Even before the Navy recruiter smiled up to our door, I knew I would sign the parental release. Against my own instincts, I had promised.
The night before, Eli and I sat down together to talk. He explained his thoughts and rationale... the positives and negatives. I was impressed by his logic and maturity as he calmly and coherently laid out his life's plan to me, the pacifist. Me, the anti-military, anti-government father. Me, who had never bothered with a life plan of my own.
The disaster known as the Viet Nam war ended, finally, when I was his age, or just less. We grew our hair long (or in my case, big), sewed peace signs on our big bells and cotton-hemp clothing.. attended war protests. Eventually, the golden age of hippiedom faded. The disco and cocaine era kicked in as I floundered towards adulthood, but my fear of the draft and disgust with the shameful government of my youth never disappeared. If anything, the disgust is now magnified.
The memories of body counts reported routinely on the nightly news remain with me. Memories of my own conflicted thoughts too. What would I do, me, a white punk on dope still reliant on my parents, if I turned 18 to find myself drafted? Shoot myself in the leg? Rehearse a gay act for the draft board? That one was worn pretty thin... Flee to Canada or elsewhere? All I knew for certain was that no matter what I had to do to avoid it, my future plans did not involve wearing green and carrying an M-16 in the jungles of southeast Asia, shooting 'bad guys' for the benefit of THE MAN. Worse yet, sacrificing my own young ass for 'my country!' Yeah, as if.
"Dad, I'm doing it one way or another. I'll be 18 in July and won't need your signature. I'd like to get this process started now, and with your blessings. I'll be in for four years, can take 15 hours of college per year, and leave the Navy needing only the advanced courses for a degree. They'll pay for it all including living expenses. Please don't think I'm blowing off college Dad. I'm not. This is just something I want to do."
He scored eighty-eight on the pre-test. The average recruit scores 42. Whether that means my son is exceptional, or that the general quality of kids desperate enough to join is suspect, I don't know. A little of both I imagine. Whichever- or neither, or both- apparently he would have his choice of the top jobs in the Navy, up to and possibly including nuclear engineering, be that good or bad. Personally, I cringe at the thought of him working on nukes..We had that talk too. He's more inclined to be a corpsman he thinks, which is like a medic. He used to say he wanted to be a surgeon.
Having had four or five days now to digest and adjust, I am coming to grips with all of this, at least partially. My rational mind knows that most likely he will not be killed or maimed in the Navy. I know too, that he will see much of the world; places and cultures I never have and never will get to experience. He might even learn to make his bed. Then, maybe, on leave, he can teach me.Today is President's Day so he is home from school... for a minute. He sits on the couch in the next room playing his guitar, expertly if I say so myself... a complicated arpeggio piece that I would never even attempt. I know now the real reason for my personal angst. He will be gone from here, gone from me. It's myself that I grieve for; my job is finished.
At the end of the recruiter's pitch, an hour long presentation during which I mostly listened, the shiny faced 26 year old kid wearing full Navy uniform fielded my questions that I had rehearsed half-heartedly.
I signed it...
... shook hands with the recruiter, then turned towards my only child, the smart and personable guy on the threshold of his adult life.We shook hands then, attempting to out grip each other, looking eye to eye. I realized at that moment, dufus that I am, that he is now a man.
Before he leaves for boot camp I will cut off and bag the hair that he 'combs' only with his fingers. No way will I allow it to be swept into the compost depository by the Navy barber's assistants.. the ones who scored 42 on the test.
Endsley, the recruiter, gave Eli a ride to work. Once back behind closed doors and alone, I broke down for the first of several times since then, including this moment.. as I type.
When E returned from work, we promised to spend as much time as possible together this spring and summer, fishing and what not.
This fall, he ships out to boot camp and beyond...
foggy day long ago catching walleye-- printer out of black ink
May 2009, at Melvern Lake, Kansas
my favorite pic of him... ever. July 4th, 2010 at Lake of the Ozarks
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Comments
`R
Lezlie
You should have asked the recruiter, "Will he be 'Over There' killing Nazis?"
"Well, uh, no sir...."
"Then nuking the French right?"
"Oh god no, sir!!!"
"Well, what the hell are youse guys good for if not killing Nazis or nuking French!!!?"
~tears~ I remember ask the recruiters that when they showed up at my high school way back when in 1990. Gawd, I now feel old....
((huge hug))
Not finished, just entering a different phase. I do get what you mean though; it will be weird going over to visit you and Eli not being there. You need to schedule plenty of fishing trips between now and next fall.
