Naturally athletic friend Herr Ball dragged me to an 8K yesterday morning, and I actually spent a considerable percentage of the distance actually jogging (vs. walking, sashaying, or slogging). This simple act--bounding lightly from foot to foot, with both feet occasionally actually in the air at the same time--is a very recent thing me, due to the following marvel of engineering:

^{The  Enell Sports Bra: Smashing The Girls Against The Ribcage So Effectively, This Must Be What It Feels Like To Be a Man}

I'd never have heard about the Enell, nor dared to try to take up jogging this late in life (long after those scarring High School P.E. hours when my chest was my archnemesis) were it not for online shopping. Hundreds of reviewers on Amazon.com raved about this sports bra; like me, they said they'd tried everything else to no effect, but THIS twenty-hook-and-eye beastie really delivered. I trusted my large-breasted sisters, coughed up $70, and ordered.

Cue choirs of angels. The bloody thing works. I tried it on the moment I got it out of the shipping envelope (no easy matter, as I discovered the only way to really get the thing on is to slip into its vestiness, then lie on your back and forcefully wrestle the bottommost hook-and-eye into place before wrangling the rest of the girls into position for the next dozen hooks). 

Upon standing up again, I was immediately seized by the urge to jump rope, to play hopscotch, to climb onto a trampoline, to leap up and down for no good reason at all. Huzzah! Nothing moved! At last!

When last we went virtual shopping together, we alighted at My Virtual Model--a nice idea, but executed with significant flaws. MVM's breasts are unbelievably perky. Her waist is too big. Her butt is too flat. In short, she looks just enough like me to be kinda freaky, but not enough to make her a useful stand-in when I shop online.

Which brings us to Zafu.

Zafu began as a virtual jeans-shopping site and it's a brilliant one at that. You agree to low-level interrogation about every quirky aspect of your body, and the search engine really does figure out which jeans will fit you flatteringly (and which ones you should stay away from, no matter how adorable they look on the size-2, 6'0" model). 

And then, the site added...bras.

Never a fan of shopping in actual stores, and being possessed of a fair number of bras that do in fact fit me well (mostly through trial and error) I embarked on a test-drive of the Zafu bra-finder. Ladies, follow me. (Gentlemen, avert your eyes, please.)

_{^{Yep. No matter what, the band rides up. Might as well admit it.}}

^{Indeed, if bra-cup spillover were toxic, I'd need a full-time HazMat team in my bedroom.} 

^{The Dreaded Pencil Test. Look, they call it "drape," not "floppage." Isn't that cute? (I can only assume they really meant "tell us about your breasts.)"}

 ^{I'd never even stopped to think about shape variations. Huh.} 

^{Being endowed with an abundance of self-knowledge hard won through years of "oopsie" slips, I know to stay the hell away from demis, pushups, and plunges when it comes to picking a bra type. YMMV, of course.}

^{The "Magic Wand" question. So hard to limit myself, but I know better than to check those three criteria and also "Pretty with lace." That'd be like asking molten chocolate cake to be full of fiber and low in calories.}

^{Oh, hell no. You do not need to know my weight, you intrusive piece of software, you.}

The Results

Too Cold

My first few matches are all from Playtex, and I simply refuse to consider them. I am not a fifty-year-old auntie. I cannot countenance wireless battleship breasts or triangular torpedo launchers. Cross-my-heart, these are two matronly motherfucking bras.

No.                                                   Just NO.

Too Hot

But hey, it's OK. Zafu's got lots of other suggestions, too.

Like, say, these frilly little numbers, which I know now I can consider the next time I want my chest to appear as though it's been stucco'd beneath my sweaters and stretch tops.

I suppose these would both be fine under a really heavy, nubbly cable-knit wool sweater...

Just Right

Ah! But finally! There, on pages 3 and 4 of my matches, a couple of my decades-long standbys! And lo and behold, Zafu knows exactly how they fit me.

Which is actually pretty impressive.

All true.

Again, scarily accurate.

And finally, to test for "bad fit," I submit the following flop of a purchase:

Who cares about a smooth fit when you're bouncing like oversized twin superballs? When the zafu text says "minimal support and shaping," ladies, take them at their word and run for the hills.

With your arms crossed across your chest.

Because otherwise it's going to hurt like hell.

Conclusion

Zafu is a wonderful virtual bra-fitter. Really.

MUCH better than the ever-scowling sixty-something department store fitters who'll fix the stink-eye on your old bra in the dressing room, tsk-tsk about the size you admit you've been wearing for years, and haughtily inform you that You Will Regret Not Investing In Good Bras Years From Now, Young Lady.

I'd be interested to hear from somebody about whether their pants/jeans engine is as good.

Update in Response to Comment Questions

 Yes. You can narrow your results to bras

• with or without wires
• by brand name
• by coverage/style
• by cup size
• by special features

For the disturbingly curious, there are 5 non-underwire options listed for a 36DD rack:

• 3 Playtex (eyuw. Not going there.)
• 1 Anita (The amusingly named "Twin Air Comfort Wirefree" model--I picture the funbags floating a la space station)
• 1 Bali (The also amusingly named "Downtime Cool Stretch Wirefree," which, you know. Down. Yeah, that's a word you want to feature prominently when you're marketing a bra to women with big breasts.)