Verbal Remedy AKA Denise

Verbal Remedy AKA Denise
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Columnist, http://www.doesthismakesense.com
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Born. Grew up. Kept growing up. Started growing older. Still at both the growing up and growing older. Stay tuned.

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APRIL 8, 2009 5:56PM

Don't Let Flouncing Make Your Ass Look Big!

Rate: 83 Flag

flounce  

(Do visit ePriddy's previous post on the History of Flouncing!)

 

Deciding what to wear when one is seized by the urge to Flounce is a serious matter.

One's Flouncing wardrobe, in addition to one's words, must serve multiple functions: To convey one's intention to leave, yes, and to spit upon the ground, leaving no room for hope that one will ever darken the door again; and yet also to create in the spat-upon hordes a vague sense of guilt, or regret, or latent desire, or responsibility, or shame.

One must leave little doubt that one's presence at the party was (emphasize the past tense to deliver a subtle You'll-Be-Sorry-When-I'm-Dead [-And-All-This-Guilt-Will-Be-On-Your-Head]) a rare and transient gift; a sparkling respite from the drudge and drear of the day-to-day; a delicate jewel of unparallelled value and worth, to be appreciated only in absence, after the source of its light has departed for other, more worthy realms.

Wardrobe choices depend much on one's chosen method of flouncing.


For a Traditional Flounce, Mr. Blackwell recommends ample padding, donned in the rear. This will prevent lasting damage to soft tissue caused by rapidly decelerating doorknobs. This flounce style is all about defiance and contempt, a certain air of Above-All-This, and strikes just the right note of genteel scorn for the unwashed masses with which one has deigned, until this very moment, to slum.

A carriage-and-driver should ideally stand at the ready, set to whisk you away to your tower after this flounce. Beware sudden loud noises; the horses can be a bit spooky, and those trailing detachable flounces can become soiled quickly after a spill.

1878-plumet-petticoat-jpg
Yes, the lower flounces could be removed, but wouldn't that detract?

 
A Furious Flounce, on the other hand,  demands black--mounds of black--best accessorized with a long-handled cigarette holder (pref. smoldering), blood-red lipstick, hair pulled into a severe chignon, and whenever possible, an elegant Afghan hound on a leather leash.

Profanity of an elevated variety best punctuates the Furious Flounce, as does well-placed encouragement for the spat-upon to perform particularly unseemly autoerotic acts.
flounceblack
Simply perfect in hue and volume. A divine choice. 

 
The Damsel-in-Distress Flounce (perhaps the most irresistable form of flouncing, both to the aspiring flouncer and the enabling flouncees) appears deceptively simple, yet it should never be attempted by amateurs.

Painstakingly constructed out of voluminous and intricate interlocking layers of explosive psychodrama, poor-poor-pitiful-me-ism, passive-aggressive self-blame cleverly overlaid on an interfacing of transparent accusation, and a laundry list of ways-you-have-insulted-me curliques, this is truly a flounce best carried off by one well practiced in the arts of manipulation and guilt.
405px-EVENING_DRESSES_Wihite_satin_robe
Each bow, each lace, each bouffant is a perfect bonbon of You-Made-Me-Go-You-Awful-Terrible-Bastard-People! 

Finally, for the Gentlemen Flounce (menfolk alas possess fewer sartorial options for flouncing than the ladies, but also, thankfully, tend to flounce in far fewer numbers in the first place), our panel of fashion experts recommends a straightforward hygeine model.

To take one's leave of an unworthy group in a Manly way, one may simply step outside and continue walking. Upon return to one's quiet, peaceful domicile, one should wash hands of the entire affair using Flounce Liquid Soap (rumored also to remove stubborn guyliner while being gentle on the skin).
flouncesoap 

This humble offering is not intended to ennumerate all possible styles of Flouncing; rather, it is simply an exhibit pointing out that Flouncing is not an endeavor to be embarked upon lightly, without careful planning and preparation. 

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Once again, you get the Most Clever Mind Award in my book. I can't keep up but I sure have fun chasing you around.
Rated for super cleverness.
This piece may be considered a bookend companion to How To Blogwhore: Templates for One and All. Read one on the way in, and the other on the way out.
Somyr, when are we going to get together for margaritas, anyway!?
Hysterical.


Also....I am making that blouse. That blouse is MINE.
I may need to address the flouce possibilities -or lack thereof- in my wardrobe now.
Oh sister, I'm game ANY DAY, ANY TIME. It's always 5 o'clock.
Everything here is good. Flouncing for Dummies is a good working title. The tags cracked me up. I'm glad Alan Ladd never lived long enough to blog.
Oh noes! Has there been flouncing drama that I've missed?! (it's my shameful lurking self coming out)

Great post btw Verbal.
That's it! I'm gone!
Where can I get the hand soap? Trader Flounce's?
Ha!

