Bill Collectors' Can Bite Me!
I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been getting a rather large number of phone calls from collection companies. I guess the spike in the number of these annoying calls from Hell is due to the economy. Or they are seasonal like meningitis tied to a mean dose of gonorrhea. Either way, these collection calls like the clap have a way of getting inside you and corrupting every fiber of your being. Last night, I was attacked by a soulless collection caller from the bowels of Hell.
But first, a little about myself, I pay my bills on time a rarity in these times. However, my name in my neck of the woods is very common. If I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah it would not be so common, but down here in swampland it is as common as John Smith, George Jefferson, Hiro Yamaguchi, or Mohammed Ali.
There’s an old put-down that goes like this “she has more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.” Well, replace the word chin with my last name, attach it to a body part, change locations to my current locale, and you can say the same joke. Ha-ha.
Back to my conversation with the Satan’s mother-sister-wife-daughter-whore, the phone rang and I answered it. An automated voice told me that if this is “first name, last name” to press “1”. I did. A woman came on the line and told me that a credit card debt in “my name" was six months in arrears and what was I going to do about it. I explained to her that my name is very common in this area and that if she was sure that she was addressing the right person. She confirmed my name and phone number. I then told her that I don’t have such an account.
To further verify, she asked me for the last four numbers of my SSAN. I told her that I did not have to give her that information. Then I told her that in the past when collection companies have called me that they tell me the last four digits and that I tell them “yes” or “no”. In 100% of the time, “no” is the answer. She then told me that if she did that I would lie. This is when I lost it.
I proceeded to scream at this she-devil for five minutes. My daughter ran and hid in her room. My wife wanted me to hang-up, but I would not because I. HAVE. HAD. IT. WITH. THESE. BARELY. LITERATE. THREE-DAYS. OF. TRAINING. CHIMPANZEES!
I screamed at the top of my lungs for five minutes that I was going to file a lawsuit against her and her company for insulting me and disrespecting me in my home by calling me a liar. Throughout this time, the heartless zombie remained calm and kept asking me if “I felt better?” I told her, “No!”
I have not been this angry in very a long time. I got her phone number, her name and her company’s name. I hung up. My wife stared at me in disbelief. I sat down and did some deep-breathing for five minutes to regain my composure. My wife tried calling the number, but all she got was a series of “press this” and “press that” responses.
I know what you are all thinking, “Calm down. Just give up the numbers” I say, “Bull”. I am not obligated to give personal data to anyone over the phone. How do I know these so-called collectors are legit? They could be scammers who armed with my personal data can use it to forge a new identity and get credit cards.
Some of you are probably saying, “Come on Trudge, you can always change your name.”* My name was given to me by my parents, and I honor it. So to you I say, “Thanks a lot son just the same.”* While my name might sound boring in Spanish and English, it’s still my name.
However, just in case push comes to shove, and I decide to change my name, I came up with a list. What do you think?
- Alfred E. Newman (literary appeal)
- Pete Rose (a real winner)
- Manny Ramirez (a little dopey)
- Hugh Hefner (over used)
- Idi Amin Dada (can be easily butchered up)
- Adolf Hitler (too much Old World charm)
- Pol Pot (That’s it! A killer of a name.)
*BTW, note the music reference. Can you name that song?
© Trudge164, 2009