Unbreakable's Pearls of Wisdom...

...and Foolish Mutterings

Unbreakable

Unbreakable
Location
Down the rabbit hole, Texas,
Birthday
December 06

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OCTOBER 7, 2011 12:29PM

On the Tip of My Tongue

Rate: 21 Flag

My inner smart ass is out of control. Lately, every time I turn around, she is running her mouth (that would be my mouth) and trying to get me in trouble. Problem is, she is very entertaining to me (probably not so much to others, but too freakin’ bad, she says) and I’m torn between squashing her and giving her the freedom to let it rip.

 

Just this morning I was reading a blog by a certain blogger who shall remain nameless and it was all I could do to keep my inner smart ass in check. (Let’s call her Uncontrollable so I don’t have to keep typing my inner smart ass over and over.) She was determined to be a crotchety old bitch and tell said blogger how asinine the premise of his/her blog was and that he/she should probably try writing about something with which he/she is familiar. I was forced to quickly navigate away from the page to keep her in check.

 

I didn’t do such a good job reining in Uncontrollable two days ago when she whipped up a smartly worded, lengthy, and stinging email to my boss in response to an email he sent which rubbed her (okay, yeah, and me too) the wrong way. I did manage to keep her from actually writing the words “are you effing kidding me?” but it was definitely implied in the witty rejoinders and thinly veiled references to his ineptitude. The first question my husband asked me when I got home last night was, “Well, did you get fired?” No. Not yet, anyway.

 

My email may have been a bit over the top, but I still maintain it was Uncontrollable’s doing. She’s a feisty one, that one. I do deserve some credit, though, for not allowing her to send the following, which was her initial attempt at answering the boss’s email.

 

Dear Fearless Leader,  

 

I read your email with barely controlled rage and would like to thank you for managing to completely de-motivate me with your insipid questions. It’s obvious from your irrelevant and pointless questions that you have no clue what is actually going on in my branch. From that, I can assume that you also are not aware that sales in this office have increased a whopping 163% over last year when this branch was a certified shit hole before you hired me in January. I’m attaching some visual aids in the form of spreadsheets and graphs showing the increase in sales and gross profit. I suggest you print them out and hang them somewhere within your line of vision. Perhaps that will keep you from sending additional uninformed and insulting emails like the one you sent me this morning. And remember, it’s always good to engage your brain before opening your mouth. 

Have a GREAT day!

 

The email that actually did wend its way through the ether was essentially the same, but the message was couched in slightly more palatable terms.

 

I can only tell you that the older I get, the harder it is to control Uncontrollable (hence, the name.) I suppose there is a lot to be said for diplomacy, but it has lost most of its luster as I’ve aged. Biting sarcasm and bitchiness, on the other hand, beckon to me like shiny pieces of gold.

 

One last word of caution: don’t try this at home. It is intended for mature audiences only and is performed on a closed track by trained professionals.

  

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I would like to hire your Inner Smart Ass to write an email to my boss. I seem to have misplaced mine. Enjoyed this!
sophie - Hey, maybe I can start a business with my Inner Smart Ass! Thanks!!
ROFLMAO! You must have read my blog! Seriously though, I have always loved your Inner Smart Ass and look forward to seeing it peek out again from time to time.
It seems that as a society we have forgotten the beauty of the truth. I know it must be sugar coated at times, but the truth is more important now than ever before. Go ahead, speak it loud and clear! r.
Funny stuff. Keep the inner smart ass coming.
David - I was late to the party, but I did read your blog and heartily concur. Maybe I can keep my Inner Smart Ass confined to my blog and away from my work email. It's bound to be safer that way!

desert_rat - So true! The truth is in short supply, that's for damn sure.

Ger - Thanks. I do rather enjoy her company, so shouldn't be a problem. ;-)
Send it from someones computer you also hate and really enjoy it Uncontrollable. My best .........o/e
Oh My, Kim. "let it rip"
I can so relate - with age comes a lot more "Uncontrollable-ness"
People at my workplace always count on me for saying what they are afraid to say!
you know and I know, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

unleash the beast!
If your boss happens to see this post of yours then your ether email will theoretically wind up in his mailbox regardless of not hitting the sent button ;-) ~But I say Here! Here! on letting your dark side shine bright. You have a right to cut loose. As long as no one gets killed but is only made stronger in the process. heh heh. The more a person has traipsed this nonsensical earth full of On Mars People, the more likely an inner beast will rear it's ugly head. Go Girl Go. It's time your inner child gets to spank someone!
I think you should start your own business and call it "Inner Smart Ass." Good read. Rated.
o/e - I don't know, if you saw the email I did send, you'd probably think he got the message anyway. :)

trilogy - Ah, a fellow "boat-rocker". I'm always the one who says what everyone else is thinking. It's a gift.

