Paid $2,999; Sacrifice only $995!

Really? You paid that much for...that?

Were you off your antipsychotics at the time?

Dear delusional (and frequently illiterate) Craigslisters,

I don't care how much you originally paid for the old, ugly, beaten-up, worn, frayed, cracked, stained, bent, used things you're trying to sell.

Neither does anybody else.

Here's a basic economic truth: used things are worth exactly what somebody is willing to pay for them. That price has nothing to do with the amount of cash you plunked down when they were shiny and new.

Take this dresser, for example. It's part of the whole bedroom set, you assure us, with a matching sleigh bed and a nightstand too. (I've seen a similar set for sale in the "Furniture By Dealer" section for $795, by the way.)

You proceed to whine  inform us that you paid $2000 for it all just last year at Overpriced Furniture, Inc. on Miramar Rd. So, naturally it must follow, I suppose, that the set is WAY worth $800. In your mind.

Dude. Seriously.

I mean, I love how you've really captured the essence of this ho-hum, mass--produced MDF box. (Hey, the baseball caps--do those come with the dresser? Because they ought to. They really tie the look together.)

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck recouping your loss, but I won't be surprised to see you post again, four days before you've got to be out of the apartment, begging somebody--anybody--just to please come take it all away for $100. Or for Free. (The end-of-the-month Free ads are the best.)

Exhibit B is this vaguely Italianate dining monstrosity.

You list it as "Elegant and Classy" in the headline. I agree; it appears to have been salvaged from a very high-class whorehouse. Look at the way those intricately carved tree trunks are strategically placed in such a way that nobody (and I mean nobody) will ever be able to fit their own legs under the table.

You furthermore choose to confess (in front of God, Craig, and Everybody) that you paid $3,500 for this.

Wow.

That is not something to be proud of, sir or ma'am. For that amount of money, you certainly could have afforded a TRULY Elegant and Classy table that doesn't look like it was constructed out of reject tombstones.

No matter how much you paid, I can assure you, ain't nobody gonna give you $995 to take this tragic misstep of taste off your hands. 

As to the matter of the giant hot tub you purchased at the Del Mar Fair a decade or so ago; yes, yes, yes. At the time, it was state of the art. Alpine stereo, Bose Speakers, blah blah blah. Also, it was...new.

Now?

Not so much.

Let me give you some perspective here, sir/ma'am.

About two years ago now, J. and I acquired a giant hot tub from Craigslist. 9' x 12'. It's practically a swimming pool. We could house a small dolphin in it, if push came to shove. I'm talking BIG.

And you know what?

It was a bitch to transport--required two specially hired, very large, very strong men to extract from the back yard of the seller, carefully roll it across the lawn, down the driveway, onto a truck, and then slowly drive it across town before gingerly, gently moving it off the truck again to place it (in one piece) onto its own specially-poured, rebar-enhanced cement pad.

We ended up paying the seller exactly what we paid the spa movers--$500.

Regardless of the fact that you paid $15,000 for the thing new, there's little-to-no chance that you're going to get $3500 for this thing.

You'll be lucky if somebody offers to come take it off your hands for $750. Really.

In short: I'm sorry you paid $2500 for this sectional. No, really, I am. It's big and sloppy looking, and no, I will not take the purchase price into account when I'm deciding whether to take it off your hands. You and your family did god-knows-what on this thing for god-knows-how-long.

$500 is not a "sacrifice" price for a used piece of upholstered furniture.

"Sacrifice" would be $200.

I'd probably offer you that, but your ad very specifically shrieks "NO LOWBALL OFFERS!!! SERIOUS BUYERS ONLY!!!"

Good luck, and let me know how that works out for you. 

Finally, I'm sure you and your friends looked Classy and Elegant indulging in this hookah on the three occasions you tell us it was used.

Why, though, do you feel the need to point out you paid $350 for it?

If somebody's in the market for a hookah pipe of their own, I figure for the $175 you're asking, they could step into any dark, incense-smelling smoke shop in town and get one that your lips haven't touched.