Long hair helps, too, so that you can imperiously flip it back over your shoulder as you toss your head in disdain flouncing down the stairs.
VR, This is very funny and if I may interject, I would definitely be the furious flouncer. Man I love that top! Sorry Perse.
This is creative and witty, but one thing, who the hell is shane?
Rated for Flounce soap
And your inspiration for this mighty fine piece would be the Dr. departure???
Rated for funny as hell!
Steve: I live to serve. http://www.tci.tdcj.state.tx.us/products/janitorial/soap_detergent/flounce.aspx

"FLOUNCE is a concentrated hand soap that is specifically formulated for use in industrial type and high traffic washrooms and lavatories equipped with wall mounted refillable dispensers. Recommended dilution rate is 1 gallon to 2 1/2 gallons clean water.
(Compared to Liquid Dial®) "
For the men, you neglected the part about kicking the dust off our sandals. rated for a needed primer on the finer points of flouncing
If any gentle reader would like to suggest Flouncestyles I have not specifically addressed so far, please make note of my poor omission and I shall endeavor to rectify the situation in due time.

;-)
i can't flounce like a quote-unquote gentleman. so ... i have a garish flounce necktie. it is striped, green (envy) and yellow (chicken). sadly, this does nothing to mask the size of my ass. which ain't big. just bony and slightly ... uh ... droppy-drawers.
Let's not overlook the Silent Flounce. Often characterized by a deep exhalation of breath, an exasperated sigh, measured and distinctive physical movements as the Flouncer withdraws and makes his/her exit. Did I mention, this is a Flounce that can be employed by men and women with equal effectiveness and little if any difference in execution. Women might find it useful to toss their hair over their should as they turn away from the Flouncee(s), while men may wish to smooth their pants sharply, and square their shoulders as they stride militantly from those they wish to shun.
A feather boa to toss back would help the Furious Flounce, as long as you don't lose hold of the Afghan hound and the cigarette holder.
Verbal - You have a flair for the flounce!!!
Rated for rather, reviting ruffles!!!
Dammit! I'll have to grow my hair out if I ever want to flounce...
[Somebody who laments the horrific lack of quality writing on this site (other than hers, of course), BBE, whose Flounce implied that any criticism of bullying, provocateur posts is motivated by pure, seething jealousy of her billions and billions of adoring readers galaxywide, whom we shall all surely miss now that she's maybe leaving.]
You forgot to add, "someday you'll be dead and gone and THEN WE'LL SEEEE!!!!" to your tags.

Rated.
You mean, Dr. Phil is leaving AGAIN?!

God.

I will miss those 250,000 folks he brought from AOL Search with him.

*real tears*

;)
Oh those bring up so many flouncy memories.

What about the half-flounce? What do you wear when you're not really sure you're want a full flounce, but you want to sense how people might react to possible flouncing. Perhaps they won't notice. Perhaps, a few will say they'll miss you. It's a dangerous look, because someone might actually decide to run with it and turn it into a full flounce.

There's also the fake flounce. Like when you hint that you've started a new blog, that you've actually had for a long, long time. And that if anyone notices that you're gone, you just want them to know that's where you'll be. Over there at your fake flouncy blog.

Sometimes the fake flounce is accessorized with a flat flounce. e.g. A very brief post accompanied by a picture of a tree.
When I go it will be naked....Boo Hoo for Dr what's her name.
Oh, nice. If there were more options for masculine flouncing, I'd be doing this right now. Once a week, at least. Are you watching, Mr. Blackwell?

(Also, I must find that black hand soap. Perfect for formal occasions.)
You left out the General Douglas McArthur flounce,VR. Where he addresses a joint session of Congress to say, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away..." So in front of 5oo members of Congress he says bye bye. Exit stage right.
Much like a good wedding gown, an appropriate Flouncing outfit should be worn only once.

For half-flounces, I recommend modest Mormon Underwear.

For fake flounces, jeans and a grubby t-shirt work just fine.

One must preserve the Big Guns for the real thing.

:-)
I wear something not much different than that black blouse to work on a regular basis. Don't think I flounce though. Though I do tease any students who express a fondness for the Damn Y****** that THEY can flounce right on out the door.
Verbal, as always, you are providing critically important information at a critical juncture when critics might be criticizing your flounce style, or lack thereof..... ;)

Juliet, I call that first one a "test flounce." Generally designed to allow the putative flouncer to be inundated with "we like you! we really like you!" messages.

I'm not seeing so many of those on not-a doctor-anymore-Amy's flounce.
See, she CAN inspire creativity and humor!! Just when she's not in the room.