Monkey - seems to be happening more and more lately!

Charlie - it could happen, I suppose, but life goes on and sometimes, people just need a damn wake-up call. Thanks for reading and commenting, BTW!
Erica - I think you're right. Just think how much fun that would be!
Perhaps you should tell your boss: "Attitudes are contagious; mine might kill you". (Shoutout to despair.com, where I first saw this.)

Naw, don't bother. He wouldn't get it.
Boanerges - you are exactly right - he wouldn't get it. But I love that quote - good one!
There's a whole lot more on despair.com. My personal favourite is: "Customer service -- because we're not satisfied until you're not satisfied."
This is so funny Kim! They say people lose their "filters" as they get older or maybe they just don't care so much what others think!! Hahaha!
I need an Inner Smart Ass drill sargeant. I need sharper quicker skills to keep up with my kids who are young, fast and embody snark.
Susie - I think you're right on both points - we lose our filters because we just don't care as much. It's very freeing. :)
Linnnn - I wish I had the wit and the high snark factor of my kids - they are amazing! Especially my eldest son - that boy has a razor sharp wit and talk about fast - it's like a machine gun!
You must have had the same kind of day at work that I did. For now I have reigned in my "inner smart ass" but I think she has evolved into a real effin' bitch. Good thing it's a long weekend in Canada, she may (or may not) be mellowed out by Tuesday.
I too love your inner smart ass and beg you not to change a thing

We've earned the right to be bitingly sarcastic and bitchy. Power to the uncontrollables!
Perhaps it's about time you bought a rifle and practiced sitting on your front porch shouting, every few minutes, "Git off my lawn!" Well, allowing Uncontrollable to do the shouting.
Viva Inner Smart Ass! And, heck, isn't one of the consolations of becoming older giving the crochety and curmugeonly their due--especially when inspired/abraded by such as the fearless leader (and now we know why he is fearless!)?
You will like this post, also from yesterday.

http://open.salon.com/blog/danagram/2011/10/07/writing_and_editing_in_the_no_rant_zone
Very good! I am with you all the way. My tolerance for bull is at an all-time low also. Smart asses of the world unite!
Scarlett - hate to hear that you had a similarly shitty (sorry, no other word is suitable) day. Hope the long(ish) weekend provides you with sufficient intestinal fortitude to face the heathens again next week.

Linda - Amen, sister! Uncontrollable Sarcastic Bitches unite!

Chicken Maaan - How do you know I don't do that already?

Jerry - I've always struggled with keeping my Inner Bitch contained. I do believe advancing age is just the ticket for letting her roam free!

Myriad - thanks for the reading tip - and the plug. :)

Spudman - must be in the air, huh?
Rated as soon as I saw "my inner smart-ass..." I think that being in Texas has got all our smart asses out of control...
My inner smart ass wishes she had the balls of your inner smart ass. My good fairy keeps shutting her up just when a really good zinger wells up... good one
My inner smartass is so nasty and hateful to me that pretty soon she's going to be my outer smartass and force ME inside.
you know what i think it is, sister kim? when we were younger, we had to have patience - when we had little kids we were raising, when we were trying to get ahead in the world, when we were trying to figure out who was who - and we couldn't go popping off without serious consequences. and now that we're older (well, i am, but it's relative, you know), the patience is wearing thin. no patience for BS, for stupidity, for asshats. and when patience is *gone*, well, it's better to be a smart ass than to inflict the kind of physical punishment that the smart ass is thinking but not doing.

~linking arms witchoo~
blueicap - Texas is the birthplace of the real-deal smart ass. I was raised on smart-ass, so it's in my blood. Not a bad thing - it can be very entertaining, just gets a little hairy when one wants to unleash it on one's boss.

Dawn - My good fairy tries, but she's no match for my gorilla-sized Inner Smart Ass.

Margaret - I laughed out loud when I read your comment. You win the prize for best comment! Hey, if we get our Inner Smart Asses together, we could rule the world... Think about it

Candace - I think you nailed it, girlfriend. It's a natural progression. I'm liking it. Yep.
did we once work for the same moron? i so get this. and your desire to send the message...
lemonpulp - either that or there are just too many of them out there to number...