Women, does your husband seem bored in the bedroom? Has his sex drive diminished and the amount of dirty socks you find in the hamper increased accordingly since you got broadband?
Let me tell you a secret. He’s disinterested because monogamy does not work when the wonders of virtual sex await mere feet away on the home computer. How can you possibly compete with teenage redheads in pigtails or MILF in combat gear?
Admittedly there are several ways to level the playing field but is your sphincter pliable enough to do everything porn actresses must do to keep their audiences aroused? Let me tell you girlfriend, there’s a lot more to debate than spit or swallow nowadays.
Not only has unlimited porn made life difficult on the ladies but on us men as well. Porn sparked our imaginations but without a concurrent rise in courage, you wind up with a generation of frustrated guys wondering what the best way to broach the threesome question to their wives and girlfriends is.
An American Sex Survey by ABC News bears out my observations. Forty percent of Americans would like their partners to be more adventurous in the bedroom while less than half of Americans over 40 felt confident enough to share their fantasies with their partners.
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Life was not always this way. Porn used to be so difficult to get a hold of that all of us guys remembered our first time. Mine was with Mickey Rourke and Carré Otis. No, it’s not what you think. Mickey was never the Michael Jackson type; he’s always been more into Chihuahuas than threesomes with 12 year-old boys.
I meant my first sex scene.
Every Thursday night, my parents went out to dinner and right after I saw dad’s red truck leave the driveway, I’d flip to the Pay-Per-View channel for the free five minute preview. I always looked forward to the Mickey Rourke flicks because you knew you’d be seeing some nipples right away.
The intricacies of masturbation confused me back then. I’d unzip my pants and stare at my hard-on because mom had me convinced I’d go blind if I touched myself. Since I already had coke-bottle lenses, I didn’t have much eyesight left to gamble away so I kept my hands to myself.
Amazingly, this was only 20 years ago. Compare that with today where any twelve year-old boy can view acts once only witnessed by Led Zeppelin roadies. Imagine what kind of effect YouPorn on demand must have on our youth?
Some argue that porn is good for kids because it demystifies sex but I beg to differ. I think porn ruins sex for everyone, adults included.
Like wealth, sex does not trickle down. There are just as many geeks today who can’t get dates as there were 50 years ago. The only difference is the geeks today know explicitly what they are missing and that increases their bitterness.
Take the blow job for instance. My friends and I at the lunch table in junior high used to argue whether the blow job was real or an urban legend. It struck us as gross, having a cock in one's mouth. After all, you could shake that thing like a Polaroid picture and there would still be rivulets of urine that would remain after a piss. We ultimately decided it was a myth, like gerbiling.
Today, of course, the blow job is as common a form of greeting as a handshake at most college sororities. No wonder school shootings are on the rise when a large segment of the student body is not invited to join in this sexual bacchanal.
The middle class of sexually active teens lose out as well. In my day, you were a big shot if you did it missionary. Today, that’s just lame.
Porn has turned sex into just another capitalistic competition: it's all about keeping up with the Jones' and getting all the sexual favors you envision your neighbor enjoying. Much like unfettered capitalism made housewives think they needed a massive SUV to safely make trips to the supermarket and back, porn has turned desires into needs and made us fantasize about things we never even considered before.
The rise of porn has objectified us all. First teens, then mothers; could grandmothers be next? I don't know about you but Helen Mirren is starting to look pretty good to me right about now.
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Still, that pic of Helen Mirren is definitely worth storing in the spank bank.
To make matters worse, porno mags 20 years ago used to put a black dot over the penis when they showed fellatio, which gave further credence that the blow job was mere urban legend.
Lonnie Lazar: I have to agree with you there. Unlike Sophia Loren, who looked like a dolled up corpse w/ way too much make-up at the Oscars, the 63 year-old Mirren looks pretty damn fuckable! I wouldn't kick her out of bed, that's for sure. She was the only thing worth seeing in the latest National Treasure movie too.
Gus Sanchez: I think most guys start using porn because they can't get the real thing when they're young. Then later on they get addicted to it and eventually prefer it over real sex.
MTodd: You make some good points. There's what a dozen or so sexual acts and positions you can do? Eventually you run out of new things and get bored with sex altogether, just like you write.
