My inner smart ass is out of control. Lately, every time I turn around, she is running her mouth (that would be my mouth) and trying to get me in trouble. Problem is, she is very entertaining to me (probably not so much to others, but too freakin’ bad, she says) and I’m torn between squashing her and giving her the freedom to let it rip.

Just this morning I was reading a blog by a certain blogger who shall remain nameless and it was all I could do to keep my inner smart ass in check. (Let’s call her Uncontrollable so I don’t have to keep typing my inner smart ass over and over.) She was determined to be a crotchety old bitch and tell said blogger how asinine the premise of his/her blog was and that he/she should probably try writing about something with which he/she is familiar. I was forced to quickly navigate away from the page to keep her in check.

I didn’t do such a good job reining in Uncontrollable two days ago when she whipped up a smartly worded, lengthy, and stinging email to my boss in response to an email he sent which rubbed her (okay, yeah, and me too) the wrong way. I did manage to keep her from actually writing the words “are you effing kidding me?” but it was definitely implied in the witty rejoinders and thinly veiled references to his ineptitude. The first question my husband asked me when I got home last night was, “Well, did you get fired?” No. Not yet, anyway.

My email may have been a bit over the top, but I still maintain it was Uncontrollable’s doing. She’s a feisty one, that one. I do deserve some credit, though, for not allowing her to send the following, which was her initial attempt at answering the boss’s email.

I read your email with barely controlled rage and would like to thank you for managing to completely de-motivate me with your insipid questions. It’s obvious from your irrelevant and pointless questions that you have no clue what is actually going on in my branch. From that, I can assume that you also are not aware that sales in this office have increased a whopping 163% over last year when this branch was a certified shit hole before you hired me in January. I’m attaching some visual aids in the form of spreadsheets and graphs showing the increase in sales and gross profit. I suggest you print them out and hang them somewhere within your line of vision. Perhaps that will keep you from sending additional uninformed and insulting emails like the one you sent me this morning. And remember, it’s always good to engage your brain before opening your mouth. 

Have a GREAT day!

The email that actually did wend its way through the ether was essentially the same, but the message was couched in slightly more palatable terms.

I can only tell you that the older I get, the harder it is to control Uncontrollable (hence, the name.) I suppose there is a lot to be said for diplomacy, but it has lost most of its luster as I’ve aged. Biting sarcasm and bitchiness, on the other hand, beckon to me like shiny pieces of gold.

One last word of caution: don’t try this at home. It is intended for mature audiences only and is performed on a closed track by trained professionals.