The Internet is full of blogs lamenting the onset of old age, the loss of mobility, the waves of various aches and pains, and the general loss of precious Time in our lives. TV is full of adds for all sorts of products meant to ward off the effects of time on the human body, creams and lotions whose only purpose is to hide the effects of decades of living on our faces and bodies.

Bull Hockey!

Every morning I wake up with a whole new set of aches and pains. Every day I notice a reduction in the speed and sureness of my step. Every night I notice how the cold weather effects my body and bones…a little more each night, making it harder and harder to find sleep.

Well I’m here to tell you it ain’t all bad, bucko. Nope, I have learned to welcome the ravages of old age. Acceptance can be a good thing, you know. There are so many things in life that a younger man might stress over that no longer bother me at all and here are a few examples…

1. Dieting and eating healthy….Fuggetaboutit! Up until I was fifty two years old I weighted exactly ten pounds more than I did when I was twenty and in the best shape of my life. Then, shortly after turning fifty-three I suddenly acquired the metabolic rate of a dead slug and everything I ate and drank…including water…turned to fat and my body began to broaden, and soften and my pants size began its upward climb faster than the price of gas at the pump. At first I was dismayed by this cruel turn of events then after thinking about it, I realized this was only a natural event. No matter what I ate, it was going to converted, instantly, to fat which would locate itself in the region of my waist. You have no idea how freeing that realization is. If it was all gonna turn into fat then why worry with the health food….Pass the pork chops and taters. Throw some gravy on the whole mess and give me two extra biscuits! Acceptance is Good!

A friend once chided me, stating that if I were to eat healthier I could possibly add ten or fifteen years to my life. What? Now why in the hell would I want to live fifteen years longer than my “sell by” date? No thank you. I am content to check out early and leave the rest of you mutts to deal with the mess we’ve made of this country and this world. I am happy to die fat and happy!

2. The Opposite Sex…..Sex? What? Only kidding…my memory isn’t that bad yet. It’s just that now, when encountering a member of the Fair Sex, I am no longer a slave to that whole male/female ritual mating dance we seem genetically cursed to endure. Nope, now at this advanced age, I am afforded the wonderful freedom of looking until my heart’s content, admiring a lady’s beauty, without ever having to worry about where it’s going to lead. I LOVE IT! Being an old guy around beautiful young women is much like the dog who always chases cars….he loves to chase em but he don’t have a clue what he would do if he actually caught one.

It is also great not to be taken seriously by those same beautiful thangs. Let’s face it, I was born and raised in Texas where flirting is a way of life. Back in my younger days flirting brought on a whole set of concerns….like having to eventually make good on all that big talk. Not now. No siree, now I find myself in the enviable position of the ladies never taking me seriously. No matter what might fall out of my mouth, they just smile and say: “Oh you are sooo cute.” Yeah baby, that’s me…cute.

I swear I can’t walk into my old store from which I retired without being surrounded by these little cuties who insist on hugging me and giving me kisses on the cheek…what’s not to love? I relish getting all this attention without ever having to bring one home and then having to explain to Mel…. “ It’s not my fault honey, she just followed me home. Can we keep it???

So you see, there is a silver lining to this whole aging cloud that hangs over all of us. We are afforded the opportunity to stop stressing and just accept it…we’re older than dirt, our bodies are mere shadows of the lovely selves they once were as are our abilities. So relax, smile, and enjoy the “Golden years”. Nobody likes a grumpy-Gus anyway.