Good read. Rated. Dugg.
Looking back, that mag was actually tame by today's standards. They used black dots to cover up all the good stuff! :)
Sex is nothing new, and all of it existed before the Internet generation. And yes, it is good to have it demistifyed so we can pay attention to what matters in a relationship: communication, emotional closeness, and intimacy in its every form.
I do think we're going to wind up with a warped generation of kids. Teenage girls wearing "porn star" shirts and lining up for Jenna Jameson book signings? What's this world coming to?
Smithery: And don't forget the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. It gave us losers w/o girlfriends something to look forward to every February. Kathy Ireland was always my favorite. Unfortunately I'm a little too young to remember the Christie Brinkley covers.
"How do you explain my generation? The disparity between fantasy and reality for most people, is, as you say, due to the fact that partners are inhibited from copping to what they want in bed. That problem existed before internet porn."
In addition to porn, I blame the Christian religion for condemning all sex outside of marriage and in the case of Catholicism, basically all sex not intended for procreation. When you grow up in a shame-based culture that treats sex as dirty, it's going to be hard to open up to your partner, no matter what generation you were raised in or how much porn you watch.
You would probably love amateur porn. There's a lot of that to be found. And I'm sure you could find grandma porn if you look hard enough. :)
;)
That having been said, we do occasionally enjoy porn. My wife and I like to watch it together. She has a special fondness for heterosexual anal porn. My partner likes a wide range of stuff, and finds most heterosexual porn "interesting" - he can enjoy it, as long as the men are attractive.
I don't find pornography harmful in the slightest. Nor do I think it's ruining sex. I think people whose sex lives suck would pretty much have shitty sex lives with or without porn. At least, that's been my experience in the world.
Porn is just one of many ways to enjoy sex, alone or with a partner. It certainly hasn't "ruined" sex for me. Going on nearly a decade of marriage and I'm still making love to the same woman nearly every day. (And usually finding time for multiple loves in a day. Nope, no harm from porn done here, unless it made my sex life TOO fantastic... hmm.)
You wrote:
"The intricacies of masturbation confused me back then. I’d unzip my pants and stare at my hard-on because mom had me convinced I’d go blind if I touched myself. Since I already had coke-bottle lenses, I didn’t have much eyesight left to gamble away so I kept my hands to myself."
Imagine if you had a sex-positive mother who taught you that masturbation was normal, if something to be kept private.
That would have done more to improve your sex life than any amount of viewing or abstaining from porn. She taught you early on that those parts were dirty, evil, and wrong.
It's a wonder people in our country aren't MORE screwed up.
I think a fun fact is this - rape rates are highest in states where pornography is most restricted. I'll see if I can find a link to that recently done study...
http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=913013
http://www.impactlab.com/2008/01/06/internet-porn-shown-to-decrease-incidence-of-rape/
There are more for those willing to do the research. As an ENFP, I'm bored and ready to move on now. ;)
I consider you one of the wealthy few who may have actually benefited from porn. Unfortunately women as open-minded as your wife are hard to find, especially for an INFP like myself. I was writing this post for the rest of us guys who are not as lucky as you.
I can understand that women don't like it, even if a lot of the babes in porn are enhanced.
But I don't see porn as being a factor in weakening a marriage. It was probably weak for other reasons first.
A guy in a solid marriage knows how to use porn as a positive. My wife doesn't know that I wrote an entire book about how to spy on babes at home and how I spend as much time as possible looking down tops, jeans, shorts, and skirts in hopes of seeing the body of every attractive babe out there. True, I'm keeping a "secret" from her.
But she also doesn't know how my having seen some hottie's boobs earlier in the day gets me even more excited to be with my wife at night and adds to my zest for her. She knows I like to look down her shirt, too, and that's important.
So porn, or in my case what I see for real with the (pun intended) naked eye, enhances my marriage - rather than distract from it.
There is also what I consider the positive impact of the age of porno. Those of you who are a bit older can appreciate as much as I do how much more skin the babes show today compared with years ago. It never used to be common to see cleavage at the work place and babes in school with butt crack coming out of their jeans when they sit down. That is a wonderful thing!
