Lots of talk of sex and dating this last week at OS...
May be the upcoming Saint Valentine's 'holiday' (an interesting history I found) has something to do with that. Yes, may be. I imagine though, that the subject is on the minds of many the year 'round, and that this holiday for lovers exacerbates the pain of the love-lorn to a greater extent than it benefits established couples.
All of that (↑) is conjecture on my part. Somewhat!
♥
They say 'write what you know' so I am here today to write what I have discovered through much trial, and even more error, on the subject of internet dating.
It does carry, still, a certain stigma, does it not?
There's always the question, especially from those concerned for us, such as mom-- "She seems nice (the obligatory words from ma). So where did you meet her?"
She knows it wasn't church (!), but would, it seems, rather hear the answer "Miss Kitty's Road House at closing time" than, god forbid... the internet!
I wonder, why not the 'net?
In the days before, I endured long periods of non-voluntary abstinence, where I practiced self-love exclusively. I tried bars (minimal success), the laundromat, the produce aisle at the grocery. At work relationships always usually end in disaster. At the library or book store; now that's a hot fantasy that never came true... EITHER.
You name it.. it's frustrating!
More than once, I wished I could choke the asshole that said "all things in due time. Patience. When the time is right, she will (somehow, magically) appear".. right.
My motivation was always a long term relationship, the ever-elusive ONE, but hey, you have to start somewhere.
Sigh..
The gals on the dating sites are pre-qualified as single, or at least searching. They have their images posted there, plus age, approximate location, and hopefully a well worded little bio.. (poorly written bio = RED FLAG)
All these things give us, the lonely, the tools to begin a search.
NOTE: from what I've experienced personally and heard from the gals that have tried, a pay-site is no more 'loser free' than the advertiser sponsored ones such as plentyoffish.com.
-- The pics of course are of utmost importance as a start point. After all, no shame in admitting, I don't believe, that there needs to be some kind of physical attraction. No?
With time, I learned to beware those with nothing but a head shot. Yeah, I want to see at least one full bod pic. Live and learn! To each their own, but I need as pre-requisite, a girl that is somewhere close to height and weight proportionate (or HWP). Once again, just me, and with so many to choose from, pickiness doesn't much restrict possibilities.
MORE TIPS ON POSTING PICS:
♥ Leave your family out of them. We do not want to know your charming kids, or elderly momma, at this point.
♥ Same goes for pets. Please, not you and Fluffy, the exquisitely coiffed poodle, or worse yet, Fluffy in a standalone pic.
Your horse? Not! Some men are intimidated by these brutish animals (like moi), and some think cats are evil (not me but just saying).
A good pic of you in front of your fab tropical fish tank, might be acceptable.
♥ You're a biker chick? Fine. Put that in your bio. It's not a deal-killer, but do not pose on, or near, your... HOG.
♥ You think your best picture is the one of you and the ex, so you do a not so subtle cropping, leaving a white space where the hubby once stood with his hand in your pocket. Please!
♥ If you use a cell phone pic, avoid reflection pictures that show the phone in your hand. Should go without saying that utilizing the bathroom mirror is a faux pas turn off.. yes. For goodness sakes, a little effort please; have mom, a friend, your teenage daughter, or your ex that you are still cordial with, capture some nice images.
♥ Smile! Emo is not so attractive, k-- we want to make sure there's teeth in there. And brush your hair dammit!
from POF
♥ Most sites allow multiple pics. The more, the better... in different settings, different poses. Use your imagination. Let your wonderful personality shine through. If you have multiple personalities, well, that's a whole 'nother story, eh.. Cybil! Eek!!
♥ Glamour shots from Olan Mills are discouraged, at least by me. Something less staged, more spontaneous... and once again, several!
♥ Take the time to assemble a portfolio of fairly current and relevant pictures. I say don’t go back more than a few♥ Keep it clean! Suggestive is fine and sexy is fine, but for now keep the clothes on. Tasteful bikini shots could work, but (don't ask me why) bra and panties shots seem tacky Ms. Cleavage. Leave something to the imagination and keep your inner slut tightlty chained at this juncture. All things in due time mistress!
I'm ok with this POF image
-- From there, the age.
Of course nothing is keeping any of these people from lying shaving a year or two, but, that said, age isn't the end-all disqualifier anyway. We've all seen forty year olds (male and female alike) that look like they have one foot in the grave, and individuals aged sixty years and over that look damned good!
However, I tend to think the girl-lady should be somewhat younger than me. Only reason being... girls mature mentally (ok, you're smarter) and emotionally faster than our goofy selves. Don't obsess. That's a rule easily broken, depending on other circumstances.
That said, do not go to the extreme and cross generations!
