Dear World,
I’m welcoming myself back to the land of the living with a celebratory email to you. Yes, yes, you heard that right. I’ve been among the nearly dead, not physically, but certainly emotionally and probably mentally, as well. I know this will come as a great shock to you, so please, if you feel you might faint or something, please take a seat. If you already have one, don’t get up to go fetch another one. Then you will miss what I’m about to tell you and we don’t want that, now do we?
Yes, it’s true. Everything you’ve suspected, heard, read about in the gossip columns, seen on tv. I have indeed been horribly depressed for the better part of a year. Yes, it was indeed a long time and no, I didn’t reach out to a.n.y.o.n.e. Part of the reason for that is the insidious nature of the disease. You don’t really know how sick you are until you finally begin to get better. And you don’t get better until someone who cares about you pushes, shoves, pulls, pleads and threatens you into going to see a doctor. It may be your decision ultimately, but the motivation behind it comes from someone else pushing you to make that decision. I would have bet money that I would never find myself on the wrong side of depression to that degree ever again. But I was wrong.
I suspect it had much to do with all the happenings that knocked the wind out of me, beginning in February of 2005 with my Daddy’s death and continuing unabated until there was a slight reprieve in mid 2007. By that time, my thinking was so muddled I couldn’t have found my way out of a paper bag over my head. I may have even still had the wherewithal to recognize the warning signs then, if I hadn’t been prone to write it all off to normal feelings of depression that one would expect after two-plus years of non-stop shock. So, I gave it time. Bad decision. Because, what I actually did was give the depression time to tighten its grip on me and drive me even closer to the cliff. By the start of 2008, I was in big trouble health wise, but I was unable to recognize it. I don’t believe I ever realized, until now, the full extent of depression’s death grip over me. It’s such a dastardly disease. So sneaky and so deadly. It steals your soul, piece by piece, slowly and silently until there is hardly anything left that even remotely resembles you. And all the while, you’re left thinking that you’re handling everything fine and dandy. That if you could just change this part or that part of your life, the misery would abate, your smile would return and all would be well with the world. Not true. Not one damn thing about that thinking is true. It’s all an illusion caused by the demon of depression. Oh, he’s good, that one. Really good. He slowly drives you insane, convincing you to push everyone away, while he makes you believe that you’re the only sane one of the bunch. That there is something inherently wrong with everyone else. Very scary stuff. It takes a long time to come to the end of yourself with that scenario playing incessantly in your head.
But I finally made it there—to the end of myself. To the place where I couldn’t do anything else but reach out for help. I called my doctor. Come in, he said. This is not right. He talked me down, he adjusted my meds, he held my hand and said, “It will get better.” And I didn’t believe him, but it just felt so damn good to hear someone I trusted say it that I let myself relax into that belief for just a moment. It’s kind of akin to the feeling you get when you go to Weight Watchers and you feel really good when you come home, even though nothing has changed. Nothing has changed except that you took some action and that little tiny thing gives you a boost. So, I took that feeling and held on to it for as long as I could, probably until I walked out the door of his office. Then I went home and started on the new regimen of medicine with no expectation that things would change. No hope. None.
But, again, I was wrong. It has been fourteen days, Exactly fourteen days. I have energy, I have plans, dreams, ambitions. I want to re-do my office at home. I want to go back to work. I want to remodel my bathroom. I’m writing again. And I’m excited about it. I no longer feel old and used up and worthless. Fourteen days. It took five years for depression to methodically destroy me and it has taken fourteen days for my brain to re-orient, to put the pieces back together again.
I still have a long way to go. I know I’m better, but I also know I’ll get much better still. I’m back and I want to stay back. I don’t want to go away again. I wish there was some kind of a device that could warn against impending depression. Something with one of those ominous warning gongs that clangs and moans and scares everyone so that they pay attention. But there’s not anything like that. So I have to learn to be more vigilant. I can’t let that demon rob me of any more years.
photo courtesy of 00emochick00
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just phyllis for now
Robin Robinson
cheshyre grin
gremadcha
divorcedpauline
Darla Carmichael
Salon.com
Comments
You've been in my thoughts and prayers for a while now, I hope you know that. This morning, you put a smile on my face.
Rated.
Kudos and rated for honesty and bravery.
Just a note here: I know that our planned trip to Texas was put on hold by our son's death, but it has not been canceled...we are still coming down there and we are still gonna buy you some of the best Mexican food Houston has to offer....not to mention a few stiff drinks.
basking in the light with you,
Amanda
(I hope this reaches a lot of women who can't see the light today)
I want some of what you are having.
