Unbreakable's Pearls of Wisdom...

...and Foolish Mutterings

Unbreakable

Unbreakable
Location
Down the rabbit hole, Texas,
Birthday
December 06

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DECEMBER 9, 2011 11:27AM

We Have To Do Something!

Rate: 29 Flag
fat

 art courtesy of Vivian Freeland

This morning, my husband walked into the bathroom where I was working my magic with makeup (leave me to my delusions, would you?) and said to me, “These are my biggest fat jeans. We’re going to have to do something.”

 

Excuse me. “WE?” My initial impulse was to blast him with a stream of words so foul; they should be uttered only by Satan himself while sitting on the toilet. But I held my tongue. Still, hours later, here I sit, replaying the scene in my mind. Here are some of my thoughts, for those of you lucky enough (and when I say lucky enough, I mean with the bad fortune) to stumble across my screed this morning.

 
  1. I am still struggling mightily to make peace with my own issues with the dreaded middle aged spread. What makes you think that I want to take on yours as well?
  2. Do I look like the Grand Solution Poobah to you, or are you just so accustomed to my intervention on your behalf for all things that make you uncomfortable that it’s a natural assumption that this is a “we” problem? Don’t answer that – it’s rhetorical.
  3. Need I remind you that neither of us cares much for dinner, making that the only meal which you eat that I have control over? Ergo, if we rarely eat dinner, am I not already doing my part for your “campaign of svelte” by not cooking fatty, calorie-laden foods for you every night? The fact that I loathe cooking in general is moot. In this instance, I’m doing you a favor.
  4. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems obvious to me that if I don’t have the intestinal fortitude necessary to haul my fat ass up off the couch to do my own exercise routine, chances are pretty good that I won’t be much help to you in that department. The ball’s in your court on this one, dear.
  5. Lastly, are you calling me fat? Because unless you have a frog in the pocket of those jeans, your use of the pronoun “we” pointedly says that you are including me in your list of those who “need to do something.”
 

So, go on with your bad self. Knock yourself out. Diet, run, jump, fast and pray – whatever you feel inclined to do. But leave me to my jolly, fluffy self. I will keep praying that some morning I will awaken to find a pile of ugly fat lying beside me in bed (no, not YOU, dear, I’m speaking of MY fat.) My dreams will have come true and the skinny woman inside of me will have escaped at last.

 

 

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You crack me up. Perhaps he was using the "Royal" we. ~r
You give him too much credit, Joanie. Alas.
WE bumped. You not fat. You may be plump.
No wear high heal pink-pumps in the bathtub.
It's fun to bump and wear a porkpie hat to bed.
You can take my anguish away any day with kiss.
huh?
Just place a few kisses under my lace pillow in bed.
I don't mean you literally come into bed to do kiss.
You know. Pretend. That's innocent. It anticipation.
Dat `a` great daydream . . . smile. blow kisses to you.

If we growl hunger pangs in bath no eat `duck.
Never play an electrical tuba horn in bathtubs.
Blow a bullhorn or a sheep shofar for `Peace.
Art - I'm blowing kisses to you as we speak. xxxx
Great piece, and so true! It's enough working on ourselves, let the man do his own diet / exercise routine and leave you out of it.
Very funny. My day when I say those words to Kirsty is probably coming and I expect the same kind of response from her.
Aren't we funny?
I think your husband should get an earful of your clever and sensible tirade. I'm one of those lucky ones who doesn't have to listen to or lecture a middle aged spouse. Thanks for the humor.

R♥
some of our men are so used to us being the fixers. not saying which men exactly, no siree, not naming names, not rolling my eyes at anyone who is sucking it in to get that button buttoned, oh no, not me. what? no, i didn't. i did not say ...

hilarious, my fluffy friend. "we" indeed. pfffft.
At least he didn't say "you" should do something.
He wanted a running mate? Wait...that's politics...

Me? I never use the word "fat." Not in my lexicon (I had to look it up to use it here). I have "baggy" jeans.
Have you considered the possibility that he feels large enough to speak of himself as more than one?

We know at our house, we have. :-D
I think "we" should go shopping for larger jeans...
I feel lucky for finding this to read.
Whee! Have to do something!!

No? Well, it was worth a shot. OK, how about
"Those might be your fat jeans, honey, but these aren't my mom jeans. You're a big boy (*really* big ha ha ha) and can solve that one all by yourself."
LMAO!!!!!!! This is the funniest thing I've read in ages. Don't you just love 'em?

Lezlie
Ah Kim, I can always count on you to do a blog so funny it makes me almost want to do one on a similar subject. Now, as for your poor hubby, well I can certainly sympthathize with him. You see, all us poor smucks who find a lady we love to distraction tend to lose the ability to think in the "I" but rather we see everything in the key of "We". You have to forgive us, we think of everything as the eternal partnership...there is no "I" any longer. Give the guy a break; buy him a box of Wheaties, put him on a tread mill for about five minutes and he will be cured from his angst over belly fat.
Erica - my thoughts exactly!

Ger - don't do it - learn from my husband's mistakes!

fusun - so good to have you back! And I think your "Aren't we funny?" would have been the perfect comeback to him. Wish I'd thought of it.

candace - you'd think after all these years, they'd learn...