I'm totally going for a nice bustle-y look because then my ass will be all "disguised". I'd become unreasonable and flounce all over the place just to swing my ruffles about.
This is excellent advice. Love that last tag.
Alas, Mr. Blackwell is dead. So you are free to assume his position.

I can only add that the damsel in distress flounce is best put off with a southern accent or a reasonable facsimile of one.

It is a sub-category of the religious mother's guilt repertoire. And as such, it only lasts for a few hours.
More flounce to the ounce!
My, god, you're quick. Are you able to write for any and all occasions? Bat mitzvahs? Weddings? Store openings? Up.
Heheheheee!

BBE should do a post about flounce with nudity! LOL

Nice piece Verbal!

Rated and a tail wag!
"rapidly decelerating doorknobs"

I think I just peed myself.
::sigh:: I clearly need to study the flounce phenomenon more carefully. Just in case. Thank you, VR, for illuminating another aspect of flouncing to which I might otherwise have been blind.
A masterpiece, Ms. Remedy. I could only think how the good Monsieur Chariot would appreciate your obvious breeding.

Hmm, that doesn't sound quite like I'd intended.
That's what I did wrong! I flounced and nobody even noticed. Next time I'll know to dress properly.
I want to be you, Verbal. I just want to be as clever and smart and funny as you.
Rated. You had me when you quoted "I Can't Stand Losing You."
After quoting or misquoting "The Jabberwocky," ("Oh, frabjous day, Callou, callay!"), I read said flounce. She has definitely left herself a way out of actually leaving for good:

"Thanks for the kind words.

I haven't decided yet about whether I will continue posting here. As my posts have become more popular outside of OS, I have encountered ever increasing hostility about it on OS. "
There must be the pretend doctor flounce. Complete with windswept white coat and a PR portrait of Dr. Mark Green.
Verbal and friends: (that could be a really good sitcom)

Trig has christened tomorrow "Dirty haikus for Dr. A-- Day."
Whaddaya think?
This is utterly priceless, Verbal. But it does beg the question of whether or not someone about whom I give a shit has decided to leave in the manner of the wounded ingenue.

And how could you forget the classic ManFlounce circa 1962 after he lost the California Governor's race.

"You won't have to Nixon to kick around anymore."

If we only knew. If. we. only. knew!
when I flounce (and I may) I plan to look like this:
BWAH!

(thumbified for instructional value. One must never allow the door to smite one on the bottom whilst making a lady-like exit.)
Sandra, we all know you are far too classy a lady to ever flounce.

Although I've heard it's better to burn out...than fade away...awwwRIGHT! [headbanging to Def Leppard]

All, I sit here teary-eyed and queen-waving at your kindness and suggestions. I shall revise a bit tomorrow and add a wardrobe for the full-twisting Half-Flounce and the one-and-a-half Fake Flounce.
Delia: I am sitting here trying to picture how perfectly dull a sitcom named "Verbal and Friends" would be.

200 people, clicking on their laptop keyboards. For hours. On end. With the occasional expletive erupting from somewhere in the room, or perhaps a random guffaw.

I dare say such programming could be used as punishment at Supermax facilities.

:-D
If 200 bloggers pounded away at random on their keyboards, would they eventually duplicate salon? *raises eyebrow*

For the record...I did NOT flounce ;)

Fun, VR....damned fun.

ds
If 200 bloggers pounded away at random on their keyboards, would they eventually duplicate salon? *raises eyebrow*

For the record...I did NOT flounce ;)

Fun, VR....damned fun.

ds
I have so been wanting to flounce, but was not certain of the proper etiquette until I happened upon this posting. Thank you.
Should M. Chariot ever float a Test Flounce, he would doubtless be rewarded by MANY cries of "Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane! Come BAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" (whilst an appointed person relieved him of his supply of Flounce Liquid Hand Soap).
Deciding what to wear when one is seized by the urge to Flounce is a serious matter. Thank you for that important tip. I guess I have been a little flippant concerning my wardrobe and this earthshaking, planet-tilting decision. In my two previous near-flounces I was a bit cavalier. Knee high black socks with plaid bermuda shorts and a tee-shirt that read: My Anger Management Class Really Pisses Me Off might have been too subtle. On my second flounce, I tried the white sports coat with a pink carnation and blue suede shoes which said most of what I wanted them to all miss. However, on my planned birthday flounce, I think I will go with Mormon undies and black cowboy boots and matching hat. That will show all your sorry assholes just what you will be missing. (This post has been given my highest honor-a spot in my Smartass Hall of Fame.) Congratulations, you earned it.
I like it. And useful too. Flouncing becomes an art in the blogsphere.
Isn't the first outfit one of Cap'nParrotDead's Temple Garments?

