It just goes to show you, it’s always something. I’ve never been one to ascribe to this line of thinking, but the tragedies falling like so many dominoes around me for the past six years have flipped a switch within me, turning me into the Roseanne Roseannadanna of the twenty-first century. Mimicking the attitude of the brash, explosive character played by the lovely and talented late Gilda Radner was certainly not something to which I aspired. For most of my life, I have considered myself an unapologetic optimist, a glass-half full kind of gal with a penchant for looking for the proverbial silver lining in every cloud.
I tell you, I thought I was gonna die! Another Roseanne Roseannadanna gem, this phrase has taken on a life of its own for me. Oh, joy! As if I always wanted to be a bitchy, 53-year-old woman with a healthy sense of impending doom. In my previous life - before I became an unrepentant pessimist – friends would have described me as happy, fun-loving, friendly, and (not to be forgotten) optimistic. My smile was perennially plastered on my face. Where the hell has that woman gone?
What are you trying to do, make me sick? I remember when I turned fifty, I was seeing a therapist (and in this case, I use that term very loosely, a more fitting title would be emotional terrorist) who glibly informed me that very often, when women turn fifty, they redefine their lives and emerge as a stronger version of themselves. This she told me as I sat in her office a blubbering, shuddering mass of exploding emotions. A year later, after extensive torturous mining of my shattered emotions, I made the decision to leave her office and never return; resolving instead to find my own way through the minefield that had become my life.
So, how did that work out for me, you may ask. Not so great. Not really great at all. Seems my therapeutic skills leave much to be desired. Hence, the pessimism, bitchiness, doom and gloom attitude, etc, etc.
Having grown weary of being the reincarnation of the brash, road-weary, explosive Ms. Roseannadanna, I jumped back into the pool and found another therapist. She is the polar opposite of my former emotional terrorist therapist. I’m actually starting to believe that the sun may very well rise again and someday I may start looking for those silver linings again.
Maybe I’ll even find my sense of humor again. What a bonus that would be!
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Comments
mimetalker - one day at a time. :)
rr
rated with hugs
Linda - you're a stronger woman than me! If I can find even a little piece of sanity going forward, I'll be deliriously happy!
Nola - I used to think I knew a lot, now I know I know nothing. Yikes!
Everyone - I think I lost a few comments just now. For some reason, I suddenly had two copies of this posted and I deleted one - the comments, of course, went with it. Sorry if you commented and it got lost. :(
Rated.
I have always found your humor to be in tact and lady, we who fight depression/mental illness need it! Good on you for diving back in and trying again. I don't know a soul who doesn't deserve that kind of empathetic care and attention - I'm glad you've found it!
::love::
I'm glad you recognized your therapist wasn't right for you and have found one that is. This made me smile.
I swear, I've had the same therapist on a virtual retainer since 1995 when I was 35! I recently, and very reluctantly, dragged myself back there and it's made a world of difference to me. I just need my head screwed on the right way from time to time. Now I'm booked through March...
At fifty I retired from work, hoping for a bright ,new future. The hardest and toughest work of my life began then and is still ongoing...unpaid at that.
People tell me we are never given more than we can cope with. I'm not sure if that's true but we've both had to work hard to cope over the last decade.
Your SOH, like your talent never goes away. It's still there waiting for better times. May they arrive soon.
To me your writing shows a woman who is deeply connected to her life, while continuing to see humor in the daily struggle. This is, in my opinion, the very definition of mental and emotional health. Write on. Rated with appreciation!
It can be a very hairy ride full of bumps and bruises.
But in the end it is worth it all. I found no pot of gold at the end of mine but did find some inner peace worth much more to me.
Yours is waiting. Just open up to it.
I can't wait to watch you spread those glorious wings again and fly free.
Lezlie
Sparking - Everyone says it's part of the redefining stage - sheesh! I'm ready to be redefined already! xoxo
trilogy - I'm ready to find that smile again, too. Thank you, dear friend. I saw that you posted about your brother again. Headed over to your blog asap - can't wait to read the next fascinating installment.
Lady Dove - thanks - the new therapist makes me smile, too. xoxo
Margaret - "crawling on all fours in the dark, in circles" - yep, I know that one! Here's to finding our way and maybe a bit of wisdom along the way.
Linda P - funny, I used the exact same phrase the other day - about needing my head screwed on right. Thank goodness we both have help available. I've certainly not had any success doing it myself.
Linda C - I've often wondered about that "not giving us more than we can bear" thing. I think if you and I compared notes, we could come up with any number of things that we'd both agree were "unbearable" by our standards. Apparently, we've made it, if only by the skin of our teeth at times, but, sheesh, I'm ready for a bit of Easy Street. I know you are, too, my friend. Love you.
Abby - thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm hoping to feel a little more of that confidence myself in the near future. :)
sophie - feels like I'm swimming against the tide - but maybe that's how we know we're still in the game?
Dear Reader - I don't know - some of the bloodied bodies strewn about around here might feel differently. Hee hee
Matt - thanks for the encouragement. I'm collecting all I can get right now. xoxo
O'Really - Painful, indeed. Looking forward to the new skin and some much needed luminescence. xoxo
maryway - "if you're not feeling anxiety... you're not alive"- if that's true, I must be positively brimming with life! :)
mission - inner peace - yeah, I could do with some of that.
Jerry - oh, I could tell you stories that would curl your toes. I'm just glad I got away before my brain exploded! :D
LL2 - thank you - I know you're well acquainted with emotional turmoil - hoping for a much better 2011 for both of us! xoxo
Lezlie - I'm determined to put all the pieces back together again. What a concept, huh?
Amy - and then there's all the fuss about the Eagle Rights Amendment...
tomreed - I disagree that Gilda was more pitied than admired (she died too young, never had a chance to become all that she could have been), but I appreciate what you're saying. Whoopi Goldberg is certainly someone to be admired - a strong, capable woman who seems to have effortlessly navigated the "redefining" stage of life, someone who knows her own mind and is secure in who she is.
However, the point of my essay was that I've somehow morphed into a caricature of myself (hence, the Roseannadanna reference) and now I'm struggling to find my back from that. Hopefully, I'll find the same kind of path Whoopi found and end up a better version of myself.
Scanner - You know, my forties were good to me. I still felt in control and still felt young. Then my fifties came around and... well, let's just say it hasn't been a bed of roses.
Thanks for the dialogue - quite thought-provoking.
♥