby right now. I just can't afford fat at this time.
Cap'n Parrotdead.....Thanks for understanding but how about fixing a brother up with a few candy bars.
Umbrellakinesis....Yeah, the Cap'n nailed it pretty well didn't he.
Strawberry.....The Pepsi is the hardest part of the diet, I love that stuff.
Ken.....You better stay away from my clover patch dude, I might sic the goats on ya!
skeletnwmn....LOL! Yeah and I'm still puffing on those things too. As for the gravy, well that is just the elixer of life for an old country boy.
Ger...I hope that day is a long way off for you. The pain of doing without my favorite belly-wash is intense.
OM....Well I'm happy we got that straightend out cause in reality I am all about silly....love to make people smile.
This made me laugh!
Hang in there Torman...
:-)
http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/info/caloriesburned.html
;)
Though, I've not gone the whole hog and dropped meat - what are you, crazy?! BBQ tomorrow for lunch follwed by dinner out at Tony Romas tomorrow night....mmmmmmm
Ooops... sorry Tor. :P
Scientists believe that eating meat had more to do with us growing a larger brain than anything else. Some will tell you we've wasted that advantage and that's hard to argue with, too.
I'd share a meal with you anytime, though I have noticed my pants getting snugger since I've been out of work, too. Shit!