Now that I have your attention (well, some of you, anyway,) can we talk? I've been thinking about this a lot. For a long time. I want a man. Not just any man, mind you. A very specific man.
Let's be very clear here. I already have a man, a man of long-standing. Over thirty years, as a matter of fact. And I'm not looking to get rid of this particular man, nosirree. After all, we have a history together, we have a home, a family; you know, all the trappings. Trappings. Now there's an interesting word.
Nevertheless, I want a man. Don't judge me. Hear me out. It's really very simple. This is no "mid-life crisis thing" (no, it's not just men who have them, trust me, women do, too.) Been there, done that. Thank God that's over. No, this is far more profound than that. This is a case of a 50-ish woman who has been busy emptying the skeletons from the closets of her life; a woman who has finally shed enough baggage and bullshit to look at her life with an honest eye for the first time. That 50-ish woman is me and what I have discovered is that I am a far different woman than the girl with stars in her eyes who married her high-school sweetheart.
In that respect, I am no different than thousands of other women. Who among us can possibly know what, or who, they want from life when they know nothing of LIFE? It would be the rare person who could be discerning enough at such a young age to make decisions they will be happy to live with ... well, forever. Now, I know that marriage, or any long-term relatiolnship between two adults is a series of choices. Real commitment requires choosing to stay, choosing to fall in love all over again with the same person, choosing to remember that life doesn't happen in a vacuum. Our choices have a ripple effect with ever-widening circles that expand as the years pass.
I know all of these things and I have made my decisions. But that doesn't keep me from wanting. Which brings us full-circle back to the place where we began. I want a man.
The man I want may exist only in my mind. Or he could, possibly, be out there ... somewhere. I don't know. Nevertheless, be he real or imaginery, this is who he is.
He is a gentleman and a gentle man. He cherishes me. My worth to him is unmistakable. He loves me because of who I am; and in spite of who or what I am not. His love never wavers; it's not dependent on his mood, or upon any of my own successes or failures. He understands the reason why women have been referred to at times as the "weaker sex;" and he knows that it has nothing to do with a woman's strength or abilities, but instead that being the "weaker sex" means a woman deserves his respect and deference. He knows there are things you never say to a woman, that her heart should always be protected because once it is broken, it will heal, but there will be callouses where it has healed.
The man I want makes me feel like a woman because just as I know he can't keep his hands off me, he aches to know what is in my mind, my heart. He "gets" me on every level. He makes me laugh, he's always on my side - right or wrong, because even if I'm wrong, he knows I'll find my way around to that discovery because of who I am. He makes me feel safe. I can let my guard down completely with him. He knows that there will be times I am right and times I'm not, but he doesn't feel compelled to "teach" me. We are equal in heart and mind.
I want a man. I want THIS man.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Yawp
lorianne
old new lefty
rita shibr
Antonino's Shoulder
JoeBono
Salon.com
Comments
They often are in the same place as the woman. They have seen the dance for 3 decades, and missed out on building the right relationship in their lives.
They love their wives, but realize that the relationship they built with the wife started when both were immature.
They exist...there is no doubt of that.
Question is...are you SURE you really want one? : )
j lynne - I wish I knew
I need to pick right the first time, don't I? Or is this feeling inevitable?
Very nice post, and funny too sorta.
LovinFeelin, being a man does not make me an autopmatic expert, but thanks for the vote of confidense. : )
See..such men exist.
It is a very difficult place to be. ..but if it helps any, then know that there are thousands and thousands of people in the same place.
Too bad marriage isn't illegal until 40 plus years old. We'd all be smarter, and there would be a lot less ground clutter in relationships.
Owl - thank you, my friend. I hope so too.
Very wise words, indeed. Thank you for your straightforward and common sense comment.
It is what we choose to do with change that is the source of so much conjecture and, at times, angst.
How we as individuals deal with it...the decisions we make,..they define us. They shape the years to come, and all the sudden, you are looking back in another 10 years having not adjusted to the most recent change. Your life is not nailed down from this point on, so change continues to happen.
Best of luck in your quest. : )
This commentary got very serious. Thanks for being so open chatting.
JD, will you be around for me when I get a bit older and wiser? (j/k)
Good luck. There are more of us out there - just keep looking.
I've been looking for woman to save my life:
Not to beg or to borrow.
A woman with the feeling of losing once or twice,
Who knows how it could be tomorrow.
THAT man for you is out there. But with in a strong relationship that has weathered so many choices, do you really want to find him and realize that things could have been so different?
R~!
Frank - wow - LOVE those lyrics.
Winda - Girl, you're cracking me up! You guys are killing me here - angst, hysterical laughter, angst, laughter... I think I may have whiplash! Let me add "chiropractor" to my list of THAT man qualities.
Kirsty - you are a wise woman, indeed, my friend.
Scanner - Aww, Scanner, I do so love the way you have of putting things in perspective. Thank you for that.
Patricia - Very well said and oh, so true.
Rita - What it would be like to have a soft place to fall.
Ah, yes, I so often wonder about that. Thanks for the compassion, Rita. I'm sending mine to you, too. (compassion, that is) ;-)
I am struck by a recurring phrase in one of Lea Lane's recent posts about her new man. She kept repeating in her post: And he loves me! Wow! What a most powerful place to be.
