Ding Dong the witch is dead! She left, and of her own accord. Yeah at first it hurt... stooopid pride. I moped around for a while not knowing yet that the best thing that could have ever happened to me had happened.

   My son approached me one day and asked "Dad, what's the matter?". I was bummed that she had snuck off one night under the guise of running up to the store or some such shit... never to return. TrigX continued thusly. " Danget Dad, can't you see how peaceful it is around here now? We have it made!"

   I had to admit that he had a point. Peace on earth had settled on our house like a calming angel. No more tip toeing around, trying to avoid the inevitable blowups that were prone to happen at the drop of a pin, or a phone call from a friend who she viewed as competition, or, or, or..... No more Jerry Springer and Judge Judy on the TV.

   So that day, after hearing those wise words from the mouth of the son, the only good thing that came from our otherwise unholy union, I let it all go. She was a habit. A bad habit, yes... the hardest kind to break. 

   Peace on earth was fleeting though! No sooner than this new mindset had taken hold the two headed monster appeared.

   She had allied herself with a paranoid schizophrenic pyschopath dude (like attracts like?) that we both had known forever. He had (still has I assume) long stringy hair, a gapped front set of teeth, an aversion to water, and a long history as a super stalker. Also McGyver like mechanical abilities, and a long rap sheet. As smart as can be but with a twisted deranged mind; and loves firearms.

   I had enlisted TrigX that summer as an indentured servant: practically free labor for deck constructions (I payed him 50 bucks a day or so and the rest went to room and board). After not hearing a thing from his Mom in forever we returned home after a hard days work on a hot summer day to find the front door partially open. 

   We had been burgled by his Momma and McGyver Jr. who had jimmied a window (locks had been all changed). 1995 stratocaster, gone. All the other guitars too. Keys to the boat. The glass coffee table. Every single bit of food from the cabinets and refrigerator, gone, including an unopened 30 pack of beer. Even all the spices. Even the silverware. My fucking bed! And lo and behold she had found the box of checks, the ones with her name on them too, and blazed a trail to every grocery store, Walmart, Lowes and elsewhere on a check writing spree. $1200 plus dollars total, signing MY name to all the checks and on an account that had like five bucks in it.

   The peace was shattered and the war begun. 

   Not long after that Mr. stinky gap tooth called me on my cell phone. I answered, hoping to bait him into a meeting with me and my nine iron but he hung up immediately. Then I heard X's phone ring. He was downstairs playing vid games or something. A few seconds later he walked up, white as a proverbial ghost with his lower lip quivering. "Dad, that was Don. He said that he just killed Mom and now he's on his way over here to kill you and burn our house down."

   Of course I called the police. I knew the address where they resided down on Strawberry Hill, a place she had rented using the money she had collected from our rental properties just before she disappeared.

   I actually believed that he had killed her. But no... an hour later she called and asked why I had called the police who had just ransacked her house. Gappy McGyver was in the shower (fixing it. NOT getting clean) when they arrived and played it off like we had made a false report.

   It doesn't end there folks, oh no, not even close. Many a harrowing tale to be told.

   Neither the ex or Mcgyver Jr. worked. How she talked her way into that rental house is beyond me. They broke up but apparently one day, soon before she was evicted she heard some strange noises in her attic and called the police, as she was now being stalked by her lovely boyfriend whom she had apparently given the boot.

   He was up there in the attic but when the police arrived he managed to skitter out a window down the side of the house, jump the back fence and cross I-70 on foot, making yet another escape.The police found a makeshift cot and empty cans of vienna sausages there in the attic.

   Damn, I could write a book about all the craaaaaaaazy stuff that happened back then. Maybe I should. Hmmmmm....

   Happy Halloween and all that!