I think porn is more consumed by men on average. based on evo-psych principles in which their arousal is more triggered by visual stimulii.
yes, humans suffer a modern, recent porn glut due largely to cyberspace. even playboy is slowly/almost going out of business over the glut.
but, those that have the problem that they prefer porn over relationships will not end up breeding-- it is not a heritable characteristic. so yes, I think this is the 1st generation who is confronting the problem, but there is also a case to be made, it may be the last.
porn seems to be an extreme form of modern advertising/marketing. even mild forms of the latter still contain what might be called mild-core porn images to sell beer or whatever. yes, the # of ads that ppl are bombarded with daily has massively increased .. this ties into a general "datasmog" & info overload problem. no question. & arguably it takes the more extreme form in porn.
fyi I have a post on my blog, "why I hate [female] beauty" that talks about evo-psych. substitute "porn" everywhere for "beauty" in the essay & article and the argument basically still follows.
"Porn has turned sex into just another capitalistic competition: it's all about keeping up with the Jones' and getting all the sexual favors you envision your neighbor enjoying. Much like unfettered capitalism made housewives think they needed a massive SUV to safely make trips to the supermarket and back, porn has turned desires into needs and made us fantasize about things we never even considered before. "
there is a term for this in evolution science called a "red queen race". it indeed happens in all kinds of species and very arguably, humans. the concept is not widespread but it deserves to be. matt ridley [forget name of book at moment] is a very good author on the subj. yes, porn is very likely a red queen race. along with other similar red queen races-- advertising, celebrities, marketing, etc
"but, those that have the problem that they prefer porn over relationships will not end up breeding-- it is not a heritable characteristic."
Fatal flaw in your logic. Fatal, fatal flaw.
"But, those men that prefer having sex with other men will not end up breeding - thus, being gay is not a heritable characteristic."
How does that sound to you? Not all relationships end up with children. Since I'm fairly sure homosexuality has been around since... well, since we've been recording sexuality, at least - why is it still here? Doesn't seem like something that would lend itself to being inherited by the next generation, now does it? A condition of human personality or biology that pretty much leaves you childless by design?
And yet... all those gays still persist... maybe something more is going on than inherited characteristics. Hmm...
"I consider you one of the wealthy few who may have actually benefited from porn. Unfortunately women as open-minded as your wife are hard to find, especially for an INFP like myself. I was writing this post for the rest of us guys who are not as lucky as you."
I think there are more open minded women and more "lucky" guys out there than you might first think... It's a matter of knowing how to ask for what you want and not being afraid to do so. Male or female, it tends to work - knowing what you want and then asking for/working for it.
And then, yes, there is the luck factor.
One of the problems that Porn communicates is that great sex is just accumulation of sex positions. What is missing is relationship, commitment, growth as an individual and as a couple.
Our society and the media has pushed teens to enter into sexual relationships at an earlier and earlier age. With access to Porn, the mechanics are provided, the hormones are their, but what is missing is maturity. A 15 year old may know all the ins and outs of oral sex, but that does not mean they should be doing it.
The social trend has been reversed in this country in less than a generation. 50 years ago the average age of singles entering into marriage was between 20-24. Now the average age is 28-32 before young adults consider marriage and a life long commitment. As the average of first sexual experience is moving downward with the number of sexual partners moving upward a growing segment of the young adult population is unable or unwilling to form lasting long-term relationships.
The question, is Porn the symptom or in part the cause of the trend. What does the future hold for this society if the next generation does not grow up?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE9IchvpOPk&feature=fvst
http://open.salon.com/blog/bobbyg/2009/06/16/to_my_wife
And, LOL, she knows I got a serious Jones for Helen Mirren (in principle). But, then, she's a Lance Armstrong groupie (in principle).
Educating children will help to dispel the myth surrounding porn and let them treat it for what it is: a bit of fluff to wank to.
Dude. ...The things you DON'T know. I'm just saying. And that's ALL I'm saying.
Female porn actresses can't be taken too seriously, with all that fake moaning and groaning. It's actually funny, not erotic. And I can't think of much in porn that I either haven't done or am not willing to do if my partner (or partners, should that be on the agenda) want me to. In fact, now that I think about it, maybe I just haven't seen enough porn, but the only time I saw something in a porno that was off-putting or made me go "Eww! No way!" involved two girls and a cup. And if that's what turns guys on, I want no part of it, anyway.
