I was with my friend when she went to the funeral parlor the day her dad died. The wish of the deceased was to be cremated and then have his remains sent back to Missouri, where he was born. 

Sounds simple. Not so.

There are a zillion hoops to jump through, a half zillion signatures to collect, photos to compare, forms to be signed and money to collect. As everyone knows, dying is damn expensive and time-consuming. 

As we waited for our friendly funeral director to copy forms, I took a stroll around the "showroom." There of course are several types of caskets to consider, if you're going that route, so to speak. Four layer, including concrete and safe-worthy steel; three layer, which may or may not admit moisture; two layer, which could last two years or so without disintegrating, and one layer---well, you might as well go with the canvas bag dumped into the ocean.

None of those options weighs in at less than $7,000.

Plus there are the extras.

As for me, when I go, (knock on wood, kena hora, pht pht pht, it's not too soon), I'm picking the funeral trifecta. First, and obviously, catering by Whole Foods (about $250). Everyone likes a good nosh. Second, I want the 10-piece bagpipe troupe for $325. And I want the real McCoy--no underwear. I think I will have them play Hava Nagila. That alone would be worth the price of admission. (And there will be a price of admission. How do you think I can pay for this post-mortem extravaganza?)

Finally, I'm going for the dove release. A dozen white doves are dramatically let into the air. They circle the gravesite, then a few minutes later, a single dove joins in to circle along with them.  Turns out they are homing doves, and circle merely to judge the earth's magnetic field so they can find their way back to their owner, who can be 20 or 30 miles away. And all for $300.

I will pass on the balloon release, the video montage or the fingerprint pendant. Someone, take note.

What's worse, my friend did not qualify for the $250 Social Security death benefit, meant to defray expenses. (The amount hasn't changed in about 30 years, and is barely enough to cover the cost of the balloon release. Cheese whiz.)

My friend, very level-headed, chose a modest urn, bio-degradable--a fine and fitting tribute to her dad's too-short life. Her memories remain, and those are priceless, and the only thing worth keeping.