JUNE 19, 2009 7:53AM

The Open Salon 1st Annual Father's Day Awards

Rate: 15 Flag

Most Prolific Father: Travis Henry

The former Tennessee Titan is the proud papa of eleven little bundles of joy by ten different women. The star running back is currently jailed for failing to pay his $17,000 a month child support bills. He is also facing federal cocaine trafficking charges. The loving father told ESPN's Outside the Lines he would do anything for his kids but drew the line at "being in the house with them." And apparently, paying child support too.

Travis Henry with six of his 11 kids

Most Generous Father: Ralph Guastaferro

Mr. Guastaferro bought his beloved daughter Alicia a 2008 Chevy Tahoe for New Year's . . .  a car she's not even old enough to drive for another year. The SUV was only one gift out of 364 because every day is  Christmas in the Guastaferro household. Her father Ralph defends the daily gift giving and the Christmas Tree they keep up year round: "But she's our only child. It's like she's wonderful. She brings a lot of life you know. It keeps us young."

The family appeared on a 2008 edition of Wife Swap where they admitted to spending a $100,000 a year to keep their daughter looking gorgeous on the beauty pageant circuit.  Mr. Guasteaferro defends the practice, saying: "You don't have to be beautiful to do well in life, but it sure helps." While some contend to spoil a child is to ruin a child, Alicia generously sympathizes for those less gorgeous than herself.

Creepiest Father: tie between Joe Simpson & Hulk Hogan

Music manager Joe Simpson seems unusually fascinated with his daughter Jessica's breasts, once excitedly exclaiming in an interview: “She’s got double-D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!” The former minister has also been selling paparazzi shots he takes of his own daughters through an exclusive deal with WireImage. The shots include racy images of his daughters Ashlee and Jessica at purportedly private family getaways.

As for Hulk Hogan, I'll let the picture speak for itself:

hulk-bikini-lotion

Cruelest Father: Ivan the Terrible

The sixteenth century Russian tsar earned his Terrible moniker with his treatment of his heir Ivan Ivanovich. The tsar physically assaulted his pregnant daughter-in-law for her manner of dress, to which his son gallantly took offense: "You sent my first wife to a convent for no reason, you did the same with my second, and now you strike the third, causing the death of the son she holds in her womb. "In a pique of rage, Ivan the Terrible struck his son with a sceptre.  The younger Ivan briefly regained consciousness and said "I die as a devoted son and most humble servant."

 Not Father of the Year:


 Father of the Year: Boomer Esiason

The former Cincinnati Bengals quarterback formed the Boomer Esiason Foundation shortly after his then two year old son Gunnar was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis--a life-threatening disease that causes mucus to build up and clog some of the organs in the body, particularly in the lungs and pancreas. Over the last 16 years, the foundation has raised $55 million for the 30,000 sufferers of cystic fibrosis. When Gunnar was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis in 1993, the median age of life expectancy was 19. Today it is 36 and those with the disease live fuller and more comfortable lives, as exemplified by the seventeen year-old Gunnar, who is today the quarterback of his Locust Valley, New York high school football team.

BoomerSIcover

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Comments

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Brilliant--and ending on a high note.
AtHomePilgrim and Cat: Thanks for commenting. There is a great 2 minute video of the Wife Swap girl here:

http://tinyurl.com/27lj7b

Unfortunately, I was unable to embed that video here and had to go with the long one.
Loved the last one!
Nice mix of the ridiculous and the sublime.
"He'll do anything for his kids, except be in the house with them." (I paraphrase) Great line! Fun and funny post. (Rated)
Kaysong, Jeanette and JK Brady: thanks for commenting.

Roger: The sad thing is that's an actual quote from Henry!

Anyways, be sure to click on Travis Henry and Boomer Esiason's bold hyperlinked names for a surprise.
this is a wonderful witty piece and deserves more attention.
Ben_Sen: Thanks for your kind remark. Comments like yours are what keep me posting here.
Great post.
And Happy Father's Day to all OS fathers, and to all our fathers, good and bad. We can think the best and hope for better and forgive what we can and be grateful for the good.
LeaLane: You make a great point. Today should be a day of both forgiveness and thanks.
Your post moves across the fatherhood spectrum, reminding us that it takes all kinds. While we can laugh at a lot of them, today is a day to celebrate all that being a father means, and your inclusion of Boomer Esiason is reminder of the power of fatherhood. Thanks.