Unbreakable's Pearls of Wisdom...

...and Foolish Mutterings

Unbreakable

Unbreakable
Location
Down the rabbit hole, Texas,
Birthday
December 06

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AUGUST 24, 2009 10:48AM

GIVE ME HORMONES OR GIVE ME DEATH!

Rate: 21 Flag
Menopause Pictures, Images and Photos

picture courtesy of HappyHeathenLynn

Well, I finally did it. I went to see my doctor and .... DISCLAIMER**** Any men who may be reading this might want to avert your eyes. I'm going to talk about the dreaded and mysterious Wimmin Stuff. ****END OF DISCLAIMER

Okay, now where was I? Oh yes, I remember. (mmm hmmm, see, it's helping already!) I went to the doctor and grabbed her by the lapels on her cute little doctor's coat and growled in my best imitation-of-Satan voice, "Give me hormones and give them to me NOW! She was a bit taken aback by my approach, although I have to say that if she expects me to believe that's the first time that has happened, I'm not buying it. No way. But, I digress.

So, Dr. MissPriss adjusted her prissy doctor coat and looked me square in the eyes and said, "Well, we don't really like to do hormone therapy here." Streams of fire shot from my eyes and lit her hair on fire (as this was not a "weepy" day, it was a "murderous rage" day.) As she set about dousing her head in the sink to put the fire out, I told her, "Look, I've already suffered through almost three years of hot flashes and my husband sleeps in a bullet-proof vest. Unless you've got some hormone-sprinkling fairy up your sleeve, "we" need to rethink that policy."

I have to give her credit. It had to be hard for her to try to salvage her dignity as she sat there with smoking hair and a crumpled lab coat with permanent creases in the lapels, but she gave it a shot. Studying my chart, she officiously said, "Let me check your chart. Hmmm, Mmm-hmm. Okay, we'll do it. Give me a minute." She scurried out of the room, never turning her back on me once.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," I called. The door stayed closed.

"I'll just stay out here," Dr. MissPriss shouted through the closed door. "Now, is there any history of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, or uterine cancer in your family?" I answered a quick "no, no and no," and heard a shuffling sound by the door. I glanced in that direction to see pieces of paper being shoved under the door. More shouting from the other side, "Okay, here is your prescription, an order for a mammogram and bone density test, and one for some blood work."

"You can come in," I tried again. "Really, it's okay."

"No, no, that's fine. Just give me two minutes to clear the hall and you can find your way to the front. Oh, and if you need anything else, just call - really, no need for you to come back in."

I gathered my papers and the precious prescription for hormones from the floor, waited the allotted time and then made my way out into the hall. There was no one in sight. I knew Dr. MissPriss was lurking somewhere nearby, though, because I could smell burnt hair.

That was six days ago. Maybe it's psychosomatic, but I swear I'm feeling better already.

***NO DOCTORS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS BLOG***
 

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Comments

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Unbreakable breathes a huge sigh of relief!
Congratulations on the hormones! I'm taking bio-identicals and because of them I have managed to make it through some pretty chaotic times without seriously injuring anybody. Miracles can happen!
I will say it again....Girl you better be taking double doses of that stuff cause I plan on going back to Texas for a visit and I don't want no dang bullets flying in my direction when we meet up...Been there, done that, and bought the tee-shirt!
Crap... I'm already prone to murderous rages... when it gets to be my time... I may wind up serving time... I wonder if they give hormones in the prison system...
I feel your pain. My wife has an enormous fan.

Rated.
OK, I was already laughing about her refusal to come back into the room, but the papers being shoved under the door put me over the edge. Hilarious! I'm so glad to see what I have to look forward to; I don't like my doctor, so this will be fun!! (Oh, and I'm happy to hear you're feeling better. :)
Yep. Got a flak jacket myself. Only thing is, my wife uses Teflon coated bullets and the Kevlar is absolutely useless against them. The jacket is in the corner of the closet now.

You know? They call her Mother Nature, indicating he femininity, but it baffles me why she would do such a thing to her daughters/sisters.
UB, I went through this with my wife, and I'm here to tell the tale, although it was close. Now, I would swear I'm getting menopause, because I've been breaking out in sweats, for no good reason. She said men can have them too. I don't believe it, but I have the gun ready if it's true.
Great Stuff~~Rated~~
I'm only lurking in the corners of menopause. I still freeze everywhere and hope that menopause lightning will strike just to warm up my body to room temperature.
Hilarious! But I don´t even want to start imagining myself when menopause hits home, if I already get all teary about social awkwardness and friendship these days... LOL!
Great post, thanks!
Kisses,
Marcela
This does not bode well for any future I'm imagining in my house. Biology is not amusing me today.
I once made a whore moan. Does that count?
Why don't you just move to Antarctica to battle some of the heat problems? I'm sure you're not as bad as you make out... but just in case, I'm staying where I am.
"Look, I've already suffered through almost three years of hot flashes and my husband sleeps in a bullet-proof vest. Unless you've got some hormone-sprinkling fairy up your sleeve, "we" need to rethink that policy."

