Several issues of "Women's Health" magazine are scattered about her comfy suburban home. Being a manly guy, I can't help but to notice them, mainly due to the fact that each has a fit, attractive, sometimes scantily clad young lady gracing the cover.
Too, without exception, each one has featured on the cover, near the curvier parts of the model, the promise of AMAZING SEX SECRETS (or "tricks" etc.) on the glossy pages inside.
Thinking that at this stage of my life I've pretty much seen it all (?), I never considered that there might actually be anything of help to a man of Kansas such as I in one of these mags, but, last night I asked her to open the current issue to the AMAZING section to see what we might learn.
Why not?
The feature, titled "Bring the Sexy Back" outlines seven "mood killers," each followed by "THE FIX."
Secrets? OK, hmmm...
"Read me some baby!"
(italicized below = me interjecting, but silently)
"Mood Killer: You're completely creeped out by his dog/cat/turtle watching you from the other side of the bedroom."
(Creeped out by my little dog? He watches everything.. EVERYTHING! He follows me into the toilet and sits at my feet, waiting patiently for the happy conclusion. Watches me cook, clean, sleep, and yes, have sex! He's seen every move I know; sniffed many a sweet and naughty scent. Yes, sometimes he gets bored and pretends not to watch, but you can be assured that he's listening! Do not even suggest I put him out in the winter air because he "creeps you out!!!"
Deep breath... whew.. carry on-- )
"THE FIX: While you're well within your right to politely request that Fido (always FIDO isn't it) retire to the living room (oh, at least he gets to remain indoors), experts agree this is more about you than about the blank-eyed pet...
(BLANK-EYED? Hold the train! You did NOT! Well heck, at least the EXPERTS are only going to advise YOU, because it IS all about YOU, to banish my blank-eyed FIDO to the living room where he'll damn sure be listening anyway, while getting the message that sex must be DIRTY since he is no longer allowed to watch.)
"There will always be distactions," says Cooper (this Cooper, the expert?) "Here, the onus (onus? Truly does take an EXPERT to use such words and brings to mind ANUS.. YOUR anus) is on you (YOU, YOU, YOU) to get into the erotic zone."
Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and fantasize about the guy you're in bed with (finally ME) or even a hot celebrity in your favorite sex scene (HUH? Now you went and REALLY ruined it, though, hmmm, I DO resemble Walter Matthau in "Grumpy Old Men" when he seduced Sophia Loren).
Focus on the sensations (yeah, forget FIDO and feel ME baby), and as you get more and more turned on (come to papa), you'll naturally forget all about what, or who, else is in the room (appears 'Cooper' IS on my side- FIDO get's to stay, watch, listen, sniff, and learn! Suck it up sweetheart!)."
good boy!
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Comments
John, your google search better describes ME!
You're getting as good as Tink at the kinky weird stuff!!
Write on bro, write on!
.
Oh btw, I also missed your last post but saw it today. Happy three years. You put the "trig" in trigger. :-)
speaking of my hero- TINK! You kind of stole my idea, which is too strap a helmet cam on FIDO!!! Sell the results to the burgeoning geriatric porn industry.
aka...you are a sick, eh... puppy... *choke*
Marilyn.. funny you should mention. Once, long ago, while at a lady's house, her huge black lab went beyond watching. Stuck her slobbery snout right between my butt cheeks while I did my date... drum roll, DOGGY STYLE. About jumped through the ceiling!
D-Rat... that is one of the strangest things I have ever heard. THAT dog, I might have put out in the cold!
Jamie... love ya. Thank you :D
Scarlett.. lol no NOT ELI, although that poor kid has had to cover his head with his pillow a few times in the past. Smile--
You've missed several posts... where ya been? Living life?
Stop it!
Katie Gray Craven: you KNOW the animals, probably even turtles, KNOW what is going on, and hopefully get a bit of a charge...
I said that? Whoa, this is getting strange! (getting?)
