In the 2008 Presidential Election, almost 60 percent of white males cast their ballot for Senator John McCain.  

This behavior seems puzzling at first. For the prior eight years, the Republicans had waged an illegal war, sanctioned torture and violated the Geneva Conventions at Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib then destroyed the economy and added $4 trillion dollars to the national debt for good measure.

With a track record like that, only a crazy person would vote for a Republican.  So does that mean three out of every five white men you meet on the street are candidates for the asylum?

Hardly.

But before I continue, please answer me these questions three:

1. Why did you marry your spouse?
2. Why did you buy a dog?
3. Why did you choose your career?

The answer is all three made you feel good about yourself. And that is why we white men overwhelmingly vote for Republicans. 

Wrong.

Now don't get me wrong, the average guy would love to be Wilt Chamberlain and bang 20,000 different women but in reality the median number of sex partners for a man is only seven. Considering we men live to be 75 on average, that's a helluva lot of rejection to be dealing with for a helluva lot of years.

Republicans masterfully turned sexual rejection from a flaw into a virtue.  Did you feel like the last American virgin growing up? No problem. That just means you're better than everyone else.  When the cool guys at your high school are burning in hell for their fornication, you will be trading melodies on the harp with the angels up in heaven.

Did you not crack the books hard enough to get into the Ivy League School of your choice? No problem.  Blame Affirmative Action.

Can't find a job? Again, not your fault. Blame the lazy Mexicans for taking all the good jobs.

Worried about the national debt?  Again, we're blameless for starting illegal trillion dollar wars while simultaneously lowering taxes. Nope, it's all the fault of those black welfare queens milking the system and driving around in their fancy Cadillacs smoking the weed they traded straight up for their food stamps.

See how it works now?  We white men are really not that different from anyone else: we do what makes us feel good inside. 

So what happens when a white man crosses the Rubicon and joins the Democrats? Admittedly, it can be a real downer at first.

Can't get laid? You're a loser because everything is permissible between consenting adults as long as you wear a rubber.

Can't get into that Ivy League school? Tough shit. You weren't complaining fifty years ago when you didn't even let African-Americans attend the same schools as you.

Can't get a job?  Do you really want to be bent over in the strawberry patch all day with those Mexicans you just called lazy? 

Worried about the national debt? You're the one who voted for the guy who got us into this mess. Twice.

See why we Democrats can't seem to gain any traction with the white guys now? We blame them for everything.

So why am I a Democrat if my own party treats me so harshly? Because,  let's face it, my people did cause the mess we're in right now. And it's kind of hard to sidestep that whole 200 years of slavery issue, too.

I converted to the Democratic Party because I found conservatism to be intellectually dishonest. After I became sexually active and had my first broken condom scare, abortion did not seem that wrong to me anymore. Then Time ran their historic expose on corporate welfare and I began to realize our CEOs were the real welfare queens.

So I gave up the Republican chocolate cake for the Democratic rice cake and I am a better man for it.

Is there hope for the rest of my white brothers?

I can't speak for all of them but I can tell you this: we won by 9 million votes without their support and white men will become even more superfluous as the years unfold. By 2050, we'll get to know what it feels like to be a minority.

Treat us better than we treated you.

Please.