But that man in my bedroom is also all too often a petulant child who is prone to handing out emotional gut punches when he feels slighted, misunderstood or angry. That is not to say that he doesn't have more good qualities than bad. He does. He is a good man, a decent man, a good father and grandfather. I've made the choice over and over again to stay, to make the effort, to find a way, to silence that voice in my heart. The one that says, "When is it my turn? When does someone take care of me?"
Let me be clear here. This isn't a personal ad. I'm not looking for a different man, or an additional man. I'm not going anywhere. As I've said, I made my choices. But, as Rita Shibr so eloquently put it, "What would it be like to have a soft place to fall?"
Except I don't want her to make me feel like a woman. And I want her to say (in her sweetest voice); "size doesn't really matter," and sound like she means it.
Oh boy. Now that I've admitted I've posted that I've fallen in love with a man with most of the qualities you hoped for, I have to say that it took me many, many years of looking, and many years of accepted solitude.
And I want to add that the fine man I married at 21 was right for that time --I needed him. And the fine man I married in my middle age was right for that time. He needed me.
This new man? We choose to be with each other for the reasons I stated in my recent post. I'm running out of time, so I hope this might be it. I do think that the older you get, the more you look for the things that last.
I do understand your wondering. There are no easy answers.
Lea - There is a lot of wisdom here in this place. Amazing wisdom. There are always more questions than there ever will be answers. I'm glad you found THAT man, Lea. I'm happy for you, truly happy. :-)
Sometimes I agree with my friend's mother who once stated 'I wouldn't have another if he was gold-plated and his arse was studded with diamonds.' Other times I want the same man as you describe.
I hope you find everything you need and want, for as long as possible!
I have read your Wish List several times now. I just returned from spending 6 glorious days with my love and I must say that this man you dream of exists in my life. We exist as this for each other...and it took us our own 42 years to find it. Perhaps we would not have found it in each other 20 years ago, but who we have become separately has allowed us to be the perfect mate for the other.
I am grateful. I am amazed. I am humbled.
I have a man. I have THIS man.
And I love him in my soul.
I would like to be that man.
Maybe not for you, or maybe, but this sounds like quite the man.
An uber man of the soul.
Maybe I can add a couple of things. Being with that man is easy. Very very easy. Simply because if it were hard, he wouldn't be that man. Effortless, with all the energy going into engaging with the world and each others heart, because there isn't all the static and interpersonal overhead.
Not a bad thing for men to think about. Being that kind of fellow.
But.....
A question.
Is it *ONE* man? Or maybe is it several. The perfect lover. The intellectual guy to have long lunches and discuss the meaning of meaning. The buddy, who is so emotionally in touch, that you barely have to explain. The get it guy. With the shoulder to cry on, but not so many needs himself. The fun guy that knows all the right places that are better than those you could imagine.
Maybe you already have some of these men now. Or maybe not so much.
Mine.
I'm gonna make her read this;)
I agree that such men exist. Yet for a bigger selection, I recommend a European man, especially French or at least one of French descent.
Feminine, honest and romantic.
Rated.
OTOH, that Dennis Knight guy rings a lot of my bells. I bet you he's just like the guy on your list. And he's hot, too.
Now that I've gotten comfortable being alone, I seriously doubt that ANY man would be tolerable to me. Just that expectation (whether in my head or real) is extra stress I don't need. Not enough for the trade-off.
Besides, men my age are creepy. I MEAN IT IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY! ;) Only way I could entertain another man -- he'd have to be at least 15 years younger.
Very thought provoking post.
Rate.
Have you hit a nerve here?
Deargdruchtach - if I really believed that, I would feel hopeless.
OM - Amazing. I'm delighted for you, truly I am.
Nick - How did you do that? Read my mind like that? The part about "being with that man is easy." If I could have just that...
Ger - Or maybe an older brother? :-)
Nikki - so it's not a myth
WSFTC - Yes, definitely make her read it :-)
Thoth - A European man... hmmm. Maybe that's the key.
O'Really - I'm so much more self-aware than I was all those years ago...
LL2 - I will definitely let you know if I find two of them. What do you think the odds are that there are two of them? No, let's don't think about that.
trilogy - my mother always taught me to share, but I have to tell you, if I find him, I'm keeping him. :-)
Skel - You crack me up with your "men my age are creepy."
I've been married for 36 years to the girl I met when I was 21 and she was 19. Jesus, the battles have been tough, but she's stuck by me when most would shoot me. Man, how life has changed since we were but children.
I've enjoyed reading your desires for the perfect man and although I doubt I’ll ever achieve them all, they’re things I think most real men seek to achieve, even if it does take a lifetime to do so. After all, not to sound cliché, but perfection is only an idea and I think if there were no "stars in the eyes," the world would be filled with celibates.
Who in their right mind would voluntarily go down this road without those stars?
JD - looks like it, doesn't it?
odetteroulette - he's late showing up here, too. Tardiness may be his one fault. ;-)
Bob - Who in their right mind would voluntarily go down this road without those stars?
You said a mouthful there, Bob!
hotrod61 - whatever. go play in traffic.
Humans aren't perfect, they make mistakes and those mistakes hurt themselves and others. Such is our nature.
Still, I make a distinction between wanting something and expecting it. I don't expect anyone to ever find a perfect companion, I do however think that searching for something unattainable gives a continuous incentive to improve upon what we already have. As such your desire for such a man, seems to me like, it is the right path to take, not on the road to discovery, but on the road for improvement.