To my mind that borders on animal abuse!
Poor dog prolly can't decide to "bay at the big, pasty white moon" or to "run and hide from the bloated corpse that barely moving on top of his mama!". (which would make you his step dad, BTW!)
Luckily, the poor dog only has to deal with around 30 seconds of it every few days!
Now MY WH for Jan/ Feb has lessons for men on how to talk dirty, and the appropriate response the woman is supposed to make. Response #1- Gush, wildly. Men are simple creatures. A compliment on the physiology (yep, size related) or prowess will do it. Lie, if necessary.
Amy-- animal abuse? Call the ASPCA! And believe me, it lasts at least a minute.. I love to hate you, you.. woman (see, I'm nice)
Dr. Bowl.. seems cats, excepting Tink, are less interested in these activities and more prone to jealousy. Nano, my pooch, likes to hang out and give.. moral support... plus, he's a perv
Phyllis:- I happen to have the Jan-Feb edition by my side (no not the one above). My quotes are accurate if you care to check me. As far as "if the man get's creeped out?" See my comment above... although I lied a bit. The lab tongue was kina nice..
Apache Savage... it's good, in most cases to have pussy propped up on a pillow-- but maybe not in the way you describe... ha!
Phyllis.. the lie thing may be necessary sometimes.. and may be funny to some. I just don't know : )
ndrezteacher.. welcome to the tr ig house of whatever happens here... will get blogged!
Think you could PM me her address?
BTW, the bird's trained to attack whenever she hears any word that even vaguely sounds like peanut, so tell you GF to enunciate carefully, K?
(oh, and she REALLY goes insane over cockatoos and dickdic birds, well, so you might be screwed - and not in a good way!)
Best to stay with small pets.
You do something new with your hair?
That's probably it. Thanks for noticing.
@Amy: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 30 SECONDS! Were you being generous?
My dog Cooper lavishes more time & creativity on his favorite pillow. (I wonder if that's the expert they were quoting.)
Margaret.. my FIDO is not creepy. Perhaps you should read more and skim less. Also, my memory is fine as is my sweetie whom is (usually.. ok sometimes) well pleased. I was speaking to the average typical reader, not her :D Love you, now take a pill or something
ONL, I see YOU paid attention!
tai.. good response : )
I now realize that you are actually working on the poor, little doggy's self esteem.
I bet that little Pekingese of hers just feels ALL proud of himself (and well hung) after seeing you with your clothes off!
BTW, ever wonder why she "loves" that dog so much and is ALWAYS happy & cheerful when you leave for work????
"Arf, arf! Good boy, come to mama! OH, OH, OH! You are such a GOOD BOY!!!!"
weren't any better, as I expected. At least the
reading was, eh... inspiring
(we like maintain separate residences)
By the way, if it weren't for us watching dogs have sex, we wouldn't have sex doggy-style. By the way even more, pigs reportedly have a thirty-minute orgasm. Maybe we should be watching pigs have sex instead of reading tripe about sex in magazines.
Cringing here at the thought of cat tongue on ass
during sex... OR any other time. Ewww
Tom, no kidding! 30 minute orgasms. Let's study that!
Reading "tripe" noted... HA
Mumbles: I'm thinking not much is going through
the turtles' mind. Then again, I don't think a whole
lot goes thru my FIDOS' mind either. He just
likes action, any kind of action.. lol
i said some clever shit about, uh, blank-eyed-ness
and the nature of the need for bestiality, which according
to jane daisy chain
is rampant
and other
important
prophetic shit.
no?
i dunno, tr ig...margaret's new "do" got me aching
for high school dayz when i knew a chick who looked like her.
maybe i am fuzz brained. blame maggie.
anyway...
re yer post..
tis true, ya gotta give it up to Cooper:
""There will always be distactions"
mine are entropy and the heat death of the universe.
some other menz are different, i realize.
also: how cum we gotta keep our eyes shut?
that fucks up the finale, for me..