Glad you are better.
You write well of that damned voice that can be so destructive and so insidious. Am so glad to hear that the sun is indeed shining again and you feel strong.
((hugs))
Pilgrim - thank you, dear friend, for your sincere good wishes. I'm smiling here!
scanner - it's amazing how much energy I've found! Depression be damned - I'm going to have fun!
Bill - you are such a dear. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers - I count you among the many dear friends who have been instrumental in my recovery. We're smiling together this morning!
Kind of Blue - I agree - it's important to share our experiences so that others know there is hope and a light at the end of that long, dark tunnel - a light that isn't a train. Thank you!
LL2 - Funny you should ask that. How do you know? That's the most difficult part, because as Elisa says in her comment, depression robs us of all perspective. What I realized when I started to get better was that the confusion I had felt for so long was gone and I felt SURE again. All the confusion and doubt was gone. Clear thoughts - what a miracle.
sophie - a foggy abyss - that's the best description of depression ever. That's exactly what it feels like.
Elisa - "Once perspective is regained, we are often appalled at the truth of the situation." So very true, Elisa. Thank you for stating such an important truth.
Scarlett - you made me smile with your Yay! :-)
Kat C - absolutely - a huge breakthrough. The sun is shining again
David - my dear, dear friend. I know you have worried and prayed and cared. Your friendship has been a beacon of light for me in the incredible darkness. And I can't wait to sit down and eat good old Tex-Mex with you and Mel. You just let me know when. Love you!
Amanda - I share your hope that this post finds its way to many men and women who need to read it. Depression is a mean bitch. Thanks, Amanda, for sharing in my joy!
rita - my friend. one of these days, you and I are going to be able to sit down and share a glass of wine and I'll bet we won't stop talking for hours, days even!
ladyfarmer - I think everyone should have some of what I'm having! Thank you for your warm wishes.
dirndl skirt - I'm planning to be skipping too fast for that demon depression to reach my heels! :-)
mypsyche - thank you, D. It's surprising to find my joy again. I was sure it was lost forever. But I was wrong and I'm so glad I was wrong. And, I even have most of my voice back - it's better than a croak, but not 100% yet. Getting there, though. xoxo
shimmershadow - the feeling good after coming from the nadir you nailed it - it's fabulous!
I am so glad to hear you're feeling better, and that maybe we'll be seeing more of you...
This needs to be said for anyone who is struggling with this but doesn't know what it is.
R
There can never be enough said about depression.
Blessings and love...sharon
A wonderful read!!!!!!!!
On the up side, many people who suffer from depression are the strongest, most creative and generous people around. I am continually amazed by the resiliency and intelligence of the people I know who've battled the disease.
Enjoy the new you!
Put your feet up and stay awhile.
Then you can get busy on that bathroom remodel.
Wear a mask for the dusty work. It only makes sense.
Lezlie
Le
Good for you! I’m so glad you are on the right side of this terrible disease and I wish for you to grow stronger and stronger, day by day.
This is indeed an insidious disease. Many of us walk beside you, or have lost loved ones because of mental illness. It is just wonderful to see so many on OS speak openly about their experience with mental illness and to them, and particularly you, dear Unbreakable, I say … Thank You.
Through the simple act of sharing and speaking so openly, we can make a difference. We can talk about the realities of mental illness; about the symptoms and signs; about how we can reach out and help; about the right things to say to someone who is suffering and about the wrong things to say. Bit by bit we can educate others and do our bit to de-stigmatize mental illness. The last thing a sufferer needs is to be burdened with the additional stress of being stigmatized.
From what I see here, Unbreakable, you are treasured by many. You’re writing is just wonderful and your many beautiful qualities shine through your words.
Highly rated. Well done.
rated
John - Thanks for sharing your story, too. Depression is so tricky because it masks its symptoms in so many ways, being physically ill with all sorts of different symptoms is, as you well know and can attest to, one of the ways it manifests. The first time I was diagnosed with depression (when I was 32 years old) it was because I was so angry all the time that I just thought I was losing my mind. It's not just about being sad or weepy. There is so much more to it. And people do need to know that it can manifest in so many different ways. Thanks again, John, and I'm so glad you've been able to keep it at bay for all this time. That's wonderful. A doctor told me once that the more times someone has an episode of untreated depression, the more it increases the chances that they will have another episode. It's self-perpetuating and each episode that goes untreated just makes it more likely to happen again. How's that for a kick in the pants?