You are one brave man and Eli.. well I am crying like a baby right now for the both of you.
rated with hugs
"Before he leaves for boot camp I will cut off and bag the hair that he 'combs' only with his fingers. No way will I allow it to be swept into the compost depository by the Navy barber's assistants.. "
"This breaks my heart honey...V is crying her eyes out...after you shaving your hair off, in all its beauty...I cannot imagine E without his...UUHGG..heavy fucking heart"
" How very much I love you and Eli..How proud I am of him and his decision..how I shall worry, not so much for E, but for you..how you will cope,
not just for E,
how you will cope-
understand...from my heart to yours...."
Thanks babeeee :( :)
sets sail for the world — life
protected by the beacon of your love
smile, breathe, relax
the tides always return.
I think you'll find in the long run that this will prove to be a good thing. Yeah, I get where you come from when it comes to the military - the draft ran out just before they would have called me and I had a lottery number in the low thirties - but the real problem isn't the military, it's how those in power misuse the military. He's decided to serve something big and he'll learn a tremendous amount doing it. As strange as it sounds, I'm aware of the fact that I never served and I'm kind of uncomfortable with it. I'm liberal, I'm not militaristic, but I've been down to the VFW with my father-in-law in the small town in Ohio where my in-laws live, it's smoky (or was the last time I was there), it's a bit of a dive with cheap paneling on the walls, it has these stupid machines where you try to grab a cheesy stuffed animal with a descending claw that always closes at the wrong time, but I'm acutely aware of the fact that the price of admission is higher than I can afford and isn't something I'll ever earn. Your son will always have the knowledge that he pulled his weight.
I didn't bother with a Life Plan either, funny how life happens anyway...although, my friends who did make plans just had a harder time when the surprises took place.
May peace find you.
For myself and my daughter and sons who have all crossed the threshold, at time with much pain and angst, while I held my breath and prayed. I still pray for all my chickens....children, grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren. The prayers change as each one evolves , but are constant, and will ever be.
And last but not least, This is your finest piece of writing...bar none. You make me proud.
Yes.
I recall that parental anguish. I was involved with my youngest son's desire to serve the country. He almost joined the Army with that team-buddy scheme.
`
On the day of MEPS (military enlistment program service?) at Ford Meade, Maryland -
I followed my son.
He was to be swearing in on that day and be a USA soldier. My PTSD peaked that day.
It was a hard life/death!
I was not aware he did this!
I called the base General et al!
`
I order.
Tell my son he is not thought this out.
The 3- Star Military General listened.
My son was in death-jaw-grip. No war.
`
My youngest son went home alone.
I drove a pick-up. Neighbors drove.
My son's high-school Friend saw war.
`
He's PTSD bad. My son served 4 -years.
But,
In the US Coast Guard. He's maturing.
`
The time - looking back - was a ambush.
I mean`
I insisted`
`
"My son will not be killed for this oligarch!"
`
My youngest son is doing fine in Colorado.
`
hi?
May you have the wisdom. Love and protect.
huh?
`
There is an old concept ref:`
`
The Lethe River of the Hell.
`lathano' is to 'letho' forget.
`
War is deadly, mortal, a Lie,
huh?
Pestiferous.
I pray in regards,
and grant you both`
wisdom and guidance.
Tears drying now. It's all good. Thanks to all... Excuse me please if I don't keep up with comments that well...
plan a wonderful spring & summer with him...do LOTS of family stuff.
everyone is right. your best words EVEAH!
i heart you guys (*waves* you too V)
Even my Momma.
More fucking tears..
Lorianne... just minutes ago, she opened a package from you... the corset. She is overwhelmed with joy.
Several of my patients have been people who were in the military for a few years, and are now reaping huge VA benefits for having served... 60 years later. You never know when veteran's benefits can be the difference that really helps.
sets sail for the world — life
protected by the beacon of your love
smile, breathe, relax
the tides always return."
Thank you Chuck~
this says it all for me too...Great post!! Great dad and beautiful son!
can you not postpone it, even to july? anything can happen between now and july. if they're giving him a cash bonus I understand the draw, but with cash I dunno.
I realize right now there's a huge work issue, meaning there isn't any worthwhile work for anyone and I'm sure that's part of it as well.
btw, I did the same thing, signed my kid into the service. also navy. my son loved it until he didn't. recruiters are professionals. they know when a kid is ripe and they work him. what can you do?
my son saw a lot of the world. he even went to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro. he said he hardly remembers it they would get so drunk. with that, I can empathize.
