FEBRUARY 28, 2012 12:31PM

Israel to Attack Iran Without Warning US

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Barack Chats With Bibi 

In the context that Israel won't warn America before it strikes Iran, one can imagine the phone call between our President and their Prime Minister shortly after things start to go wrong for the Jewish State. 


"Mr. President, the Prime Minister of Israel is on the phone."

"Bibi!  How are you?"

"Mr. President, not so well.  As you know, we attacked Iran's nuclear facilities . . . "

"Well, that IS news!  I actually didn't know.  During the campaign here I haven't watched much television -- too depressing."

"Surely, Mr. President, you have been told. . . . "

"Actually, Mr. Prime Minister, since I read the August 2001 intelligence report, I have become convinced there isn't much upon which one can rely in the paperwork that crosses my desk . . . especially as it relates to intelligence.  However . . . "

"Mr. President, excuse me . . . I hate to interrupt . . . but the League of Arab States apparently anticipated our attack and now shells, rockets, and missiles are raining down on us . . . . from everywhere.  These aren't the harmless, inaccurate, firecrackers launched from the kitchens of the Palestinians in Gaza . . . . Forces are massing on all of our borders.  We need American support here;  and we need it fast."

"I find it interesting that you now call Qassam rockets "harmless" when you once called them " . . . .a threat to Israel's existence . . . ." and used them as an excuse to kill over a thousand people in Gaza.  Nevertheless, what kind of support do you need, Bibi?"

"First, we need delivery of lots of munitions.  Then, we need your planes to provide us air cover and military intelligence.  We also need your military men to come over here and establish a second front against Egypt, while we take care of the first from our attackers to the east and north."

"Mr. Prime Minister . . . . ."

"Then, of course, we need lots and lots of American dollars. . . . much more than we have ever taken . . . errrr . . . asked . . . . from you before."

"Mr. Prime Minister!!!  First, let me remind you that you chose, unilaterally, not to inform us of this attack before it happened.  Therefore, we were never in a position to advise you regarding its implementation.  We are also thereby unprepared for its consequences . . . . "

". .  but. . . "

"Second, even if we could support you in this manner, we wouldn't.  It has occurred to us that Israel, in its current modus operandi, is too much of a problem with which to deal.  In secret meetings here, with our allies, we have determined that a much humbled, possibly absent, Israel is the only solution that works well, and rapidly, in the Middle East.  We don't wish you, or your citizens, ill, Mr. Prime Minister; but you should have listened to the world, and to me, long before this phone call."

". ..  but. .. "

"Mr. Prime Minister, I wish you well.  Perhaps Argentina is the next best place for a refuge of the Jewish people who cannot behave themselves on their own."

"Mr. President, we never believed the Arabs could mount such a coordinated effort with all their internal problems!  We never believed that Arabs would support Persians!  We believed that they feared our giant military machine and our implied possession of nuclear weapons!  We could employ the Samson Option; but that is something we find plays into the hands of the Palestinians at this time."

"Bibi, it's a good thing nobody pays you all to think.  Too bad your Torah doesn't include Matthew's account of the happenings in the Garden of Gethsemane during which your Messiah warned that those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.  Further, if you truly understand the consequence to Samson of using his strength, then you will understand how grateful we will all be if you use this option.  And, Bibi, I am sad that you hate your perceived enemies so much."

"So, nothing from America this time, Barack?"

"Nope.  The attendant spike in oil prices is gonna make my my alternative energy programs look freekin' prophetic.  Goodbye, Bibi . . . Call me from the other side. " 


Map of possible routes from Israel to Iran 

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