Honesty is the best policy.
It is a cliche you hear spewed everywhere, from Oprah to the pages of Cosmo. Even omissions are treated as lies by these honesty junkies. But is an open, honest relationship in which you share everything with your partner really such a good idea?
The director Bobcat Goldthwait reminds us of why sometimes it is best to let Sleeping Dogs Lie in his 2006 film of the same name. After being goaded by her fiancé, the film's heroine reluctantly reveals her darkest secret.
The result? As you might expect, the fiancé did not cotton to the idea that the pooch got more head than him at first. But being a typical guy, what first repulsed him then attracted him. Naturally, he wanted to see her do it again.
The moral, at least for the women in the audience, is clear: unless you're willing to give that kink you told us about another try, don't go telling us about it in the first place.
My own wife kisses our Golden Retriever on the snout every night before bed. Does it go any further than that? I'm on a need to know basis and this is one thing I do not need to know.
Apparently I am alone in this opinion. Confessing sexual secrets has degenerated into a high stakes game of poker. "I'll raise your ménage à trois with a gangbang." Have the three little letters TMI forever lost their meaning? As long as you've had your rabies shots, why should it be anyone's business but your own who or what you slept with?
I came of age during the nineties when it was commonly understood that you lied about sex. We all knew President Clinton lied when he proclaimed "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky" but we didn't care because back then because we did it too. Clinton's approval ratings actually hit an all-time high right after the scandal broke.
Lying helped me lose my virginity at the ripe old age of 22. When my partner asked about my sexual past, I told her I had been with half a dozen women. Sex is like surgery; do you really want to be operated on by a fresh-faced surgeon straight out of medical school or be boned by a guy whose only partner sprung a leak?
Did my lie hurt anyone? No, in fact it benefited both parties. A committed virgin will outperform a lazy Lothario every time in the bedroom. In the buildup to my first time, I trained like Rocky getting ready for Apollo Creed, only I chose Missy Elliot's (I Don't Want No) Minute Man and Mandelay over Eye of the Tiger and HGH as my theme music and performance enhancing drugs of choice. I slid under the sheets for my first time as a well-lubricated, tantric fucking machine. Like Peter North, I could delay my ejaculations indefinitely. Try getting that level of commitment from any rock star save Sting!Obviously if you're carrying around more STDs than a med student with a petri dish, do share. But if you got bored one afternoon in 1992, when the only thing you could find on TV were Saved By the Bell and Duck Tales reruns, and the bulldog started looking mighty appealing . . .
Well, keep that one to yourself.
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Comments
Honesty is NOT always the best policy in marriage and even friendship. Not the little things that will become big and harm no one being left unknown. With the exception of STD's as you say. That falls under "NEED TO URGENTLY THE FUCKING KNOW!"
(I don't like that term. "Losing it" makes it seem as if I was careless and left it in the back of a cab or something.)
Mine was the result of a lie on my part as well. A 22 year old virgin almost has the God-given right to lie to get some trim.
But LYING could be a huge deal breaker for some. Especially in matters of SEX. Ouch!
Tom Cordle: Thanks for the compliment. I don't have the stomach to actually watch the movie either. I heard Bobcat discuss it on a podcast though and I liked how he took our tell-all culture to its logical extreme.
littlewillie: You make a good point. I had a Chasing Amy moment with an ex-gf who apropos of nothing confessed her threesome to me. I may pretend to be a liberal guy but her confession had the same effect on me as it did on Ben Affleck in the movie.
Gwool: Yep, it's hard to imagine anyone doing it for seven hours at a time on a regular basis. Sex is like pizza. One slice is fantastic but after four or five you just get sick of it.
Cat: And the world would be a much better place for it . . .
Chuck: I am envious! I was born thirty years too late.
KOB: I agree. Unless you're discussing the Bush White House, secrecy is not necessarily a bad thing.
Owl: Thanks! You're the first to notice my absence. I've been too busy making money on Amazon to write much lately.
AsianShoeBox: Yep, after playing by the rules we 22 year-old virgins earn the right to tell a white lie now and then to level the playing field.
Beth: I hate that diner scene! Now I can never tell if I give a woman real or fake orgasms. I'm like hmmm . . . am I good or is "When Harry Met Sally" just her favourite movie?
Anyhoo, this is tricky for me as I like to be upfront about sex, but that is where "knowing your partner" comes in. If you have a desire that YOU KNOW your partner wouldn't be open to, then its best to let it go until you and your other half can be honest without judgement.
That's not TMI. That's TFI. Time For Institutionalization.
Incandescent: I like your "don't ask, don't tell" policy. In the past, I've always been stuck with the big mouths who feel compelled to share every detail of the sex lives, whether I want to hear about it or not.
Salonik: I give her a good-night kiss BEFORE she kisses the dog, just to be on the safe side.
Sirenta: I agree about the celebrity sex angle. The whole David Letterman confession on national TV just seemed too weird. It was like having your dad sit you down and tell you he's been cheating on mom.
Plus the thought of the gap-toothed Letterman actually having sex . . . again it's not the image I want in my head.
Hillenoz: Sorry about your husband. I just don't understand why so many people think confessing weird sexual encounters from years ago will strengthen a relationship. If anything, I think you would start to look at the person in a different light and it would weaken things.
Eva: My wife was a virgin also when we got together and lied about it as well.
I wouldn't want to do business with you in any way .....
Flashback: sitting with a couple of friends talking about this unpleasant topic, and both the, um, penetration of a cat and of a sheep were mentioned. I begin to say "Well, at least with a sheep..." intending to finish with the observation that the damage to the victim animal would be less. But I never get to, because F. cuts me off with "Dude, no sentence on this topic should begin with "at least with a sheep..."
Sorry... No. There is nothing more useless than an unexpected male virgin.
"" A committed virgin will outperform a lazy Lothario every time in the bedroom."
Sorry... No. There is nothing more useless than an unexpected male virgin."
I met my Mrs. Robinson at age 18 and I may have been useless, but, at age 18, only for 3 or 4 minutes.
Those who can, do, those who can't, teach. In this case - the tweak - if you can do then teach - virgins are only 'useless' if you don't know what to do with them :D.