You're a good dad. He seems like a sweet kid, responsible and thoughtful. So you did a good job. That's all you can do.
Big hug to you both.
my heart to you trig. truly.
My dad and I had a down and out when I joined the Army in 1963. We weren't speaking when I left. Several weeks later, however, in the steady exchange of letters between my mother and me, she mentioned he'd had a change of heart. Soon thereafter I received a letter from him. All was forgiven (if not mentioned) and he made it clear he was proud of what I had done.
As to your writing here, this is absolutely the finest piece of yours I have seen and one of the finest pieces of writing by anyone I have ever seen. Bravo, bubba.
This is one of the best pieces I've read. Even if it breaks my heart~ the best ones always do. ~r
So those high ACT scores didn't open up any doors? No prospects for grants or scholarships?
I suppose he wasn't the right ethnicity, gender or race.
ASG... race and ethnicity had nothing to do with anything over here.
The X-Ray Tech program is very tough. If you don't make it to the end, they wash you out and make a medic of you instead. She started in a class of 120 and only 12 went the distance. She was one of the 12.
I remember her calling me late one Sunday night after she'd spent the weekend on leave and didn't want to finish. She was 3 weeks away from finishing and said that she was thinking about flunking out on purpose because it was so hard.
Being anti-military like you, she figured I was the one person who would support that. I told her she was 3 weeks away from accomplishing something that would benefit her for the rest of her life and that she'd regret it forever is she quit now.
She stuck it out, finished her obligations to Uncle Sam and now has a great career. She exited the Army with an Associate Degree, has added many hours of education to it since and now runs the radiological imagining department for cardiology clinic.
It really can be the springboard to a great life. Here's wishing that it turns out as well for Eli as it did for my kid.
Wow.
There are scary things about having daughters, but other scary things about sons. (Tho daughters get recruited these days too...)
"trig palin wrote >>
--------------------------------------
Oh my God! I changed the order around like you said and it works mucho better. Then I smoked like I said I might, re-read... well, now, I have to re-write pretty much the whole thing! Not the order, just every paragraph... well, most, many. Wow!
In the end it will be good though. Will re-visit in the morning! I'll send you a new draft then... when. It's already changed some... sigh, I grew tired of thinking that hard.. had to find the chips and chipotle cheese sauce.
Good night.. with luv!!
THAT IS CALLED "WRITING" MY SWEET! IT TAKES A LOT OF THOUGHT, EDITING, MORE THOUGHT, MORE EDITING, AND FINALLY, YOU GET TO THE POINT WHEN YOU READ IT THROUGH FOR THE 75TH TIME AND SAY, "THERE IS NOTHING I CAN FIND TO CORRECT OR PERFECT." THEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED.
WHAT YOU WROTE WAS BEAUTIFUL IN ANY FORM. I ONLY MADE SUGGESTIONS BECAUSE YOU ASKED....
... ALL WRITING TO ME IS POETRY AND MY GOAL IS ALWAYS TO LIFT THE READER BEYOND THE ORDINARY BY EXTRAORDINARY USE OF LANGUAGE. I SELDOM MAKE THAT MARK, BUT IT WILL ALWAYS BE MY GOAL.
SWEET DREAMS!
SUZI
Now I cannot even type. May the sun shine whereever he goes.
Here are a million hugs and pounds of support.
Even with college, It must be rough not knowing where your favorite one is going or what he will be. But your boy is a great kid who will turn into a great young man.
A lot of people forget that he will get technical school, too. That can be the equivalent of an AA degree and the skills are mad in today's high-tech military.
I'm going to quit reading the comments before I start boo-hooing too! Tell him I said to always wear clean underwear and brush his teeth!
Zumahugs!
your job is never done. your kids are never so old they do not look to you for advice and support. it's just that kids reach an age when they're responsible and mature enough to make their own decisions and live with them.
you can cry for them, for their mistakes (and your own), you always will, but you come to realize that they are capable and better and bigger than you ever imagined. but they never stop being your kids.
I think every generation gets it better. My kids are better than I am, I was better than my parents and so our kids not only have the wisdom of us, they have the wisdom of our parents and theirs before them. we are the sum of our lives and while they may start out the sum of a lot of us, they are also a whole other equasion besides. that's the joy and the mystery of human beings.
enjoy him. make lots of new lures or whatever you fish types do. you'll always miss him after he leaves, but they'll come a time when you'll really enjoy the freedom you had forgotten about once he came into your life. it's nice, having grown kids. like I said, you'll always worry, but differently.
more hugs to you daddyo.