Been there and done that once, with a girl nearly twenty years my junior. After I finished with the self-congratulations for actually tricking the young, hot chick into going out with; yes, even sleeping with me, I was faced with the dreaded eventuality of ... conversation. It was like trying to talk to a squirrel.
Chatter, chatter. Huh? And, she'd never heard of the Beatles..
Location is important too. Gas is expensive! Also, nothing for killing the dating mood like driving an hour across town through rush hour traffic. Once again though, exceptions to that rule... might be worth it! She could be the soul-mate that you'd crawl through ground glass (in rush hour traffic) to be with!
Like sales, it's a numbers game. Expect disappointment- you of her, or vice-versa. The hot chick you met in the laundro (as if) might eventually be a disappointment too. The hell you say!
Pick yourself up by the boot straps and move on, as will she.
THE MEETING! Butterflies, hopefully..
By this point you should have progressed from personal mails through the dating site, to, maybe e-mailing or chatting on yahoo instant, where you can truly get 'a feel' [ha] for the individual in question, to, LEAP OF FAITH-- actually talking on the phone.
GASP!
The phone... might be 'a stalker,' right! Use *67 or whatever it is, at first, so they don't know your number if that's a concern. Whatever... if it seems appropriate, talk to them!
Say all seems well; there's a mutual attraction, things in common. You are both intrigued enough to consider A DATE.
Can't stress this point enough...
NEUTRAL LOCATION-- agreed upon by the both of you. Drive your own vehicle. Get there early, park, and be waiting. May be preferrable that your date not even know what you drive at first. There are times when a quick escape and permanent disappearance may be prudent. Sad but true!
Also, shouldn't have to say it here, but leave your mom, or your best body-guard chick-friend Gwendolyn at home. Deep breaths! You can handle this on your own.
First thing out of your mouth over dinner and drinks (or coffee) should not be "so, think you might have any icky diseases?" This could be flattering I suppose, as it means you have considered the possibility of sex, but can also be a mood killer. Hear me?
Plenty of time, should the eventuality of intimacy seem the right direction, to do appropriate questioning and testing BEFOREHAND.
Personally (this, for guys and girls alike) moi would never consider a condom fool proof disease control, OR, birth control. These things tend to shred 'in the heat of the moment'-- my experience. Nothing like finding naught but a rubber band around the base of, how to put this delicately, THE PENIS, afterwards, leaving you to ponder your mortality, or fertility.
One more note on sex: Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for tacos and maragaritas? To which I would ask, would you really, really, consider a relationship with someone that you are not compatible with in bed? Maybe you would, but not me.
♥
That's the long and (*cough*) short of it people.
I'm saying, the 'net is a (*choke*) tool, to be used to your advantage in the romance arena. Once again, hoping against hope, LONG TERM ROMANCE.
Carry on I say!
Or...
...fondle vegetables suggestively at the market while you wait on Mr. Purrfect to come along to help bag your carrots.
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Pandora S. Bach
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Comments
And yes, it can be a lot of work and frustration, but beats lonely, and I've had, overall, pretty good results.
Thanks for reading to the end! Damn
Great tips too!
Men treat you better if they think you are worthy of men better than themselves. Do not mistake dinner and drinks for being treated well.
I'll pop in later when I'm not hard at work and add my .02 :)
rated
MichelleD, glad you enjoyed. It can be comical at times as well as disappointing. No doubt of that. Like I said, it's a numbers game, but with proper before hand 'research' we can minimize the frustrating (and expensive) DUD experiences.
phyllis- you may have guessed, one of your posts was part of my inspiration here! Sally forth, or whatever they do in Indiana :)
Dr. Bowl~ "The internet maybe just sped up the reality that there are a lot more single people who are willing to have a lot of sex without relationships..."
Did I not say that I ALWAYS was seeking long term? That's the hope, the fantasy, the ONE that will stimulate you physically, yes, but also be bestest friend and life partner. Then again, just speaking for myself--- plenty out there just looking for fuck and outro.
asia.. please do return with your two cents. Muah
Erica K, why thanks! I've lived and learned and if others can avoid some of the grief when using the remarkable TOOL known as the 'net for dating, then it was worth the effort.
Uh...but...I really do wish you luck, man. Seriously.
Could happen.. I suppose
jlsathre, so you have an internet son-in-law and grandbaby.. See! I do, really do get the motherly concerns, but in reality, the chance of getting a BAD son-in-law, or boyfriend, etc. out in "the real world" are no better I believe.
Harry's.. you... and TINK? That two timer!
Nikki... so sorry, as I said, a numbers game, and like all things numbers, the odds are stacked against us. The above, hoping to put the odds more in our favor. And, I am in (five months plus) an awesome relationship with a fish girlie
But the real service you, or anyone else, can do is to show the DOWNside of 'net dating. And there's a whole LOT of it, something I can vouch for personally. Check out www.lovefraud.com if you want to see proof in action.
