...It has been fuck-all long since my last confession.

I am the LORD your God. You shall worship the Lord your God and Him only shall you serve.

See, I think this kinda falls into the category of "The deity doth protest too much." Really. I mean, back in the long forgotten days of yore (aka college) when I was "dating" other gods? The pagan ones? This was the kind of jealous overbearing crap that made you look like sort of a dick by comparison.

I'm just saying, LordYourGod. If you want to score some followers, swaggering into the room and commanding people to worship you just isn't the way I'd play it. Sheesh, you know. Loosen 'em up a bit first. Try some flowers. Buy 'em a drink. Ask 'em to dance. Tell 'em they're pretty.

Do a little bit of pampering before you start grabbing them by the hair, throwing them up against the refrigerator, and threatening to beat the everloving crap out of them if you so much as even suspect  they might be thinking of, oh, let's say Pan or Athena or Loki or Raven.

I've already confessed to a lot of dabbling around with those other guys (mostly the Celts) back in the 80s and 90s, if you really must know. Not that it matters. I still won't be going home with you.

You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

So, I can still say "fuck" and "shit" and "cocksucker" and other fun words with impunity then (You and the FCC still have separate jurisdictions, at least as of today, right?) Most excellent.

Tell you the truth, "goddamn it" tends not to roll off my tongue very often. I might as well say "Mogwai damn it" or "Wonder Woman damn it."

You know, now that I think of it, I don't recall mankind being on a first name basis with you anyway, so it'd be pretty hard to take in vain that which we do not know...

Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day.

Finally. I do OK on this one. As in, "Holy shit, my head hurts. What time is it? Ten? Holy crap, how many empty bottles are out on the back patio? Holy shit, we drank a lot of cheap champagne last night. Holy crap, when did everybody leave?"

Honor your father and your mother.

Awww, now that's the kind of godly direction I think most of us can get behind...unless, of course, said father and mother weren't Ward and June Cleaver. In that case, I really don't think it's your place to command somebody to "honor" a parent who may have beaten, abused, abandoned, or otherwise messed up a kid. Really. I know you're convinced of your own righteousness (that's one of the reasons I broke up with you in the first place) but you just can't command somebody to honor somebody who made their childhood nightmarish.

Otherwise, though,  the thought behind this one's sort of sweet--but, um. It's rather a dramatic shift in content and tone from Com#1, don't you think? I mean one minute you're all "AAAUUUGHGH WORSHIP ME!" and now you're all "Call your Mother"?

Let me ask you: Have you ever been assessed for bipolar disorder?  You're frankly all over the map here,  and that's just in four lines.

You shall not kill.

Whoo hoo! here's one I can definitively say I have never done! Unless you consider: My dog's fleas; spiders; mice in the house; termites; chickens; eggs; cows; pigs; vegetables...a bottle of bourbon...

You shall not commit adultery.

Hoo boy. How technical do you want to get on this one?

Is this a hard-and-fast Tab A/Slot B proposition, or is it squishy enough to encompass the Conway Twitty theory of intercourse ("We're not exactly strangers; I've already loved you in my mind")? Do you have an entire staff of clerks ticking off "Lustful Thoughts" on every soul's balance sheet 24/7? Do dreams count? Fantasies? What about hallucinations? Where's the fine print? I plead the 5th and I want my lawyer. Three words: Sawyer on Lost.

You shall not steal.

Up to and including the hiring of many accountants for "creative minimization" of income tax liability?

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

But if the guy lives a few miles away, we're good? What about the next state? How about cooking intelligence against a country across the sea? Does that fall into this category?

You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.

LordYourGod, I'm assured by those who claim to be More In The Know Than I that you mightily disapprove of homosexuality. But just for the record--I  don't swing that way. No worries.

I do, however, notice I seem to be off the hook if I happen to decide a neighbor's husband looks rather tasty--or at least until I get some clarification of that fantasy/dream/Conway Twitty thing.

You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.

Ohfercryin'outloud. Don't you understand that the ENTIRE WESTERN CAPITALIST SYSTEM is based around coveting one's neighbor's goods? Where have you been, LordYourGod? Napping since the fifteenth century?

Cuz down here, now, it's all, "covet in the morning, covet in the evening,  covet all night long." There are entire departments in megacompanies dedicated to Creating the Covet. Magazines? All about the coveting. In fact, anytime the coveting diminishes, there's outright panic (Retail Sales Down 1.5% in April! Global Economic Meltdown Continues!).

But it's all good: John covets Jack's great big Humvee; Jane covets Janet's spiffy designer duds; the kids covet the neighbor kids' Playstation/Wii/GameCube/XBox; the marketing departments continue their work on the Covetousness Project, and we all go to Best Buy. Amen.