:)
Wish I'd had a dad like that.
Loving V's influence, foge.
eli has a life plan *because* he learned from you. sometimes our kids get things right despite what we see as our own deficiencies. in his case, it's obvious. and, contrary to what some may believe, there's nothing wrong with going into the navy to get a few years of discipline and maturity under your belt while getting college credits, especially in a crap economy like this one *and* especially when coming up with college tuition and finding available classes at pinched schools is difficult or impossible. your focus on his high score is *key*: he will go much, much farther than the average guy in the USN, they will recognize that he's far more capable than most. best of all, he will be doing something productive for himself, not just hanging around with some steak 'n shake job, hoping for something better to come along.
you should be very proud. of him. of the job you did. of writing this terrific piece. bravo, my kansas friend.
We / they Inherit genetically,learn by example and experience so we as parents can let them go onward and hopefully upward.
Good luck and be happy for their success.
Thanks for all the kind words everyone!!!
I would never presume to tell you how to feel about your son going into the military, but I can say that for me, and many like me, it was the perfect stepping stone to a better life. My son, at 14, is a techno geek who is also thinking military. If I have any influence, I will try and steer him towards the Navy. It's just a good place to be.
ALL, thanks again...
Sirenita Lake? Wow.
Can't say how much I appreciate the comments, and yes, even the ratings. 50 and up just don't happen that often.
I remember Eli - he looked me in the eye. I like that in a teenager.
You have raised a very fine son. All will be well, I think. I completely agree with Scanner on this too. He will have opportunity created for him by his intelligence.
Fast forward. He is now in training for his field and enjoying it. He actually enjoyed basic training. Getting paid, getting trained, planning his future. I feel what you feel. But we do raise them to spread their wings. Sigh.
Someday I will scan and post the letters I wrote to family and friends from Marine Corps boot camp. They still make laugh---and cry.
Including, as in this case, ones that are technically yours for the nonce, but that for such a short time that asserting parental authority would be an exercise in futility.
They leave us before they are ready, before we are ready. Yet we cannot hold them. We must hope for the best, hope they learn some wisdom before it is too late.
Any my experience so far is, they do. A few years from now, you'll be breathing a lot easier.
I must say, however -- military recruiters seem to have their sales pitch refined and honed for the high-school crowd. Kids are unsure about their life plans, and their future responsibilities. They offer a freedom from certain responsibilities of decision-making, and a (somewhat deceptive) certainty of path forward, and make it all sound like a grand step forward into the adult world.
You're a cool Dad. You've got more in your pockets than you think Trig, lots of rich men have never figured out how to love their kids.
At least the Navy is safe compared to the Army and Marines. My son-in-law is in the Navy; my oldest son is in the Air Force; and my nephew is in the Army. As a matter of fact, he's on his way to Afghanistan.
You'll get through this as tough as it will be on you....and it will be one of the toughest stages in your life.
At least the Navy is safe compared to the Army and Marines. My son-in-law is in the Navy; my oldest son is in the Air Force; and my nephew is in the Army. As a matter of fact, he's on his way to Afghanistan.
You'll get through this as tough as it will be on you....and it will be one of the toughest stages in your life.
At least the Navy is safe compared to the Army and Marines. My son-in-law is in the Navy; my oldest son is in the Air Force; and my nephew is in the Army. As a matter of fact, he's on his way to Afghanistan.
You'll get through this as tough as it will be on you....and it will be one of the toughest stages in your life.
I expect to see more photos of your son in that upstanding uniform. This story isn't over. You will have even more to write about. You better have a journal because I feel a book pouring out of you! Thank you to your son for being one of the brave who protect our country. Congratulations on those scores!!
"It's myself that I grieve for; my job is finished."
Not quite.
You've got a great kid. He's going to do alright. But I'm not sure sure about you. (I'm kidding, I'm kidding.) :-)
::::runs screaming from room:::::::
Congrats on the EP, and I'm glad you pointed it out. I rarely remember to look at the cover while I jump around. heehee
I've read through all the previous comments and new ones too twice... three times. Cried some more. Texted Eli at school to tell him to look too. He showed his talented and gifted teacher, Kathy Clark (a living Saint) who has mentored him since third grade. She's his teacher advocate. My heart bleeds for her. She has put much effort into insuring he gets a college education, and like me doesn't care a bit for the military. This is tough... still. Military or not, it's the letting go part for me.
