Arrive Alive!, Florida, USA
February 29
Open Salon Member since January 2009 ********************************* Sometimes serious, sometimes comical, always topical. =========================== A guy can dream and drown in a deluge of his own delusional thinking. Can't he? =========================== It is what it is until it no longer is, then it becomes something else.


MAY 12, 2009 9:55PM

Hey Bill Collector, Collect this & Bite Me!

Rate: 18 Flag

Bill Collectors' Can Bite Me! 


I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been getting a rather large number of phone calls from collection companies. I guess the spike in the number of these annoying calls from Hell is due to the economy. Or they are seasonal like meningitis tied to a mean dose of gonorrhea. Either way, these collection calls like the clap have a way of getting inside you and corrupting every fiber of your being. Last night, I was attacked by a soulless collection caller from the bowels of Hell.


But first, a little about myself, I pay my bills on time a rarity in these times. However, my name in my neck of the woods is very common. If I lived in Salt Lake City, Utah it would not be so common, but down here in swampland it is as common as John Smith, George Jefferson, Hiro Yamaguchi, or Mohammed Ali.


There’s an old put-down that goes like this “she has more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.” Well, replace the word chin with my last name, attach it to a body part, change locations to my current locale, and you can say the same joke. Ha-ha.


Back to my conversation with the Satan’s mother-sister-wife-daughter-whore, the phone rang and I answered it. An automated voice told me that if this is “first name, last name” to press “1”. I did. A woman came on the line and told me that a credit card debt in “my name" was six months in arrears and what was I going to do about it. I explained to her that my name is very common in this area and that if she was sure that she was addressing the right person. She confirmed my name and phone number. I then told her that I don’t have such an account.


To further verify, she asked me for the last four numbers of my SSAN. I told her that I did not have to give her that information. Then I told her that in the past when collection companies have called me that they tell me the last four digits and that I tell them “yes” or “no”. In 100% of the time, “no” is the answer. She then told me that if she did that I would lie. This is when I lost it.


I proceeded to scream at this she-devil for five minutes. My daughter ran and hid in her room. My wife wanted me to hang-up, but I would not because I. HAVE. HAD. IT. WITH. THESE. BARELY. LITERATE. THREE-DAYS. OF. TRAINING. CHIMPANZEES!


I screamed at the top of my lungs for five minutes that I was going to file a lawsuit against her and her company for insulting me and disrespecting me in my home by calling me a liar. Throughout this time, the heartless zombie remained calm and kept asking me if “I felt better?”  I told her, “No!”


I have not been this angry in very a long time. I got her phone number, her name and her company’s name. I hung up. My wife stared at me in disbelief. I sat down and did some deep-breathing for five minutes to regain my composure. My wife tried calling the number, but all she got was a series of “press this” and “press that” responses.


I know what you are all thinking, “Calm down. Just give up the numbers” I say, “Bull”. I am not obligated to give personal data to anyone over the phone. How do I know these so-called collectors are legit? They could be scammers who armed with my personal data can use it to forge a new identity and get credit cards.


Some of you are probably saying, “Come on Trudge, you can always change your name.”* My name was given to me by my parents, and I honor it. So to you I say, “Thanks a lot son just the same.”* While my name might sound boring in Spanish and English, it’s still my name.


However, just in case push comes to shove, and I decide to change my name, I came up with a list. What do you think?

  1. Alfred E. Newman (literary appeal)
  2. Pete Rose (a real winner)
  3. Manny Ramirez (a little dopey)
  4. Hugh Hefner (over used)
  5. Idi Amin Dada (can be easily butchered up)
  6. Adolf Hitler (too much Old World charm)
  7. Pol Pot (That’s it! A killer of a name.)

*BTW, note the music reference. Can you name that song?


© Trudge164, 2009

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I'm going with Trudgeh Amini Rawini. Pete Rose is good. Hey...maybe Just A. Bill. I know someone who did that actually...caused a hefty amount of confusion. xox takitez
Robin, Trudgeh Amini Rawini sounds like weeny. But A. Bill has a ring to it.
This is why I never answer my phone...
Jeanette, words to live by.

Anyhoo, this is a sweet rant, I love it.

Pawed for "over the phone ass kicking!"
Trudge I feel your pain. Won't go into personal experience but if I get a call from any area code besides the two around here I don't answer. I used to sometimes just for sport but it got boring.
Feels good to vent sometimes though. THAT I can relate to but don't scare your daughter and make your wife "stare at you in disbelief" LOL.
And maybe I didn't try hard enough but I ain't catching the music what is it?
I went through a series of those calls a few years ago, except that they really were for me. Finally I started saying things to aggravate the people calling. I would tell them "I just talked to you people 2 days ago and gave them all the information. It should be in the notes." When they would act like they couldn't find it, I would tell them to contact "Jim" who I talked to, and how it's not my fault if he didn't do his job. "Then how do I know you would get the notes right? I already gave you people the information". Then ask to speak with a supervisor because they are not understanding. Put them on the spot. I got some young lady to tears over this. It got to where I was looking forward to their calls so I could have some fun getting someone else aggravated.
ABSOFRIKINLUTELY NOT!! Never and I repeat never give any personal information to anyone who calls you. rated for knowing that!
Trudge, I found the funniest solution ever, and I can't find it again. I plan to tell the caller that I'm Detective Slivovitch from the Sacramento P.D. Homicide division.