Rated
I've got to get me some of that hand soap!

And should you ever choose to flounce, Verbal, I do so wish to get an announcement from you if I'm to be among the spat-upon.

Wear the black dress!
Love it, Verbal. =o) Although it's interesting that we females choose flouncing garments that make it difficult to move freely. But one must be elegant while flouncing to make the flouncee all the more keenly aware of their error.

My choices are 1 or 2. A dignified train and a carriage are the perfect grand exit accoutrements. No. 3, requires too much corsetage. =o) Rated with a kid-gloved finger.
I haven't even read the *post* just your title and I think it is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I've been mostly gone---have I missed major flouncing?
Well I am sure Some People would say this is an Inside Joke not meant for 250,000 other readers and therefore Completely Useless. But I and apparently All the Rest of You found it insightful, clever and hilarious.

Of course it did not draw MILLIONS to the SITE and make OODLES of MONEY so I WON'T RATE IT.
I want that skirt, now that I'm fat and have a boody. Absolutely delightful!
I think I saw Bill O'Reilly flounce once back when he was on Hard Copy...
Loved Brandon deWilde. Come back, Shane ....
I think that I shall never flounce
Nor waste my anger, not an ounce
Upon the wretched wastrels here
I'll take my leave and have a beer

Paid for by Miller Low-Life Brewing Company; Hanging Dog, NC
Ah, the simplicity of manhood.
Our good doctor has opted to flounce
And Verbal decided to pounce
The Doc was undone
By the word of her son
Now our post counts won't get her bounce

So are we to laugh or just grieve?
The flouncing doc we do not believe.
Adios to the putz
Who was fucking nuts
Yuk it up and enjoy the reprieve!
hee

I'm especially in love with the tags and Shaaaannnne!!!!
I see ePriddy has been here and in keeping with the highest traditions of Southern gentility didn't toot her own horn. But for the record, I hope everyone is aware that the divine eP originated the term "flounce" here in the context of OS in her own seminal post with the divine (did I say that twice)? pictures of Scarlett : a brief history of flouncing and sashaying about. Plus, she hates Joe Lieberman.

WOOF
VR, have I told you I loved you lately? no? well, consider it done.
CCC, THANK YOU! I knew there'd been at least one other Flounce Post!


I shall edit and redirect forthwith! Because ePriddy's post is well worth a revisit.
Well done, ma lady Verbal (sorry, you just bring out the Finnegan in me ;-)). And though that reprobate bbd got it in first, love ya, babe.

WOOF
Ahhhh, so sad... he hath no flounce. (:
A flounce of prevention is worth a sound of cure for she who has ailed us.
Verbal I love your wit! Seriously, you're too good.
rated.
I adore that black blouse!
I think Nancy Reagan wore the "Furious Flounce" when she and Ronald left the White House, just saying.

Clever girl, you.
Thanks so much for this public service announcement. I now know what my flounce has been missing!
I might have to flounce now, just so I can go shopping for the outfit first!
I hope Persephone13 will post a picture of herself in the Furious Flounce blouse. In fact, I'd love to see all the lovely ladies of OS don the blouse and post the photo, kinda like a Flat Stanley thing.

As for us gentlemen, perhaps M.Chariot would loan out his top hat for an OS world tour.
Pssssssst! She's still here. With retro blogs. Aiiieeee!
Ditto P13: Hysterical.

VR your comment on Amy's flounce was priceless.
The weird thing is that the Demented Doctor had a big readership at her Homebirth Debate blog, based on the number of comments she got, and she simply walked away from it. It wasn't a flounce, just a disappearing act. So why did she give up a large, vocal and very loyal readership to come here and then have this silly tantrum? The whole thing is so strange.
This is so damn good I had to come back.

Verbal...I just love you.
I've developed a few flouncing templates over the years:

"I've been thrown out of a lot of classier bars than this, pal!"
"If you guys had half a brain, you would have fired me years ago!"
"You're dumping me? Ha! I mentally dumped you months ago!"
Persephone, make a blouse for me too? Puuuleeeeze?

This is SPLENDID. Sorry I'm so late to the party. Oh - the tags are brilliant too....
VR, great post and I am amazed that you tracked down a real product called "Flounce." Sherlock Holmes would be very impressed with that discovery indeed!
Bumping because, you know. There's a MASSIVE OUTRAGED EXODUS coming, and I do so hate to see people go out with a halfhearted flounce.

Really. If you're gonna do it, do it big.
When flouncing, consult Expedia for your best price guarantee, even if it's bullshit. Guaranteed to make yer ass look thinner.