Still, thanks for the look into the male mind. Your post makes me feel bad for all the frustrated wives out there, longing for romance and hot sex when all their husbands want is to jack off to some anime pubescent sexpot with EEE tits and an 18" waist.
And, frankly, most of the men in porn just skeeve me out. I mean, any industry where Ron Jeremy can become a success...
Those who blame shame are on the right track, I think. I know a grown woman who has never let her husband see her naked or even without makeup, and they have never had sex with the lights on. That is the kind of thing that ruins sex and relationships, imho.
Rated.
So let ne just add this: Porn, even as little of it as I have seen, is OMNI in its scope. Just start from that recognition, and go from there. Or to convey the same understanding, take this:
Think of a concrete category, any category (say, animal, plant, or inanimate object); then, think of a sub-category within your chosen category, however granular or... gross (I'm playing with words a little here, indulge me); finally, imagine some general human interaction with an entity, any entity, within your chosen sub-category... Got that?
Well, they have that interaction out there in porn-land. Trust me, whatever that 'thing' is, they're doing it, and it's out there for your consumption, in porn-land. That's what is meant by "omni", and porn is omni. So teens, mothers, grandmothers? How about millipedes, amputee midgets, lint? Yes, lint, I said. It's out there.
;-)
thank you, Travis, for a mental image that will keep me giggling randomly for at least a day or two....
Rrrrrrrated!
as for the rest of your blog - yeah, I think porn ruins sex by how it messes with expectations. Who can live up to it? I recently heard a young local radio personality talk about how the acts in porn have gotten so extreme that he considers it "stunt porn" and doesn't even find it that arousing any more.
"What I meant to communicate is that I think most porn -- even amateur stuff -- is too phony, too manufactured and too empty to be of lasting interest. But maybe that's the difference in the sexes. Men seem to need no context in sex, but women do (or at least this one does, even if it's just a brief hello)."
as well as what she said about finding it funny. What I've seen was just too ludicrous to be taken seriously and too artificial to be arousing. It just made me laugh or feel bored.
But there are hot scenes in good non-porn movies that turn me on, because there's decent writing, acting and directing. That's true for most het women I know - we want a story, and characters who seem real that we can care about.
For example: "The only difference is the geeks today know explicitly what they are missing and that increases their bitterness."
As a geek who had to struggle to find porn, I can say that I did in fact, knew then as much as the geeks today know now. Porn didn't make me bitter because I found out what I was missing out on, the lack of interested parties because I didn't fit the status quo did.
Not fashionable? Like Star Trek? Not athletic? You're definitely not getting laid. In fact, you're not only not considered someone who's on the bottom of the romantic interest food chain, but often a target for ridicule. Did that make me bitter as a 15 year old? Damned straight.That has a lot more to do with plain old vanilla media and capitalism than it does pornography. At least the blurry cinemax people can't insult you when you smile at them or check them out.
"Porn has turned sex into just another capitalistic competition: it's all about keeping up with the Jones' and getting all the sexual favors you envision your neighbor enjoying. Much like unfettered capitalism made housewives think they needed a massive SUV to safely make trips to the supermarket and back, porn has turned desires into needs and made us fantasize about things we never even considered before."
While I agree with this in a big way - it does help continue the transformation of all things into capitalist competition. But sex (especially when it comes to younger people) has always been a competition. There's a reason why phrases like "notches on a bedpost" have existed for quite some time.
At the end of the day, our whole culture is still immature when it comes to sex. That's the duality of porn - at least it makes people out there who do have desires beyond the missionary position for procreation feel like they're not alone.
She said that everything she does on film has been done before.
And then she proceeded to show old porn. There was one French black and white film where a guy and a girl are getting it on, and then a guy sees them.
I know what you're thinking. He takes off his clothes and then it's a threesome, right? Or, since it was a French porn, a menage a trois.
Well, you're right. But not like you think
The third person comes in and buggers the man. He gets off, and he leaves.
Then you ask, “Women, does your husband seem disinterested in the bedroom?”
My question is this: Has porn ruined your ability to grasp simple grammatical concepts?