Too, too funny! You and I have SO been on the same page for awhile now. Let me know how the HT works out. I opted for the good stuff that just makes me feel like I'm back in the late 60s again. FAR OUT!
Deborah - A miracle - that's what I'm looking for, too.

Wally - I told you I would put my gun in the gun safe when you come to Texas. And I promise not to burn you with my laser eyes, either.

surly - If they don't give hormones in prison, I'll smuggle them in to you in a cake.

John - Seriously, they don't make fans big enough for menopausal women.

OM - I just want to be around when Dr. MissPriss hits menopause. We'll see how smug she is then.

Bob - Good point about Mother Nature. Unless, she's menopausal herself. Then it would make sense.

scanner - My husband swears he gets hot-flashes every so often. Kind of hard to believe when I look across the room when we're watching tv and he's huddled up in a blanket and I'm sitting in a puddle of sweat. So, I guess that would be MANopause?

cartouche - I used to freeze all the time, too. Back in the good old days...

JK - killer PMS, huh? Not a good sign....

Marcela - It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

Owl - Yeah - it could be all out war, huh? Yikes!

Duane - only you could say that and get away with it.

GJI - move to Antarctica? Are you crazy? You think we have problems with global warming now, it's nothing compared to what it would be if I took my hot flashes to Antarctica. Think what you're saying, man!

Winda - I'll keep you posted on the HRT. If you don't hear from me, you'll know it didn't work and I'm in prison.
insanely funny -- if it weren't so damn true. but it really is, especially the bulletproof vest! glad you got 'em. it will save your life -- and some others.
surgically induced meno at 38 yrs, been taking them since. no more pms, no meno symptoms. it's pure heaven.
peace...
femme - ahhh - so there may be hope for me yet!
Menopause is the closest thing women have to going postal. We just don't get jailed for it.
O'Really - well.....
be careful with the hormones. my best friend grew a beard. a really GOOD beard.
oh yeah...my best friend is a female. (she eventually had electrolysis...but for a while there, she had a hell of a 5 o clock shadow.)
nofrills - hell, I'd trade these hot flashes for a beard. At least I could get rid of a beard.
OMG! YOU TOLD MY STORY...only...I HAVE BEEN SHOOTING FLAMES UNCONTROLLABLY 1 year 3 months 4 days 9hours and 24minutes! YOU SEE...HISTORY: BREAST CANCER-sister, OVARIAN CANCER- aunt, UTERINE CANCER-another aunt! I HATE YOU! DODGE THE FLAMES!!!! ( to be read in a satanic voice for the full effect). My doctor, a female, now wears a BOMB SQUAD PADDED OUT FIT when I come to visit...and uses a censorship beeper for the language I use. She no longer ask "how you doing"....she just draws the blood, writes the prozac script and says "Good Luck" and RUNS LIKE THE DOGS OF SATAN ARE AFTER HER!
hey, it's something to look forward to. i can already shoot bullets out of eyes, but spontaneously ignite hair with a glance? that's a trick that may come in handy ... menopause sounds promising. i might be able to take over a small island after all ;)
imposter & Cindy - Wow, just think what we could accomplish if we all got together. We could rule the world!
What are you talking about UNBREAKABLE...I DO RULE THE WORLD...everyone is just not aware of it yet!
While trying to get preg a few years ago. I was (voluntarily) thrown in to a false menopause. my husband is not looking ofrward to the real thing. he did follow me around with a fan for 4 months.
Like Cartouche, i used to be cold all the time too. Now I'm like one of those radiator heaters they used to tell you not to perch on the rim of your bathtub. There's no in between. And Mother Nature is apt in the feminine: hot, cold, breeze, hurricane, babbling brook, raging floodwaters ... to be female embodied is to be cyclical - it's all goooood, baby!
I've had hot flashes all my life, and rages, and weepy days. And bad PMS. Oh crap. When does this thing usually start? Is there time for me to have a sex change?
Indie Girl - Just keep that fan at the ready.

Teresa - Me? I'm not loving the "cyclical" aspect so much.

Cruel Wench - That could be an answer, but... then you'd have to deal with the whole "shrinkage" thing, and you could never ask for directions.....
Preaching to the choir here. I think hormone replacement kept me out of the Big House. Catching up on your blogs is a treat.