Instead of waiting for The One (who doesn't exist; we can actually have many Ones, depending on your stage in life), what I've learned to do instead is to Live. Live my own life for myself, pursue my own interests, and fully evolve into my own Self as I need to be. Doing so, I now know exactly who I am and need to be--so in the event some fool crosses my path and we might accidentally like each other, I've now "raised the bar" for myself by not settling for anything less than what I want. B/c now I KNOW what I want.
True, I'm alone more often than not--but the difference is, now I appreciate my own company far more than ever. How you see the show depends on where you sit, so sometimes you just gotta change chairs...
elsma03, you have evolved far past me. I applaud you. Welcome to my blog.
Nanatehay: Now, the you and Bleue thing is EXTREME net dating! Incredible testament to.. something.. just incredible, and cool.
And your head ain't so odd.
You always make me laugh. Humor-good :)
Strangest OS freak out I've ever seen.
Front left feed says the above
yet no comment below
Lezlie
Just to make you feel better--Sally Field turned 65 today!
Good luck on the search. It can go on a lifetime with no results.
I'll take a shade tree and some salt air any day of the week....alone...
I say cast a wide net and see what you catch (hopfully nothing requiring meds) Be smart and be safe and KNOW what you want, but skip sharing your "list", its degrading. Online dating gives you a better chance to sample the merchandise, kick the tires, etc... we all like to window shop anyways.
I think tho it can be addictive for certain folks. (I've done the reseach here.) One date shared his "list" with me. Brunette - check, cute - check, working - check, 5'7" - fail... I thought it was silly and he thought I was judgemental. His loss.
I despised the process but ultimately I am a results oriented person and I'm a happy little camper now!
elsma03- Damn, I should have blogged on Sally Field's birthday
Mission: to each their own.. guess I don't do alone very well, and to clarify as I said above, no longer "working" the singles sites. Just my experiences.
Rita.. "What is the harm if you have no other expectations but the one listed, a nice diversion from HBO or whatnot?"
The answer-- no harm at all, and yes, it CAN BE fun. All in what you make it I guess.
asia rein :) you are a " results oriented person" which makes me what, the results? Ha, I'll take "happy little camper." Me too
Trig Savage's Weekly Love Column. ;)
Mom says…ah but where where did you ‘meet’ her.
Mom, I woulda said, cuz mom was way way schooled in my metaphysical nonsense,
“where there is only truth and beauty…and goodness..the internet,
Filtered through my cognizance”
“oh james mark,, u are so smart, you know it all, but you know nothing, I am sad to say”
…………………………………………….
“a girl that is somewhere close to height and weight proportionate”
I say to Eleanor (mom’s ) ghost..
“oh u and yr generation, so hipped up on the body, oh…”
“mom, no, a friend of mine said…”
“which friend?’
“uh, rather not say at this time…”
“hm”
“he said ,uh, lemme see, uh, ‘If your picture is not authentic, how can your date know you haven’t engaged in other serious mis-representation in your profile? ‘’ right???”
“women, you know so little, little boy, “ says divine evil Eleanor.
“Teach me?! What?”
“Oh, shush. Lets watch ‘diagnosis murder’. Shush.”
“huh yeah mom”
Too often, in our attempt to put our best foot forward, we trip ourselves up -- and the tendency to modulate our true selves increases the more desirable the target audience. But that's no basis for a successful long term relationship.
To thine own self be true remains damned good advice. But be aware that is likely to limit the possibilities for romance, let alone alone love. Or to put it another way, if thine own self is an asshole, your perfect match will be another asshole.
reading on.... tysk tysk for being picky. But we all are so whatever.
These are some good tips though. And you you have to take everything with a grain of salt with the internet dating. Good luck to you, man.
"NEUTRAL LOCATION-- agreed upon by the both of you. Drive your own vehicle. Get there early, park, and be waiting. May be preferrable that your date not even know what you drive at first. There are times when a quick escape and permanent disappearance may be prudent. Sad but true! "
Straight from the CIA handbook. Dude, you must have met some doozies. Me, I meet them in a hotel room. They can't see my car from there. I suppose I've had a lot of wash-outs, but I can't remember them. I remember the fun ones. I'm still searching for that one-night stand, though. They all go long-term. I almost had it, too, but he came back after a year and a half. Couldn't stay away.
Seriously, I know you're having fun. Keep up the good work. Try some of the kinky sites. Also, try some old gals. We tend not to cling, we have our own houses, cars and money, and we like spending it on boy toys.
This is long... and silly
I tried that too. Nadda.
I enjoyed this immensely and of course you know why.
Meow ;-)
btw I used a pic of myself in hair curlers.