Then I'll ask how they come to be calling the victim. Were they the party who left threatening messages? What's their home number and address?
You have the right to make them stop. Get their fax or physical address and write a letter that says

[Your Name]
[Your Mailing Address]
[Your City/State/Zip]

Certified Mail, Return Receipt Requested # [Insert the Certified Mail Receipt Number here]

[Insert Date of Mailing]

[Insert name of collection agent, if available]
[Insert name of collection agency]
[Insert address of collection agency]
[Insert City/State/Zip of collection agency]

REF: Account # [Insert either the original account number or the collection agency's account reference number here]

Dear [Insert name of debt collector calling--if available--here]:

1. You are hereby notified under provisions of Public Laws 104-208, also known as the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, that your services are no longer desired.

2. You and your organization must CEASE & DESIST all attempts to collect the above debt. Failure to comply with this law will result in my immediately filing a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission and the [Insert your home state here] Attorney General's office. I will pursue all criminal and civil claims against you and your company.

3. Let this letter also serve as your warning that I may utilize telephone recording devices in order to document any telephone conversations that we may have in the future.

4. Furthermore, if any negative information is placed on my credit bureau reports by your agency after receipt of this notice, this will cause me to file suit against you and your organization, both personally and corporately, to seek any and all legal remedies available to me by law.

5. Since it is my policy neither to recognize nor deal with collection agencies, I will settle this account with the original creditor.

Give this matter the attention it deserves!

And have a nice day.

[Sign your name here]

[Insert your name here]

I worked for a collections company for about two weeks. They aren't allowed to contact you after you send this letter. If they do, you can sue them for 5k each time they do. Keep good records. NEVER, EVER, EVER give them any information they don't already have.

You can modify the letter to say, I don't have this debt, blah blah blah. The letter still works if you don't have any debt with the company!
Just ask them where they want the check sent.
Let's see.

First, you are human and this proves it.

Second, if pushed far enough you can lose it.

Third, collectors are accustomed to screaming people and they don't stay in that job long, since mostly they work on commission, if they can't deal with anger.

So, Fourth, the whole thing hurt you and your family more than it did them.

Next time I would not even let them get the first two sentences out, disconnect the call and leave your phone off the hook for an hour. If you keep doing that they will eventually quit. I know that there are other ways to do it, but that way does work and is pretty low tension. (Being overweight I always try to think about what my irritation is doing to my blood pressure, and I have a way too good connection between my feelings and my body response. Not so good for me to get upset.)

Good funny post.

I have the same problem. I have a surprisingly common name, and it's one of those ambiguous names that could be either a man or a woman. I get calls for people who don't even share a first name with me, I guess because some fool in a collection agency is so insular that they think my common-as-dirt Spanish last name is exotic and I must be or know anyone whose name has the same first initial. They don't believe me when I say I don't know "Carlos."

I'm going to look up that law that LaRae mentioned. I love that kind of stuff.
One suggestion --- air horn blasted into phone. Teeheehee.

Oh yeah, add to that, ear plugs for wife and kid and you. Going deaf sucks.

I will directly address all comments later today. Thank you all for the suggestions and support.
Just ask them to keep repeating your first name and sigh as though you are jerking off. Then ask what she looks like, or him. Etc. You get the picture. They'll hang up in a minute and never call back.
How about Tim Geithner? Or Jamie Dimon? Or Pandit? or Gotti? Use the name of the CEO of one of the usury firm aka as Banks.
LadyMiko, how about clawing those collectors for me.

Fristinpro, thanks for the tips.

SJHahn, thanks 4 da support. I never divulge any personal info.

LaRae, Thank you ever so. That was a wealth of information which I plan to employ. BTW, I’m glad you left the dark side with your soul intact.

Ocularnervosa, good idea. Better yet, I’ll tell them the check is in the mail.

Monsieur, three words: I have it. But I screwed up.

From the Midwest, interesting advise, but I do have a young child and my wife would not only look at me in disbelief but in disgust too. Besides, I only play “those” games with her.

OESheepdog, interesting, but I really like Pol Pot. It really is a killer of a name.
Trig, I usually screen the calls but I was caught off guard. BTW, the song is “Ventura Highway” by America. Awesome song.
Zumma, I’ve heard the one before, but I was so boiled that I was in Reptilian Mode and, when that happens, Reason takes a powder and nothing can stop me.
Monte, you are right I was wrong for scaring the living daylights out of my family. I already made amends to them.
SirenitaLake, if they mangle the pronunciation of my name, I simply tell them that person doesn’t live there. You should change your name to Mrs. Cappy Parrotdead. This way only the Pirate Wimmin will har-ass ya! lol
This: " I am not obligated to give personal data to anyone over the phone. How do I know these so-called collectors are legit? They could be scammers who armed with my personal data can use it to forge a new identity and get credit cards."
You are absolutely correct. NEVER give information to anybody. Not even to yourself.
Cartouche, words to live by. I usually feed myself misinformation, not be confused with Ms. Taken although I have partaken of a few misses. ; )
Best solution I've found for handling calls like that: hand the phone to any two-year-old you have handy. Three-year-olds are good, too. Mine always loved to talk on the phone.
Charity, that was a generous suggestion, but that would require kidnapping a 2 year old and that's against the law. lol
I like just saying-- "hold on a sec while I go grab those files" and then just putting the phone down and walking away. The unh-unh-unh of the phone after a bit clues me when its time to hang up the receiver.

Another one I like is to ask "what are you wearing" and then go into my very dirty old man schtick.
Maybe a symbol instead of a name. Or perhaps a number. Single letters are all the rage. You could be W or Q maybe Z those are popular in James Bond movies. Or something classic like C-dog or R-cat.
Mr. E, I might just try that one.

E. Todd, That's a good one. I could use the symbol Prince isn't using anymore.
I think Prince was selling the symbol and career that use to go with it at his garage sale last weekend.