Thanks so much one and all..
Btw, don't worry about nukes, they are much safer than conventional warheads. Trust me.
He is and you are both fortunate to have each other.
I felt some pride in his choice of which rating he wants to pursue.
This is somewhat selfish pride as, I was a corpsman.
Somethng which might help you to feel that pride is that we corpsmen are there to help and heal rather than to kill.
The navy is the very best of all the service branches.
We eat the best food and typically have the best billets and other good stuff.
Here's something which might help you feel better about what a great guy your son is~~
CORPSMAN UP!
BTW-His score is far above the average scores of today so, he will have it good and with the best choices.
What could have been is gone however, the Navy was/is so good that I wish I would have put in 30 years for many great reasons.
It was the hardest thing in my life to see her go back then. Now I look at my accomplished daughter who has literally traveled the world and learned so many things, good and bad. Of these sixteen years she spent a total of 3.5 years at sea, that is a lot of time away from home, family and friends. I think the Navy is not for everyone. Good on you to support your son and let him see how it is.
It was the hardest thing in my life to see her go back then. Now I look at my accomplished daughter who has literally traveled the world and learned so many things, good and bad. Of these sixteen years she spent a total of 3.5 years at sea, that is a lot of time away from home, family and friends. I think the Navy is not for everyone. Good on you to support your son and let him see how it is.
You have a gorgeous son, Trig, and from what you've written here of him, well, you have every good reason to be so darn proud! You have done good, dad.
This is beautiful and heartfelt writing. There's something especially beautiful about reading the story of letting go from a dad's perspective ... such as yours and J D Smith's post a few days ago. I think because too often men don't show or write of their feelings, their vulnerability, like this. And so although this is so moving and emotional, I smile a little too and say, thank you. This is writing, Trig ... beautiful writing.
I've loved your last couple of posts. I'm not sure if it's V's influence, it seems like it could be, but whatever it is, Trig ... keep going!
With love and hopes and prayers for peace, now and always.
Your story is almost identical to that of a colleagues, however, her son joined the Army. They too promised full tuition, etc, etc, training of his choice over the summer...funny, but his paperwork got lost! Too bad it was too late to get into training that would allow him to also attend college...oops! He's off in the Middle East as I type, but doing ok. It's honorable of Eli to want to serve, just be sure he questions EVERYTHING regarding the program. Best of everything to both of you!!!
(Rated this yesterday but didn't have time to comment til now.)
If he as not signed yet, caution him to find a job that he will like, but that he can do on the out side when he does get out. There are not a lot of jobs for people who can load bombs on airplanes, but there are for jet engine mechanics.
He will make you proud.
Anchors aweigh!
May he get to the annex in time. (Sorry guys, you figure it out.)
May peace and Godspeed escort your son as he defends this great peace-craved nation.
They say it gets easier with time I just wonder how much time they are talking about.
I think the most heart hurting is you cannot talk to them at all and in this day and age of instant communication I really don't like the not knowing...are you okay son, can you hang son, are they treating you right son?
I would tell you it gets easier but I guess not enough time has gone by yet. ENJOY him now and have him show you how to fix all the electrical shit he fixes, stereos and such as I had to have my son show me so I would be able to do it while he is gone.
Only good thoughts for your sons future!
You are right about the Navy - better odds. Tell him to check out air traffic control - it's a cool job when he's back in the states (I did it for 24 yrs), they need bright kids, and he can work on a big ol' (relatively unsinkable) carrier.
I am so proud of you and Eli, don't know if that is allowed, but I am. One of my son's best friends went in the Navy, he is now out with a beautiful wife (came back and married his high school sweetheart and took her with), two beautiful boys, and the kind of home they need. And, as others have said, parenting never ends, like the line from the movie Parenthood, "It's like your Aunt Edna's ass, goes on forever and twice as frightening." (or something similar)
Then my own view is that some sort of civil service should be required after graduation from h.s. Be it military or Peace Corps, it brings dignity. I am caught up to here.
I wonder if She is married.
She's wise remain single.
tease?
I remember reading this.
Two reads to sink it in.
I was talking this eve.
`
John Baca called to say`
`
Happy Birthday and gossip.
He was on that Navy ship.
It was on Veterans Day.
`
He likes Michelle Obama.
He meets nice women.
The ship was in San Diego.
`
He loath warmongers.
Baca has a pure heart.
John P. Baca flopper.
Baca flop on grenade.
It seem like yesterday.
Ah! good conversation.
It's vain to ramble on/on.