Duane - not yet, anyway. And he did retreat from the room pretty soon after...

Matt - baggy - a kindler, gentler word. Maybe I'll just replace all his jeans with a bigger size without telling him.

Bill - too funny! Did I mention the fact that he picked out our Halloween costumes and his was a blow-up Fat Bastard costume. Mine was a blow-up VERY fat ballerina. Last time he gets to pick the costumes. Couldn't even sit down in those darn things. But I did feel rather skinny when I took it off.

ccdarling - not a bad idea!

jlsathre - thank you for reading and for your great comment!

keri - lol! I'm filing away all these great comebacks for future use. "We" had better hope I don't need them. :)
Lezlie - I'll have to admit, aside from his "WE have to do something" comment, he's been on pretty good behavior lately, so I guess I'll cut him some slack. I mean, it's Christmas, right?

David - you're such a peacemaker. I can almost hear him saying something similar... I've told him before that I'm not really into sweating, so I don't know why he thinks I might want to be his exercise buddy.
Pffffft. HE is fat. YOU are Rubenesque.

Feed the boy freakin rice cakes till he learns the difference (or at least respects his Betters!). ;)
Safe Bet - that's right! Rubenesque! thank you!
Arrrrgh. Red and I eat pretty much exactly the same amount and kinds of food. We both drink red wine, etc. She weighs 102 pounds and I can't bear to look at the scales. Like Jack Spratt and his wife, or summat.

That said, I think the "we" in his comment is ... ahhhhhh ... unfortunate.
i was thinking along the same lines as joan with the royal "we." sounds like HE needs to bring home some flowers or something :)
Boanerges - yes, unfortunate would be a good description.

lemonpulp - he's definitely not a smooth talker, but he's a pretty good guy. He gave me white roses for my birthday and does his best to keep me happy. Well, except for his occasional "unfortunate" choice of words. If only he was perfect... like me and you! ;-)

Julie - need some Primatene Mist? :)
...hiccup...still...laughing...HARD.

Uh. Uh. Uh. There. There now. OK. ... Well, it's kind of endearing how our men rely on us for EVERYTHING isn't it?

But, I agree with others here: Time to send those flowers to his gorgeous wife.
Deborah - I guess it's true: Love means never having to say you're sorry... for saying WE are fat.
I agree.. I am not a follower also..:)
HUGGGGGGGGGG
I am laughing away and nodding my head agreeing here dear...
Love it.

I'd be happy to wake up with just my own fat and no one else to criticise. Sometimes we is a word I'd like to stop using.
I so LOVE your "jolly, fluffy self"!!!

You make me smile big time! On one hand you're so darn tootin' serious ... and on the other you're just so wonderfully funny! The funny side wins out for me, Kim! Wonderful!
This was great Kim. Good luck to "him".
Linda S - Hi, my friend - so good to see you here! :-)

Mission - Against all odds, he's still alive. Sitting right here beside me. Imagine!

Linda C - Ah, the lament of the long-married woman. I feel your pain. xoxo

Kate - well, I do love to laugh, which is probably what has saved my husband all these years!

Tril - he's a cheeky one - somehow he always knows how to win me back over. :)
This was just great. Men do not do subtle well, we tend to confuse it with trying to be nice. My wife while reading a magazine one day having coffee with me said, " Can you imagine having sex with the Pillsbury dough-boy," her head still buried behind the magazine. I of course said, "No, why would I even want too." She said my feelings exactly. It didn't register with me (pot) until I was drying off after a shower what she meant. Subtle Redhead in action. Really nice way to start a morning Unbreakable and a great post. My best as always.........o/e
(if HE starts taking Viagra and slimming down and working out then you should be worried)
o/e - always happy to see you here - you give great comment! ;-) I love the Pillsbury Doughboy story - too funny.
Ha! this was funny UB, and sorry I am late..
There is a special 'stink eye' associated with these types of WE..
I never, ever comment on the "we" unless it involves the necessity of me climbing a ladder or washing clothes. Fat stuff is way too personal. Funny stuff.
Perhaps you could say to him, "Great, we're going to CA to help break in Sheila's new treadmill...a birdie told me she hasn't!"

So funny, so true.
Frog in his pocket. Hee!
Rita - I couldn't help myself - I brought up his "WE'VE got to do something" comment at dinner with friends the other night. You should have seen his face. Priceless.

Dawn - agreed - fat comments are off limits - especially during the holidays!

Sheila - Great idea!

Linnnn - and a fat frog, at that!
Absolutely, a person's weight is a personal problem. He likely thought you were the magic answer to his pant size.
Ralph - I'll admit my powers are mighty, but even I draw the line at controlling someone else's pant size!
I love that graphic!

It is funny/odd/horrible/sexist how wives get tasked with the family stomach, regardless of interest or talent in that department. I hope you stick him with the lawn, garbage and bug killing so at least everything is "fair."

As for the exercise, you could do what I do. I walk the treadmill while reading a book....time goes by really fast if you're reading (and I normally HATE exercising) and leave my stats in. Then I brag about it. He can't stand it and then he gets on, determined to beat my time.
I like the idea of a jolly, fluffy self. Its warm and comforting.

As for your husband, he is definitely on his own!