I was never one to keep a journal, not until blogging came along, anyway. I much prefer blogging to keeping a journal because, truth be told, I'm all about the attention and accolades. Not much of that going on with a journal, since they are supposed to be private and all. I have a kind of split personality thing when it comes to private vs. attention-seeking. There are many things about which I can be very private, but even those aren't sacred given my temperment at a given moment.
I've written blogs, right here on OS actually, spur-of-the-moment verbal purgings that were better left unsaid. Thank goodness for clear-thinking friends who encouraged me to delete those blogs that would certainly have come back to haunt me later. (You know who you are. Thank you. Seriously. Thank you.)
It's not only in the blog-o-sphere that I exhibit this impulsive, spontaneous explosion of action with little or no forethought. I tend towards the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants school of thought. If a random thought grabs my attention and seems appealing at the time, I'm just as likely as not to act upon it. This drives my husband insane, he of the infinite planning, studying and considering persuasion. For example, I know he is sweating bullets right now, afraid that I will impulsively change jobs because of the horrendous (my word, not his) slight leveled upon me recently by my boss. Hubby has made it his mission in life of late to convince me that the entire episode was unintentional (on the boss's part) and blown out of proportion (on my part.) I'm still deciding. In the meantime, my resume is getting a good dusting off and feelers are going out. No harm in that, right? Right, but let's just keep this to ourselves, shall we? No need to ruffle hubby's feathers for now.
So, we've established that I'm impulsive, that I often speak (or write) before I think, and that I'm a certified smart-ass (see previous blog for clarification on that last point.) I can live with that. There are worse traits to possess (or to be possessed by, for that matter.) I can also be extremely diplomatic when need be, although I find less and less need of that particular trait. It is a handy tool to keep on hand, as long as it's not overused. I am open-minded and willing to consider other viewpoints, but I am also quite sure of my core beliefs. I like a good joke, in fact, I LOVE a good joke. Don't hate me for this, but I am one of those people who is incapable of not laughing when someone falls down, gets hit by a ceiling fan blade (long story) or runs in to a wall. It's funny. Even if you don't laugh, you know it's funny.
There is so much more I could write about myself, but I'll forego that, unless, of course, you insist and then I could go on and on. PM me if you're really curious. But I digress.
What I have gleaned by reading back through a good many of the blogs I've written over the past two years on OS is this: when I believe something, I believe it with my whole heart. I throw myself into believing it to the point that everything else ceases to have meaning. Nothing exists for me except that moment in time and I am 100% sold out to it. There are no more corners to turn, no different paths to consider, there is just the pervasiveness of that very moment. This can be a dangerous thing. (And may very well explain why my husband is hell-bent on convincing me that I am over-reacting to a perceived slight - or as he likes to put it - spinning out of control.)
Although I am loathe to admit it, his viewpoint may very well have some validity. **cough, cough, choke, choke** What drives me to this conclusion is that in reviewing some of my writings from a year or more ago, I see that I was so completely enveloped in what was happening AT THAT MOMENT, there was no way I could possibly conceive of what awaited me around the next corner. To say that my life has changed 180 degrees in the last year is an understatement of mammoth proportions. Life does indeed go on, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, sometimes it just gets better, but it never stays the same.
It's true that we make choices that effect our lives for better or worse. It's true that we often let the river of life carry us wherever it may. It's true that we can step off that ride at any time and change the course of our lives. All of these statements are proven and true and each one of them is worthy of an essay devoted entirely to that one single truth.
The choices we make are influenced by our nature. My nature is impulsive, compulsive and habitually spontaneous. Does the awareness of this fact change the way I react to a given situation? I don't know. The simple fact that I have finally become aware of all of the aforementioned seems to prove to me the value of keeping a journal - be it online or personal.
Why does this matter? It probably doesn't to anyone except me. This is me, thinking out loud. And this is me, saying thank you to all of you who have been with me on this amazing journey. I have learned from you, been admonished by you, had my views broadened by you - and it's all there in black and white for me to ponder.
I'm still pondering.