Recipe: Roast Turkey With Port Wine Sauce
You're kidding. No, really, you have got to be kidding. It's a joke. Yes, that's it. This comment was an ephemeral piece of humorous performance art, dashed off in annoyed response to somebody else's idiotic substitution. A tiny tweak, tossed at indiscriminate substitutors everywhere...
Maybe it isn't.
The fact that I am considering, even for a brief moment, that this commenter was not kidding speaks volumes about the "Recipie Reviews" on Epicurious.com, doesn't it?
Click on the "Reviews" tab for just about any recipe, and you'll find that roughly one poster in six feels the need to lament the absence of some staple in the pantry, and to inform us all that a substitution was made. Sometimes the substitutions make sense. Sometimes they don't.
- I didn't have fennel, so I used fennel seed.
- I didn't have celery, so I used canned chestnuts.
- I didn't have cointreau, so I used balsamic vinegar.
- I didn't have chocolate chips, so I used mouse droppings.
- I didn't have red beans, so I used a bag of marbles.
- I didn't have carrots, so I tore up a picture of Frosty the Snowman and threw it into the pot.
- I didn't have a stove, so I poured gasoline into the stock pot and set the whole goddamned mess on fire out in the driveway.
- 1 Fork. This was really bad.
Seriously, people. Either you fundamentally followed the recipe (possibly even improvising with jazzy skill, using years of cooking knowledge to tweak a flavor here, a flavor there) and re-created the recipe writer's carefully constructed platform for A Stew or A Roast or A Salad or A Pasta Dish...
Or, you cleaned out the refrigerator (possibly also your garage) and then dumped the collective haul into the dinner pot. Because you apparently just didn't feel like making a ten-minute run to the grocery store.
Then, you blamed the recipe.
I hope the comment up there was intended to be, in point of fact, one tiny little angry fist, shaking at the legions of recipe commenters who think you can substitute parsley for basil (in pesto for god's sake), or lemon yogurt for sour cream, or hot paprika for sweet paprika.
But I'm still just a little bit concerned that it may have been serious. It may have been real.
Honestly...there are some people there who need to have their aprons taken away.