I just read an article about “exercise addiction” and I am happy to report that I DO NOT suffer from this condition. Whew! I will admit to having an addictive personality. Here’s a short list of my own personal addictions:

1.       Chocolate – evidenced by the box of Russell Stover Assorted Creams in my refrigerator

2.       Diet Coke – don’t laugh. It is a well-known fact that addictions to chocolate and diet coke go hand-in-hand. The fail proof theory behind this combo is that one saves calories where one can.

3.       Electronics – One sure-fire way to keep me busy all day long is to drop me off at the local Best Buy store. I’m good for at least nine hours in one of those stores.

4.       Books/Bookstores – Same deal with Barnes and Noble. I can spend hours there (and have, on many occasions.) As for books, I have now fully converted from being a hands-on, has-to-be-a-hardcover REAL book, to an equal opportunity book lover. Hard backs, paper backs, E-books, audio books, Nooks, Kindles, Audible.com – all of it is like crack to me.

5.       Angry Birds – need I say more?

6.       Shopping – Do I even have to tell you that I wake up yearning to shop for chocolate, diet coke, electronics, books… you get the picture.

7.       Shoes – Duh.

8.       Music – Any and all.

9.       Food – Italian, Mexican, Greek, Venezuelan, good old Down Home Cooking, hell, just food, food, food.

I could go on and on, but let’s get back to my original point, which was that I do not now, nor have I ever, suffered from an addiction to exercise. You may ask how I can be so sure, given my well-documented laundry list of addictions. Fair enough. According to the aforementioned article, the following is what Exercise Addiction looks like:

·         Withdrawal symptoms, such as unusual irritability, when you are unable to engage in exercise – HA! Ha ha ha ha ha! Not only have I never experienced irritability of any kind when I couldn’t exercise, quite the contrary; I experience extreme bouts of euphoria when I am confronted by blocks of time during which I can do ABSOLUTELY nothing involving physical activity.

·         Tolerance, meaning you need increasing amounts of the substance or behavior over time. I’m convinced that one would actually need to engage in at least a moderate amount of said behavior, i.e.; exercise, to reach the point at which one would have a need for increasing amounts. I can safely say that I’ve been able to completely avoid the possibility that this calamity may ever befall me.

·         Significant conflicts in your life, such as missing work or avoiding other responsibilities, caused by the compulsion to engage in the addictive behavior. Seriously?! Missing work or avoiding responsibilities to engage in the “E” word. Not on your life. As a matter of fact, whenever I accidentally utter the “E” word, I speedy-quick wash my mouth out with chocolate, just to be safe.

I’ve implemented a couple of safeguards to ensure that I never fall into the dreaded trap of exercise addiction. Some of you may find these helpful.

1.       Although shopping is definitely on my list of acceptable addictions, I always avoid large shopping malls, preferring instead to frequent strip malls where it is not necessary to walk from store to store. Nay, one can actually drive from store to store. The closest I come to exercise when shopping in this manner is lugging the occasional heavy bag to my car. Fortunately, some of my favorite stores are apparently aware of the danger of exercise addiction, as they now offer to transport my heavy bags to a central pick-up location. And yes, you guessed it; I can drive my car to the pick-up location. Score!

2.       I have locked in the impossibility that I will ever again, in a moment of insanity, look at my fat ass and decide to join a gym to take care of that extra 20, okay FINE! – 40 pounds of unsightly fat. You may be wondering how I accomplished this. Easy-peasy! After impulsively forking over countless joining fees and paying untold amounts on monthly membership dues without ever darkening the door of any of those costly fitness clubs, my husband has announced he would literally strangle me were I to even mention a desire to throw away our money in that manner even one more time.

3.       Mirrors – the kiss of death. Any time I accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, I have trained myself to immediately look away. I have become a pro at avoiding mirrors or any type of shiny reflective surfaces. I know. It’s a gift.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must away. It’s time to engage in some addictive behavior, namely, sitting on my butt with my feet propped up while I watch Big Brother.