M. McKenzie - very good point. The people on the other side need to be as well-informed as the ones suffering from depression.
fernsy - thank you. I agree - it can't be talked about enough.
High Lonesome - thank you!
Cassandra - Sooooo true. I stop writing when I sink into the pit, too. It takes almost an act of Congress to get me to do anything positive when I'm wrapped in depression.
Fusun - thank you
Damion - good advice. I always feel better (at least momentarily and sometimes that is everything) when I do something creative. As hard as it is to do sometimes, it's one of the best things to do to fight it.
Clark - Honestly, I'm looking forward to it too. Who knows what I may write without the shield of depression blurring my vision?
jenshrader - thank you - if it helps even one person, then it's worth it.
lemonpulp - it never ceases to amaze how quickly depression can spiral out of control. A toehold seems to be all it needs to get its claws in sometimes.
mLee - LOL! A sha-boomer! Here's to many more sha-boomer days ahead...
Sharon - I can imagine a lot, so I bet you must be tired from saying all those happy words to me. :-)
Christine - I'm happy too. Now the key is to stay clear of it. Here's hoping you do, as well. :-)
Emo girl - I'm of the same opinion about talk therapy (although I've had enough of it to choke a goat)
Jimmy - thank you for your lovely and kind words.
Writer Mom - And strength and happiness to you too. And I hope they stay with you for a very long time.
Bonnie - Thanks for the happy dance!!
...nextplease - there is so much bravery and courage here, that it encourages one to face the demons and find a way through it. You are one of those brave ones. Thank you for your kind words.
Ablonde - from black and white to HD color - yep, that's what it feels like. Exactly. :-)
trilogy - that is my hope. No one should suffer this disease alone. No one.
Deborah - excellent question. I'm not really comfortable just tossing that information out there. So many people have so many varied opinions about different medication regimens, etc. But if anyone wants to know specifics, feel free to PM me and I'll gladly share the information. Thanks for that suggestion, Deborah.
Emma - beautifully worded and I agree with every word. Thank you!
JD - thanks, my friend. Hey guess what? I got a job - start on Monday. Cool, huh?
Connie Mack - **note to self: mask for the dusty work** Good idea. :-)
the glass character - I couldn't agree more with everything you've said. The stigma of mental illness is alive and well, even in this "enlightened" age. Unbelievable, really, with all the advances in medication and such and the acceptance of so many other things that society once deemed "unspeakable." We have a long way to go with attitudes about mental illness, unfortunately. Thanks for your thoughtful comments.
Lezlie - I'm still working on that. Hopefully I'll get it down sooner rather than later.
Monsieur C - "a tiny picket fence that marks the edge" - what a vivid description of what anti-depressants do. Thank God for that picket fence.
ame i - thank you for your heartfelt comment and your offer of friendship and companionship. I'm so sorry you've suffered at the hands of this horrible disease. Thank you for sharing your story. The more we talk about this, the less stigma there is and the more apt others will be to seek the help that's out there. Thank you.
Strawberry Girl - ah yes, controlling the illness, instead of it controlling you. That's the place where I want to live. Thanks for your thought-provoking comment.
Roger - thank you so much!
scupper - for you to say that this post helped you is all I need to hear to make it worthwhile. Thank you. Be well, my friend.
Little Kate - what a wonderful comment. You've said so many kind things, I feel like I just received a virtual hug. I agree with you that we can't let this illness just stay in the dark. That's whre it thrives. Sunshine - we need lots of sunshine. Thank you again for your very kind words.
Patty Jane - thank you for noticing. I thought that picture was very appropriate. :-)
Julie - you crack me up. Let me join you. **flips depression the finger along with Julie** Take that depression!
Cranky Cuss - I never want to go back either. I'm with you all the way on that one!
@naonaopipi - and of course shopping always does make me feel better, but I would never do my shopping on OS, silly... err, uh... person
Divorce Bard - Frankly, I am quite overwhelmed by all of the love and care showered on me today. I do, indeed, feel a bit like Dorothy - so relieved to be back safe and sound from the Land of Oz. Thank you!
Thank you to everyone for your wonderful comments, well wishes, for sharing your own stories, for all the encouragement and most of all, for all the love. You are all the best of the best! Thank you one and all.
Kim
i am so glad you found your way back to you. (r)
Rated.
So good to hear from you, dear Dan.